IS there any purpose of my life?

I feel my life is meaningless and empty, I don't know what is my purpose. I'm extremely introverted, I have very few friends, rarely go out, mostly I just read books, playing video games, or just simply doing nothing because what is the point if we will die at some point anyway? I've always thought that I will open up and everything gonna change but it is just less and less likely. Since I was a teen I've read a lot about spiritual things like life after death because it gives me hope that everything is temporary now and I will be in a better place later. I've always felt that my creativity and communication is blocked and its very difficult to express myself in any form, its like I'm always locked in a box and there's no way out. Before I thought that if I find love, I will be happy, but all my relationships end before turning into serious, also I've always felt lonely in all my relationships. I'm not interested in getting married and having kids, I doubt I would be able to do that lifestyle anyway. Still, I can't stand the idea that I will live the rest of my life alone. I've always hoped that I'd change, but its never happening and I'm getting older and older without anything to happen in my life. I probably come across as a cold and boring person to most people because of this block of creativity and I'm really tired of trying. As if I was in chains that hold me back from everything. I wonder what should I focus on according to my chart to find some happiness and fulfillment? Or what is the lesson to learn?
Sorry if this post is too desperate /cringy or whatever, I couldn't describe it other way, and English is not even my native language. Thank you if you take the time to reply me.

Hey there.

You don't sound desperate but you definitely sound a bit contradictory. You say you hoped you would change, which speaks of your awareness that no one is responsible for your life than you, and yet you seem reluctant to do the work.
I also find it hard to believe you don't want family with that heavy Sag energy.

Anyways, here is the deal. I believe you feel this way because you are not paying your chart's debts so to speak. You are going against them, and you prolly are sitting too much in your south node aka comfort zone.

I'm curious how old are you? I'm asking because I wonder if you had your Saturn return yet.

Your NN speaks of your ultimate happiness and most uncomfortable zone, In your case it's conjunct the 8th house from 7th. You will find a lot of happiness if you actually let people close to you and try to establish a partnership with deep intimacy and affection. In this life you should focus less on yourself and more on someone else. You have to learn how to work in partnerships. Usually people begin to follow their NN in their late 20s, early 30s, aka after their first Saturn return.

I will refrain from deeper interpretations, before you answer.

Hello ardentika, thanks for reply

I'm turning 31 this December and I had my Saturn return a few years ago. Things that happened at that time: I became best worker of the year at my workplace, also I travelled abroad for the first time by myself to meet my long distance boyfriend. And now I'm considering changing jobs and breaking up with boyfriend since none of the two give me happiness anymore. But I'm too scared and uncertain to make any change, and not even sure about it. I'm aware that something is not ok with me since I was 20ish but I never had a clear idea what I do wrong. I would go to any direction if I was sure that is the right path for me. I try to be overly cautious with my decisions since I know my enthusiasm won't last for long. Sometimes I decide to change lifestyle, do more sports, eat more healthy etc but after a time I fall back to the same patterns. I always did the things I felt like and avoided too much commitment and responsibility. I don't know how it would be possible to have family with such a big need for freedom. I wish I could go back when I was 20 and consciously prepared for adult life and learnt some fundamental things. I feel its too late for everything now.
Btw my chart is not 100% accurate, there might be a + / - 20 minutes difference. So Neptune is either in 4th or 5th house, and NN can be in 7th or 8th house.

Violette said:

Hello ardentika, thanks for reply

I'm turning 31 this December and I had my Saturn return a few years ago. Things that happened at that time: I became best worker of the year at my workplace, also I travelled abroad for the first time by myself to meet my long distance boyfriend. And now I'm considering changing jobs and breaking up with boyfriend since none of the two give me happiness anymore. But I'm too scared and uncertain to make any change, and not even sure about it. I'm aware that something is not ok with me since I was 20ish but I never had a clear idea what I do wrong. I would go to any direction if I was sure that is the right path for me. I try to be overly cautious with my decisions since I know my enthusiasm won't last for long. Sometimes I decide to change lifestyle, do more sports, eat more healthy etc but after a time I fall back to the same patterns. I always did the things I felt like and avoided too much commitment and responsibility. I don't know how it would be possible to have family with such a big need for freedom. I wish I could go back when I was 20 and consciously prepared for adult life and learnt some fundamental things. I feel its too late for everything now.
Btw my chart is not 100% accurate, there might be a + / - 20 minutes difference. So Neptune is either in 4th or 5th house, and NN can be in 7th or 8th house.

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Ah I see. Well.

The freedom thingy and lack of committment comes from that Sag stellium, which is widely supported by Jupiter by trines. However your Moon disagrees. Your moon is so gentle and caring, and nurturing. There is definitely some conflict within you.

I highly doubt that changing career and breaking up will make you feel happy. You said "And now I'm considering changing jobs and breaking up with boyfriend since none of the two give me happiness anymore. " - I hope you do realize no one and nothing can make you happy. Happiness is a state of mind that you constantly destroy with that seeking of something more, something different.

Perhaps a spiritual path will be more suiting for you. Instead of constantly seeking for external challenges , look for them internally. This will greatly help you to stabilize your life, learn patience, and still get your adventures.

Set a goal for yourself in this life and follow you. The problem right now is your energy is scattered. You look for something, you yourself don't know what exactly, you seek it passionatly and end up always disappointed and feeling lack because of that. Because there is no clear goal. With this you are always bound to feel this way at some point.

Saturn is amongst that Sag stellium as if to supervise it.

Read more on the meaning of NN in Pisces in both 7th and 8th house, this might give you some clues.

But yeah, I see the lack of goal as the main issue. You always seem to always want more and never be satisfied with anything, so again, no matter what you seek or find, you will always be unhappy. That's why I said it's best for you to follow a spiritual path to balance the scales. You can never go too big with personal growth and ascension. You can in fact achieve a lot. You will still pay Saggies debt this way with a less "destructive" way when it comes to your physical life.