I am so sorry for your emotional pain.
May I ask how you discovered this abuse? Of the first two charts, please clarify which chart is which. Could you also please post your father's chart separately? If you don't know his birth time, just input it as "unknown," so we don't end up with bogus houses.
Thank you waybread <3
Well I always had the feeling that something bad happened in my childhood but I never got into it. In September I had a pretty nasty emotional breakdown (I used to have 1 or 2 per month) and started to think I had been raped as a kid, I thought it was just my mind making it up, I looked at the symptoms of childhood sexual abuse and I had all of them but still thought I had made it up.
In March I had a dream of a man talking to me and coming towards me, I was 4 years old in that dream, he talked about karma and running away from my past and he clearly was sexual towards me, I ended up in another dimension full of red geometrical shapes (which I believe represented the root chakra) and I thought I was going nuts because it didn’t feel like a dream at all, when I woke up I was completely terrified, I looked at myself in the mirror but I didn’t see myself, it was like looking to a stranger.
So I went to therapy the days after and the memory came out, I had my eyes closed when the abuse happened so I don’t have a concrete image of how it happened which made it hard for me to believe it actually happened, but I relived the experience on an energetic and physical level, emotionally it was too much so I couldn't get deeper into that.
Right after that session I literally felt I had freed myself of a huge weight, I could physically feel it and energy waves started moving through my body, a lot of images of my life started to come into my mind non-stop, moments in which that event had shown up unconsciously in my life through my behaviour and way of feeling towards myself and life in general so I finally began to fit the pieces together as I had always had the permanent feeling that something in me was dead and missing, also my masculine energy was totally repressed so I never felt rooted, which made it very difficult to feel I belonged anywhere.
I haven’t had any more emotional breakdowns since then, I guess those breakdowns were that memory trying to come out, I still have low days but now I understand why I felt the way I did and that it was necessary for me to live that experience so I can get in touch with my true power. The weird thing is that I don’t feel any anger or disgust towards my father, I did at the beginning for a couple of weeks but I had an ego death experience after that and I've felt gratitude and a really deep sense of understanding towards him since then, I don’t know if that’s because I don’t want to face that pain or because I’m really seeing the bigger picture though.
My therapist told me I’m giving birth to myself but I don’t get what that means yet, he wouldn’t go into any more details but he repeated many times that what happened to me is a blessing from a spiritual perspective, and I got to feel that really deep down too, even though I was feeling pretty shocked at the same time, so I’m still trying to integrate all this and see it from my heart and not from my ego.
Sorry for the long response, I hope you don’t mind—it’s kind of therapeutic for me to put what I’ve experienced into words
I’ve attached my father’s natal to the original post and edited the pictures so you can see which chart is which. I don’t know his birth time, I’m seeing my grandmother on Sunday so I’ll ask her.
Thank you <3