Relationship Karma and Past Life Suicide

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I read something about Saturn square ascendant once. It said this aspect indicates death by suicide...and I have this aspect!

In a past life, I may have committed suicide. In this one, I struggled with depression.

There is also significant relationship karma in my past. An asteroid called Zeus (don't know much about it) in my chart aspects my mother's natal Sun and so we met in a previous life, through a conflict.

When I read that, I was surprised, but relieved to know why we never got along! My mother and I have always had conflict between us (as well as a curious opposition between our Suns, Moons AND Venuses), and the first thing that came to mind when I found out was that we had been samurai in Japan, or something, two warriors in training who got carried away and really did fight...

All I know for sure is: The karmic debt between us is going to be very hard to repay.

My dad and I seem to have a happier karmic past. His Neptune is conjunct my Chiron in Scorpio, within a degree, and Magi Astrology says this is a strong link, the "Marriage Link" in fact. This specifically I immediately saw in my mind's eye:

We were actually married in a past life, in the country or on the prairie. I saw a lot of grass and flat land. One day there was a fire and the log house burned down. That's all I could get from it.

Anyway, these past life links to astrology really make sense!! It's very interesting too.

PD187540 said:

In addition, I have the absolute worst luck at dating and relationships. I can never seem to form a long-term partnership because I "come on too strong" and feel very deeply, which scares a lot of people away. That's the main reason. Other times, people would give the most ludicrous and irrational excuses not to pursue me after the first date (which usually goes very well!), most likely because they feel so insecure about themselves when they come into contact with my energy. Every time I get rejected or tossed aside for no logical reason, I then lash out at them with most hateful and hurtful words nobody has ever heard someone say to them before. I do that in order to give a "crushing blow"...to make believe that they're dead to me so I can move on.

Because of these irrational excuses people tend to give, I'm really beginning to think that these failed dating attempts are karmic in nature, due to a past life of committing suicide.

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Based on looking at your chart, I think these relationship issues are all about your current life. Maybe there are also karmic elements involved, but that may be a subject for another post, since what I have to say here could be lengthy....

I have a similar chart to yours in some ways: I also have Capricorn rising, the sun, Venus, and Mercury in the eighth house, Neptune in Sag (for me, Neptune is in the eleventh house instead of the twelfth, but it's near the twelfth house cusp and conjuncts the moon, which is in the twelfth), and where you have a square between the sun and Neptune, I have a direct square between the sun and the nodes. And, like you, Saturn, the ruler of Capricorn and ruler of us Cap risings' charts, is the only planet I have in a water sign.

In a thread I posted about Saturn in my chart, someone told me this, and it could easily apply to you, too:

Saturn is where we feel our separateness from life most acutely, but this separateness is really a figment of the imagination, and Saturn's ultimate purpose is to show us the futility of trying to compensate for this sense of separateness. Since you have Capricorn rising, the Saturnian process (of realising the futility of seeking worldly compensations for an illusory sense of separateness) has great bearing on your ability to emerge spontaneously into life moment by moment. The way that you engage with the world around you will be inhibited by Saturn problems (such as self-doubt, frustration and over-compensatory ambitions an cynicism) to the extent that you still believe yourself to be separate from life, and thus inherently insufficient.

Looking more closely at Saturn's placement in your chart, it is the only planet in a water sign. So the sense of separateness arises on the level of feeling. The process described above will draw you into water-type insecurities. You won't necessarily be especially aware of these insecurities, because the fire earth emphasis in your chart confers on you the luxury of generally avoiding the fact that feeling intimacy is very important to you deep down. But they are there waiting to be looked at.

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Only difference here is, you have more of an air sign and perhaps slightly less of an earth emphasis than I do, but we both have fire emphasized, and we both have fire sign grand trines. Yours links the moon, Neptune, and your Venus/Mars conjunction. Since you have Mars and Aries involved in your trine, plus the very independent Capricorn rising and Saturn conjunct the MC, it's no wonder that you come on strong, and no wonder that you have a very fiery and militant way of reacting and covering up your emotions. (I tend to coldly withdraw instead when I feel hurt by someone, maybe a difference in our Saturn placements--mine is in the seventh house, in Cancer.)

Furthermore, Scorpio is well known for its sting. You have Saturn in Scorpio plus a significant concentration, including your sun, in the eighth house, which would give you some very Scorpio-like characteristics even if your chart's Scorpio were empty. And compounding that further, your Scorpio Saturn is conjunct your Libra Pluto... Libra, relationships; Pluto, ruler of Scorpio! Your description of lashing out at exes with horrible, hateful words fits the picture perfectly.

Having Cancer descending indicates lots of feeling in the realm of relationships, and a need for a sensitive and nurturing partner. The sun in Libra indicates a core personality's need to seek balance and harmony in everything, including but not limited to human relationships... and this need comes, paradoxically, from not having enough balance and harmony to feel secure. And your sun is on the cusp of Virgo, so would be somewhat influenced by Virgo's need to develop through being useful to others. Very likely, that results in placing some extra emphasis on the relationships arena of Libra.

It will take another post or two, I think, to explore what this would mean for your karmic growth. Will close for now.

PD187540 said:

Speaking of medical school, I wonder if there's an astrological correlation to that profession in my chart. I think there is. I was a health care major in college back in the early 2000s, then my college messed up a few things that tampered with me finding a suitable job. So after 8 years since I graduated, I'm deciding to fix the mistakes my old college made by doing the sciences over again (the vast majority of them, at least) and pursuing medical school. At this point, I see no other option.

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I'm no expert on vocational astrology, but I find this noteworthy: you didn't say you want to be a doctor, you said you want to go to medical school. For a whole paragraph, you talk about school, but you say nothing about practicing medicine. Even without a birth chart, that raises this question: do you want to practice medicine, or do you want to go to medical school?

Why do you want to go to medical school? When you think about doing it, what do you picture? What benefits do you expect to get from it? What would you like about medical school?

Do you think about actually being a doctor? Do you picture yourself practicing medicine? If so, what do you like about that picture? If not, do you picture anything after medical school, or just medical school?

Based on what I do know of vocational astrology, nothing in your birth chart eliminates the possibility of being a doctor, but it suggests that you are even more strongly oriented to teaching and learning. Your sixth house indicates your approach to work and the kind of working environment you need, second house indicates approach to making money and acquiring resources, and tenth house indicates what would make your reputation, including the career path you can best become known for. I have those house cusps in the same signs as you except for the tenth, where mine is in Libra instead of Scorpio, so you and I match in basic vocational approach....

Gemini on the sixth house cusp indicates talent for communicative sorts of things and a need for a working environment that includes them: speaking, writing, teaching, etc. In my own life, every job that meant anything to me involved at least the teaching and speaking parts, so that holds true. Aquarius on the second house cusp can suggest a need to make money in unusual ways, and a lack of interest in building resources the way you're "supposed to." Making money in and of itself is probably not important to you (and certainly not key for me!). I have an extra emphasis on that unusual ways part because for me, Uranus is conjunct the MC. You have Saturn conjunct it instead, and from the ninth house instead of the tenth, so that's a bit different.

Ninth house has more to do with your approach to education (which can mean formal education or can mean other types of mind expanding experiences) than to career, although there's a good reason that the ninth house runs into the tenth: your education shapes your career. Since your only planetary conjunction with the MC is in the ninth house, that suggests your career could be education and will definitely tie in strongly with education... echoing the sixth house Gemini message.

Having Saturn in that crucial spot gives you a strong drive to succeed, and to achieve at all costs, and likely contributes to your desire to achieve a tangible and widely recognized symbol of that achievement: the medical degree. Furthermore, you have a heavy upper hemisphere emphasis in your chart. Everything except your moon and Chiron is above the horizon. People with upper hemisphere emphasis tend to have a need for their important life passages to be publicly acknowledged. It's not enough to just acquire the knowledge, you need to actually complete the degree, no matter whether or not you actually use it in the future.

PD187540 said:

Don't read into the whole "going to medical school" vs. "wanting to be a doctor" thing. By going to medical school, that implies that I want to practice medicine. I have my own reasons for doing so, which include playing a crucial role in the treatment of others, dealing with objective facts and bringing order to chaos, and unveiling the truth. Those are my needs that I have a strong desire to fulfill in this life.

My top 2 specialties are pathology and psychiatry because they are both extremely investigative. I was initially trained in pathology, since that's my undergraduate degree and I'm more familiar with that branch of medicine. It's more of a "behind the scenes" field that doesn't involve a lot of patient contact (which I don't mind at all, really). Intense lab work, diagnosing various diseases, and the like are just fine with me. Again, I'd be playing a crucial role in the treatment of patients. Pathologists are "the doctor's doctor", really.

If I want to specialize even further in pathology, I would go into forensic medicine (medical examiner). Talk about a variety of cases and investigation galore! It's never a dull moment with that (which actually might appeal to my Gemini 6th House). Rather than see Gemini as teacher, you can also see it as requiring a lot of variety and mental-type tasks in your job (which I absolutely do need). With Uranus ruling my 2nd house, my source of money indicates something "unusual". I think my income predominantly coming from dead bodies is highly unusual and taboo. Then you have the Scorpio MC...Scorpio is all about death. So that's pathology right there....

Psychiatry is another area I'm looking into. Again, that deals with investigation...this time, of the human psyche: bringing events, concepts, etc. into the light in order to effect a cure. Whereas pathology deals with the body, psychiatry is the best counterpart to deal with the mind. Mind and body....there it is. Gemini 6th house (working with the mind), Uranus ruling the 2nd house (dealing with unconventional people, nutjobs, Uranus being the higher octave of Mercury the mind), Scorpio 10th house (investigating, medicine, Pluto in Libra symbolizing transformation on the individual one-on-one level like what happens in therapy). Seems like both pathology and psychiatry are my best medical specialties to pursue. Either way, the central theme for both is to get to the heart of the matter and expose the truth for the greater good (i.e. effective treatment and well-being of the public through service). There it is.

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All of that is also indicated in your chart. Looking over my own post, I realize that I didn't mention research as a distinct possibility. It was in my mind, but I was already being so wordy that I forgot to include it. Research is well indicated by your placements, and it would certainly fulfill those Gemini and Scorpio imperatives. I really appreciate your insights on Uranus and Pluto... it helps me understand my own chart, too. I'm also of the Pluto in Libra generation, and I'd just been trying to figure out what that means for me. Makes lots of sense. And while my Uranus is in Libra, it's at the cusp of Scorpio, so again, we're birth chart siblings!

Of course, wanting to go to medical school implies wanting to be a doctor, but how people phrase that can be an indicator of what matters most to them. If you were all about practicing medicine, you would just see medical school as the stepping stone to get there, and you would probably have said something like, "I'm finally going to medical school, fulfilling my dream of becoming a doctor." That you talked so much about school, and that your chart has so many learning and teaching implications, led me to think you were more about studying than practicing. But medical practice can also be a learning experience, and you do have some healer indicators, too... as you point out!