Depression depression depression...what a bitc*!

I'm sorry...I've been acting like a crybaby on this forum with all sorts of threads on various degrees of introspection.I'm so sick of it.I've been depressed for as long as I can remember.It's present all the ******* time...every second...even if I laugh and have a good time.I want out.I want it gone...call an exorcist if need be...get the demon out.

So,what should I do?What does astrology offer on that matter?What big thing should I do so I could change drastically,irrevocably?I'm the ******* phoenix god dammit!And yet I'm so tired...and so ugly and helpless.It's like,I want a new identity,to reinvent myself as a totally different person.I don't see therapy or meds doing any good...I need something big...I need to explode this body off me.


....help

Please take heart; there can be a light at the end of the tunnel if you can but see it, through understanding and awareness. Definitely, depression ...Been there, done that for over 30 years. With Pluto at your ascendant you have great powers of introspection, resistance and
observation. Often we can learn more by simply observing life
You have great visionary powers as well, however there is coming a time, now with Neptune moving to oppose your Moon – you may need to undergo a serious emotional makeover; this transit can cause confusion, diffusion, uncertainty, angst, disillusionment. You are of the New generation destined to bring renewal and salvation to a world that is rapidly circling the drain-pipe, so to speak. Your astrology can provide insight and relief, but first you must be willing to undergo the fire and dedicate yourself to gaining better understanding and awareness by shoring up a sense of hope and faith. Are you ready to do the 'inner work' that is being demanded of you? The primary 'demon' is Saturn and this planet demands responsibility and self-reliance, and a sense of security that is based more on other things aside from the material/physical reality you perceive now. Currently Saturn is for you, sequestered in the house of mysteries, secrets and things hidden from view: here it can create major roadblocks and seemingly endless delays; Saturn in your own chart does depict a proneness to depression at certain times of your life. The current planetary energies are in fact lining up in a rather devastating and unstable fashion of tension and challenge; this is a cycle of many social/political/economic changes and many people feel hopeless, despairing and out of control because of this new plan unfolding for us all. You sound as if you are in a total meltdown, so please don't do anything drastic in your attempts to feel in control again. We can help unravel your personal mysteries and challenges. You say: 'I want a new identity,to reinvent myself as a totally different person' According to the astrological alignments you will be given this opportunity.Stop thinking of yourself as ugly and helpless: these are just internalized fears of what you think others might be thinking about you. You have the ability to be very charismatic and charming if you tried to be; Sun in Gemini can be very effective in distributing and disseminating information with others; highly communicative; in teaching or healing others as well; first you must undergo a process of self-healing first. Your Moon [emotional reactivity, the past, moods] suggests you can be powerful in serving others, rather than being consumed by the need to serve yourself. Your inner need is to serve, and feel connected with others. Your chart can help you assess your 'path of destiny', relating to the balancing between domestic responsibilities and public ambitions: your karmic challenges, your strengths and your weakness. . Your astrology shows Pluto [degeneration, transformation and concerns over power and control] directly associated with your Ascendant, indicating that major changes and intense upheavals have been set up to challenge you. Believe me, there will be significant changes, now waiting in the wings, and the question will ultimately be: are you prepared to embrace the changes or will you be struck down by them? Indeed the Universe is testing you as to your endurance and faith. astrology does have so many answers for you, if you are willing to accept the indications and advisements contained therein. How to heal: In the meantime, see personal message.

Anahath said:

I'm sorry...I've been acting like a crybaby on this forum with all sorts of threads on various degrees of introspection.I'm so sick of it.I've been depressed for as long as I can remember.It's present all the ******* time...every second...even if I laugh and have a good time.I want out.I want it gone...call an exorcist if need be...get the demon out.

So,what should I do?What does astrology offer on that matter?What big thing should I do so I could change drastically,irrevocably?I'm the ******* phoenix god dammit!And yet I'm so tired...and so ugly and helpless.It's like,I want a new identity,to reinvent myself as a totally different person.I don't see therapy or meds doing any good...I need something big...I need to explode this body off me.


....help

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My poor baby:*:* You are as old as I am. For how long you are depressed>? It could be because transisting chiron is opposite your N moon but im not sure. Please be strong

I've been dealing with lifelong depression, so I certainly empathize with your situation! I'm not a professional astrologer, but here is what I see in your chart. I'm always trying to improve my skills, so let me know if I'm accurate here or not:

Key Life Theme: Most of your planets are in the Southern Hemisphere (upper half). All the the planets in your Eastern Hemisphere (left half) are retrograde except for the Moon, which can't be retrograde. Thus, the Western Hemisphere (right half) is the focus. Your chart's Southwestern emphasis suggests that your impulse is to focus on others, combined with a sense of being victimized by circumstances beyond your control. You look to the world to define your identity, because of inadequate identity formation in your childhood.

Your Ascendant's ruler (Pluto) is retrograde, further corroborating delayed identity development. This delay is possibly connected to a problematic relationship with your father, as your Saturn (which symbolizes the father) is retrograde. Perhaps he wasn't physically in your life, or he was in your life but emotionally uninvolved with you. It looks like your mother picked up the slack, as Neptune and Uranus are conjunct your Nodal axis which suggests a strong maternal influence in your life. Saturn sits in your 3rd House of Communications (and also rules that house), so this has significantly affected your mindset towards life.

Furthermore, Saturn is opposite your Mars, Venus, and Jupiter. Mars rules your 5th House of Pleasure and 6th House of Health. Due to intercepted signs, Venus rules your 7th House of Partnerships, 11th House of Friendships, and 12th House of Self-Undoing. Jupiter rules your 2nd House of Value. Thus, your chart suggests that the fatherhood issue affects your self-worth (2nd House), sexuality (5th House), how you interact with co-workers (6th House), your romantic relationships (7th House), your feelings about you being lovable to others (11th House), and your subconscious (12th House).

Other Issues: I'm not sure, but I think your Moon (which represents your emotions) may be considered peregrine. Its contact with Neptune is definitely at an out-of-bounds orb. I'm not sure if its contact with Uranus also counts. An unaspected Moon dominates a natal chart.

While not noted on the Astro.com chart, my software shows that your Sun is quindecile Uranus, which means that changing your environment is an obsession for you (perhaps so much that it's chaotically taking a toll on your psyche). You also have Mercury quindecile Uranus, so your thoughts (Mercury) have at least one obsessive component.

What's Next? Your True Node (life's destiny/future goals) is in the 2nd House of Value. Your life's mission is to improve your self-worth. The good thing is that you're pretty young (21yo) so you're ahead of the curve compared to many people.

While only 2 quintiles (which symbolize creativity) show up on your chart, my software claims that you actually have 4 quintiles (Sun quintile Moon, Moon quintile Mercury, Moon quintile Pluto, and Moon quintile Ascendant. Do you have some outlet in your life to express all of this creativity? If not, that may help lower your depression.

Hopefully, more experienced astrology students can better advise you on how to proceed.

LeoCassandra said:

My poor baby:*:* You are as old as I am. For how long you are depressed>? It could be because transisting chiron is opposite your N moon but im not sure. Please be strong

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I agree with LC here. Chiron, the Wounded/Healer has been cycling in opposition to your natal Moon since the spring and completes its last pass early next year. The upcoming full Moon eclipse will form a grand cross with Chiron's opposition to your Moon on the 28th, so you may be feeling some of that energy, too.

What is important here I think is not to try to make the pain go away, but to move towards understanding what Chiron is trying to teach you, what the full moon eclipse is trying to illuminate for you. I would suggest if it is at all possible that you would try to ground yourself through some breathe work or relaxation technique, and try to dial down the expansive Leonine energy from natal Mars conjunct Jupiter, that in turn feels the squeeze from its opposition to dignified Saturn. I think that may be adding to your stress, too.

Zuri said:

While only 2 quintiles (which symbolize creativity) show up on your chart, my software claims that you actually have 4 quintiles (Sun quintile Moon, Moon quintile Mercury, Moon quintile Pluto, and Moon quintile Ascendant. Do you have some outlet in your life to express all of this creativity? If not, that may help lower your depression.

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I didn't know this.I do have several creative outlets...writing,drawing...I would have singing too if I would take classes.But it's difficult to get the energy to do it.

I agree with some of the excellent answers given above.
In your chart saturn is pretty prominent, opposite 3 planets and inconjunct your moon. Currently transiting saturn is squaring your natal saturn and also squaring those planets in leo. This is a time of restriction, eliminating things that do not serve you well and hard work in relation to those things that are worth keeping and building up. You have to experience that certain things are not working in order to realise that they should not be in your life.
Also with scorpio and pluto rising and the sun in the 8th you are destined to go deeply into experiences. You will look more deeply than others might, but ultimately you will learn how to deal with the problems more effectively and will learn about psychology to control your own emotions.
I've suffered depression on and off for at least 20 years, and my father has also for about the same amount of time (my progressed sun going into the natal 12th?). Recently I have been learning mindfulness from a lady who practices tibetan buddhism & it has really helped me. I don't know if it would be good for you, but basically what buddhists believe is that suffering is a natural part of everyone's human existence, however it is our thoughts that perpetuate the suffering & if we can learn to notice each thought as it passes through our head we don't put so much weight on each thought - it's just a thought, it's not the absolute truth about our life. Also she taught me to go out for a walk everyday and to count chimney pots, or satellite dishes, or anything that involves looking up and out, in that way I am paying attention to what is actually happening in the world at the moment and I am not caught up in my own thoughts. It does help. There is also a useful book called 'The Mindful Way Through Depression', which I am reading at the moment.

Anahath said:

I didn't know this.I do have several creative outlets...writing,drawing...I would have singing too if I would take classes.But it's difficult to get the energy to do it.

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"Depression" a talk by Ajahn Brahm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fixvb3s25Uk

Awww dito whats making you deppressed I know the feeling I am on meds for this type of stuff sigh

I should add that Jupiter (ruler of your 2nd House of Value, which oversees self-esteem) has a tense aspect with (it's opposite) your Saturn retrograde (ruler of your 3rd House of Communications), and squares both your Pluto and your Scorpio Ascendant (which Pluto rules as rules of your 1st House of Self).

Thus, issues of self-worth (2nd House) impact your mentality (3rd House), and self-identity (1st House).

A couple of other things occurred to me.
With pluto in the 1st house and so close to your ascendant you will go through several identity changes in your life. They don't have to be as drastic as surgery to change your body or getting rid of your body or anything like that, but you will go through experiences where you eliminate things that are no longer working for you and your identity and how you present yourself to the world will change completely. I can't remember where I read that about pluto in the 1st.
Also mars and venus square pluto are pretty powerful aspects. You will learn about relationships ending, things will get to boiling point and then end completely and you will be reborn into a new phase.
Your chart is very pluto/scorpio/8th. It is said that pluto/scorpio types go through things that would break weaker signs but in doing so they learn how to deal with those situations and can then help other people who are going through similar situations, so going through the '****' though horrible and painful is a necessary part of the pluto life path.
I don't know if you've already read them, but 2 books I recommend about pluto are 'Healing Pluto Problems' by Donna Cunningham and 'Pluto:Transforming The New You' by Karen Lustrup.
I also agree with what Kimbermoon said - you are not ugly or helpless, these are just things that you imagine other people are thinking, and I can quite confidently say that without having met you. Perhaps someone said that to you in the past, perhaps because they were deliberately trying to make you feel bad, maybe they were in competition with you for something and if you doubted yourself you wouldn't fight them, or perhaps they were just careless about the effect of their words on other people. Venus aspecting pluto is said to be obsessed with appearance, but there are many people who have been disfigured and still function happily in society. Appearance is only one tiny aspect of a person's worth. Also different people think different faces/bodies are attractive, ultimately people tend to find people who remind them of their parents or someone who has been kind to them in the past attractive much more than what society or the media tell us we should find attractive.
And you are not helpless. You are asking people here for help, you are actively looking for solutions but perhaps you have not found the solutions that will work for you yet.
I wish you all the best with this slightly challenging life path that you have chosen.

Zuri said:

I should add that Jupiter (ruler of your 2nd House of Value, which oversees self-esteem) has a tense aspect with (it's opposite) your Saturn retrograde (ruler of your 3rd House of Communications), and squares both your Pluto and your Scorpio Ascendant (which Pluto rules as rules of your 1st House of Self).

Thus, issues of self-worth (2nd House) impact your mentality (3rd House), and self-identity (1st House).

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This pretty much sums it up.

Thank you all for your support.You are all great people^^

I quickly scanned the other posts above, and most of them appeared to be interpretations of your natal chart and the potential/hurdles within it. The first thing that stood out to me was the Saturn transit in relation to your natal placements.

You've had Saturn transiting your 12th house, which often times will bring depression. Soon it will enter your 1st house....then your second house....

Saturn transits through this sector of your chart can be very tough. My suggestion is to read about the meaning of Saturn transits through these houses. Understand what this means not only on a physical, mundane level, but also in terms of your own soul growth. Both concepts are literally interrelated (similar to that saying "net worth is equal to one's self worth.).

EVERYONE has to go through these transits at some point in their lives, often more than once. So you are not alone.

On the most basic level, you want to simplify your life during this time. CLear your head. Focus on the basics and simplicity of daily life. Don't expect huge fireworks on life-turning events like winning the lottery, focus on your inner self. Your time will come for all the other, outer, life stuff too....now is not the time. RIght now is time to build the inner self so there is a strong foundation upon which you can then being to build your outer life once saturn crosses the nadir and begins its transit back upwards on your chart.

You can do it, you can do it....keep saying this to yourself. You can do it.

Hi Anahath,

When I looked at your chart your sun and moon didn't have any major aspects, but then I noticed that saturn opposes your venus. Also your ascendant is heavily afflicted . And saturn retrograde could create depression problems. Sometimes the problem may be that even though you are laughing with friends and having fun, there is still that feeling of being completely isolated and alone. It's like you try hard to let people in but then you get to a point where you're frustrated because no one understands what you're going through.

Yes you do have some challenges in your chart, but forget about astrology for a minute. Focusing on the negatives in your chart will only create more negative thoughts and then it will be an never ending cycle. First I would go see a doctor, because sometimes when depression gets so bad no matter what people try to tell you, it still doesn't take the edge off. If you are against medication, maybe you could take more vitamin D, and B100, B12 is also good. Especially in winter you could be low in vitamin D because of the lack of sunlight. Also eating healthy and exercising made a huge difference for me.

Once you start feeling a little better, you have to wake up every morning and choose to be happy. I've been depressed before so when someone gave me that advice I thought it was bulls**t! Its not always easy to look at the bright side of things, but I listen to a program called brain sync (or other meditations) that have positive affirmations. (again I thought there was no way in hell this would help, but surprisingly it did.)

And most importantly realize that it takes time to get better. Nothing will ever be 100% perfect in life, but if you can change your perspective on how you look at things, it's a step in the right direction. Look up CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)

But stay away from astrology, because it is easy to focus on all the negatives if you're already depressed.

Also your life path in numerology is a 7 and 7s struggle with being alone and isolating themselves, so maybe if you tried to get together with a friend (even if it's once a month) to talk and get things off your chest, that may help. Forums can help, but can't always replace face to face interaction.

The problem in your natal chart is pluto, it so close to your ascendant (which is an angle of your chart) it squares mars, venus and a couple other planets. And pluto also your chart ruler so that amplifies both the positive and negative affects of pluto. But you also have to look at the positives in your chart- jupiter is conjunct venus, which to me is a lucky aspect. With the pluto squares to your venus and mars it creates a lot of inner tension. Squares create inner conflicts, and oppositions create outward expressions. That is why it is important to go and talk to a doctor, therapist or even a friend and let them know how you are feeling. And also pluto is in the fixed sign of scorpio so that means you had many previous lifetimes of repeating the same patterns so they take awhile to break. But the bright side is that it CAN be broken, it just takes time and a little effort. The pluto squares are opportunities for growth, they reward us at the end when we resolve them. They aren't the easiest, but with any challenge we grow and learn more about ourselves. Just remember no aspect or chart configuration in astrology is set in stone you have the freewill to work on any aspect. The more work it is, the better the reward.

Anahath said:

I dunno.I had a meltdown when I made this thread.I was in my lowest.

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Consider writing a list. Write down your dreams in a list. Think of 10 things. Don't think much about how far-fetched they may be or if others will approve of your choices. Most likely the first few things that come to mind are the most important things for you. Work towards them. This will give you fulfillment which may help with the depression.

sadge said:

I quickly scanned the other posts above, and most of them appeared to be interpretations of your natal chart and the potential/hurdles within it. The first thing that stood out to me was the Saturn transit in relation to your natal placements.

You've had Saturn transiting your 12th house, which often times will bring depression. Soon it will enter your 1st house....then your second house....

Saturn transits through this sector of your chart can be very tough. My suggestion is to read about the meaning of Saturn transits through these houses. Understand what this means not only on a physical, mundane level, but also in terms of your own soul growth. Both concepts are literally interrelated (similar to that saying "net worth is equal to one's self worth.).

EVERYONE has to go through these transits at some point in their lives, often more than once. So you are not alone.

On the most basic level, you want to simplify your life during this time. CLear your head. Focus on the basics and simplicity of daily life. Don't expect huge fireworks on life-turning events like winning the lottery, focus on your inner self. Your time will come for all the other, outer, life stuff too....now is not the time. RIght now is time to build the inner self so there is a strong foundation upon which you can then being to build your outer life once saturn crosses the nadir and begins its transit back upwards on your chart.

You can do it, you can do it....keep saying this to yourself. You can do it.

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I agree with this... Saturn transits are difficult. My chart is quite concentrated on just three areas. When I had my first Saturn transit conjunct a planet when I was 14 (Chiron and Jupiter in the 4th, opposite my Moon and Capricorn stellium in the 10th) I went through some awful depression for years and the same when he entered my 7th house and met up with my Scorpio stellium. Its hard work but we have to embrace the lessons he teaches us and we will come out at the other side a stronger, more mature, self-aware person. And then you can appreciate all of the little (and big) things in life because you have suffered for so long you will really appreciate the good times when they come. Good luck sweetie.

keep the focus on astrology

All,

Please keep the focus on astrology. If you simply give your thoughts about something without any astrology to "back it up" it can come off as attacking. Keeping the focus on astrology will ensure your comments aren't misunderstood.

Back to astrology,

Tim

StillOne said:

Consider writing a list. Write down your dreams in a list. Think of 10 things. Don't think much about how far-fetched they may be or if others will approve of your choices. Most likely the first few things that come to mind are the most important things for you. Work towards them. This will give you fulfillment which may help with the depression.

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I realized that meditation really does help with the situation.And about the list...I have a list with what I want for a while but I got too materialistic.That's the thing...when I'm "happy" I tend to overdo things and I become too focus on the material things and then I abandon meditation and all the inner work and after that,things start to go bad.I guess Saturn is trying to tell me to shift my goals...instead of trying to find happiness from outside sources,I should instead try to look inside.Real happiness does come from within us.But with our society always bombarding us with messages full of what we SHOULD do,we tend to forget.

Anahath said:

I realized that meditation really does help with the situation.And about the list...I have a list with what I want for a while but I got too materialistic.That's the thing...when I'm "happy" I tend to overdo things and I become too focus on the material things and then I abandon meditation and all the inner work and after that,things start to go bad.I guess Saturn is trying to tell me to shift my goals...instead of trying to find happiness from outside sources,I should instead try to look inside.Real happiness does come from within us.But with our society always bombarding us with messages full of what we SHOULD do,we tend to forget.

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Well, for me... so In My Opinion, where I live (CA, USA) almost everything that comes at me is B.S. 99% of everything is a scam, some sham, some weak ideology, someone looking to take advantage of me... I haven't watched tv in years because it's nauseating with how much of a fallacy everything that you see there is. Same with magazines, most of them are filled with ads that portray something that isn't realistic at all. I've realized that most of what media portrays just simply isn't real. Most people you see around you are not thinking critically about this and so are very duped by these things as well and hence largely operate on a superficial level without thinking about what society is "selling" them.

I used to look to people for answers and be consistently so let down. After the years I've realized my inner voice is the one that works. In order to hear it clearly, I must learn to find it's true source amidst of all the B.S. I've been taught, which is done thru meditation.

Like you, when I'm not consistently meditating, my life begins to slowly unravel.