Forgiveness; Could You Do It?

My parents were, essentially, nothing but abusive to me my entire life. If you read some of my stories that I've shared on here, you can get a general idea of what it was like to grow up. However, this Christmas I'm going to head back home to see "family", the same family that ostracized me for well over a decade. To forgive the ones that ruined my life, it's hard; but is it even doable?

Can you do it? The family that beat me, neglected me emotionally, where I had to witness some of the most ugly things, I wonder why I would even bother to go back? The only relationship I have with them is for financial reasons, where they help me out from time to time (and it's mainly my father, as he has been the only one that has truly stuck around). I haven't spent Christmas with them for roughly 4-5 years. And before that, there was another long gap as well.

Knowledge is power; at least to me. When you understand one's motives, whatever they may be, you understand why someone did what they did. I think that is the first step to forgiveness and moving on. Accepting that my mother is severely mentally ill, I think, is the first step. That's how I am coming to forgiveness through the events that happened with my ex at least.

Flights are booked, a hotel is on reserved, but I don't know. Regardless of understanding why these people acted the way they did it hurts. How can one forgive people that have done horrible things to you? Can anyone share any of their stories?

What about one time events during rough times? Can acts that occurred once, can their events be altered to reflect a different meaning?

Im personally not great with forgiveness, i never have been, maybe its my merc/leo that makes me so stubborn.... well and taurus moon.

Went through a lot of stuff too in my childhood, i still now to this day think of what i could do to repay them for what they did.

Ive done it with "so called" real family members...just cut them off, and once ive don't that there's no turning back for me, not spoke to my real sister in two years now, and i'm too stubborn to ever speak to her again.

Friends too, i give people a few chances and once they've truly pissed me off ill once again cut them off, and never go back...many of times ive been really close with someone and a week later i will pass them on the street like i don't even know them.

Im very good at cutting people off...and forgiveness, nope i can't do it. Especially with regards to my childhood, and them twats that had me, i hate them with a passion.

Birth mother i hate her too with a passion, she's a selfish *****.

ShadowStriker said:

What about one time events during rough times? Can acts that occurred once, can their events be altered to reflect a different meaning?

Click to expand...

Can you elaborate slightly on what you mean here ?

I have been thinking a lot about this too. I was very forgiving of my Dad but that was because I was still needing the love and support a child needs and I did not get that. My need for that gave them the room the continue to mistreat me.

The help I have received from astrology has gave me understanding of myself and other people but just because you understand them does not mean you need to speak to them and forgiveness does not mean you need to speak to them.

If someone realized what they did and there had been moments of friendship inbetween the hurt caused then it would be easier. If there has been nothing but abuse and they still manipulate you then it is not enough.

If they say sorry and are genuine it is still for their own benefit and it is up to you how you react but the only thing that matters is whether you forgive them.

Contact is not necessary or important for forgiveness.

I have never had financial support from my Dad and I have never felt times of love and he will manipulate a situation to avoid responsibility. If I were to continue to have contact then I would be allowing him to be manipulative.

I would cut off all financial support unless there was a genuine friendship.

Mental illness means there are reasons behind their behaviour but look around and everyone is mentally ill. Everyone still need to take responsibility unless you are in a coma or braindead then you will have to make peace with God.

Just thinking, is your mum the main problem because of her mental illness? Maybe your dad is her enabler and he pay you because he understands your pain but also he is in pain and does not want to be left alone. That is still difficult but depending on each persons friendship with you, I would maybe support your dad. Not because he has paid you though but because he needs you and has deserved it.

I don't tend to ask for forgiveness though have on occasion, do i forgive? it's hard and depends what it is, if it's minor sure.. anything really bad no i never do.

Life is about learning, how does someone learn if they always get forgiven?

There also genuine mistakes and some people are willing to learn, but then that is a test of patience if they keep doing it.

Suitable song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWAk_CUmpIo

Chrysalis said:

Can you elaborate slightly on what you mean here ?

Click to expand...

Not drawing on a personal example per say, but let's say, someone hit you. Say a loved one. Then they blamed it on you, saying you provoked it. And then they denied it.

ShadowStriker said:

Not drawing on a personal example per say, but let's say, someone hit you. Say a loved one. Then they blamed it on you, saying you provoked it. And then they denied it.

Click to expand...

Been there got the T- shirt.. unforgivable, phuck them.

ShadowStriker said:

Not drawing on a personal example per say, but let's say, someone hit you. Say a loved one. Then they blamed it on you, saying you provoked it. And then they denied it.

Click to expand...

That is gas lighting and manipulative.

Thanks for all the responses. I'll respond later.

CancerEvolve said:

Been there got the T- shirt.. unforgivable, phuck them.

Click to expand...

Savage. Absolutely savage.

Ukpoohbear said:

That is gas lighting and manipulative.

Click to expand...

It is... but...could you? What would it take to be forgiven? How could you forgive that?

ShadowStriker said:

It is... but...could you? What would it take to be forgiven? How could you forgive that?

Click to expand...

It has happened to me and I have no contact because it would have kept on happening. Forgiveness must happen eventually though and I think that comes from understanding they are behaving in a way that damages themselves.

Capitalism is built on people being manipulative and gas lighting others for their own benefit and success comes to them in appearances only. They have their own shadow to work on and I would only have contact with someone who has changed and found their way but even then I would only forgive if there was trust. Trust could only happen if there had been genuine friendship in the past and there was no possibility of being hurt again.

Family deserves an extra chance but I do not see having contact as important to forgiveness either.

If a person wants to live a happier life, then I think they have two choices.

They can either completely disengage themselves from perpetrators...or completely forgive.

Any kind of lukewarm, middle ground will lead to continued pain.

And ultimately I would say completely forgive is the only real way...because even if you disengage physically, for most people...in their head, they are always together with their abusers. Replaying over again and again.

To me, all the horrors of the world are alright.

People are not in control of themselves, or their lives...certainly not to the level they normally like to think. Everyone is in a kind of drunken stupor and "knows not what they do"...nor do they have any major power to stop it.

If I watch a puppet show (or a movie) and the puppet/actor is made to do something horrendous - I cannot reasonably blame the puppet/actor. They are just having their strings pulled or reading a script. Though many will blame them...there are lots of people in the world who will hate on an actor/actress and even send them death notes etc for some role they played in a movie. They are unable to differentiate cause and effect.

Rawiri said:

If a person wants to live a happier life, then I think they have two choices.

They can either completely disengage themselves from perpetrators...or completely forgive.

Any kind of lukewarm, middle ground will lead to continued pain.

And ultimately I would say completely forgive is the only real way...because even if you disengage physically, for most people...in their head, they are always together with their abusers. Replaying over again and again.

To me, all the horrors of the world are alright.

People are not in control of themselves, or their lives...certainly not to the level they normally like to think. Everyone is in a kind of drunken stupor and "knows not what they do"...nor do they have any major power to stop it.

If I watch a puppet show (or a movie) and the puppet/actor is made to do something horrendous - I cannot reasonably blame the puppet/actor. They are just having their strings pulled or reading a script. Though many will blame them...there are lots of people in the world who will hate on an actor/actress and even send them death notes etc for some role they played in a movie. They are unable to differentiate cause and effect.

Click to expand...

That is what was happening to me when I was doing the spells I was replaying over what had happened and I was still living with the abuse in my head. Do you think the abuser hears this connection and possibly has energy from it? Or we are separate in our body and mind and I only damage myself?

Thankfully I have no longer the white noise but I do when I think about it so I have not received closure but I am working on myself.

Can you forgive without telling the person? Is it all about peace in yourself?

Ukpoohbear said:

That is what was happening to me when I was doing the spells I was replaying over what had happened and I was still living with the abuse in my head. Do you think the abuser hears this connection and possibly has energy from it? Or we are separate in our body and mind and I only damage myself?

Thankfully I have no longer the white noise but I do when I think about it so I have not received closure but I am working on myself.

Can you forgive without telling the person? Is it all about peace in yourself?

Click to expand...

As far as I'm concerned you will both be effected. For the worse. But the main concern should be yourself, IMO.

Nothing to do with anyone else. So no need to tell the other person...you can have no contact with them and still forgive. Or you can be around them every day, never mention it, and have forgiven.

Thank you Rawiri for your insight.

I must admit I did not tell the person their behaviour was damaging themselves so I could observe their own destruction coming back to them. I think that is ok though.

Ukpoohbear said:

Thank you Rawiri for your insight.

I must admit I did not tell the person their behaviour was damaging themselves so I could observe their own destruction coming back to them. I think that is ok though.

Click to expand...

Two people i have said this to, my dad, and the ex who was damaging what we had, and well my ex.. i said to her it will be you who makes this go bad, and my word was i correct.

Add on top the post i had above about me having the T-shirt and knowing all about the gas lighting thing etc.. exactly what she did.

Forgiveness is stupid. It lets the person who did harm to you get away with what they did only so that they can keep harming you.

Don't forgive people. Cut them out of your life or distance them.

AppLeo said:

Forgiveness is stupid. It lets the person who did harm to you get away with what they did only so that they can keep harming you.

Don't forgive people. Cut them out of your life or distance them.

Click to expand...

OMG you sound like me you do lol...thats exactly what I'm like.
Sure I should have been born a ninja.