saturnsayshi
Well-known member
I have always had the distinct feeling I wasn't "made for" this life somehow, even when I was little. I thought the feeling would lessen as I got older, but it hasn't. I'm not great at having friends, I don't enjoy co-habiting with partners, I don't miss long periods without romantic company. I hate being part of any group, club, organization, company, university, etc. except on an ad hoc basis as I feel inspired to do so.
Even for the man I've loved deeply for the past six years and who has been so exceedingly patient with me (Sun/Moon/ASC in Cancer, go figure)... I can't seem to be happy leading a normal life. When we finally made a home together, all I could think about was being alone again... until I finally just left him, even though I'm the first to admit I still love him. It terrifies me that I could have been so unhappy to have been loved so completely. When I look through all of my past relationships, the men I've dated have been so good to me. And I've left them all, abruptly and with little regret. (Venus square Mars?)
I spent most of my younger years very painfully alone -- the one strange child on the playground who was never teased, but neither had friends -- and I think I grew up not understanding how to incorporate people into my life, not really trusting anyone and gradually adapting to a life of solitude.
The most pure happiness I've felt in my life are the times I have been most alone, most unneeded and unnoticed. Detached. I'm so horrified that the conditions of my happiness seem to exclude being a real participant of the expected parts of life, and more unbearably -- that I've hurt people who have tried to care about me. I don't want children, don't want to be married, I never finished college, I'm self-employed and work from home, I don't enjoy keeping pets, I grow to resent anyone and anything that needs me. And I like it that way. I feel really, truly at peace with the world in my moments alone.
Looking at my chart, these traits don't seem completely out of the blue. Pluto in the 11th house is the highest point of my chart, afflicted in its squares to my Mercury and Moon in Aquarius. The Merc/Pluto square makes me lose my cool if subjected to small talk. If we aren't discussing the secrets to the universe or your darkest, weirdest observations about life within five minutes of meeting, I am totally over it. And the Moon/Pluto square... well, I can be pretty dark and fatalistic. In general, the overactive Pluto in Scorpio seems too intense for most people and I have a certain look in my eyes that makes me seems like I could laser-cut diamonds with them.
I also have a busy 1st house and almost all of my planets in the 1st quadrant of the chart -- making for a very "me"-focused personality, whether I want it or not. Uranus in the 1st... give me liberty or give me death. Neptune in the 1st... what planet am I on again? Saturn in the 1st... I have a pretty harsh outlook on life and I'm hard on myself too.
Chiron in Gemini... I frequently feel like nobody listens to me. Even when I communicate in explicit, plain English, the things I say to people don't seem to stick. So I tell them again. And again. And then when they come back to me later and say something like, "Well, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?!?" I nearly go mad.
For all this negative stuff, I have a ton of intellectual gifts, although they frequently feel like a burden too... my intellectualism proves very alienating to some people.
I'm not heartless... (Venus in Pisces, big softy) I'm the person who tears up at cheesy commercials and can't stand to squash a spider... and I feel broken that I decided to leave my partner, the one person on this planet who could possibly understand me completely and still want to be with me and want to marry me. And yet, even for that... I dream of being alone. A bed for one, a house for one, a life for one. I used to regard adults (typically men, it's unusual to meet solitary women) who led solo lives in their perma-bachelor pads as complete freaks, somehow failures to integrate with society. And then I realized I'm the female version of them.
At the very least, I'm trying to find a way to lead a simple, quiet life that makes me happy and doesn't hurt anyone. I feel like I should come with a disclaimer when I meet new people: "I won't lie to you, but even if I love you more than anything, I will always feel threatened by being needed, by demands you make on my time and my life. The only way to continue having me in your life is to treat me like a cactus: don't get too close, leave me where you found me."
Even for the man I've loved deeply for the past six years and who has been so exceedingly patient with me (Sun/Moon/ASC in Cancer, go figure)... I can't seem to be happy leading a normal life. When we finally made a home together, all I could think about was being alone again... until I finally just left him, even though I'm the first to admit I still love him. It terrifies me that I could have been so unhappy to have been loved so completely. When I look through all of my past relationships, the men I've dated have been so good to me. And I've left them all, abruptly and with little regret. (Venus square Mars?)
I spent most of my younger years very painfully alone -- the one strange child on the playground who was never teased, but neither had friends -- and I think I grew up not understanding how to incorporate people into my life, not really trusting anyone and gradually adapting to a life of solitude.
The most pure happiness I've felt in my life are the times I have been most alone, most unneeded and unnoticed. Detached. I'm so horrified that the conditions of my happiness seem to exclude being a real participant of the expected parts of life, and more unbearably -- that I've hurt people who have tried to care about me. I don't want children, don't want to be married, I never finished college, I'm self-employed and work from home, I don't enjoy keeping pets, I grow to resent anyone and anything that needs me. And I like it that way. I feel really, truly at peace with the world in my moments alone.
Looking at my chart, these traits don't seem completely out of the blue. Pluto in the 11th house is the highest point of my chart, afflicted in its squares to my Mercury and Moon in Aquarius. The Merc/Pluto square makes me lose my cool if subjected to small talk. If we aren't discussing the secrets to the universe or your darkest, weirdest observations about life within five minutes of meeting, I am totally over it. And the Moon/Pluto square... well, I can be pretty dark and fatalistic. In general, the overactive Pluto in Scorpio seems too intense for most people and I have a certain look in my eyes that makes me seems like I could laser-cut diamonds with them.
I also have a busy 1st house and almost all of my planets in the 1st quadrant of the chart -- making for a very "me"-focused personality, whether I want it or not. Uranus in the 1st... give me liberty or give me death. Neptune in the 1st... what planet am I on again? Saturn in the 1st... I have a pretty harsh outlook on life and I'm hard on myself too.
Chiron in Gemini... I frequently feel like nobody listens to me. Even when I communicate in explicit, plain English, the things I say to people don't seem to stick. So I tell them again. And again. And then when they come back to me later and say something like, "Well, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?!?" I nearly go mad.
For all this negative stuff, I have a ton of intellectual gifts, although they frequently feel like a burden too... my intellectualism proves very alienating to some people.
I'm not heartless... (Venus in Pisces, big softy) I'm the person who tears up at cheesy commercials and can't stand to squash a spider... and I feel broken that I decided to leave my partner, the one person on this planet who could possibly understand me completely and still want to be with me and want to marry me. And yet, even for that... I dream of being alone. A bed for one, a house for one, a life for one. I used to regard adults (typically men, it's unusual to meet solitary women) who led solo lives in their perma-bachelor pads as complete freaks, somehow failures to integrate with society. And then I realized I'm the female version of them.
At the very least, I'm trying to find a way to lead a simple, quiet life that makes me happy and doesn't hurt anyone. I feel like I should come with a disclaimer when I meet new people: "I won't lie to you, but even if I love you more than anything, I will always feel threatened by being needed, by demands you make on my time and my life. The only way to continue having me in your life is to treat me like a cactus: don't get too close, leave me where you found me."
I am definitely too hard on myself and have made my life harder by realizing my strangenesses and trying to "iron them out" by forcing myself into highly interactive life situations, hoping that it's a matter of trying something new, learning how to adapt. But it isn't. I was the youngest in my family and have always been considered by family and long-time friends to be the "wasted genius" -- the one who could have been most successful of all if I had any interest in becoming a normal part of the world. Dealing with so much disappointment from so many people I care about drove me to very self-destructive tendencies when I was a teenager.
Star-crossed I guess. 