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  #1  
Unread 11-20-2017, 08:13 PM
alphabetty alphabetty is offline
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Please Help Me Uncover My Past (Suspicion of Childhood Sexual Abuse)

I was born on December 3rd, 1991 at 4:44pm in Galveston, Texas, USA. I have always felt like my life was surrounded by mystery and the unseen.

In 2016, I was blessed to be working with young children. Through this job, I learned about being a loving caregiver. I felt so much fulfillment from being with the kids, and they gave me so much love in return. But at the end of my workday, I'd find myself dealing with suppressed emotions from my own childhood. By observing how these kids interacted with me and with each other, I soon learned that my own childhood behavior (mainly sexual) was not exactly "healthy." I worked with kids ages 2-5, and I couldn't help but look back and feel a sadness for myself when I was their age. It's not that I started to remember repressed memories, but I have uncovered repressed emotions, likely attached to certain experiences. When I think back to my childhood, I feel scared, neglected, and victimized, but I have no memories (yet) to associate with these feelings. Although, I do have a strange scar on my right cheek (about an inch long) and my mother claims to not know how I got it. I also suffered extreme nightmares and sleepwalking.

I feel like I'm on the right path towards healing, but I'd like to understand my natal chart better - could someone point out if I have any significant markers that would suggest childhood sexual abuse or incest? Or any other notable aspects about my chart. I'd really appreciate it! Thank you for reading!
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File Type: png natal.png (96.1 KB, 17 views)


Last edited by alphabetty; 11-21-2017 at 02:12 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 11-21-2017, 02:49 AM
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waybread waybread is offline
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Re: Please Help Me Uncover My Past (Suspicion of Childhood Sexual Abuse)

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry that you are feeling these disturbing emotions.

Would you mind re-posting your chart through the free charts pages at Astrodienst www.astro.com? Just make sure what you post here is large enough for the degrees to be legible. (I find your current chart format very difficult to read.)

It does look like you have moon conjunct Pluto in Scorpio, which can make your feelings tend towards subjects that society typically finds taboo, whether or not you have an actual history of child abuse. Moon conjunct Pluto has also been called the "Hades moon" and it can indicate a dysfunctional relationship with the mother. However, it's probably more accurate to think of the moon as showing the child's experience of the mother, rather than the literal mother.

Practically speaking if emotional harm to a child is suspected, moon-Pluto can suggest either that the mother was involved, or that the child blames the mother for failing to protect her from someone else who harmed her.

This thinking about subjects that society finds taboo is reinforced by your Black Moon Lilith in the 8th house conjunct Neptune. Neptune has a "did it or didn't it happen?" quality to it.

Please keep in mind that a horoscope is not actual evidence of something happening or not happening. It couldn't be used in a court of law, for example. It does show how are apt to experience life.

So with your very strong Venus in its own sign of Libra in the 5th house of children, I could imagine your enjoying working with children. I wonder, also, if you'd be good at volunteering with abused children.

Is therapy with a clinical psychologist an option for you? If you do have suppressed memories of actual abuse to recover, you might not want to go it alone.

With your sun, Mercury and North Node in Sagittarius, you might think of life as a journey, with new stages of knowledge and growth along the way.
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My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world. Jack Layton, "Letter to Canadians"

I thought we went along paths--but it seems there are no paths. The going itself is the path.
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  #3  
Unread 11-21-2017, 04:11 AM
alphabetty alphabetty is offline
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Re: Please Help Me Uncover My Past (Suspicion of Childhood Sexual Abuse)

Thank you for the response, @Waybread
I really appreciate you taking the time to look over my info. I've been wanting to pay for an in-depth reading for a while but they can be quite pricey. Any info I can obtain in the meantime is very helpful and puts my mind at ease.

Sorry the attachment wasn't clear! I've attached a new chart, hopefully it'll be better. I've also attached my mother's chart, since we were discussing mother-daughter troubles. My chart is "Natal2" and her chart is "Natal3" attached below.

I plan on seeing a professional for my emotional disturbances, but money is a problem right now. I'm doing what I can to heal on my own until I'm able to see a doctor. I have a very rich inner world, and I believe that I can accomplish quite a lot through self-exploration before I ever see a therapist. (Hopefully haha)

Perhaps these aspects that I copied from another site would make the interpretation easier?

Ascendant in Gemini 2° 46' 10"
Sun in Sagittarius 11° 16' 08"
Moon in Scorpio 16° 02' 05"
Mercury in Sagittarius 21° 45' 28"
Venus in Libra 27° 16' 32"
Mars in Sagittarius 3° 27' 16"
Jupiter in Virgo 13° 29' 27"
Saturn in Aquarius 3° 01' 06"
Uranus in Capricorn 12° 04' 26"
Neptune in Capricorn 15° 12' 47"
Pluto in Scorpio 21° 07' 02"
Chiron in Leo 9° 28' 51"
Black Moon Lilith in Capricorn 24° 36' 13"
North Node in Capricorn 10° 04' 29"
Part of Fortune in Taurus 7° 32' 06"
Vertex in Libra 29° 36' 20"
Midheaven in Aquarius 16° 00' 03"



Sun Conjunction Mars (orb 7°49')
Sun Square Jupiter (orb 2°13')
Sun Trine Chiron (orb 1°47')
Sun Opposition Ascendant (orb 8°30')
Moon Sextile Jupiter (orb 2°33')
Moon Sextile Uranus (orb 3°58')
Moon Sextile Neptune (orb 0°49')
Moon Conjunction Pluto (orb 5°5')
Moon Square Chiron (orb 6°33')
Moon Opposition Part of Fortune (orb 8°30')
Moon Square Midheaven (orb 0°2')
Venus Square Saturn (orb 5°45')
Venus Square Black Moon Lilith (orb 2°40')
Venus Conjunction Vertex (orb 2°20')
Mars Sextile Saturn (orb 0°26')
Mars Opposition Ascendant (orb 0°41')
Jupiter Trine Uranus (orb 1°25')
Jupiter Trine Neptune (orb 1°43')
Jupiter Trine North Node (orb 3°25')
Jupiter Trine Part of Fortune (orb 5°57')
Jupiter Quincunx Midheaven (orb 2°31')
Saturn Opposition Chiron (orb 6°28')
Saturn Conjunction Black Moon Lilith (orb 8°25')
Saturn Square Part of Fortune (orb 4°31')
Saturn Square Vertex (orb 3°25')
Saturn Trine Ascendant (orb 0°15')
Uranus Conjunction Neptune (orb 3°8')
Uranus Quincunx Chiron (orb 2°36')
Uranus Conjunction North Node (orb 1°60')
Uranus Trine Part of Fortune (orb 4°32')
Neptune Conjunction Black Moon Lilith (orb 9°23')
Neptune Conjunction North Node (orb 5°8')
Pluto Sextile Black Moon Lilith (orb 3°29')
Pluto Square Midheaven (orb 5°7')
Chiron Quincunx North Node (orb 0°36')
Chiron Square Part of Fortune (orb 1°57')
Chiron Opposition Midheaven (orb 6°31')
Black Moon Lilith Square Vertex (orb 5°0')
North Node Trine Part of Fortune (orb 2°32')
Part of Fortune Opposition Vertex (orb 7°56')


It may also be important to note a few other strange things about my life/family:

My paternal grandfather was a child rapist and murderer. He died before I was born. I suspect that I may have been him in a past life, although I have had quite a lot of luck in this life, signifying good karma? So I'm not sure.

I was gifted many occult objects when I was a kid, and didn't think anything of it until I was an adult. My mom bought me a voodoo doll when she made a trip to New Orleans, and my maternal uncle gave me a ouija board when I was a bit older. Now that I have some adult perspective, I think it's wrong to give dark art gifts to kids.

My maternal great-great grandfather was a Freemason and his wife, an Eastern Star.

Sorry for the information overload! I'm just excited to be connecting the dots. Thanks again for your help!
Attached Images
File Type: jpg natal2.jpg (57.5 KB, 19 views)
File Type: jpg natal3.jpg (59.7 KB, 10 views)
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  #4  
Unread 11-21-2017, 07:46 PM
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waybread waybread is offline
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Re: Please Help Me Uncover My Past (Suspicion of Childhood Sexual Abuse)

No problem, alphabetty. Generally the long list of chart placements isn't helpful, so long as we can read the planetary degrees off of the chart or the aspectarian. A horoscope is a graphic form of communication, so most of us do better if we can read the chart as a kind of picture.

I'm not a big fan of past lives astrology. There is some scientific evidence for reincarnation, but this doesn't mean any kind of negative karma stuff. I've just seen too many unhappy people beat themselves up over some kind of imagined past life that probably never happened.

I can see why the information about your grandfather would prey on your mind. Did you grow up with your father (his son) or was he out of your life, mostly?

Mom's 7th house of marriage and other long-term committed relationships look troubled. She's got moon square Pluto and you've got moon conjunct Pluto, suggesting to me that independently of whatever might (or might not) have happened to you as a child, you both have a tendency to brood and be deeply affected by subjects that most people would consider to be taboo. Her giving you a voodoo doll as a toy might be a case in point.

I wonder if you felt, as a child, that your mother adequately protected you from harm. If she is still a part of your life and if you are on good terms, perhaps you could find an appropriate time to ask her if anything untoward happened to you as a child.

I have moon conjunct Pluto, as well; and I would describe my relationship with my mother as superficially all right, but emotionally dysfunctional. In hindsight, as an adult, she had her own emotional problems, but no real way of pulling herself out of them. Possibly your experience of your mother was something like this.
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My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world. Jack Layton, "Letter to Canadians"

I thought we went along paths--but it seems there are no paths. The going itself is the path.
C.S. Lewis, Perelandra.

Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. Message on a refrigerator magnet.
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  #5  
Unread 11-26-2017, 04:14 PM
astrowitch astrowitch is offline
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Re: Please Help Me Uncover My Past (Suspicion of Childhood Sexual Abuse)

Alphabetty, I recognize some things about your chart. My chart and yours share some basic similarities. I have some particular childhood abuse markers in my chart, so I’m pretty familiar with the topic. You don’t have those markers. You’ve got different things to deal with here.

You have a VERY strong orientation toward the occult with your 8th house placements. You are very sensitive to the Otherworld, and what you are feeling may not even “belong” to you—it may be coming from spirits that are trying to communicate with you, and you just don’t recognize it for what it is. With your north node in the 8th too, it’s a good idea to accept this about yourself and engage with it even more, but from a place of learning and growing spiritually.

You are experiencing a Pluto transit to your 8th house—the “Cosmic Plumber” is snaking your psychic drainpipes. I am also going through that same transit. It’s a deep, slow process, and Pluto always dredges up some kind of trauma. However, this is supposed to help you transform something. It’s no surprise that you’re feeling some difficult stuff with that transit. Saturn will start going through Capricorn soon too, for about 2-1/2 years, which makes it necessary for you to “do the work” of confronting your 8th house stuff. You will be rewarded for doing the work, though, since that’s part of Saturn’s nature. Scorpio on your 6th house cusp with Venus and Moon/Pluto in the 6th screams to me “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” (I also have Scorpio on the 6th cusp, with Neptune plus Moon conjunct Venus in Scorpio.)

Having Capricorn on the 8th house, the occult is an area to which you need to bring a lot of duty and dedication and a high level of personal integrity. (I also have Capricorn on the 8th cusp.) Capricorn on the 8th cusp can feel “lonely.” Most people won’t understand what you’re experiencing. Pointing again to the 6th house, it’s not friends or family that can provide the most meaningful help and understanding—you need teachers, people who know this 8th house stuff, have experienced it, and thus can provide meaningful help. Also with your Capricorn 8th plus your 9th house Saturn in Aquarius, it seems to me that dealing with any fear you might have around occult matters is part of the “work” involved. You seem to have an innate, natural conservatism about religion—to me, Saturn there may mean you need to do some “get real” work around your “philosophy of religion.” Your 8th house experiences don’t really fit with religious conservatism. The 9th house asks you to open up your perspective about that.

Your first step before anything else needs to be learning how to raise and lower your psychic boundaries *at will* and learning how to do psychic hygiene on yourself! I mean, immediately, learn how to do these two things.

With your 4th house Jupiter, you also have the ability to do ancestral healing work for yourself and others too.

Rather than voodoo or witchcraft, I’d strongly point you toward “core shamanism” instead. It’s going to be important for you to find and learn from spiritual/occult teachers of integrity. You could check out some of the high-vibe shamanic teachers such as Christina Pratt, Daniel Foor, and Sandra Ingerman. Their writings and podcasts can also lead you to many other high-vibe sources of occult learning and understanding.

There are many techniques and practices of core shamanism that would be of great help to you, IMO. It doesn’t replace psychotherapy, but works great hand-in-hand with it. Your 3rd house Chiron in Leo does suggest that you’ve somehow sustained an injury to your mind or your perceptions—but it’s a mental wound to your egoic Self rather than a physical wound. It may have to do with your psychic boundaries being invaded, considering all of your 8th house energy. I agree with you that you can do a lot for yourself while waiting for the money to pay for therapy, but a therapist who brings a shamanic or astrological orientation to their work would be far better for you than one who “doesn’t believe” in such things. You might actually discover that getting a handle on your psychic abilities is the whole issue. You’re highly empathic too, so learning how to distinguish your own “stuff” from other people’s stuff is key.

Perhaps your mom and the people who were gifting you these “dark” occult objects were subconsciously picking up on your 8th house vibe and simply responded on the level they themselves are at with these matters. (Most people tend to approach Ouija boards and voodoo dolls as if it’s just a game, so they get in trouble with it.) It seems to me that maybe the gifters just didn’t know any better. But *you can* know better. You yourself don’t ever need to use a Ouija board—your ability to spirit-communicate comes to you naturally, with no need for such tools. You don’t need games or parlor tricks. You need to look toward a higher, integrity-filled, service-oriented expression of those energies.

The unexplainable scar on your cheek... I suggest looking into authors such as Brian Weiss and Ian Stevenson. It has been noted that sometimes people carry physical markers from one life into the next. It’s possible, but up to you to figure out your own truth about it.

I’m literally old enough to be your mother. If you were my child who had a chart like this, I would have started teaching you about these things at a very early age, but from a place of helping you to not fear your gifts and seeing how you might use your strong psychic abilities to help people. I see in this chart too that you are a psychopomp—someone who can help the dying cross over to the Other Side to find peace and Light. You could help and humbly serve others in a positive way with these gifts. You actually have a great chart and could do a lot of good in this world by embracing your Otherworldly gifts. :-)

P.S. I just looked at the other chart too. Your mother is also a psychic/psychopomp and has got a lot of focus in her chart on the ancestors and early childhood and the subconscious. Perhaps you are psychically picking up strongly on her issues and mistaking them for your own? Your gifts are stronger than your mom’s are, though, and her evolutionary imperative is different than yours is. But neither one of you have indications of having particularly toxic childhoods. It looks to me that it falls mainly to you to unravel whatever is going on in your family history. She could be of great help in that regard, though—not specifically with the 8th house stuff, but with the family-specific stuff. *I see great potential for spiritual healing here, whatever is going on.*

Last edited by astrowitch; 11-26-2017 at 08:07 PM.
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  #6  
Unread 11-26-2017, 04:45 PM
Animatrix Animatrix is offline
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Re: Please Help Me Uncover My Past (Suspicion of Childhood Sexual Abuse)

I think you would remember if you had been abused. It must be such a horrible experience that is not likely to just be forgotten.
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  #7  
Unread 11-26-2017, 10:22 PM
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waybread waybread is offline
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Re: Please Help Me Uncover My Past (Suspicion of Childhood Sexual Abuse)

Animatrix, when people are badly traumatized (as in a nasty car crash, battle injury) they often don't remember the actual accident. They remember the before and after. It's probably a way for the brain to protect itself. For a child, a serious sexual assault would be of this nature. Also very young children do not develop memories in the same way that adults do. For example, what is your earliest memory? How old were you then?

Children can be threatened so that they won't tell anyone what happened. Then they don't have any way to process the event in a rational way.

There is such a thing as a false memory of sexual abuse, which is why it gets a little tricky. If a psychologist asks someone a lot of leading questions and responds approvingly to an affirmative response and disapprovingly to a null response, clients can actually retrieve memories that are not there.

However there are clues that abuse occurred, which might include unusual sexual behaviour in a child, PTSD symptoms such as "splitting," unusual fears or phobias.
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My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world. Jack Layton, "Letter to Canadians"

I thought we went along paths--but it seems there are no paths. The going itself is the path.
C.S. Lewis, Perelandra.

Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. Message on a refrigerator magnet.
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