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  #1  
Unread 10-23-2018, 07:01 PM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Hello,


Good to 'meet' you all. I won't go into too much detail, but I'm going through a pretty serious time with my mental health this year. I'm coming off medication gradually and have had intense withdrawal, but as I've been medicated for so long (almost 10 years) it is very difficult for me to tell what is naturally 'my' tendencies and what is complicated by chemical fluctuations over the years.



I've had my chart looked at before, but I'd very much like to know more about the 'darker' aspects, or what might be influencing much of what I'm experiencing. I've always had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but now the fears have reached epic proportions. I have intense panic inducing fears of being bad or 'evil', and this was majorly triggered recently because I heard that many murderers/sadists etc have Scorpio Rising (which I have). I became very paranoid that I have too much of this or maybe 'bad' elements in my chart that make me potentially dangerous.



I've always battled with this 'am I a good person' thing, and during a time of great recovery (before this medication situation) I became deeply involved in meditation and spiritual practices, and learned a lot of self love. I really thought I'd never suffer like this with my mental health again, at least not to this degree.



Now that's all been thrown into question and the fears are back and worse than ever. I'm terrified I'm actually evil or sadistic underneath, and have kidded myself. I am suddenly noticing all my behaviours or tendencies that are negative in this way and can't be around anyone much because of the anxiety. I had started to believe I was actually a very good, compassionate, strong, intuitive person, now I'm confused and it's taken over my life. (I'm getting help and support for this). My sense of self has been blown to bits, and not for the first time. Having said all that, I obsess and analyse it all to death and really just need a professional, all-round view of what I'm dealing with. I just don't have the clarity to see things objectively, only really in extremes at the moment.



So that's where I hope someone here can offer some insight. This is a brief overview of the present, my story is quite long and complex and I won't bore you with it. If anyone would like to take a look at my chart, I would be hugely appreciative. (I got this offline, hope it's ok?) Many thanks in advance x



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  #2  
Unread 11-02-2018, 11:35 AM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

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  #3  
Unread 11-02-2018, 11:36 AM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Doh! Apologies, I realised I hadn't even uploaded my chart properly. It should be above now. If anyone has any insights I'd much appreciate it, I've started therapy for my issues but going through some pretty crazy stuff and have finding it very difficult to see anything clearly. Many thanks x
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  #4  
Unread 11-02-2018, 06:34 PM
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JUPITERASC JUPITERASC is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by AbbyE View Post
Hello,
Good to 'meet' you all. I won't go into too much detail, but I'm going through a pretty serious time with my mental health this year. I'm coming off medication gradually and have had intense withdrawal, but as I've been medicated for so long (almost 10 years) it is very difficult for me to tell what is naturally 'my' tendencies and what is complicated by chemical fluctuations over the years.
You have mentioned "chemical fluctuations"
so then
consider whether, if you are on medication
that fears are one of the side-effects of the medication
and check online to find out

also worth doing Tai Chi

Tai Chi is a form of gentle physical practice
that is calming for mind and emotions

Quote:
Originally Posted by AbbyE View Post

I've had my chart looked at before, but I'd very much like to know more about the 'darker' aspects, or what might be influencing much of what I'm experiencing. I've always had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but now the fears have reached epic proportions. I have intense panic inducing fears of being bad or 'evil', and this was majorly triggered recently because I heard that many murderers/sadists etc have Scorpio Rising (which I have). I became very paranoid that I have too much of this or maybe 'bad' elements in my chart that make me potentially dangerous.

I've always battled with this 'am I a good person' thing, and during a time of great recovery (before this medication situation) I became deeply involved in meditation and spiritual practices, and learned a lot of self love. I really thought I'd never suffer like this with my mental health again, at least not to this degree.

Now that's all been thrown into question and the fears are back and worse than ever. I'm terrified I'm actually evil or sadistic underneath, and have kidded myself. I am suddenly noticing all my behaviours or tendencies that are negative in this way and can't be around anyone much because of the anxiety. I had started to believe I was actually a very good, compassionate, strong, intuitive person, now I'm confused and it's taken over my life. (I'm getting help and support for this). My sense of self has been blown to bits, and not for the first time. Having said all that, I obsess and analyse it all to death and really just need a professional, all-round view of what I'm dealing with. I just don't have the clarity to see things objectively, only really in extremes at the moment.

So that's where I hope someone here can offer some insight. This is a brief overview of the present, my story is quite long and complex and I won't bore you with it. If anyone would like to take a look at my chart, I would be hugely appreciative. (I got this offline, hope it's ok?) Many thanks in advance x
keep in mind that ours is an astrological learning forum
where members practice astrological skills free
no one is paid
therefore
responses to threads
are often from members who are beginners with little or no experience
keen to learn by practice

members are encouraged to discuss interpreting their own charts to learn by practice
we also have members with many years of astrological study completed
members have day jobs
and those of our members who are professionals
do not provide a complete professional reading for free
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82p-D...eature=related Hippocrates Let food be your medicine: let medicine be your food. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvz9uSK3zXo Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead Tom Stoppard http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KchhSIVwMdY Every exit is an entrance to somewhere else. VETTIUS VALENS FREE http://www.csus.edu/indiv/r/rileymt/...s%20entire.pdf
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  #5  
Unread 11-02-2018, 07:46 PM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Hi JUPITERASC, thanks for your reply. I maybe should have worded that better, my written and cognitive skills aren't great at the moment.

The obsessional fears are something I've always struggled with, before medication right back as far as I can remember. I know that medication as complicated and worsened them, but they've always been underlying in my psyche.

Also, I wasn't looking for a full professional chart reading. I've been learning to read my own chart but again, struggling cognitively which makes it difficult to focus, retain information etc. I was just wondering if anyone happened to spot anything, or would like to share their thoughts from an initial look at the overall chart. Since I'm in quite a fixed, restrictive mindset right now, it's often helpful to get outside thoughts and insights. I appreciate the information you provided, I'll keep that in mind
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  #6  
Unread 11-02-2018, 10:13 PM
StelliumNoise StelliumNoise is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Speaking to the OCD, I'd say a large contributor is your Virgo Moon in the 10th (the anxiety house, reputation, how others see you), squaring your Gemini Sun in the 8th. [B]Gemini in the 8th is going to gravitate towards dark just for darks sake. It's an objective air sign but Gemini dosen't like the 8th house. It's a lighter, more fluffy energy, and Scorpio (ruler of the 8th house) is the dark investigator.

As someone with 4 planets in Gemini, I can tell you that I have no problem considering multiple sides of any issue. And also scanning issues just for fun sometimes.
And Gemini and Virgo, even though they are ruled by Mercury, are very different energies. Virgo scans facts, operational manuals, and newspapers = Earth. And Gemini scans concepts, logic, and idealism = Space.

The good news is you seem to be on the right path with your inquiries because you have North Node in the 3rd house.

When the dark thoughts come up just realize this is your Gemini energy being directed at the 8th house taboo-ish subjects. And you really do need to bring your focus to the 3rd house, which is you personally and not these broad topics that are far removed from your life experience. The North Node is transiting your 9th house (your south node) for the next year so just keep that in mind.

Yin & Yang is in all spiritual teachings and so is Gemini logic so it's completely understandable that you'd have this sort of issue.

And also the Scorpio Rising, especially with Pluto in the 1st, may speak more towards a past life, rather than this one? Really ground yourself to your personal experience to help you through this

Last edited by StelliumNoise; 11-02-2018 at 10:21 PM.
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  #7  
Unread 11-03-2018, 09:28 AM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Wow StelliumNoise, that's very helpful! Especially in terms of gravitating towards dark just for dark's sake. I also had a feeling the sun square moon might be a big factor, but the gemini scorpio 'clash' really does feel a lot like this split personality experience. Thank you for your thoughts
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  #8  
Unread 11-03-2018, 09:34 AM
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JUPITERASC JUPITERASC is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by AbbyE View Post

Hi JUPITERASC, thanks for your reply.

I maybe should have worded that better, my written and cognitive skills aren't great at the moment.

The obsessional fears are something I've always struggled with, before medication right back as far as I can remember. I know that medication as complicated and worsened them, but they've always been underlying in my psyche.

Also, I wasn't looking for a full professional chart reading. I've been learning to read my own chart but again, struggling cognitively which makes it difficult to focus, retain information etc. I was just wondering if anyone happened to spot anything, or would like to share their thoughts from an initial look at the overall chart. Since I'm in quite a fixed, restrictive mindset right now, it's often helpful to get outside thoughts and insights.


I appreciate the information you provided, I'll keep that in mind
The "One-size-fits-all" Cookbook Recipe School of Unreliable astrology
leads many astray


BASICS


A PLANET acts

A HOUSE shows the area of life
in which the planet acts


as well as
how strongly the planet can act




and the
quality of the planet's expression
is influenced by the SIGN location of the PLANET
__________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82p-D...eature=related Hippocrates Let food be your medicine: let medicine be your food. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvz9uSK3zXo Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead Tom Stoppard http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KchhSIVwMdY Every exit is an entrance to somewhere else. VETTIUS VALENS FREE http://www.csus.edu/indiv/r/rileymt/...s%20entire.pdf
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  #9  
Unread 11-03-2018, 09:47 AM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

JUPITERASC... That's exactly what I needed! Thank you. I've been jumping around picking bits out of my chart (somewhat obsessively - thanks virgo/gemini &#128580, but this makes it much more simple as a place to start.
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  #10  
Unread 11-03-2018, 10:11 AM
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JUPITERASC JUPITERASC is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by AbbyE View Post


JUPITERASC... That's exactly what I needed! Thank you.
Great

Quote:
Originally Posted by AbbyE View Post


I've been jumping around picking bits out of my chart

(somewhat obsessively
- thanks virgo/gemini &#128580,
but this makes it much more simple as a place to start.
Important to have METHOD - saves time
__________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82p-D...eature=related Hippocrates Let food be your medicine: let medicine be your food. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvz9uSK3zXo Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead Tom Stoppard http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KchhSIVwMdY Every exit is an entrance to somewhere else. VETTIUS VALENS FREE http://www.csus.edu/indiv/r/rileymt/...s%20entire.pdf
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  #11  
Unread 11-03-2018, 10:19 AM
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JUPITERASC JUPITERASC is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

The following METHOD
requires

plenty of study

to assimilate well

when you need a reminder

you can refer to this thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascension View Post

the symbolism of astrology
in your nature and experience

is important in my opinion.

It's like someone realizes that they are an actor in a play,

then with experience and knowledge of the craft,
that revelation opens the door to them becoming the director also.

Going then with the analogy of a 'performance' or 'play'

we have
12 basic 'backdrops' to

the theatre or movie of a natal chart


Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo
Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces



and then

Each of those 12 'backdrops' - dependent on time of birth -
is pinned as an individual 'background or cusp'
on each of the 12 basic 'scenes' aka 'houses'






1. Birth/Self/Appearance/Vitality/Strength


2. Resources, material comforts, earnings
and all issues concerning wealth or of a financial nature
including the manner of attaining wealth, personal goods and belongings,
assets, income, gain, money lent to others, profit (or loss when afflicted),
support and assistance from others. http://www.skyscript.co.uk/temples/h2.html


3 Brothers and sisters, cousins or general members of the family
(not parents, they belong to the 4th scene aka house).
Neighbors and local neighborhood. The environment in which we live and work.
Short journeys or those made on a regular basis.
Letters, rumors, reports, messages and messengers.
Communications generally. Newspapers, magazines, telephones, postal service.
Written deeds and contracts. Speeches and debates.
Our ability to express ourselves and communicate to others.
Languages, mobility skills and self-expression
http://www.skyscript.co.uk/temples/h3.html
and so on..........


each 'scene' aka 'house'
features planets as 'actors'
within any one of the 12 basic 'scenes' or 'houses'
'performing' before the 'backdrop' of the 12 'signs'


for example
Venus and Jupiter are in general thought of as the 'good guys'
Mars and Saturn are traditionally the 'bad guys'
Mercury can be the 'dodgy', sometimes good sometimes not so good
dependent on the company Mercury keeps

Scenes often 'merge'
taking into account that planets in each others houses influence the 'script'
and then ALSO
we have our "travelling players"
aka transiting planets
putting in temporary appearances

for example
transiting MOON is "on the scene" for approximately 2.5 days
before travelling on to the next venue aka house


MERCURY puts in an appearance "for one week only"
then on to the next scene aka house

after nineteen days VENUS goes to the next stage aka house
SUN sticks around for a month
MARS fifty-seven days
JUPITER a year
SATURN two and a half years
adding layers to the drama
an analysis may be as complex or as basic as one prefers





__________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82p-D...eature=related Hippocrates Let food be your medicine: let medicine be your food. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvz9uSK3zXo Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead Tom Stoppard http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KchhSIVwMdY Every exit is an entrance to somewhere else. VETTIUS VALENS FREE http://www.csus.edu/indiv/r/rileymt/...s%20entire.pdf
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  #12  
Unread 11-03-2018, 07:14 PM
rahu rahu is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Hi AbbeE

While taking your chart in ,idid notice two layers to your chart. One like you describes,” I had started to believe I was actually a very good, compassionate, strong, intuitive person”, and a another pattern which is a much darker,deeper and malicious structure

Your moon is sextile to the Jupiter/chiron conjunction, sextile to the juno,Lilith,pluto conjunction as it is trine to mercury conjunct Sedna and is also trine to neptune so you have atight grand trine with moon, mercury and neptune.

This patterns embodied your sense of
“ goodness”.mercury conjunct to Sedna gives a priority to truth in all dealings. sextile with the moon, these give a excellent mind and memory as well as compassion. As moon/mercury are also sextile to Jupiter and chiron, your mind is now marked by excellent deductive and critical abilities. As juno is also part of this sextile pattern, your mind is actually quite brilliant intellectually in addition to having a strong moral vein with the influence of Neptune and Sedna. Actually I have to describe your overall mental abilities as brilliant. You memory is very acute and you understand the large patterns of life , law and society as well as the intimate and personal interactions of mind andmatter. you understand the large patterns in life as well as the intricacies of personal thoughts ,actions and ambitions.

With the mercury/venus midpoint conjunct to psyche you have such a sparkle and humor about you. But as orcus is square to psychic then it may be that at times when you were feeling joy and love, that dark depressive boding clouds come over you. it may be in general that you are afraid of joy because every oftens dark thoughts follow. These would be because of orcus’s influence on you.

Quite frankly, you have very executive abilities and have many indications of a highly function member of educated society.

The darker side of your chart seems to be related to family and it is here that your excellent qualities seem to have been distorted.

Juno is conjunct to Lilith and pluto and opposed to Sedna. So immediately with juno/pluto opposed to Sedna, there are indication that essential family/heritage truths are being hidden or distorted. Lilith might be thought of as you primordial emotional center…. That is Lilith is the material with which all other emotional sensational and rhythms of your body are derived.
So liltih is often the connection between subconscious and unconscious dynamics in your personality…. But rising into your personality.
Junoand Lilith is aspect of strength.it gives wisdom and understanding while imopartinf=-g a constructive lust to life. Pluto here can be problematic as it means that much of your subconscious and being activated by unconscious parts of your mind. Pluto ruling death and radical transformations and change can give the feeling of fear.so you do have a unconscious source of fears potentially. Here with juno,these uncertainties are tied into to heritage and family.juno represents the grandmother the so she may have already passed over, and/or she could have been a strong influence on you.

But the opposition of pluto to Sedna is very problematic because you are a personal of truth and integrity and have grown up with these priorities in you ideas ,words and actions. So it is as if there is a significant “family” falsity that wouldmake mockery of your beliefs if revealed.

So it may be a first sign of mental weakness would be the inability to live up to your own standards.
But do not take this statement as a personal indictment of you….. it is not… but it is allusion to looking behind the scenes of the family dynamic to find the source of your tension rather than place this tension on you and you alone. It is not any imperfection in your body,mind or spirit but rather the source of you weakness is from the shadows and indiscretions inherent in your families heritage.

Specifically the dark,fear generating forces are incestual in nature. The dark patterns in your chart that cause you to doubt your own brilliance begin with orcus conjunct the south node and square to psyche. Orcus is a twin of pluto and with the nodal axis with orcus canbe an aspect of abuse. Here psyche is square to orcus and the node with specifically is a danger of sexual abuse at a very young age. I suggest this is your situation because when abuse beginning in infancy, then it is very difficult to remember such experiences .but there can be a undefined
fear” of life . this forms because the brutality of sexual assault with qualify the ability to open and receive love if the abuse is regular.it the abuse is severe , then psychosis can develop and adissociate personality pair can develop

I come to this position partially because your fear is that you are a bad person capable of murder etc. what has happened is you have adopted the personality of your abuser. You abuser is the one with the potential to murder. And out of the fear of dying ,your mind adopted the identity of the murderer.

Another specific aspect that points to these dynamics is the mars opposed to nessus. This is a sexually abusive aspect. This indicates that not only was there a primary abuser but that you have also been abuses by peripheral males. That is brother,friends or uncles in addition to..your father. This aspect can be evil and could engender the fear for your life.

The Saturn/orcus midpoint is conjunct your ascendant and opposed to venus on the descendant and the mars/psyche midpoint is also conjunct to venus.

This pattern shows that you area amazingly loving and romantic.you draw many people to you…many suitors, but also many people who are enchanted by your grace and goodmess.
But with Saturn/orcus opposed to Venus, you emotional and physical “charms” attracted the dark emotions to you at a very young age.

Usually if someone has be subject to abuse to the degree your chart shows then they often will develop some form or autoimmune disorder.
You char has a few other aspects focusing on abuse, but now you need to figure out how to adapt to your situation.

You mention these disorders have returned. This would make sense because orcus/

The problematic orcus/node square to psyche and venus/mercury midpoint was recently transited by the node, so for the present, we might be able to draw a correlation between you recent shadows and this pattern.

The north node transited you orcus and south node from The May 3 to may 17th. This should have been the time when fear came back to you ad you doubted your own value.
Though with mercury opposed to pluto last December. So it maybe that you dark moods began then but reached their most emotional in

The node was square to your satrun/orcus midpoint and square venus from may 21 to may 23, so this could have been somber also because in some ways you are experiencing those negative energies now.
I ve put out a bit for you to mull over.
One last reminder is that all transits pass… time goes on… one in never trapped forever. So you might not understand what is happening now but you will

love
rahu
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  #13  
Unread 11-05-2018, 08:59 AM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Wow Rahu...thank you so much for taking the time to write all that. That's a whole lot of information, and so thorough. I appreciate it.


May was a very difficult time, especially around those dates. I'm very interested (and also a little scared) about the abuse you mention. As far as I'm aware I was never abused, however, I always said to my Mum I had characteristics of someone who was - sexually confused/uncomfortable, intrusive thoughts of this nature, fear of life in general from an early age. I always felt quite guilty of that because I've done regression therapy and have no recollection of any abuse. There is one vague suspicion of one occasion, but again, just a feeling rather than facts, and my imagination has a tendency to run wild.


My father died by suicide when I was 8. He suffered from the same obsessional fears, depression, and had a huge guilt complex, from the sounds of it very similar issues to me. He would be the last person, I think, to have been sexually abusive in any way - do you think the chart aspects suggests father specifically in relation to this, or is it family males in general? I don't keep in contact with any of my family since we moved after he died, except my Mother and siblings.



This has given me a lot to consider, and also shone a light on some other things I need to look at in time that I'd forgotten about. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your interpretation, it's very kind.
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Unread 11-05-2018, 04:43 PM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

JUPITERASC - also thank you for those detailed notes, they're really helpful. I'm going to continue exploring the bigger picture of astrology and this is a great place to start.


Rahu - I just re-read the end of your last comment and got chills...I had my first serious 'episode' of all this back last December, then another one in May, and again recently. They were the three major points this year, exactly as you described. I had my chart read professionally once but she only mentioned good things (which was nice, and beneficial at the time), but no one has ever explained these more detailed aspects. I felt triggered and apprehensive, but also a strong motivational energy. As if I see now there is more beyond these current mental states, like I'm maybe not so restricted. Hard to explain, but thank you again. This has given me something to think about.
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Unread 11-05-2018, 06:45 PM
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StillOne StillOne is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

One thing that struck me right away by your chart is the partile opposition of Mercury and Pluto. If I were you, I'd research it further and try and get as many opinions on it as you can.

For example:

Quote:
Mercury Opposition Pluto
The energy of the opposition aspect creates considerable inner pressure and tension, mentally and emotionally, and can be difficult to deal with constructively, as a considerable inner change is required before the energy can come under the control of an integrated personality. Due to the inner agitation and anxiety, your perception of the world and your feelings response to events will be strongly colored by its activity. This is not necessarily to imply that your interpretation is wrong, but that your experience of it will affect you more deeply and influentially than it would most other people, who could possibly give it...
source: https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/P...position-Pluto

Quote:
Mercury square or opposition Pluto
You are so perceptive and you dig so deep for answers that you can be your own worst enemy. As a result, you might find ulterior motives or dark intent where there is none, and your suspicious, provocative attitude can cause some problems in your personal life, particularly if it reaches the level of paranoia. Not many people enjoy being second-guessed all the time, yet that is something that you are inclined to do, and a tendency that should be kept in...
source: https://cafeastrology.com/natal/merc...toaspects.html
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  #16  
Unread 11-06-2018, 09:05 PM
rahu rahu is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

hi again AbbeyE

I hoped you would have some feedback a these topics can be very difficult to open up to.

your father's suicide is suspect. by that I mean his suicide would make sense if he had been treating you abusively and someone found out.

the periods I pointed out were part of the cycle of abuse. since these periods affected you, it makes me think there are abusive experiences in your past.

as I mentioned ,I feel you were abused at a very early age . probably before your personality/consciousness formed. hence you can't remember consciously what happened but you still obviously have emotional reaction to this abuse. regression therapy is an intellectual process so experiences in your pre conscious life may not be accessible. also did you go to a psychiatrist? psychiatrists are the worst counselors to go to for sexual abuse problems because their "dogma" down plays sexual abuse.

I have had several clients with severe sexual/incestual abuse. I'd like to describe one case as it might jog your memory.

one client who was very close to me, also could not remember any instances of sexual abuse with her father.but she is a brilliant woman and did have some odd childhood memories that she could never figure out.

the first was when she was about 18 months old......she remembered looking a her raggedy ann doll with stiches for eyes. and she remembers thinking how sad it was that her doll was dead. obviously the first thing that she wondered about was how she as a 18 month old infant would have ideas of the concept of death to begin with. but she clearly remembers thinking this while in her crib.

sexual abuse and death are often closely related if the victim has no other way of escape.18 months is quite early but I also have memories of when I was 18 months old. I think a strong chiron/mercury aspect can give one access to very early memories in life.

she always was afraid of her father though she had no memories as to why,but it was so severe that her mother gossiped to in laws as to why she feared her father who did not outwardly show hostility.her mother had no idea why she feared her father either. I felt this was a block her mother had....that is ,never acknowledging that there was something amiss with her husband and never wanting to upset the boat so to speak as he was very wealthy.

she also was a cutter, cutting slices on her arm. this can be a sign of abuse. she also engaging in stabbing action to her stomach. she never cut herself there but clearly remembers as a child acting out stabbing herself many times. this action can also indicate sexual abuse because of the penetrating motion directed at their selves.

I asked when she stopped fearing her father and she did not remember but even up to the time we were counseling, she said she was uncomfortable with him until they had a drink or two.
she had a alcohol problem that when back to childhood when she would get drunk with her father. it was clear to me that the sexual acts always occurred when she was a drunk and hence contributed to the lack of memory.

just aside, I have found that alcohol is very often associate d with sexual abuse/incest.i worked with non practicing alcoholics almost exclusively for 10 years and in that time 90% of the women in AA also had sexual abuse histories.

she came to me at 28 years of age and still had no memories even after is pointed out the aspects in her chart.

it was "funny" because though she never remembered any abuse, she did not disregard the possibility . one reason was that many people had noted throughout her life , a "strange" connection between her and her father.
and she actually researched nessus which has become a signature symbol for abuse and found that nessus was conjunct her sun.

interestingly previous to the time I met her, her father had recently told her top get a life.....that is she was at his house all the time and her father's girl friend did not like her around him.

I'd say tragically, after her father broke up with his girl friend, she started getting drunk with him again and staying over night at his house.



incest in infancy are the most difficult cases to deal with .
but also the most destructive to the personality, as in your situation, because the negative feelings don't seem to have a rational source.

the biggest problem comes with relationships. very often because of the displaced sense of love, relationships become very difficult in one later life because ,very often one becomes involved with abusers because one has a blind spot for these types of men.


I would suggest finding a counselor who specializes on abuse victim psychology.
a counselor may be able to elucidate what aspects of your personality reflect abusive experiences.

I also wonder if you have had autoimmune diseases, because this is very typical of abuse survivors whether conscious or not.

I realize I might have opened a can or "worms" butfeel free to contact me if you have any ideas of questions.

rahu
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  #17  
Unread 11-07-2018, 12:25 AM
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

as these transits have impinged on your emotional feeling now, i looked back to see the last time these transits acted exactly.this period is in march 2000. that is the transits are the same now as then. i would think that there would be a significant emotional experiences as the transits affected you now. but blocked memory is also possible.
rahu
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Unread 11-07-2018, 10:48 AM
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

hi AbbyE,

Astrology is an art, and interpretation is always subjective. The person who does the reading can't help using their own theories, psychology and life experiences to make sense of the symbols. Rahu seems very convinced of his analysis of your chart, but the fact remains that symbols are not fixed in meaning, that is, an aspect between planets, their placements, etc, can manifest in several ways.

There are lots of possible reasons why your father could have committed suicide. I was also eight years old when mine killed himself. And he was not the abuser in the family. My mother was. Abuse doesn't have to be sexual to go deep. And sometimes, we inherit the traumas of our family members. For example https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...herited-trauma or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%A1ria_T%C3%B6r%C3%B6k#The_crypt_and_the_phant om

I know how seductive the idea is to find someone who can answer our questions about ourselves. Especially when we are amidst so much darkness. But whenever you adopt somebody else's take on who you are and/or what happened to you, you just swap one screen with another. Even if there is some truth in their theory, accepting it will block you from discovering your own truth for yourself.
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Last edited by Therese; 11-07-2018 at 10:56 AM.
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Unread 11-07-2018, 08:03 PM
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therese View Post
hi AbbyE,

Astrology is an art, and interpretation is always subjective. The person who does the reading can't help using their own theories, psychology and life experiences to make sense of the symbols. Rahu seems very convinced of his analysis of your chart, but the fact remains that symbols are not fixed in meaning, that is, an aspect between planets, their placements, etc, can manifest in several ways.

There are lots of possible reasons why your father could have committed suicide. I was also eight years old when mine killed himself. And he was not the abuser in the family. My mother was. Abuse doesn't have to be sexual to go deep. And sometimes, we inherit the traumas of our family members. For example https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...herited-trauma or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%A1ria_T%C3%B6r%C3%B6k#The_crypt_and_the_phant om

I know how seductive the idea is to find someone who can answer our questions about ourselves.

Especially when we are amidst so much darkness. But whenever you adopt somebody else's take on who you are and/or what happened to you, you just swap one screen with another. Even if there is some truth in their theory, accepting it will block you from discovering your own truth for yourself.
a psudo astrologer always has to denigrate other astrologers to "prove" their worth. and the pseudo astrologer has nothing to add to the posters question except to flame the initial astrologer. if you are so gifted why don't you add something instead of just being a "hater"

and of course the poster is always native and ignorant of their own experiences....

"I know how seductive the idea is to find someone who can answer our questions about ourselves."

if you weren't so stuck up ,you might see that the dates I gave, which were empirical , were collaborated by the poster. I did not "suggest" or "seduce" anything to her expect that these dates would correlate with her bad emotional feelings. and they did.....
actually i was quite anxious to write such a specific response, because it could be rejected .

she spoke up and said these dates did correlate to her dark feelings. so if you continue to try to trash me, I suggest you find a valid reason, instead of personal jealousy.

learn to predict events instead of hiding behind astrological philosophy.

as to the author of the link you posted, mark matousek: he seems to be a spiritualist.
"After working with Sogyal Rimpoche on The Tibetan Book of Living and dying, Mark published his first book, Sex Death Enlightenment, which became an international bestseller nominated for two Books for a Better Life Awards. He co-wrote Ram Dass’s book, Still Here, and published his second memoir,"

claiming validity because he wrote baba ram dass's book is also suspect as baba ram dass,aka richard alpert, ,and timothy leary both got the LSD they used at Harvard from the CIA.talk about mind control.

as fore the link you provided, they are nothing but one writers spiritual personal attitude ,there is nothing empirical in those articles at all.
rahu

Last edited by rahu; 11-07-2018 at 11:05 PM.
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Unread 11-08-2018, 06:04 AM
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Rahu,

I don't get your rage. What I said was nothing personal. Abby is a newcomer on this forum, and I was worried that because certain things are said with such certainty, she would rely too much on information that comes from the outside and not from within. Why do you take that as an attack against you?



Quote:
Originally Posted by rahu View Post
a psudo astrologer always has to denigrate other astrologers to "prove" their worth. and the pseudo astrologer has nothing to add to the posters question except to flame the initial astrologer. if you are so gifted why don't you add something instead of just being a "hater"

and of course the poster is always native and ignorant of their own experiences....

"I know how seductive the idea is to find someone who can answer our questions about ourselves."

if you weren't so stuck up ,you might see that the dates I gave, which were empirical , were collaborated by the poster. I did not "suggest" or "seduce" anything to her expect that these dates would correlate with her bad emotional feelings. and they did.....
actually i was quite anxious to write such a specific response, because it could be rejected .

she spoke up and said these dates did correlate to her dark feelings. so if you continue to try to trash me, I suggest you find a valid reason, instead of personal jealousy.

learn to predict events instead of hiding behind astrological philosophy.

as to the author of the link you posted, mark matousek: he seems to be a spiritualist.
"After working with Sogyal Rimpoche on The Tibetan Book of Living and dying, Mark published his first book, Sex Death Enlightenment, which became an international bestseller nominated for two Books for a Better Life Awards. He co-wrote Ram Dass’s book, Still Here, and published his second memoir,"

claiming validity because he wrote baba ram dass's book is also suspect as baba ram dass,aka richard alpert, ,and timothy leary both got the LSD they used at Harvard from the CIA.talk about mind control.

as fore the link you provided, they are nothing but one writers spiritual personal attitude ,there is nothing empirical in those articles at all.
rahu
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Unread 11-08-2018, 09:55 AM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

Sorry for the late reply. Thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts, I do appreciate the different responses. There's a few things I'd like to say regarding the above -



First, as someone mentioned above, I'm mindful of the fact that my mind has a tendency to go to dark places. I don't want to find dark intent where there is none, and particularly at the moment, it tends to do that. So that's something to keep in mind.


Therese - I also appreciate your input as I do think it's important to remember astrology is based on potentials rather than absolutes. It's good to have this balance in opinion, I also don't want to 'take on' an idea for the reasons you describe.


Rahu - in terms of my father, in all honesty, he is the last person I would ever suspect of abuse. I say this for a number of reasons, which is why I was wondering what it was that showed that as the only obvious possibility in the chart. My dad was plagued by mental ill health from around age 21. He had periods of clinical depression, on average once every 2 years, where he would be bedbound. In between those periods, he worked very hard and was a very good father. I don't remember a lot about him, but all my memories of him are positive. He also suffered from what my mum and his psychiatrist believed, were intrusive thoughts and obsessions (the same as me). He had a huge conscience and, like me, would tend to worry about things excessively. Statistically, people with these types of fears are actually the least likely to be abusive. I never felt anything 'bad' from him, he never smoked or drank, he worked hard and he loved all of his children immensely. He was just plagued by dark thoughts.


There are a couple of things that suggest that abuse from others is a possibility - thoughts I had as a child, feeling uncomfortable later on when getting attention from men etc. But my dad - I just can't see it being a possibility. However, my childhood was pretty happy, it was when my dad died that that feeling of 'being unsafe' became magnified. Then we moved a lot and life was pretty unstable from there.



To be honest, if abuse did occur from another male, I believe it wouldn't have been severe. I've always been very sensitive and will 'pick up' and absorb things easily. However, I don't rule it out as I think it's certainly a possibility from another male.



It's also important to remember that I have been medicated with various drugs from age 16. It was then that I had my first serious breakdown, and was likely influenced by being chemically messed up. There's loads of new evidence coming out suggesting how severely these drugs can damage your brain and nervous system. The periods you describe were in line with severe symptoms, although they also correlated to reducing dosages in medication, so I don't know. I don't have any autoimmune disorders, just some digestive health issues from years of meds/poor diet etc.



I guess it's hard because, while there may be signs of abuse in the chart, the influence of Scorpio/pluto energies would suggest a tendency to 'delve into darkness' or paranoia. The question might be which is more likely?



I've had some dark experiences throughout my life, darker than most people will probably have to face. But I've also had some incredible experiences, especially when I 'found' spirituality. It was these dark experiences that lead me to it, and to the potentials of unconditional love, compassion, and peace. I feel as though I've swung between two opposite ends of the spectrum, feeling extreme light and dark.



Also, it's worth noting that it's very common for people with this kind of OCD to want to find a 'root cause', and evidence suggests there isn't one. It's usually a combination of biological and environmental factors, predisposition, sensitivity, stress etc. I was always going to have overthinking tendencies, with a risk of dark obsessional fears. I also wonder how this would relate to all the people with sexually related OCD fears - they're very common, but there is no correlation between them and real life abusive experiences in childhood. It's usually more related to a sense of hyper-responsibility that just goes out of control.



I'm really grateful for all the responses, I didn't expect it. I'm currently seeing a Somatic Experiencing therapist, and she has explained how memories of abuse (if they are in the subconscious or stored in the system) do not need to be made conscious in order to be resolved. They can arise within the nervous system and be experienced to completion without the actual memory coming up. So this is good in that, if there is something I don't remember, it can still be addressed.

Last edited by AbbyE; 11-08-2018 at 09:59 AM.
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Unread 11-08-2018, 02:17 PM
AbbyE AbbyE is offline
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It's also worth mentioning that there has been abuse suffered by other family members - two of my brothers, one by a neighbour and one by his father (my former step father). As a sensitive person, is it possible to 'feel' some effects of abuse without it actually happening to you? Because this would make a lot of sense.
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  #23  
Unread 11-08-2018, 05:19 PM
kshantaram kshantaram is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

[QUOTE=kshantaram;925604]
hope information offers clues to pick-reflect-adapt-integrate;
do share how true-insightful-prospective, traits-talents-health-events etc etc



scorpio asc the dark pit, magnetic personality, research-occult aptitudes,
secretive, suspicious, sentimental, sarcastic, passionate;

asc lord mars over own aries 5th, technical aptitudes,
temperamental, impacting romance-relationship; action oriented, impulsive;


cancer-moon inimical for scorpio asc,
5th lord jup elevated cancer 9th,
stress-delays in luck-edu-father-husband, travels, spirituality;
and in romance-children-position;
prone to heart-lungs-liver-thigh health issues;

jup trine aspect scorpio asc, protective of overall health;
and trine own pisces 5th, supportive of luck-edu-positon etc
though under stress-delays; sat aspect pisces 5th moreover;
do not wear yellow sapphire over finger;

jup-sat opp, jup debilated aspect cap-sat 3rd,
misjudgments-missed opportunities to avoid in matters of
education-siblings-spirituality-employment-health etc etc
observe fast sat evenings taking milk-fruits or as per custom;

sat now 2.5yrs transit natal sat cap 3rd opp jup;
time to take major critical decisions of life;
sat 3rd good for initiative and progress in general,
but prone to misjudgments-missed opportunities the jup-sat opp;

sat cap retro towards sag 2nd, tending to earnings in distant lands;
sat sag-sun gemini opp, stress in family-finances-health;
sat sag philosophical aptitudes, law-justice;

sun gemini 8th, analytical, business analyst-research,
good at information processing, but confused at decision making;
sun 8th able to cope with adversities in life;

sun lord 10th over 8th, career issues;
prone to chest-lung-heart-stomach-urological health issues;

inimical moon over virgo 1oth,
stress-delays in career-recognition-popularity;
virgo critical thinking/attitude,
good for audit-quality control-editorial-govt roles;
prone to intestinal-hip-knee health issues;

venus own taurus 7th, growth-riches through artistic aptitudes,
hotel management, mer-venus literary-oratory-astro aptitudes;
mer lord 11th over 7th, gains through spouse-business partners;


lords 1/7 mars-venus over aries-taurus 2/12,
relationship by mere attractions to care;
mars debilated aspect over cancer-jup 9th for luck-edu etc;
prayers to saint of your faith,
offer yellow flowers Mon evenings at alter at home;

ketu separative SNode leo 9th,
high self-pride and sensitive, distant lands, distancing from father;
pain-injury-surgery heart-stomach-knees etc
prayers to Christ, offer red flowers sun mornings;

rahu acq 3rd, generally good for initiative-progress, reformist;
prone to high risk taking;
wear brown hessonite over pendant touching heart;

rahu-ketu now overlapping transits over leo-acq;
rahu 9th tending to foreign travels-pilgrimage;
ketu transit 3rd accident prone, pain-injury-surgery,
detachment from siblings etc;

jup now year ahead transit own sag 2nd, good for family-fin-edu-advisory roles;
trine aries-mars 6th, supportive of health and employment prospects;
trine leo 9th supportive of luck-edu-travels etc;
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Unread 11-08-2018, 06:37 PM
rahu rahu is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

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Originally Posted by AbbyE View Post
It's also worth mentioning that there has been abuse suffered by other family members - two of my brothers, one by a neighbour and one by his father (my former step father). As a sensitive person, is it possible to 'feel' some effects of abuse without it actually happening to you? Because this would make a lot of sense.
as therese mentioned abuse comes in many forms and all ,sexual,emotional or physical can be just as devastating as any other.

Sigmund Freud, very early in his professional career wrote a letter in which he said 38% of the case he saw were based on sexual abuse..this was in about 1900. he also reported that the psychiatric establishment of the day warned him not to publish this or his professional career would be terminated. as a consequence as late as 1970 the psychiatric establishments formal position was the sexual abuse accounted for 3% of cases, though they have raise the figure since then.

as i am not a trained sexual therapist, i can't comment on whether one can feel the affects of abuse with out being abused. but i can surmise that if you had not experienced sexual abuse ,you would not have been medicated since you were 16...... something real must have occurred that necessitates you consciousness to block it out.

also with abuse all around you in your family environment, the chances that you were immune are small. as i mentioned your chart has several aspects that indicate sexual use.... not just one.

staying with my devils advocate position, it is a well known psychological phenomena that kidnapping victims will sometimes fall in "love" with the abductor. the individual psyche must survive so the fear of being kidnaped can turn into a feeling of love of the abductor for sanity to sustain it self.

hence ,from my viewpoint, you love of your father could be such a situation.

after self therapy while taking abnormal psych classes a realized that i had several personality traits i had were consistent with sexual abuse in childhood.

i clearly knew this related to an uncle and my older brother. but when i finally got the nerve to broach the subject with my mother, she said if any one molested me ,i was my father(then deceased). this was totally unexpected and he would be the last person i would think of. so i have to keep this in the back of my consciousness, but at he fore front,i know my mother is protecting her brother(now deceased) and my brother. i am sure she is lying because she has blatantly lied to me about so many other situations involving my brother.

forgive my digression....

anyways....these demons can be exorcised by therapy. actually just talking about your feeling to another person will help you get past these experience regardless of the type of therapy.


keep in mind that since Freud's time mental health professionals have downplayed the centrality of sexual abuse in our culture.
when freud's letter was published in the 1980s, the psychiatric establishment invented the concept of false memories to rebut freuds conclusions. false memories have become the standard psychiatric treatment for repressed abuse. but false memory theory is absolutely a fraud. there is absolutely no statistical evidence that false memories are real.there is no clinical evidence false memory theory are true. false memory theories were created to countered the fact that sexual abuse is endemic in our society.

Also, it's worth noting that it's very common for people with this kind of OCD to want to find a 'root cause', and evidence suggests there isn't one. It's usually a combination of biological and environmental factors, predisposition, sensitivity, stress etc

to me this is more false memory rhetoric because the psychological establishment does not want to divulge the extent that sexual abuse pervades our culture.

just look at the newspapers over the last few years... sexual abuse is being uncovered in Hollywood , in government ,in military, in schools ,in the workplace etc,ect. this is the true situation.

the notion that it is all in your head is destructive to realizing the truth about yourself.

anyway, keep fighting to regain your sense of self.

the only symptom of abuse you haven't commented on is if you have had auto immune disorders. not referring to you, but 95% of anorexic/bulimic people have been severally abused

love
rahu
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Unread 11-08-2018, 07:15 PM
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ardentika ardentika is offline
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Re: Looking for insight - Obsessional fears and scary thoughts

I went through the same thing. It's a Scorpionic spiritual awakening. You just gotta hang in there and try to force yourself into believing something positive. Make this excersize - for each negative thought you have, find at least 5 things you are greatfull for. This excersize changed my life.. so simple.
Also try to let go of the fear and accept everything you are afraid of. The more you fear something the more you go there. Maybe you should start a spiritual journey again? It's a constant work and it never stops, it just gets easier if you learn the lessons.

Also perhaps you are starting to feel your Saturn return. It's a maturing process, you just really have to hang in there and try to work with Saturn instead of against him. Humility and acceptance really help a lot...
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