No chart but you say you have an Aquarius moon and ASC. I think the feeling of being a walking contradiction is very common with people who have a lot of Aquarius in their charts. Look at the corulers of the sign, Saturn and Uranus. They represent very different things, polar opposites in a lot of ways. You may feel a lot of pull and confusion between Saturn's stern, material and heavy energy and Uranus's strong need for freedom and friendliness.