I really do need your help!

I really do need your help. Attached is my chart best I could do. I am not my usual roaring self as you usually see.

I have come to the point that it is over, I'm tired, worn out and don't care anymore. Yes, for those of you who are wondering I am considering suicide. Something I thought I had gotten past back in 1999 when I tried it last.

I know I am having Saturn return but no matter. Saturn return is nothing compared to what I have lived in my life.

Anyone that can comment I appreciate.

KayBug said:

I really do need your help. Attached is my chart best I could do. I am not my usual roaring self as you usually see.

I have come to the point that it is over, I'm tired, worn out and don't care anymore. Yes, for those of you who are wondering I am considering suicide. Something I thought I had gotten past back in 1999 when I tried it last.

I know I am having Saturn return but no matter. Saturn return is nothing compared to what I have lived in my life.

Anyone that can comment I appreciate.

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KayBug, if you do decide to take your life, there is nothing any of us can do to help you.

If this is something you are considering, do you belong to any kind of group that you could use for support? Do you have any friends that you could call?

I would imagine that a lack of a quick response here is due to the fact that none of us know what to say. I did take a quick look at your transits, and it does seem like a tough time for you at the moment, but many of the transits will not last long!

Gaer

i see chiron is having a field day running back and forth over your natal pluto 's opposition area. i don't know what that means, but it can't be easy.

i can only offer you words not associated with astrology:


please try and remember that your life is just as valuable as anyone else's, as are the lessons you learn in it. you are worthy of living, of loving, and worthy of sharing those things with other people. your struggles can be someone else's godsend, if you can fight through them and come out on top. no doubt you are able to do these things, and yes it is hard to do. your struggles are very real, and they can be overcome. somewhere in that noggin of yours, i bet you know that. you must find that faith in yourself. i have faith in you, i promise. you are not hopeless.

try focussing on giving back to the world through your emotional experiences. you have a very powerful water grand trine involving moon uranus mercury, giving you a gift for understanding and being in touch with your emotional landscape. with mc opposed your mercury, this could be a release point for your turbulent emotions (as well saturn is the release point for your yod). mercury in 4th in pisces indicates a wealth of knowledge coming from your soulful past, an inherited knowledge that you can easily pull from.

you have a lot to give the world due to your emotionality, and with moon in scorp in the 12th, you probably feel the emotions of the world on your shoulders.

my advice would be to give to the world from your experience with your emotional life; by doing this you can gain some grounding which you sorely need, as you only have saturn in an earth sign.

you have to focus on transmuting your essential spirit(sun), its involved in a yod with neptune and pluto. change your essential attitude and reap the rewards of a chart which to me looks very powerful and full of a lot of positive things. move away from "victim", "martyr", "lost" and towards "spiritualized" "transcendent", and away from "fearful" "powerless" to "powerful" and "unstoppable".

with moon in the 12th you are very succeptible to taking on emotions and feelings which are not yours. work on building some boundaries in your emotional life and not accepting the feelings which you do not own. you have the ability to do this (moon trine uranus), and come to a point where you can feel empathy for the world, but not let all those things affect you on a base level.

life is never easy, accept the challenge of healing yourself and others, and there will be many benefits for you to reap.

Hi Kay,

Chiron in Sagittarius/2nd - creating a deep-seated sense of meaningless that adversely affects self-worth.

North Node in Aries/5th - learning to take pleasure in being yourself.

Moon/Mercury/Uranus (retrograde) in a Water grand trine - adept at feeling emotion/pain.

Chart ruled by Pluto in Leo/9th - spirtual self-transformation

Abundance of planets in Air/Water - thinks and feels

No personal planets in Fire/Earth - may not initiate/endure

5 retrograde planets - karma that "must be sorted" in this lifetime.

Sun in Pisces/4th - psychological need to serve others

Transit Pluto setting-off natal Water Trine; Transit Uranus square natal Chiron; Transit Saturn inconjunct North Node.

OK - it's a tough chart and a tough time in a life that has been tough. Your choice is to get through it all (yet again) and learn what you/your soul has to learn or to opt out. Staying will lead to you helping others - leaving will lead to "having it all to do again".

I hope you choose to stay.

EJ

KayBug, I've been there, about four months ago.

Those who really want to do it, just do it without telling anyone.

The fact that you decided to tell us all means that somewhere in amongst all the despression and **** that you're feeling, something is saying "don't do it." Whether you realise it or not, it's there. Logic it out. Rationalise. Think. Find it. Cling to it. That fact in there, that little silver lining around all the clouds. I guarantee it's there.

For me, it was thinking of the poor train driver that I was wondering about throwing myself in front of. They didn't deserve to have their life wrecked just so I could end mine.

You'll look back on this period one day and wonder why you considered it, I promise.

It'll be okay.

barty said:

Those who really want to do it, just do it without telling anyone.

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BARTY!!!!!! *shakes head in utter disbelief*

Kaybug,
I think its great that you are sharing this in any way you feel comfortable......we havent always seen eye to eye, but I am sending you good thoughts, and hope happiness returns to you...sharing feelings such as those that you are having, i think is the way to work through them, but I must also add, that cos none of us are professionals, you should seek the advice of a trained expert aswell....
Seeing our ups and downs as transits in the sky, help us see that there is a light at the end of every tunnel.....and thankgod those planets keep moving, and dont leave us in negative states for eternity.......so it can only get better Kaybug....

Caprising has said made some really good points there.....(something i must remember when i feel like giving up too )

Quoted by Caprising, edited by me

For you to leave now Kaybug would mean that you went through all of that shite for nothing, what a waste of suffering!!

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I hope that gets you as fired up kaybug, as it does me......cos that is a thought that could get you through whatever is going on.....your a tough woman Kaybug, (youve been tough with me ) you could probably deal with things that most people here couldnt, so that is a positive.....

I really hope your feeling good soon.........i can empathise with what your feeling....

Hi Kay,

For help, and support check out this site www .samaritans.org

I Love the quote.I do the best I can let the LORD take care of the rest.

Footprints.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene,he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him,and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand.He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it.
'LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,there is only one set of foot prints. I don't understand why when I needed you the most you would leave me'.

The LORD replied,' My precious,precious child,I LOVE YOU and I would never leave you.During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.'

Anon.

Sending you lots of Love.
Jeremy.

Looking to Jupiter said:

BARTY!!!!!! *shakes head in utter disbelief*

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LtJ & KayBug - yeah perhaps that could be seen as a little insensitive...

But my point was, KayBug, it's a good thing that you can feel like that and yet you are still here telling us about it.....firstly, because you feel you can share these feelings, and secondly, because you haven't done anything about them.

And that's good, because we can all tell you why we feel you shouldn't do anything about them.

<hugs>
Steve

I'm still here this morning hanging on. I need to ask yall about something. My daughter says I curse people. I don't think so but here goes:

Many years ago when I was still married my ex husband asked me why I was getting out the good china for Christmas supper. I very much liked my father in law and have no idea why I said this; but I told him you never know when it will be your Dad's last Christmas and I wanted it to be nice. He died that night.

About 6 weeks ago, one of my daughter's friends was over here and she and her Mother had been having very difficult time for 3 yrs. She really had nothing to do with her Mom for those 3 yrs but she said they were real close now. I never liked this young lady and I said to her, if anything happenss to your Mom anytime soon those are 3 years you will never get back. She got angy ofcouse. Anyway, her Mom died 2 weeks later. She was 40 yrs old.

any comments please.

Transiting Saturn square or opposite your natal Sun. You are at a low point in your vitality and may be lacking in self confidence or self esteem. Personal ambitions are usually not successful at this time. This may be a test of your determination to succeed. You may have difficulties in your relationships, particularly from individuals who seek to change you and aren't willing to accept you for who you are. This is particularly likely to come from your superiors or your father. Superiors may try to impose restrictions on your expression or freedom. Watch out for a tendency to overwork. Your health may suffer if you strain yourself too much. Pay particular attention to your heart, cardiovascular system, and lower back.

If Saturn is lord of the 10th, career problems are likely to come at this time. It is likely that you are overextended in your responsibilities. Do not take on responsibility if you don't have the authority or this can be a prelude to a fall. Superiors may doubt your ability to handle things.

http://astrology-x-files.com/transits/saturn-op-sun.html

Transiting Saturn square or opposite your natal Mercury. Here, Saturn has the effect of cooling mental activity and communication in a negative way. You may be stumped and at an impasse with a difficult problem that does not seem to have a good solution. The keyword here is dilemma. In communication, there will tend to be misunderstandings or delays. You may feel isolated. It is as if others are operating at a different speed than you are. Others may not agree with your way of looking at things. You should be careful about looking at things too seriously or narrowly, which could lead to your forgetting the bright side. If you do, you are likely to experience depression and be blindsided by obvious solutions.

If Mercury is lord of the 8th, you may have important tax or credit related issues on your mind now. Pay attention to financial details. Banks tend to be more stingy in lending credit.

http://astrology-x-files.com/transits/saturn-op-mercury.html

*
If you end it all, then Saturn wins! You must not let that happen!

Everyone else, back down on the modern stuff so much, seeing just a littlle bit too much Chiron. Just a suggestion.

KayBug said:

I'm still here this morning hanging on. I need to ask yall about something. My daughter says I curse people. I don't think so but here goes:

Many years ago when I was still married my ex husband asked me why I was getting out the good china for Christmas supper. I very much liked my father in law and have no idea why I said this; but I told him you never know when it will be your Dad's last Christmas and I wanted it to be nice. He died that night.

About 6 weeks ago, one of my daughter's friends was over here and she and her Mother had been having very difficult time for 3 yrs. She really had nothing to do with her Mom for those 3 yrs but she said they were real close now. I never liked this young lady and I said to her, if anything happenss to your Mom anytime soon those are 3 years you will never get back. She got angy ofcouse. Anyway, her Mom died 2 weeks later. She was 40 yrs old.

any comments please.

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if you carry negativity in your mindset then that is all you will see in your life. if you see yourself as cursing others then thats what you will perceive in life situations. if you dont want to, change the way you think about yourself and your effect on the world.

if you want to feel and be sad, you will. if you dont you wont. its that simple.

all i see in your examples is two old people passing away. old people pass away all the time. it didnt have anything to do with you.

KayBug said:

I'm still here this morning hanging on. I need to ask yall about something. My daughter says I curse people. I don't think so but here goes:

Many years ago when I was still married my ex husband asked me why I was getting out the good china for Christmas supper. I very much liked my father in law and have no idea why I said this; but I told him you never know when it will be your Dad's last Christmas and I wanted it to be nice. He died that night.

About 6 weeks ago, one of my daughter's friends was over here and she and her Mother had been having very difficult time for 3 yrs. She really had nothing to do with her Mom for those 3 yrs but she said they were real close now. I never liked this young lady and I said to her, if anything happenss to your Mom anytime soon those are 3 years you will never get back. She got angy ofcouse. Anyway, her Mom died 2 weeks later. She was 40 yrs old.

any comments please.

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Hi Kaybug,

It seems as though you say something and it happens. You will probably be able to relate well to films like 'Final Destination'.

I have been having a similar situation over the last few years with a few of my friends dying in horrific ways. It's not that i say it and it happens, it just does and these people happen to be close to me. One of my friend's was drowned by her father, the other died in a horrific car accident and the other was attacked and murdered.

I have always thought that these coincidences around us mean that will spillover into your own life. It's like being shaped by the environment around you. It catches on. I don't know what awaits me but i've been told by astrology i'm going to die a horrific death so it all adds up.

I can't be more enlightening to you. You have come to this board for answers or else, confirmation of what you already know. Suicide is a very difficult decision to make. But is life all that really bad? Ask yourself this? What will happen after you are gone? You have a daughter as well. I am only 20, and somewhat inept to give you good advice, but what i will say is that one should never give up and should always fight their way through life and all it's problems.

I've been having terrible vivid dreams lately. The problem is they r what was reality going on and on and on. I can't explain.

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Currious about this.
Try to explain.
Ill ask.
And I will explain later...I may have an idea on this.

Just out of curiousity, to cover one possibiliy.
Is your body fairly tense....slight arthritis maybe?
After the nightmares maybe a swollen tongue..like the back of your toung may feel thick? also maybe a metalic taste in the mouth if ever so slight?
Do you feel heavy when you awake?
Are the nightmares very vivid and very recent, like yesturday seeming mixed with today, what you were doing mixed with where you were going in the future...that type of stuff...like your life only in funny mirrors like at the circus?
Maybe some slight goofy type of deja Vu?

Do you simply feel tense and overstimulated durring the day...like it's just too much?

please take your time and answer the best you can.


Do you still take medications.
Do any of those burn up esential vitamins....specifially B vitamins, like B 12, would it be hard to find out?

There are other things behind vivid dreams but a deficency in B vitamins, specifcally B 12, after some stressfull periods..especially if you are heavily focused on them now...that can cause these symptoms you mention....depression, tiredness, apathy, it's all overness, to manifest, as well as nightmares....
I also see saturn as a main culprit here.....but taking care of a vitamin deficeny if there is one there can be a big help.
They have those B vitamin tabs you can place on your toung for getting in your blood system easily....
I have seen others with the above syptoms I ahve mentioned notice an instantanious difference.....your an older gal Kbug....it wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm 25 and I take supliments, I even have had the above issue at one time triggered by high stress....also it as durring a saturn square to natal saturn....in my opinion saturn can be an ******* to the nervous system as well as the immune and muscular system....that is going to effect your sleep patterns and even your memmories as well as tiredness, fatigue, depression....also your dreams...
If you have a saturn return coming up it is going to be opposite of your sun as well...so....I would recommend it especially if a doctor sees no trouble with this...you are on meds but they don't tell you not to eat meat do they?
B vitamins are important.


I will be taking extra B 12 durring my saturn return as well...and I have mine coming up very soon.

KayBug said:

I'm still here this morning hanging on. I need to ask yall about something. My daughter says I curse people. I don't think so but here goes:

Many years ago when I was still married my ex husband asked me why I was getting out the good china for Christmas supper. I very much liked my father in law and have no idea why I said this; but I told him you never know when it will be your Dad's last Christmas and I wanted it to be nice. He died that night.

About 6 weeks ago, one of my daughter's friends was over here and she and her Mother had been having very difficult time for 3 yrs. She really had nothing to do with her Mom for those 3 yrs but she said they were real close now. I never liked this young lady and I said to her, if anything happenss to your Mom anytime soon those are 3 years you will never get back. She got angy ofcouse. Anyway, her Mom died 2 weeks later. She was 40 yrs old.

any comments please.

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I dont think you can curse anyone without intention....so unless you are intending harm, which i am sure your not, then i think what we have here are some bizarre coincidences......

(those that saw the mistake....im very slow today)

barty said:

KayBug, I've been there, about four months ago.

Those who really want to do it, just do it without telling anyone.

The fact that you decided to tell us all means that somewhere in amongst all the despression and **** that you're feeling, something is saying "don't do it." Whether you realise it or not, it's there. Logic it out. Rationalise. Think. Find it.

It'll be okay.

Click to expand...

I totally agree Barty, if you are gonna do it, you will do it no matter what, it sounds cold, but it is the psychological fact of the matter, however women will talk about it more than a man would before doing anything...
I am so happy Kay that you are reaching out, that means that deep down within your hurt soul you do want to live, faith of a mustard seed...
Please dont do anything rash, you are here for a reason....
Imagine:
having an inoperable brain tumor, your parents cry every night, seeing you in pain, on all of the drips of chemotherapy and all they think is- I wish they never told me he only has six weeks to live...
This little sould died at the age of two, he was never able to live out his dreams, or go through life, maybe to make great impacts on others- however I told his mother he made an impact on me and all of the other nurses around him. He was a sweet little boy...
Dont take your life, there are people everyday that wish they had one, they wish they had just one more day-
We all need to realize that we must live for those that cannot, those that did not get the chance....do something that can make a difference everyday even if it is the size of a mustard seed...

Barty said:

...something is saying "don't do it." Whether you realise it or not, it's there....

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Caprising said:

....For you to leave now Kaybug would mean that you went through all of that **** for nothing, what a waste of suffering!!

Click to expand...

LookingToJupiter said:

...you're a tough woman Kaybug, (youve been tough with me ) you could probably deal with things that most people here couldnt, so that is a positive...

Click to expand...

JerryRR said:

...The LORD replied,' My precious,precious child,I LOVE YOU and I would never leave you.During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.'

Click to expand...

aquarius7000 said:

...life is a cycle, and if it's rough now, then it can only get better, so hang in there, and gear up for some good times in the future

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Pallas-trine-Mars said:

....If you end it all, then Saturn wins! You must not let that happen!

Click to expand...

milywaygirl said:

...if you want to feel and be sad, you will. if you dont you wont. its that simple.

Click to expand...

Tsquare said:

....I also see saturn as a main culprit here.....but taking care of a vitamin deficeny if there is one there can be a big help.

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LTJ said:

...I dont think you can curse anyone without intention....

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SmilingSteph said:

We all need to realize that we must live for those that cannot, those that did not get the chance....do something that can make a difference everyday even if it is the size of a mustard seed...

Click to expand...

star2858 said:

..You have come to this board for....confirmation of what you already know

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Old Soul, I'm honoured to mirror/reflect back to your conscious mind the message you're trying so hard to deliver :-

Kay, you need to "get out of your head" (where you can help no-one) into the world (where you will help many) - that's what your soul has to do in this life (and it's running out of time).

EJ