https://m.imgur.com/nXq3dxt
Throughout my life I feel like I’ve been getting “punished” for trying to seek close connection and general approval from people. It of course starts with my parents- my mother constantly acted bored in any intellectual or deep conversation with me, rather wanting to spend time nagging me about practical matters- even a nice car ride turns into her lecturing me. That seems to be her passion in life. So now I get bored whenever people in general try to tell me what to do- it feels disrespectful and like they’re trying to be my mother. And it makes me feel like I’m some dumb child with stupid ideas- and instead should be following what other people are telling me to do.
Or my father whose relationship with me is even worse, maybe. He was always an intellectual bully. I felt like I existed as a vessel for his ideas and opinions, simply I was only allowed to nod along with whatever he said, and if I disagreed he would fiercely put down my words. And someone my brain freezes and doesn’t know how to combat what he says in return with a logical/rationally based argument. He is not the only people who has treated me like this- it’s happened plenty of times when I’ve been “put in my place” verbally by another person- stranger or not. Even socially humiliated.
I don’t really get it because my chart is screaming about relationships given the 7th house. I feel like people, throughout my life, have made me miserable to the point where I try to escape. Or the opposite happens- I get along GREAT with a person (usually bright, lively, and take me seriously type folks) and then they become cold and start to avoid me or want to spend time with other folks- which really hurts me deeply. Or it could be both- some folks in my life are jeckyl and Hyde- nice one day and then make me regret spending time with them or opening up to them the next.
The only time I’ve been treated “well” by people is when I’m acting resentful and angry, and I passive aggressively take it out on them. At that point- I stop caring about what other people think of me. Those people suddenly try to “help” me and feed me positive words which also annoys me when I just want my anger validated.
The other time I’m treated well is when I literally completely close myself off emotionally from other people, and allow them to act or say whatever they want without getting deeply involved. I nod along out of duty and not because I actually care. Of course, then I get tired of those people and want to spend less time with them, but they try to butt their way into my life.
It feels like constant war with occasional moments of happiness, and the peace particularly comes when I limit my personal joy around people. the happiness is what keeps me in this cycle.
Given my north node, I have no idea what I’m destined to do- whether I’m supposed to be miserable and constantly at war. Whether I’m ever going to get to the point where I find happiness- whether it’s with myself or other people. I’m at the point where I’m exhausted and misanthropic- very little care in the world for other people’s issues, and a desire to be left alone and get involved with escapism.
Throughout my life I feel like I’ve been getting “punished” for trying to seek close connection and general approval from people. It of course starts with my parents- my mother constantly acted bored in any intellectual or deep conversation with me, rather wanting to spend time nagging me about practical matters- even a nice car ride turns into her lecturing me. That seems to be her passion in life. So now I get bored whenever people in general try to tell me what to do- it feels disrespectful and like they’re trying to be my mother. And it makes me feel like I’m some dumb child with stupid ideas- and instead should be following what other people are telling me to do.
Or my father whose relationship with me is even worse, maybe. He was always an intellectual bully. I felt like I existed as a vessel for his ideas and opinions, simply I was only allowed to nod along with whatever he said, and if I disagreed he would fiercely put down my words. And someone my brain freezes and doesn’t know how to combat what he says in return with a logical/rationally based argument. He is not the only people who has treated me like this- it’s happened plenty of times when I’ve been “put in my place” verbally by another person- stranger or not. Even socially humiliated.
I don’t really get it because my chart is screaming about relationships given the 7th house. I feel like people, throughout my life, have made me miserable to the point where I try to escape. Or the opposite happens- I get along GREAT with a person (usually bright, lively, and take me seriously type folks) and then they become cold and start to avoid me or want to spend time with other folks- which really hurts me deeply. Or it could be both- some folks in my life are jeckyl and Hyde- nice one day and then make me regret spending time with them or opening up to them the next.
The only time I’ve been treated “well” by people is when I’m acting resentful and angry, and I passive aggressively take it out on them. At that point- I stop caring about what other people think of me. Those people suddenly try to “help” me and feed me positive words which also annoys me when I just want my anger validated.
The other time I’m treated well is when I literally completely close myself off emotionally from other people, and allow them to act or say whatever they want without getting deeply involved. I nod along out of duty and not because I actually care. Of course, then I get tired of those people and want to spend less time with them, but they try to butt their way into my life.
It feels like constant war with occasional moments of happiness, and the peace particularly comes when I limit my personal joy around people. the happiness is what keeps me in this cycle.
Given my north node, I have no idea what I’m destined to do- whether I’m supposed to be miserable and constantly at war. Whether I’m ever going to get to the point where I find happiness- whether it’s with myself or other people. I’m at the point where I’m exhausted and misanthropic- very little care in the world for other people’s issues, and a desire to be left alone and get involved with escapism.
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