Sleepless night / spiritual healing

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
A week of slowly staying up later has led to a sleepless night last night. It happens ever so often. Last night was amazing though, I hardly ever write and I have to share it.

It was basically the culmination, from a lead up of various events, that led to the realisation and conclusion of what has been the root of my problems.

Not only do I want to share it because Im still on a high from the experience and about to go to sleep for the evening, but I think what I am about to talk about it actually quite common, and could possibly even help explain even less related problems.

This is because it's the truth, the searching for the answer. This is my interpretation of a now fully understood problem, which can also help explain the truth of human nature.


I better begin.

~

I don't exactly know what to call it though, so I called it the 'removal of shame.' People with depression can probably relate to this the most but everyone has learnt their behaviour from someone and has also felt shame about not doing something.

What I am talking about is slightly different because the shame was not my responsibility for been haven given. That's what abuse is - someone else's problems been given to you in what form the abuse takes.

Like everything that exists, there is a spectrum of in-betweens. Abuse begins with dysfunctional families creating the next dysfunctional generation and so on.

Abuse is just a heightened form of dysfunction. Except its not 'just' anything. Abuse is given its own name because it creates a serious disturbance for a person.


But abuse happens everyday.

~


I have been given a series of clues relating to my own 'removal of shame/abuse/dysfunction.' (SAD)

It started with another, less intense, realisation about removing SAD from my karma, or my shoulders, my mental health.

I read a Lilith article which talked about how Lilith was shamed and to find the power back is to remove the shame from having been removed from the Garden of Eden. After finish reading this article, there was a sensation of lightness in my shoulders and a need to rejoice. There was the removal of SAD.

Even though I knew it was just the beginning, I guess I just accepted that was as intense as what it got. Except last night, it got even more intense.

The lead up to it was I had an extremely stressful week this week, which was full of testosterone of me getting things done. I hadn't been sleeping well so I was short and snappy, although professional and polite until given what I considered to be **** service from some stupid corporation company. Loads of other things happened, but let's just say **** hit the fan but compared to my burying of head in sand of depression, I actually got on with it.

I had found the courage to basically sort my way out of poverty, the funny anecdotes for these will be found later.

Then I had the sleepless night. I began to dwell on I guess what was really bothering me in the back of my mind, when you have time to think. I started to think about my Dad, my Sister. How they are both at different stages of denying their narcissism but also at the same time, two beautifully, charming, scared creatures. Like we all are, that's really why we all make mistakes.

I also watched a movie called Bridge of Spies with Tom Hanks in it. He sacrifices his health to negotiate terms and helps secure the release of two American prisoners of the Cold War. Another clue, that's there's a bigger cause and this patterns happens to everyone, whether they are shamed or not.

~

I saw it each from my families side like I was living it.

Ive thought it before but this was stronger and different. After allowing myself to blame me, them, everyone, I then allowed myself to feel their pain. I began to worry if they would be able to remove theirs, if I could remove mine.

When I saw it from their side, although I could see the love and light side of them, I also saw the desperation it takes to want to torment others because you feel scared. I felt everyone's darkness then allowed me to feel my own.
~

I allowed myself to live my own darkness.

As intense as it was, I went through the pain of what happened to me in the past that I have mental health problems because my family bullied me.

It all started when my Mum died. She had a long illness and started to get ill shortly after I was born, which my Dad told me at 12 years old he blamed me for in an angry burst. He's been resentful ever since, and also absent in general to me and my siblings. It was a small family group of Gran my brother and Sister left.

Gran was a strong but naïve women. Her Mum also died when she was 11, the same age I was when my Mum died. But she said her new stepmum was fine. She adored my sister and missed Mum a lot, her daughter had died.

Is it worse to lose a Mum or a daughter? It may have been worse for her because I was too young at 11 to really take it in, I still needed somebody. My Gran for the first time in her life had to face her shadow once her family was torn apart.

The exact same problem with my Dad, and she blamed me too for Mum getting ill.

My sister began to bully me in the same way Dad did, and at the same time I also understand her fear and we have beneath the surface, still full of love for each other. My brother too, I forgive him for the occasional abuse, which included mild sexual abuse and some physical abuse over the years.

I really shouted back at my Dad in anger eventually and that made me be labelled the bad one even more.

The family has never united. Gran has now passed.

When faced with his shadow, my Dad hid his head in the sand, he was no longer emotionally willing to be a father, and it was either stone coldness or sudden flashes of righteous anger also.


You see how the dysfunction continues and the need to face your shadow?

~


Now if the last release of shame from my shoulders was intense, this one after zero night's sleep was even more intense. I had felt their pain, my pain, forgiven my pain and their pain. I loved them with all my heart and therefore I loved myself for the first time.

The removal of shame/abuse/dysfunction. SAD.

My shoulders were so friggin light man!

Can you begin to imagine the removal of years worth of guilt, loss, love, anger I had internalized.

By this time it was about 6am and I decided I might as well give up on sleep and get up earlier than planned.

I jumped infront of the mirror and just raised my arms in the air because they felt so light and free.

You have to understand the intensity of what I felt that night. I not only thought about their pain but connected to it and it freed me.

At one point, I even recited the Lord's prayer began singing 'rejoice' to myself. So liberating.

~

By this time it was about 6am and I decided to switch on the television and the last channel that was on automatically came on, as per usual. It was a programme I had previously watched whenever it happened to be on, Jackson Galaxy's cat behaviour programme.

All pretty usual so far. Except, it wasn't usual. It was a pretty controversial episode that I hadn't heard of until I watched it then and researched it later and found articles later.

It had become famous in the media before the show started filming because the man of the couple and father to their baby, phone 911 and said their cat had attacked their baby and the family was imprisoned in the bedroom and it was a demon cat.

The couple said the baby pulled on the cat's tail and the cat had scratched the baby on its head. The Dad said his reaction was to kick then then run and hide in the bedroom, and call 911.

- I will provide a link of the episode here - https://youtu.be/br1YKvCeiNk

As I watched the episode, I was still in the same head space where I had been feeling the fear and sadness from my family and me. I was on high alert to still be able to go to that place and feel intensely what the actual truth was.

The guy was jealous of the cat and has been tormenting it or ages. I felt a flash of what happened, he had been tormenting that cat for a long time and it had suddenly started lashing out and trying to defend itself.

I recognized the look in its eyes that was mental illness, and the cat funnily enough was eventually prescribed antidepressants and rehomed.

I can see in the couple's eyes a glint of guilt.

- The couple were acting scared of the cat, and the man said he didn't know when the cat was going to strike next and clenched his fists. He was acing out how he perceived the cat to feel.

- In return they labelled the cat a demon cat and said it was full of anger and you could see it in its eyes

It was all complete projection, just like I had saw how my family's pain felt,

It was being bullied like I had been.

I had to google about it afterwards. So here's a good website that shows some articles and comments from people.

- https://pictures-of-cats.org/?s=lux&x=0&y=0


Well, I was glad Jackson Galaxy managed to rehome the cat and it's now in a hospital sanctuary for someone with his needs and off the antidepressants.

~

What that cat episode did though was verify that its the truth to face your shadow and prevent further pain/abuse.

It also said to me that even animals are just beings that need help too. Just like we all are.

It made me rejoice that little bit more.

~

I then went up town and did some plans I had to organize my living conditions. I went up town with sheer determination. But it was lighter than when I was being determined earlier in the week.

There was no anger. I was just free from the shame.

The significance of what it feels like to have that lifted. I have become lost in telling this story, not quite communicating the how the shame had caused my depression for years and only over the last couple of years of spiritual maturing, did I realize that dysfunctional behaviour causes this sickness. It wasn't my fault any longer, and now I was feeling present of my surrounding and the people took on a calmer tone, and still without any sleep.

~

I thought while waiting at the desk while the man did his work, that the plastic surgery I wanted would have to go. This feeling of light meant it had to be the truth all the way or nothing. What had just happened to me the night before was like a spiritual alchemy where years wasting my life with depression, shame, sadness etc...I had been getting message after message of extreme positive intensity, yet I was calm.

~

I went back home and phoned Sky. Ended up spending an hour on the phone with the guy chatting about his favourite chicken sauce, how I like Subway, problems with my bill of course. We had a great laugh. He said to me this call had made his day and he will be nice to other customers because if a customer is angry towards him then he would then be stressed to the other customer.

It was another sign that what I was feeling was real. It was not intense like before but still calm as I needed to do my to-do list for the day.

He ended up giving me up to £30 off my wifi as an apology for the problems with the service. There was a twin deal going with my phone company where instead of £10 a month its £2 a month for my iPhone. Also, because of the nice rapport we had, if I could reply to the company's competition to tell a joke and give him 10/10 service so he can be in with the chance of winning an ipad or something. I said, You know what, Im gonna make sure you win.


I've not received the text yet but I know just the joke to use as my entry to make sure he wins the comp.

And we hung up, a full hour and a bit on the phone with somebody from your wifi company.

After some food shopping. It was about 6pm now, I had dinner and laid back on the couch. It has been a few weeks without any of my toke, so I decided to have one, as a treat for tonight.

The mind wanders when you're high, or for spiritual purposes refer to it as the 'Neptunian dimension.' I started to wonder what where how and why good and darkness was. Was it God/ consciousness? Energy?

~

Day and Night is an incredible symbol for the good and the dark. The Sun is light, people are afraid of the dark and go to sleep then, in the unknown. The Neptunian Dimension.

What is the darkness? Have the even found it yet in the dark quantity of the universe that is always expanding? Perhaps its the 'black hole' we here so much about...I don't know. We are protected on Earth but darkness seeps in.

It was about then my shoulders started to really vibrate and I was off in a deeper stage of the Neptunian Dimension. It was really cold because I had turned the heating off after getting too warm before, so the shivering would have accounted for that. It is very cold time of year now.

Whatever it was, I experienced a really intense shivering and vibrating. That on top how I was already feeling, then got hit with a cool memory of when I could see everyone's shadow and whats going on with their journey. Its a good state to be in and feeling it tonight was a big intensity of that. Its more like a Pluto dimension, to see underneath.

~

In fact, I'm going to change the name of this thread because it should not be called healing abuse. Ill just call it a Sleepless night and some good ol' spiritual healing. That's it 23:58 now, as if planned to finish typing and go to sleep now. Either I will wake up tomorrow going what the hell have I written, or glad that I spurted this out. If I cant say it to a forum who can I?
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
I had initially written this next post in the forum chat thread, when I realised it was the wrong place for it because I was not actually speaking to anybody but myself and I am not motivated by needing feedback or conversation. I am also reminded of the title of this thread, ‘sleepless night and spiritual healing,’ so this is the perfect place for this post to go - it is 6:15am and I have not been to sleep. I have again reached a moment of blissful healing, after many hours of thinking.

~

For years I have always gotten INFP as my personality type and have assumed the role of a soft-hearted old-romantic, yet it never seemed to fit me exactly and there was always a dissatisfaction with my place in the world, or who I was exactly. It also does not take into account that people from my real-life have a completely different impression of me. I am known by some to be caring, yet I am also known by some as detached and far too independent to be interested in nurturing. I am not known for having close friendships because I am far too independent and capable of getting what I want.

This no doubt comes from my experience with my family not knowing how or where to place me and so I have zero idea of who I actually am but just attempting to squeeze myself into what I think I am expected to be. As a result of not knowing who I am, I detach further and take on characteristics of who I think I am, but it doesn’t describe the whole or actual me.

Having just taken the test again, there is a rare moment of feeling truly myself. The truth is, my motivation is not to connect to others but to reveal the truth. Not knowing and therefore not acting who I truly am has not been to be deceitful. It has been the equivalent of trying to fit myself into a flowery, girly dress that I did not entirely fit.

The emotions of an INFP do seem to fit in some shallow level. I do get moved by things easily. But unlike the majority of people, I do not care for status or power plays and I am not interested in making connections.

I value truth above not hurting someone’s feelings, yet I have learnt to be diplomatic enough to stop myself from being too abrupt. Perhaps it is not so much because I care about hurting their feelings than it is my own need to be valued by others. I can also appear like a bimbo when my mind is anything but lazy. In fact, a lazy appearance on the outside belies a mind that never stops thinking about every possible scenario, thus giving the impression of thoughtlessness on the outside.

I am a logician, a nutty professor, not a romantic overly emotional mediator. I am solitary, eccentric and independent - I am an INTP. No wonder my family literally didn’t know what to do with me, it’s very rare and often misunderstood.

These conclusions have come after another sleepless night, where the shackles of my environment become loose and I have moments of freedom, which others take for granted.

It’s not really about a personality type, although this has really helped in my self-development. It has helped me to realise how many wrong choices I have been making in terms of jobs. I have become so used to feeling uncomfortable in social situahtins and misunderstood by everyone including myself, that it has developed into self-blame and a feeling of always failing or not fitting in.

Some may laugh at the idea of me being logical, yet Einstein shares this personality type. I am not aligning myself in the same category as a genius but rather someone who was misunderstood. But I do definitely fit the archetype of a ‘nutty professor,’ and it should be noted that that archetype does not actually appear logical either.
 
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Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
The above two posts are examples of sleepless nights, resulting in more emotional awareness about myself, which feels spiritual because it is so wonderful and freeing.

To put into context what these posts do, so it can inspire others to do the same, I want to post a quote from Eckhart Tolle, where he is describing the feeling of this spiritual healing feeling that I get. It’s basically mindfulness I think.

Unlike his experience though, which was apparently profound enough to change his life forever, my experiences are coming in bits and pieces: I will realise a profound truth that releases me from my mental chains, then I return back to my old shackles and habits. This is my experience and maybe he wrote it as only happening once to him, so as to fit it into a book, or perhaps he did have one experience which changed him forever, but it’s not working that way for me. The chains are being removed slowly and softly and it is me who puts the chains back on, subconsciously. I think it’s important to show it this way instead of in one, life-changing Hollywood moment.

I am also being attacked by transits and have been for years now because it is happening from Saturn, Pluto, Chiron and Uranus. Not only are they slow moving but just when they are leaving me, some of them have retrograded back. So I am coming from a place of learning during a time of hopelessness, fear and pain. Although I have to also say, it hurts less than it did before. Maybe I don’t care so much, like you begin to make yourself at home and get in survival mode.

30day4z.jpg
 
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SunConjunctUranus

Well-known member
Some may laugh at the idea of me being logical, yet Einstein shares this personality type. I am not aligning myself in the same category as a genius but rather someone who was misunderstood. But I do definitely fit the archetype of a ‘nutty professor,’ and it should be noted that that archetype does not actually appear logical either.

Hi Ukpoohbear

Yes, I feel you too (venus pisc sq plu out here). But are you already have the answer for this "few" thoughts?
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
This quote from ‘personality junkie’ helps explain why I am touched by romantic and feeling things, and which further gives the impression that I am a ‘feeling’ type of person.

“For most INTPs, their Fe is rather naive and childlike. They may, for instance, be easily moved by cheesy romantic comedies or sappy love songs, anything that unconsciously incites their Fe emotions.”
 
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Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
To summarize this thread, and the way I sees it like complaint about life. So, yea go ahead, people are feel better when they vent.

Well, first of all, I do not need anyone's permission to vent. But I will use your statement to explain the purpose of this thread.

I am doing more than 'venting,' I am on a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery.

This thread is not written in a way that is clear because my healing is happening very spontaneously. It can actually be used to help other people eventually but for now it is very much about 'me.' Hopefully in future I can organize what I write here in a way that is clearer for others but for now, it is all about me :D

(Just after writing this I looked at the time and it was 11:11 - as if the world is telling me I am doing exactly what I need to do.)
 
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SunConjunctUranus

Well-known member
This thread is not written in a way that is clear because my healing is happening very spontenously. It can actually be used to help other people eventually but for now it is very much about 'me.' Hopefully in future I can organize what I write here in a way that is clearer for others but for now, it is all about me.

Okay, that's way better than I thought. Hopefully you can transformate this writing into a book. Good luck.

(Btw I become "senior member" because of your thread lmao thank you)
Uranus
 
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Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
Princess Diana interview: https://youtu.be/TdrJClMsh7U

She looked just like my Mum and died about the same time. More to come on this soon, in a week once I have recovered from the flu.

I am writing this at 3:21AM, insomnia again. I’ve stayed up all night to try and fix it but I’m wide awake at this time and feeling better. But I will talk about Princess Diana soon.

I am also reading about ancient warriors and I will explain the reason why in more detail but I have lived many life times as a warrior. It’s hard lined in me but my soul wants peace now.
 
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Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
Where to begin? I decided to write tonight anyway. Let me begin by offering a link to the audiobook of the greatest Japanese warrior who ever lived. In all his battles, the first being at 13, he never lost once. Towards the end of his life he wanted peace and spent his last few moths in a caver writing this book about strategy of war.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKfwRN9rxBk - Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi.

I do not know a great deal about his at this point besides a couple days of internet searching and this audio book which I have started, so we are on the same page if you are new to him too. It resonates with my soul because this life I want peace too, although I have knowledge of past lives where I fought heroically and won. This is why this life I have been given the gift of integrity and honesty and God on my side. When I say God, I mean the Universe and I do not subscribe to any religion but what made the Universe.

I have a few memories. One very distinct one I have received memories of in my dreams, the Neptunian dimension. You can do the same too, I believe everyone can access this type of thought. I do believe some are more open to memories than others but that everyone is required to do the hard work eventually, whether naturally gifted or not. By hard work I mean spiritual healing and shadow work. If you do this work, then you will be given the gift of further access, like I have. But you must surrender your ego and love yourself with integrity and of course, love every other soul as we are all connected.

The main memory I have is of lying down and feeling a tremendous fear of the enemy approaching. I did not understand this to be a past life memory at first and at the moment of my death, the fear loses control and my mind tries to reverse the dream, but of course I cant. I am not a warrior in this life, my soul wants peace, and I could not understand how I could be injured in a way that made me unable to move, but of course this is possible. I was most probably shot when the enemy came.


That's the strongest one but I believe there are other ways to get further access, once you are on the path. For example, I have had vivid dreams or fears since very young that I was being chased and I have always felt a great responsibility to my family this life. I have no doubt I am foolish/brave enough to have sacrificed myself for a cause and battle I was fighting, and did my deeds for the Archangels well.

Last night, I wanted to know more so I used a method I have used previously where I simply ask for signs of significance to come to me. A couple of hours later while reading about warriors in general, I came across the phrase 'used body as a shield for others.' This makes sense that I may not have died in battle every time, but sacrificied myself in some way.

Either way, the image is the greatest one and the rest is coming in fragments, which I should not try to rush. The idea is to bring to the surface thoughts and feelings I have had. There is no doubt I am a warrior from many lives. Except my soul is tired of fighting. It makes sense I would then be born an emotional little infant girl, as if the humour of the Universe to turn the body of a great warrior into a little girl so she could acquire some peace! Now for a real life example of how this is hard lined in me.


A couple of years ago I was having a drink at my best friends house with her boyfriend. Her brother was on his way and asked if he could bring a friend, sure why not she said. Except when ther guy got there he was 35 and 6''4, and a bit of an a-hole. He said he recognized me from a pub and was angry he had bought me a bring and I had just disappeared. He then groped me on my boobs and I was shocked with a delayed reaction and half heartedly slapped him and told him not to do it again. He did it again, this time between my legs. So I got my bag, went to phone my friend to ask to stay at his bit as he lived close and went to the toilet before I left. The guy moved the door open as it was just a wooden swing door for the bathroom and I screamed, at this point my best friend came running through and told him to get out the house. Her brother offered to have him leave and the went on to the street and we watched from the window, it looked like the guy was coming back to start a fight with her brother so her boyfriend ran out and she quickly followed. I then watched from the window as he punched the guy and threw my friend by the hair across the street. In an instant without any regret, I ran out from the apartment block and ran and jumped on his back, he fell to the ground and all I thought to do was not let go of his neck. I think at this point the boyfriend and my friend started to hit him and I didn't let go of his neck, he said thats enough and I whispered in his ear 'youre gonna die an a-hole' and I said 'keep on hitting him,' I was scared and the adrenaline was jumping but then I let go and he got up and started shouting for help, so I ran into the block of flats and calmly phoned the police, and said there is a man with blood on his face asking for help. This was repeated to me in audio tape by the Police. I told them exactly what I did, I put the guy in a chokehold and I said keep on hitting him, I made no mention of seeing my friends because I did not need to say that. My bestfriend did not put anyone up for blame either but her boyfriend tried telling the police I had punched the guy in the face, I did not know this until a year later when it all came to court. It makes sense that me and my bestfriend would fall out over this year events, I guessed later it was because she felt guilty about knowing what her boyfriend had said. I saw her in a pub a few days ago over the Xmas period and she said the reason she started falling out with me was because I had shocked and scared her what I did to that guy. I don't believe this is the real reason, but this is what she said to me. You would think she would be grateful but whatever. Anway, at court my sentence was chucked out because I was a 'victim of sexual assault' and her and her boyfriend got fined and community service. The guy, btw, had ended up killing himself by a heroin overdose a few months after this had all happened, and so was deceased by the time it came to court, which made the proceedings more difficult and the whole event more dramatic. He had young kids but was a repeat offender and very well known to the police for thieving drugs and fighting.


So you see it was hard-wired in me to be a warrior when the time caused for it. It was saving others that had brought that out in me and because I had integrity in the situation, God will have saved me from any harm. This is all for good deeds done in a past life. I am a girl who has never thrown a punch before, Im known for being girly if a bit fiery at moments but very harmless...but I am not really, not when there are bad guys harming me or my friends and that's what I found out from that experience. I expect God will have more guys like him and worse to battle with, as well as the odd ahole thrown in for practice.

But this life I want peace. Just like when Musashi was the undefeated and best warrior of his time, eventually his soul wanted peace and solitude. So that is how I relate to him and I look forwards to discovering more about him. I do not think I was him in a past life btw, but I know I was an ancient warrior of some kind from many lives.


That's all I can write tonight, I have finished my herbal tea and going to smoke the rest of my cigarette and better stop charging the laptop battery. its 4:18AM, I hope sleep soon because Ive been up since last night. I wanted to write in a way that was clearer and also more relateable so others can learn from it, I think my other posts were more about the shadow work. I have more to say about Musashi and his book btw, til next time.
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
OK, I really needed to write this so I remember for myself. I stupidly ended up sleeping all day yesterday and ended up doing the same today, which resulted in hours of REM dreaming. The dreams haven't faded from my memory like how most dreams annoyingly go, but I didn't realize the significance of it until a few hours of being awake and having a chance to go through what happened in the dream. I have woke up today extremely energetic, which I usually put down to being too tired to day anything and then sleeping tons, but after analysing my dream and seeing the significance of it and feeling this warrior energy burning inside of me, I understand the significance.

We live in a boring life this life-time, you know. In previous lives, when the world was still considered in ancient times, then more battles would have needed to have been fought, more weapons were used, unlike how they are illegal today for our safety. Plus sorcery and magic, which I do not participate in this life time, was definitely visible for me to say. I need to describe these events in case I do forget it.

~

So the first event/dream and the longest, was of me living in a city that was invaded by some army, and the people who lived in our city ended up having to live together in such horrible and starving conditions, while being occupied by this army. I got a sense of the suffering and poverty in a birds eye view sense and from seeing it happen in front of me. In the birds eye view sense, I managed to grasp the sheer volume of death and starvation. The landscape would shift to include places and people I remember this lifetime, as if to connect me to why I would know them this life time. I understand that sounds a bit ambivalent, but it's a dream, its difficult to apply it in writing. I was also involved in the dream enough to see it from my own view point, and then I saw myself in amongst it, and the enemy who were guarding us and making sure we didn't revolt.

My job as part of the people who were occupied, was to fight these people at night secretly with a knife. I was very good with a knife, very skilled. There was no event that led to my death in this dream, so I didn't have the fear that leads me to try and go back and fix it. I would see the people in fear and I stalk at night, and I saw myself skilfully and so quickly cut up this guy who for some reason needed to be killed. I felt no guilt because he was simply a soldier of the enemy. But I also remember seeing a little bhoy try to steal something, he was part of the enemy's people, they must haver been hungry too living in this environment or if not an enemy, then I certainly did not know him and he had startled me some what when I caught him stealing some food. I didn't kill him, of course. I didn't feel any guilt about killing adult soldiers, but I would not kill innocent children. This is another reason why I have been given the gift of integrity and honour this life time.

My description does not do justice to the intensity of this dream. There was no sense of me killing out of enjoying it, I simply had it as my duty to kill the enemy who needed to be killed. I was so fast and skilful, it was almost assassin like, but it was too messy to be an execution. I was a fighter.

It is this energy I have woken up with remembering and why I feel so fiery today, not just because of energy I am not using and feeling frustrated because of insomnia but because I remember the intensity of what I believe is an insight to a previous life. I mean, how boring in comparison to the safety of this lifetime!

~

OK, so another dream I remembered seemed at first to be around the same time but it was a different event. You never know, it could have been the same life because I was younger in this memory, but it was just so different from being some skilful man with a knife. In fact, it was a different life, because in this memory, I was a young woman.

I had been taken under the wing of a witch and she had been teaching me stuff. In hindsight, I get the sense I was rather vulnerable because I ended up killing this witch, once I realized she was teaching me black magic or what black magic was. I also owed her a fair amount of money, and she owed me a little bit. Whilst analysing this, I can conclude she had lent me money so I would be indebted to her, as a form of control. But anyway, I decided to kill her by placing a curse on her. I saw the curse, it was tumour shaped and ugly in the sense like that, pure black and dark purple. It was evil. When this curse became apparent to her, I saw her reaction and she quickly turned to counter attack me, but with huge energy and intention, I then did something else to the curse which exploded and imploded it into motion and she was dead in a matter of seconds.

This dream was not as long-lasting or as vivid as the previous one.

In my heart, I feel guilty for killing someone who took me under their wing. But in my head, I feel I did the right thing killing someone who was into that sort of magic, and I can see I am dealing with some consequences in this lifetime for that, but not too much, because I did the right thing.

~

A tiny other story within this vivid dream was the sense of me getting myself into some sort of struggle for my life, where people had to save me. They ended up falling from a great height and dying, while I managed to save myself. This part is probably symbolic and does not seem like a past-life memory, but it certainly adds knowledge to me for this life, like a reason why my family hated me this life. I would be angry too if I had tried to save someone and ended up dying for it. But yeah, I think this part of the dream was symbolic because there wasn't any context for it for me to place anywhere, except a psychological reason why my own family would resent me.

~

Ok, so there is a brief description of my amazing dream. I haven't had such a long-lasting REM dream as that one, although sleeping all day for the 2nd day in a row will surely cause that to happen. I had asked for some more insights in to past lives, so its funny how I slept during the day, which allowed it to happen. Thank you Universe.

I don't really feel any spiritual growth or healing has happened because of this dream, it's just I have a better understanding of who I was and what I did. Thank you the Neptunian Dimension for showing me.
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
I have not wrote here for a few weeks, life has happened. Nothing overly major, but I have a friend staying with me who would be homeless otherwise and I have assignments to do. Sleep has been good. Im thankful life has become eventful again, but it sure is stressful when you step back out into the fray. As ever, the spiritual growth and learning never stops. In fact, I write tonight because recent stressful events have led me to believe in the significance of being shown my past-life memories, like I recently described in the previous post. That insurgent guy who had no fear, just pure, focused, warrior-like skillful energy in attacking the enemy at night.

Funnily enough, for my assignment, Im being asked to develop a number of complex, realistic characters. Well, it makes sense to use the insurgent guy as my inspiration and thinking along the lines of developing his character, I have realized there is way more to him than what I perceived to be his confidence and focus. What led him to sneak out at night and kill the enemy? I would just be guessing if I were to specifically answer that, but what I can do is draw from my own experiences, the guy was me in a past life anyway. What I now know about him is he had a deep resentment for the enemy, it led him to be there. I know this because I also have a deep resentment. Not just about my past butits grown into a global resentment towards people who just create more victims because theyre too afraid to face themselves, hence shadow work in my first posts.

Well, I write this now because I see it coming - I am needed to become that insurgent and take action against my own resentment. It has started to happen already, which I will be able to explain in more detail, but it will become fully activated by those transits I see are headed my way (squares from Pluto and Saturn). I can feeling it coming because I am being attacked by negative energy from people that has genuinley caused me fear, all because I am helping my friend and I am not backing down because I will never not help my friend, and so, the insurgent energy is building within me.

Years ago, when my depression was first starting to hit and I was being bullied by my family, I heard a message, or rather I didnt hear anything but was given the message, that this was not the battle, that life was going to get a lot harder and this was just the beginning. The memory of that message is becoming apparent to me now and these upcoming transits will bring a tough couple of years and lots of pain, but I must be strong and not back down, because the battle is beginning.

I will help victims I can relate to (and distinguish the difference between a genuine victim and a manipulative victim of course), I will do what I can and realize I am no longer fighting my own resentment but a global resentment that creates new victims. I will no longer be full of fear, but I will gradually become more and more like the insurgent, except it will be different this time, of course. In fact, just like the movie called 'Fight Club,' it is a spiritual war and not a physical war this time. I am fighting the system that creates victims, I will be faced with my own resentment and fear and people that wish to weaken me, and I am doing it on a spiritual level.

There is so much to talk about. Tbh, half of these posts have not been finished and I will eventually reply to them and add further insights. But I will reply soon and describe more about this upcoming battle I feel emerging. This post just serves as a reminder to what I have realized tonight.

I must finish my assignment, Im busy with helping a homeless dude, and then I will write. Its fantastic I have little time to write but just like I have learnt a lot during my period of insomnia and isolation, I am learning through real life experience now. Btw, my period of learning did not start when I created this post, it didnt even start 4/5 years ago when I started this major depressive cycle and realization period, it didnt even start when I got told that it was just beginning when I received that message when I was 13/14. This battle emerging is not even THEE battle, but the stakes are being raised, I feel the insurgent energy burning inside of me, and I understand I will be facing much more upheavel than I ever have, but its for a bigger purpose than myself now.

What seems on the surface like negativity coming my way from other people which is causing me fear, is actually a taster of the Pluto and Saturn square transits beginning, and I will need the insurgent energy to fight it.
 
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Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
I have not written anything here in a while. I had a good excuse - my laptop broke and needed repairing. Ive still got some topics to go over again, but just a little break from all Ive been talking about because Im posting some Marilyn Monroe rants here:

~
The reason Marilyn got fukd over by Saturn in the end was because she sold her soul by allowing a ‘casting couch’ situation to happen and she became angry over the way she was treated by the industry/men who used her. She was addicted to painkillers and didn’t overcome that addiction, a sure fire way to have Neptune work against you. Saturn, the big daddy, eventually tested her and she failed.

But, you know, her childhood was appalling. A friend of her mothers didn’t want to look after her so instead paaasd her around to 11 different foster families in the space of 2 years until she became so depressed, eventually they worried for her and she eventually found solace in a family Aunt who gave her stability and love.

Once you are broken like that, can you seriously expect to have all your affairs in order by the time Saturn wants you dead? Or was her life a series of unfortunate events that led her to sell her soul and in doing so, became a Hollywood icon? Only a person with low self esteem would have sold her soul like that.

The Universe is funny, everything happens for a reason. Maybe if you fail, you were meant to. Arthur Miller career never recovered after he tried to sell a play about Marilyn Monroe. Saturn doesn’t like being used for being selfish so Saturn came for him too. A great writer overshadowed by a woman who he used.

~

And some rants about my family, Im clearly going through a 'healing' stage again.

A single red rose started growing in the garden after my Mum died which my Dad said was a sign from her. Problem is, people don’t respect the dead and prefer to move on cos he abandoned me for a woman he met off the internet shortly afterward. She was meant to be a ‘mother’ for me but her and dad were only interested in each other.

Another example of him not respecting the dead is when my dads mum died and told him to never under any circumstances sell the house to the neighbours, which he did cos he needed the cash quickly.

People don’t respect the dead, they respect themselves over anyone else because the fear of reality takes over.

Life would be easier if I had a Plutonian chart, but I’ve never felt like I wanted to change to become one. I have an elevated Mars after all, and get on with Plutonian, so I only feel I’m missing out when I’m more sensitive to life than what a Plutonian would be. In short, Plutonians don’t intimidate me. They don’t want to be ‘investigated’ or analysed, which is fine by me because I don’t desire to own somebody like that.

Uranian is the psychic planet. Neptune is Mystic. I have both influences strong, although I’m a Neptune through and through.

What weapons do you have to survive? Says the Plutonian who can’t fathom going through life without a protective layer. Why, says the Neptunian, I am too busy experiencing the transcendence waves than worry about the sharks. We can wash the sharks away or hide in plain sight like a shark, should we need to. But the waves, when the sun hits it and they become meshed together like one, including the sharks, that is my weapon.

Can you feel my resentment? I just had another dream that has engulfed me. It was about Marilyn Monroe and when she was married to Arthur Miller and he betrayed her by having an affair with the photographer on the set of the film. Marilyn just let it happen because her boundaries were so down. And she was dead with the year.

Arthur Miller has Saturn conjunct his South Node. The ruler of the Universe is a task master but can make its natives extremely selfish and Saturn, in effect, killed Marilyn Monroe.

Fuk the Plutonian ideology, it’s Saturn you don’t wanna fuk with.

There is such a thing as respecting the dead too much through. Before my gran died, we talked politics and she laughed at mine and said UK should remain as one and not seek independence from each other. I thought they should. Thing is, what once worked no longer works, eventually and the problem with accepting change comes from the inability to except your own mortality.

So while change should be embraced, I ain’t got no time for people who are selfishly inclined. It conjures up images for me of say like that Titanic sinking and the selfish ones would be pulling other people’s heads in to the water because they’re so scared and not thinking straight. That’s where selfishness comes from, fear and people too often think about themselves and behave in ways lacking in so much integrity, it’s the best description of disgusting to me.

So to conclude - respect the dead, respect life, and you won’t need to do anything that is disgusting.
 
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Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
Ok, another fragmented post. Bare with me. I am currently engaging with the real world where I will theoretically be able to implement this spiritual healing into practice. As part of that theory, here is some thoughts on my frustrations with implementing my spiritual knowledge in the real world. I actually have a lot to write, however I have one more assignment before my course ends for the summer, then I will be free to continue. For now, some fragments, to remind me what to write later.

~

As a Neptunian, I find it difficult to assert myself before becoming the scapegoat. Even with understanding what is happening before it culminates, I still yield to pleasing the other person instead of asserting where they might be lacking. This is why I dislike people because it translates to me that I ambeing attacked and to others, it translates as to me being a problem because negativity is projected to me. Then I become worked up about it. But the solution is quite simple - speak your truth before it gets to that point and even when it gets to that point, speak your truth, without any anger or frustration. I guess I am frustrated with myself for not learning this lesson despite the repetition of it throughout my life because if I asserted myself in present-time, I would see it as a victory and I would have more power and control. However, I reserve the right to still dislike human nature (even after seeing my responsibility in that opinion)n because of it being wrong to disown negaitivity. It doesn't matter how much I understand the dance of energies, or can feel the even darker shadow side of what is going on, I still haven't mastered the art of dancing with it.

Ive decided that its ok to fail and the solution is simply to be positive and assert yourself afterwards. But Im angry I understand it happening, yet still martyr myself instead of being assertive. After all, I do understand it is a dance of energies and I at least know the theory of how its meant to work, so implementing it is then simple. In short, counter-attack with positivity but also with assertiveness in present-time and this will translate to others as being something they can respect, even if they don't translate what is happening as a dance of energy.
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
Another random post, to highlight the growth in my journey. Im working again after a break og 6 months and once again I find myself surrounded by at least one person who is projecting on to me and making my time more stressful, this time its a 50 year old man who is taking his supressed anger out on some women because he was in an abusive relationship with his alcoholic partner for years. He is basically in denial because he only wants to see himself in a good light.

But things are improving with me, this new post does not come from a sleepless night, but that has never been a prerequisite for spiritual healing, as the healing comes everyday, in everyone we meet, as everything is a projection of our reality.

With that in mind, here is another random snippet of my thoughts and progress. I have one more assignment to do then I will have 4 months to clean up this thread.

~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ia0fgX9wfY&t=2569s

About this video, he says 'all learning is not required. All true knowledge is intuitive.' This speaks to my mercury-Neptune aspect incredibly well.

I can remember sitting in a lecture in first year and suddenly feeling like I just don't need to be here and how University was just a ruse to keep those mind who require more feeding to be fed with nonsense information, and those who don't require it are being kept busy with work.

Ever since then, I have struggled with my education and staying focused long enough to finish anything, which also has a lot to do with the stress of having to find your own feet in life without a support network. I was so naturally academic when younger and read constantly, that I could ace any exam. But as the years went on and I allowed that skill to perish due to the absence of constancy, I have longed for the academic in me to return, and see it as a kind of tug-of-war against mental illness.


Now life is more stable, Im slowly seeing I feel secure enough to slowly start studying again. Yet as I do, Im given the message that education is an illusion, just like I thought in the first place. All it serves to me is a means to an end to reach a more comfortable career and life for myself. The passion from learning is gone because I don't believe in it. Ironically, this is maybe what can bring the pleasure to it back because my goal is always to become educated and well-read like I used to be, just for vanity reasons.


Nothing matters. Nothing at all. Yet my ego still says 'now is the opportunity to study.' Its still a tug-of-war.

Perhaps I was highly educated in a past-life as my intuition says to me that when we reincarnate, we pick up where we left off, and we gradually move away from it. So, Im meant to not study, and in the confusing journey Ive been on, Im more mature and aware than most now and in front of me I see messages in the form of people appearing to me, who are educated, arrogant yet incredibly naïve, as if to show me what I once was.

But still, my ego says, pick up a book now then and that's all I want to do. I am not ready yet to leave my entire belief system but life has forced me by circumstance to do exactly that.

With this in mind, it also ties in to what I've been talking about past lives on this thread. Does it really matter if I was a witch and killed my now sister? Does it matter I was a vigilante who went out and killed enemy soldiers who were occupying the city where I stayed? It matters to the point that whoever gave me insight to these memories, wanted me to learn something from them. The witch memory helped me understand why my sister bullied me this lifetime, the vigilante dream helped me realise why I feel apart from society this life, but how brave it was, but that it ultimately led to my death. The soldier memory where I was dying in a field, helped me realise why I am so afraid this life time.

But besides that, it doesn't matter who I once was. It does not matter who I am now. This is because in 3D on Earth, time is linear, but in 4D, time is interchangeable and in 5D, time is a dot, it does not matter. This is what the guy was talking about in the video I posted above.

My mum who died, does not matter, she is her own spirit whose time it was to die. My family are not my family so it does not matter if life was hard without them, look how much Ive learnt without them.


To be continued... :) Hopefully Ill have made progress with the nasty co-worker, since he does not matter either.
 
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Gemini888

Well-known member
How are you feeling now? I haven't gone through everything yet, but looks to me like you are going through some tough time.
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
How are you feeling now? I haven't gone through everything yet, but looks to me like you are going through some tough time.

Well, Ive been through a tough time in my past and finding my feet and then its a constant struggle to fit into life because Im so sensitive, but Im actually doing pretty good.

This thread kinda shows what Ive been learning about myself while on this journey. Im hoping to clean it up and make it into a proper text once Im finished with it, so its serving basically as a diary but the romantic in me is hoping it can lend insight in to some random user who comes across it and can find it useful, in its fragmented form.

But, Im doing good :) Last night, I felt a bit worn out. There's always this underlying feeling that I just don't want to be here and I see death as the ultimate escape and return to soul. But, while Im here, Im trying to make the most of it and learn what I can. But, Im tired of it all, so Im not skipping through life but trying to live it with my heart still open.

I hope you are well, my freaky lil Gem :p
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
This quote fits in with what I described as a lack of focus which has effected my natural love of studying and writing - my spirit has been unsettled and so a great reward would be to have this return.

“What is called the spirit of the void is where there is nothing. It is not included in man's knowledge. With your spirit settled, accumulate practice day by day, and hour by hour. Polish the twofold spirit heart and mind, and sharpen the twofold gaze perception and sight. When your spirit is not in the least clouded, when the clouds of bewilderment clear away, there is the true void.Until you realise the true Way, whether in life or in common sense, you may think that things are correct and in order. However, if we look at things objectively, from the viewpoint of laws of the world, we see various doctrines departing from the true Way. Know well this spirit, and with forthrightness as the foundation and the true spirit as the Way. Enact strategy broadly, correctly and openly. Then you will come to think of things in a wide sense and, taking the void as the Way, you will see the Way as void. In the void is virtue, and no evil. Wisdom has existance, principle has existance, the Way has existance, spirit is nothingness.”

Miyamoto Musashi
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
To contrast with this, here is another quote, which is also fitting.

“You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.”

Nietzsche.

Some food for thought.
 
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