Hello,
i decided to write here again because i feel like im wasting my life - or maybe i am wrong. I dont wanna write what i have been in the past and how i understood my life and my purpose. Now is what counts. Because of pandemics since march 2020 i live with my family again. Since 1 year when i started working professionally in my profession in an office that i wanted to- i started to have less and less time for my friends from the past. Its due to many reasons- i wanted to cut off, i wanted to rebuild myself, i wanted to finally focus on my life not to others life or being a sponge for others crying and problems.
The thing is - when i started to live life i wanted to when i started 'cut off' not only people but* 'the past me' , i started to transform somehow - i saw that actually noone from my friends - maybe 1 person from closer friends was interested in what i was doing and taking initiative in talking or keeping in touch with me. So in the past for the last 10 years i had many circle of friends, social environments but it was usually due to me - my action, my initiative. I was a member of many organisations , groups but usually i was on the same level as men have been. Their girls were passive. I was always active but i thought it was good. It was not good. I havent had anyone in many years. Last 10 years was a path of failures in my relationship life and it was not because i didnt want to- i wanted to!!!- but noone wanted me for a long time in that 'active state' and usually my male friends ALWAYS were chosing passive girls.*
So i learnt that if i wanted to be in a group or a social circle i needed to take an action. And i was living in that state to be active and to take action, take initiative all my life, in work environment and in personal life. But maybe 2-3 years ago i decided to stop and only started to put my energy in my work environment. I started being passive in social activities ( because lmost everything was due to my initiative) because i was putting that energy in my work circle. I was getting higher and higher in work and in competitions related to work but i was losing friends. BUT I SAW that NOONE was willing to contact me first. And it was usually me who was that person to ORGANISE. SO i stopped. I started being passive in whatever i was doing earlier being an active person. I logged off from many social media, i started not to be 'visible'. AND what happened is that after some time- people started writing to me and CALLING ME. Usually people that i didnt expect* TO REMEMBER ME.
I lost weight, i look for a boyfriend now, but i dont wanna commitment. I havent had anyone in years like in a normal relationship. i was not in a target in this 'relationship, dating scene' so i can date now. But im 30. People assume i look for someone to be with long term or to marry. Its not true.*
My male friends and other people from the past remember me always being single. No man around me. Always everything i did was done by me maybe with a lil help of my foreign friends or family.
And now its not maybe about this pandemics, but i see myself as an observer of life. That I can really focus on my work and work related stuff and anything except relationship. I really do not care about men, and i am not jealous of guys that im attracted to that choose other female friends. I am like - ok whatever. And i go in that state deeper in life. I am afraid that it will not stop, that even if i look better or even if i am smarter, have more experience in work or i am more attractive - i would send 'whatever vibes'.*
AND my questions to you are - did i change forever? Its like 'i dont wanna, i dont care state'. ANd its not that i dont 'care' and i have contact with people. No. I dont care and I DO NOT have contact with people- only with* A FEW people including my FOREIGN FRIENDS from Spain or France that we share online pandemics live together . Only calling no social media. Sometimes i send 'instagram stories or fb stories' , i see people from the past are interested, see my stories, observe my stories, sometimes comment my stories. I never know WHEN IS the good time to change, to transform life to the way* i want.**
im* not like 21st century independent girl who have many friends, social circle, is talkative , popular and single by choice but her male friends secretly love her- no. Now since maybe a year or 1.5 years i prefer being alone, at home with family or with a book. Like i would come back to this state of being a teenager or someone who really dont care. For me world is open , i wanted to travel this year but pandemics started - i am stuck* here, work from home, being alone. I dont even 'have online connections' with people. Its not like in movies or in SKYPE ads that people gather and have social meetings. No. I am really alone. And if i didnt live with family now during pandemics i wouldnt have anyone to talk to in reality.
What do you see in my chart? I dont want to sound bad but it would be nice if you tell me if that state of my mind like 'being arrogant or not trusting or opening up to people' would fade away? What is going to change in my life?*
Thanks for any advice and comment,*
M
i decided to write here again because i feel like im wasting my life - or maybe i am wrong. I dont wanna write what i have been in the past and how i understood my life and my purpose. Now is what counts. Because of pandemics since march 2020 i live with my family again. Since 1 year when i started working professionally in my profession in an office that i wanted to- i started to have less and less time for my friends from the past. Its due to many reasons- i wanted to cut off, i wanted to rebuild myself, i wanted to finally focus on my life not to others life or being a sponge for others crying and problems.
The thing is - when i started to live life i wanted to when i started 'cut off' not only people but* 'the past me' , i started to transform somehow - i saw that actually noone from my friends - maybe 1 person from closer friends was interested in what i was doing and taking initiative in talking or keeping in touch with me. So in the past for the last 10 years i had many circle of friends, social environments but it was usually due to me - my action, my initiative. I was a member of many organisations , groups but usually i was on the same level as men have been. Their girls were passive. I was always active but i thought it was good. It was not good. I havent had anyone in many years. Last 10 years was a path of failures in my relationship life and it was not because i didnt want to- i wanted to!!!- but noone wanted me for a long time in that 'active state' and usually my male friends ALWAYS were chosing passive girls.*
So i learnt that if i wanted to be in a group or a social circle i needed to take an action. And i was living in that state to be active and to take action, take initiative all my life, in work environment and in personal life. But maybe 2-3 years ago i decided to stop and only started to put my energy in my work environment. I started being passive in social activities ( because lmost everything was due to my initiative) because i was putting that energy in my work circle. I was getting higher and higher in work and in competitions related to work but i was losing friends. BUT I SAW that NOONE was willing to contact me first. And it was usually me who was that person to ORGANISE. SO i stopped. I started being passive in whatever i was doing earlier being an active person. I logged off from many social media, i started not to be 'visible'. AND what happened is that after some time- people started writing to me and CALLING ME. Usually people that i didnt expect* TO REMEMBER ME.
I lost weight, i look for a boyfriend now, but i dont wanna commitment. I havent had anyone in years like in a normal relationship. i was not in a target in this 'relationship, dating scene' so i can date now. But im 30. People assume i look for someone to be with long term or to marry. Its not true.*
My male friends and other people from the past remember me always being single. No man around me. Always everything i did was done by me maybe with a lil help of my foreign friends or family.
And now its not maybe about this pandemics, but i see myself as an observer of life. That I can really focus on my work and work related stuff and anything except relationship. I really do not care about men, and i am not jealous of guys that im attracted to that choose other female friends. I am like - ok whatever. And i go in that state deeper in life. I am afraid that it will not stop, that even if i look better or even if i am smarter, have more experience in work or i am more attractive - i would send 'whatever vibes'.*
AND my questions to you are - did i change forever? Its like 'i dont wanna, i dont care state'. ANd its not that i dont 'care' and i have contact with people. No. I dont care and I DO NOT have contact with people- only with* A FEW people including my FOREIGN FRIENDS from Spain or France that we share online pandemics live together . Only calling no social media. Sometimes i send 'instagram stories or fb stories' , i see people from the past are interested, see my stories, observe my stories, sometimes comment my stories. I never know WHEN IS the good time to change, to transform life to the way* i want.**
im* not like 21st century independent girl who have many friends, social circle, is talkative , popular and single by choice but her male friends secretly love her- no. Now since maybe a year or 1.5 years i prefer being alone, at home with family or with a book. Like i would come back to this state of being a teenager or someone who really dont care. For me world is open , i wanted to travel this year but pandemics started - i am stuck* here, work from home, being alone. I dont even 'have online connections' with people. Its not like in movies or in SKYPE ads that people gather and have social meetings. No. I am really alone. And if i didnt live with family now during pandemics i wouldnt have anyone to talk to in reality.
What do you see in my chart? I dont want to sound bad but it would be nice if you tell me if that state of my mind like 'being arrogant or not trusting or opening up to people' would fade away? What is going to change in my life?*
Thanks for any advice and comment,*
M