Grand Fixed Cross Grand Fire Trine want to die

I don't enjoy living. Afraid I will be reborn though. A man approached me this year claiming to be a Zen master I went to his house and he showed me all the artifacts different monasteries and monks have given him and told me his life story. He said I had the most beautiful spirit he had ever felt and that I was a gem/jewel and that he was honored to meet me. But then he told me he does not wish to see me anymore and that he wants to live the remainder of his life free of attachments and to never contact him. That experience has brought me lots of confusion and pain. I think about it daily. Last december I quit my job because I had given up on life. My job was metal sculpting.Instead of being homeless my friend left town the next day and I had his apartment for a while. I used to steal lots and lots of food from corporations because I could fill up baskets with food and walk out multiple times a day and nothing would happen. I used to skip the majority of school because I'd always get away with it. As a minor I'd sneak out and have my girl friend stay the night because I couldn't get caught for anything. I used to surf huge waves because I liked coming close to death. I'd race the most dangerous mountain road in my town because I liked that if I crashed I'd die. I would bomb hills on my skate because of the addrenline. I wandered in the forest all day with no food water or phone wandering if it was even possible for me to die. I ended up wandering into a monestary where I was invited to live at and was treated like a king. I was given the name great light mountain of Buddha. At the monestary I saw a ghost. It went right up to me and we stared at each other for some time before I said I'm going to sleep. I like to be cold and feel how my consciousness shifts from my body dealing with it. I like to starve myself for days to feel the difference in my body and energy. I went to Africa with a one way ticket and no money. Ended up living with millionaires there partying. Now I'm living in new york because I was invited to live here and I am mooching. I have a thousand reasons my life is blizzare. I really don't enjoy living though. I would only be content if I had 2 girlfriends who I could lay with 24 7 but they would both have to be geniuses and know at least 3 languages have green eyes and straight hair as that is my standard for women.

Insert this data into astro.com
Birthtime 12:37 am.
Birthdate August 3rd 1999
Birthplace Gosford nsw Australia (it's actually Copacabana but it's a village too small next to gosford I include this because I am brought to be born there)

Please explain why I want to die and why the Zen master said what he said. I tried making an account with imgur but it decided to be dificult. I didnt people read any of the random **** I let off my chest to try and create a picture for you guys. I wanted it to be clear I'm not a loser and at 18 have lived. Also I left Australia at 8 years old for Santa Cruz California.while I constantly check my phone for replys tomorrow and so on I'll be here fantasizing about starving myself to death in paradise or being torn apart by blades into a hundred cuts while questioning what area my consciousness would take up at that point

Given your age and without a degree in any field I am curious as to how you managed extensive travel expenses and immediate living expenses upon arrival at various locations. Because of your age (and frequent moving) you have not had time to form long or deep attachments to people (it seems likely relationships were only months long at best) or find out that what they may have told you about themselves is really true (Zen Master?).

The placements highlighted in the attached chart may explain your thoughts about death.

Your narrative about your lifestyle has led me to a conclusion which I will not elaborate on.

Update at 4:47 EDT

If you are in New York City transit Saturn is on your IC right now.

Maybe that "zen master" had his own reasons. It might had been plain selfishness in his part. Sounds like it. Don't think about it too much. Some humans..like myself.. has this habbit to get caught to things and what someone ment when he/she said this and that. You grow over it in time. I believe it was hard and confusing experience for you but it was not about you. It was about his incompetence or lack as a person not to explain his decision to you the way that is not hurtful.



Don't seek death. Your behaviour sound like you are profoundly depressed. Is it possible for you to seek therapy? Don't waste your youth and adulthood to wandering around in pain. Its up to you to take care of yourself. All the best.

Please get help outside the Forum

mountain,

This is NOT a suicide counseling station, it does not pretend to be, it does not have the right people, it is not staffed appropriately, it simply doesn't have the ability to give you the help you need. For that reason, the sooner you look AWAY from this forum, the sooner you can look for help in an area where people are going to give you the help you need.

But it CAN point you in the right direction. Our Forum members suggest going to these sites:
http://www.suicideprevention.ca/in-c...about-suicide/
http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/fin...onal-wellness/
http://www.suicideforum.com/
http://www.takethislife.com/suicide-forums/
http://d2lrevolution.com/no-suicide-...FWLHtAodQx4AKw

In accordance with Forum rules, I'm locking this thread down against further postings.

Locking down,

Tim