Ukpoohbear
Well-known member
A week of slowly staying up later has led to a sleepless night last night. It happens ever so often. Last night was amazing though, I hardly ever write and I have to share it.
It was basically the culmination, from a lead up of various events, that led to the realisation and conclusion of what has been the root of my problems.
Not only do I want to share it because Im still on a high from the experience and about to go to sleep for the evening, but I think what I am about to talk about it actually quite common, and could possibly even help explain even less related problems.
This is because it's the truth, the searching for the answer. This is my interpretation of a now fully understood problem, which can also help explain the truth of human nature.
I better begin.
~
I don't exactly know what to call it though, so I called it the 'removal of shame.' People with depression can probably relate to this the most but everyone has learnt their behaviour from someone and has also felt shame about not doing something.
What I am talking about is slightly different because the shame was not my responsibility for been haven given. That's what abuse is - someone else's problems been given to you in what form the abuse takes.
Like everything that exists, there is a spectrum of in-betweens. Abuse begins with dysfunctional families creating the next dysfunctional generation and so on.
Abuse is just a heightened form of dysfunction. Except its not 'just' anything. Abuse is given its own name because it creates a serious disturbance for a person.
But abuse happens everyday.
~
I have been given a series of clues relating to my own 'removal of shame/abuse/dysfunction.' (SAD)
It started with another, less intense, realisation about removing SAD from my karma, or my shoulders, my mental health.
I read a Lilith article which talked about how Lilith was shamed and to find the power back is to remove the shame from having been removed from the Garden of Eden. After finish reading this article, there was a sensation of lightness in my shoulders and a need to rejoice. There was the removal of SAD.
Even though I knew it was just the beginning, I guess I just accepted that was as intense as what it got. Except last night, it got even more intense.
The lead up to it was I had an extremely stressful week this week, which was full of testosterone of me getting things done. I hadn't been sleeping well so I was short and snappy, although professional and polite until given what I considered to be **** service from some stupid corporation company. Loads of other things happened, but let's just say **** hit the fan but compared to my burying of head in sand of depression, I actually got on with it.
I had found the courage to basically sort my way out of poverty, the funny anecdotes for these will be found later.
Then I had the sleepless night. I began to dwell on I guess what was really bothering me in the back of my mind, when you have time to think. I started to think about my Dad, my Sister. How they are both at different stages of denying their narcissism but also at the same time, two beautifully, charming, scared creatures. Like we all are, that's really why we all make mistakes.
I also watched a movie called Bridge of Spies with Tom Hanks in it. He sacrifices his health to negotiate terms and helps secure the release of two American prisoners of the Cold War. Another clue, that's there's a bigger cause and this patterns happens to everyone, whether they are shamed or not.
~
I saw it each from my families side like I was living it.
Ive thought it before but this was stronger and different. After allowing myself to blame me, them, everyone, I then allowed myself to feel their pain. I began to worry if they would be able to remove theirs, if I could remove mine.
When I saw it from their side, although I could see the love and light side of them, I also saw the desperation it takes to want to torment others because you feel scared. I felt everyone's darkness then allowed me to feel my own.
~
I allowed myself to live my own darkness.
As intense as it was, I went through the pain of what happened to me in the past that I have mental health problems because my family bullied me.
It all started when my Mum died. She had a long illness and started to get ill shortly after I was born, which my Dad told me at 12 years old he blamed me for in an angry burst. He's been resentful ever since, and also absent in general to me and my siblings. It was a small family group of Gran my brother and Sister left.
Gran was a strong but naïve women. Her Mum also died when she was 11, the same age I was when my Mum died. But she said her new stepmum was fine. She adored my sister and missed Mum a lot, her daughter had died.
Is it worse to lose a Mum or a daughter? It may have been worse for her because I was too young at 11 to really take it in, I still needed somebody. My Gran for the first time in her life had to face her shadow once her family was torn apart.
The exact same problem with my Dad, and she blamed me too for Mum getting ill.
My sister began to bully me in the same way Dad did, and at the same time I also understand her fear and we have beneath the surface, still full of love for each other. My brother too, I forgive him for the occasional abuse, which included mild sexual abuse and some physical abuse over the years.
I really shouted back at my Dad in anger eventually and that made me be labelled the bad one even more.
The family has never united. Gran has now passed.
When faced with his shadow, my Dad hid his head in the sand, he was no longer emotionally willing to be a father, and it was either stone coldness or sudden flashes of righteous anger also.
You see how the dysfunction continues and the need to face your shadow?
~
Now if the last release of shame from my shoulders was intense, this one after zero night's sleep was even more intense. I had felt their pain, my pain, forgiven my pain and their pain. I loved them with all my heart and therefore I loved myself for the first time.
The removal of shame/abuse/dysfunction. SAD.
My shoulders were so friggin light man!
Can you begin to imagine the removal of years worth of guilt, loss, love, anger I had internalized.
By this time it was about 6am and I decided I might as well give up on sleep and get up earlier than planned.
I jumped infront of the mirror and just raised my arms in the air because they felt so light and free.
You have to understand the intensity of what I felt that night. I not only thought about their pain but connected to it and it freed me.
At one point, I even recited the Lord's prayer began singing 'rejoice' to myself. So liberating.
~
By this time it was about 6am and I decided to switch on the television and the last channel that was on automatically came on, as per usual. It was a programme I had previously watched whenever it happened to be on, Jackson Galaxy's cat behaviour programme.
All pretty usual so far. Except, it wasn't usual. It was a pretty controversial episode that I hadn't heard of until I watched it then and researched it later and found articles later.
It had become famous in the media before the show started filming because the man of the couple and father to their baby, phone 911 and said their cat had attacked their baby and the family was imprisoned in the bedroom and it was a demon cat.
The couple said the baby pulled on the cat's tail and the cat had scratched the baby on its head. The Dad said his reaction was to kick then then run and hide in the bedroom, and call 911.
- I will provide a link of the episode here - https://youtu.be/br1YKvCeiNk
As I watched the episode, I was still in the same head space where I had been feeling the fear and sadness from my family and me. I was on high alert to still be able to go to that place and feel intensely what the actual truth was.
The guy was jealous of the cat and has been tormenting it or ages. I felt a flash of what happened, he had been tormenting that cat for a long time and it had suddenly started lashing out and trying to defend itself.
I recognized the look in its eyes that was mental illness, and the cat funnily enough was eventually prescribed antidepressants and rehomed.
I can see in the couple's eyes a glint of guilt.
- The couple were acting scared of the cat, and the man said he didn't know when the cat was going to strike next and clenched his fists. He was acing out how he perceived the cat to feel.
- In return they labelled the cat a demon cat and said it was full of anger and you could see it in its eyes
It was all complete projection, just like I had saw how my family's pain felt,
It was being bullied like I had been.
I had to google about it afterwards. So here's a good website that shows some articles and comments from people.
- https://pictures-of-cats.org/?s=lux&x=0&y=0
Well, I was glad Jackson Galaxy managed to rehome the cat and it's now in a hospital sanctuary for someone with his needs and off the antidepressants.
~
What that cat episode did though was verify that its the truth to face your shadow and prevent further pain/abuse.
It also said to me that even animals are just beings that need help too. Just like we all are.
It made me rejoice that little bit more.
~
I then went up town and did some plans I had to organize my living conditions. I went up town with sheer determination. But it was lighter than when I was being determined earlier in the week.
There was no anger. I was just free from the shame.
The significance of what it feels like to have that lifted. I have become lost in telling this story, not quite communicating the how the shame had caused my depression for years and only over the last couple of years of spiritual maturing, did I realize that dysfunctional behaviour causes this sickness. It wasn't my fault any longer, and now I was feeling present of my surrounding and the people took on a calmer tone, and still without any sleep.
~
I thought while waiting at the desk while the man did his work, that the plastic surgery I wanted would have to go. This feeling of light meant it had to be the truth all the way or nothing. What had just happened to me the night before was like a spiritual alchemy where years wasting my life with depression, shame, sadness etc...I had been getting message after message of extreme positive intensity, yet I was calm.
~
I went back home and phoned Sky. Ended up spending an hour on the phone with the guy chatting about his favourite chicken sauce, how I like Subway, problems with my bill of course. We had a great laugh. He said to me this call had made his day and he will be nice to other customers because if a customer is angry towards him then he would then be stressed to the other customer.
It was another sign that what I was feeling was real. It was not intense like before but still calm as I needed to do my to-do list for the day.
He ended up giving me up to £30 off my wifi as an apology for the problems with the service. There was a twin deal going with my phone company where instead of £10 a month its £2 a month for my iPhone. Also, because of the nice rapport we had, if I could reply to the company's competition to tell a joke and give him 10/10 service so he can be in with the chance of winning an ipad or something. I said, You know what, Im gonna make sure you win.
I've not received the text yet but I know just the joke to use as my entry to make sure he wins the comp.
And we hung up, a full hour and a bit on the phone with somebody from your wifi company.
After some food shopping. It was about 6pm now, I had dinner and laid back on the couch. It has been a few weeks without any of my toke, so I decided to have one, as a treat for tonight.
The mind wanders when you're high, or for spiritual purposes refer to it as the 'Neptunian dimension.' I started to wonder what where how and why good and darkness was. Was it God/ consciousness? Energy?
~
Day and Night is an incredible symbol for the good and the dark. The Sun is light, people are afraid of the dark and go to sleep then, in the unknown. The Neptunian Dimension.
What is the darkness? Have the even found it yet in the dark quantity of the universe that is always expanding? Perhaps its the 'black hole' we here so much about...I don't know. We are protected on Earth but darkness seeps in.
It was about then my shoulders started to really vibrate and I was off in a deeper stage of the Neptunian Dimension. It was really cold because I had turned the heating off after getting too warm before, so the shivering would have accounted for that. It is very cold time of year now.
Whatever it was, I experienced a really intense shivering and vibrating. That on top how I was already feeling, then got hit with a cool memory of when I could see everyone's shadow and whats going on with their journey. Its a good state to be in and feeling it tonight was a big intensity of that. Its more like a Pluto dimension, to see underneath.
~
In fact, I'm going to change the name of this thread because it should not be called healing abuse. Ill just call it a Sleepless night and some good ol' spiritual healing. That's it 23:58 now, as if planned to finish typing and go to sleep now. Either I will wake up tomorrow going what the hell have I written, or glad that I spurted this out. If I cant say it to a forum who can I?
It was basically the culmination, from a lead up of various events, that led to the realisation and conclusion of what has been the root of my problems.
Not only do I want to share it because Im still on a high from the experience and about to go to sleep for the evening, but I think what I am about to talk about it actually quite common, and could possibly even help explain even less related problems.
This is because it's the truth, the searching for the answer. This is my interpretation of a now fully understood problem, which can also help explain the truth of human nature.
I better begin.
~
I don't exactly know what to call it though, so I called it the 'removal of shame.' People with depression can probably relate to this the most but everyone has learnt their behaviour from someone and has also felt shame about not doing something.
What I am talking about is slightly different because the shame was not my responsibility for been haven given. That's what abuse is - someone else's problems been given to you in what form the abuse takes.
Like everything that exists, there is a spectrum of in-betweens. Abuse begins with dysfunctional families creating the next dysfunctional generation and so on.
Abuse is just a heightened form of dysfunction. Except its not 'just' anything. Abuse is given its own name because it creates a serious disturbance for a person.
But abuse happens everyday.
~
I have been given a series of clues relating to my own 'removal of shame/abuse/dysfunction.' (SAD)
It started with another, less intense, realisation about removing SAD from my karma, or my shoulders, my mental health.
I read a Lilith article which talked about how Lilith was shamed and to find the power back is to remove the shame from having been removed from the Garden of Eden. After finish reading this article, there was a sensation of lightness in my shoulders and a need to rejoice. There was the removal of SAD.
Even though I knew it was just the beginning, I guess I just accepted that was as intense as what it got. Except last night, it got even more intense.
The lead up to it was I had an extremely stressful week this week, which was full of testosterone of me getting things done. I hadn't been sleeping well so I was short and snappy, although professional and polite until given what I considered to be **** service from some stupid corporation company. Loads of other things happened, but let's just say **** hit the fan but compared to my burying of head in sand of depression, I actually got on with it.
I had found the courage to basically sort my way out of poverty, the funny anecdotes for these will be found later.
Then I had the sleepless night. I began to dwell on I guess what was really bothering me in the back of my mind, when you have time to think. I started to think about my Dad, my Sister. How they are both at different stages of denying their narcissism but also at the same time, two beautifully, charming, scared creatures. Like we all are, that's really why we all make mistakes.
I also watched a movie called Bridge of Spies with Tom Hanks in it. He sacrifices his health to negotiate terms and helps secure the release of two American prisoners of the Cold War. Another clue, that's there's a bigger cause and this patterns happens to everyone, whether they are shamed or not.
~
I saw it each from my families side like I was living it.
Ive thought it before but this was stronger and different. After allowing myself to blame me, them, everyone, I then allowed myself to feel their pain. I began to worry if they would be able to remove theirs, if I could remove mine.
When I saw it from their side, although I could see the love and light side of them, I also saw the desperation it takes to want to torment others because you feel scared. I felt everyone's darkness then allowed me to feel my own.
~
I allowed myself to live my own darkness.
As intense as it was, I went through the pain of what happened to me in the past that I have mental health problems because my family bullied me.
It all started when my Mum died. She had a long illness and started to get ill shortly after I was born, which my Dad told me at 12 years old he blamed me for in an angry burst. He's been resentful ever since, and also absent in general to me and my siblings. It was a small family group of Gran my brother and Sister left.
Gran was a strong but naïve women. Her Mum also died when she was 11, the same age I was when my Mum died. But she said her new stepmum was fine. She adored my sister and missed Mum a lot, her daughter had died.
Is it worse to lose a Mum or a daughter? It may have been worse for her because I was too young at 11 to really take it in, I still needed somebody. My Gran for the first time in her life had to face her shadow once her family was torn apart.
The exact same problem with my Dad, and she blamed me too for Mum getting ill.
My sister began to bully me in the same way Dad did, and at the same time I also understand her fear and we have beneath the surface, still full of love for each other. My brother too, I forgive him for the occasional abuse, which included mild sexual abuse and some physical abuse over the years.
I really shouted back at my Dad in anger eventually and that made me be labelled the bad one even more.
The family has never united. Gran has now passed.
When faced with his shadow, my Dad hid his head in the sand, he was no longer emotionally willing to be a father, and it was either stone coldness or sudden flashes of righteous anger also.
You see how the dysfunction continues and the need to face your shadow?
~
Now if the last release of shame from my shoulders was intense, this one after zero night's sleep was even more intense. I had felt their pain, my pain, forgiven my pain and their pain. I loved them with all my heart and therefore I loved myself for the first time.
The removal of shame/abuse/dysfunction. SAD.
My shoulders were so friggin light man!
Can you begin to imagine the removal of years worth of guilt, loss, love, anger I had internalized.
By this time it was about 6am and I decided I might as well give up on sleep and get up earlier than planned.
I jumped infront of the mirror and just raised my arms in the air because they felt so light and free.
You have to understand the intensity of what I felt that night. I not only thought about their pain but connected to it and it freed me.
At one point, I even recited the Lord's prayer began singing 'rejoice' to myself. So liberating.
~
By this time it was about 6am and I decided to switch on the television and the last channel that was on automatically came on, as per usual. It was a programme I had previously watched whenever it happened to be on, Jackson Galaxy's cat behaviour programme.
All pretty usual so far. Except, it wasn't usual. It was a pretty controversial episode that I hadn't heard of until I watched it then and researched it later and found articles later.
It had become famous in the media before the show started filming because the man of the couple and father to their baby, phone 911 and said their cat had attacked their baby and the family was imprisoned in the bedroom and it was a demon cat.
The couple said the baby pulled on the cat's tail and the cat had scratched the baby on its head. The Dad said his reaction was to kick then then run and hide in the bedroom, and call 911.
- I will provide a link of the episode here - https://youtu.be/br1YKvCeiNk
As I watched the episode, I was still in the same head space where I had been feeling the fear and sadness from my family and me. I was on high alert to still be able to go to that place and feel intensely what the actual truth was.
The guy was jealous of the cat and has been tormenting it or ages. I felt a flash of what happened, he had been tormenting that cat for a long time and it had suddenly started lashing out and trying to defend itself.
I recognized the look in its eyes that was mental illness, and the cat funnily enough was eventually prescribed antidepressants and rehomed.
I can see in the couple's eyes a glint of guilt.
- The couple were acting scared of the cat, and the man said he didn't know when the cat was going to strike next and clenched his fists. He was acing out how he perceived the cat to feel.
- In return they labelled the cat a demon cat and said it was full of anger and you could see it in its eyes
It was all complete projection, just like I had saw how my family's pain felt,
It was being bullied like I had been.
I had to google about it afterwards. So here's a good website that shows some articles and comments from people.
- https://pictures-of-cats.org/?s=lux&x=0&y=0
Well, I was glad Jackson Galaxy managed to rehome the cat and it's now in a hospital sanctuary for someone with his needs and off the antidepressants.
~
What that cat episode did though was verify that its the truth to face your shadow and prevent further pain/abuse.
It also said to me that even animals are just beings that need help too. Just like we all are.
It made me rejoice that little bit more.
~
I then went up town and did some plans I had to organize my living conditions. I went up town with sheer determination. But it was lighter than when I was being determined earlier in the week.
There was no anger. I was just free from the shame.
The significance of what it feels like to have that lifted. I have become lost in telling this story, not quite communicating the how the shame had caused my depression for years and only over the last couple of years of spiritual maturing, did I realize that dysfunctional behaviour causes this sickness. It wasn't my fault any longer, and now I was feeling present of my surrounding and the people took on a calmer tone, and still without any sleep.
~
I thought while waiting at the desk while the man did his work, that the plastic surgery I wanted would have to go. This feeling of light meant it had to be the truth all the way or nothing. What had just happened to me the night before was like a spiritual alchemy where years wasting my life with depression, shame, sadness etc...I had been getting message after message of extreme positive intensity, yet I was calm.
~
I went back home and phoned Sky. Ended up spending an hour on the phone with the guy chatting about his favourite chicken sauce, how I like Subway, problems with my bill of course. We had a great laugh. He said to me this call had made his day and he will be nice to other customers because if a customer is angry towards him then he would then be stressed to the other customer.
It was another sign that what I was feeling was real. It was not intense like before but still calm as I needed to do my to-do list for the day.
He ended up giving me up to £30 off my wifi as an apology for the problems with the service. There was a twin deal going with my phone company where instead of £10 a month its £2 a month for my iPhone. Also, because of the nice rapport we had, if I could reply to the company's competition to tell a joke and give him 10/10 service so he can be in with the chance of winning an ipad or something. I said, You know what, Im gonna make sure you win.
I've not received the text yet but I know just the joke to use as my entry to make sure he wins the comp.
And we hung up, a full hour and a bit on the phone with somebody from your wifi company.
After some food shopping. It was about 6pm now, I had dinner and laid back on the couch. It has been a few weeks without any of my toke, so I decided to have one, as a treat for tonight.
The mind wanders when you're high, or for spiritual purposes refer to it as the 'Neptunian dimension.' I started to wonder what where how and why good and darkness was. Was it God/ consciousness? Energy?
~
Day and Night is an incredible symbol for the good and the dark. The Sun is light, people are afraid of the dark and go to sleep then, in the unknown. The Neptunian Dimension.
What is the darkness? Have the even found it yet in the dark quantity of the universe that is always expanding? Perhaps its the 'black hole' we here so much about...I don't know. We are protected on Earth but darkness seeps in.
It was about then my shoulders started to really vibrate and I was off in a deeper stage of the Neptunian Dimension. It was really cold because I had turned the heating off after getting too warm before, so the shivering would have accounted for that. It is very cold time of year now.
Whatever it was, I experienced a really intense shivering and vibrating. That on top how I was already feeling, then got hit with a cool memory of when I could see everyone's shadow and whats going on with their journey. Its a good state to be in and feeling it tonight was a big intensity of that. Its more like a Pluto dimension, to see underneath.
~
In fact, I'm going to change the name of this thread because it should not be called healing abuse. Ill just call it a Sleepless night and some good ol' spiritual healing. That's it 23:58 now, as if planned to finish typing and go to sleep now. Either I will wake up tomorrow going what the hell have I written, or glad that I spurted this out. If I cant say it to a forum who can I?