Where is this fear coming from, how can I overcome this?

soratothamax said:

As was posted before, I had an issue with my mother, and moved out permanently. I am much happier and much more confident than I was living with her. My health is restoring back to normal. I even took the job advice from everyone.

My only issue is this lingering fear of my mother. Again, she's always been of the violent sort. She didn't take my move well, and tried everything to hurt me so I could feel guilty and so I could suffer, though she had to accept it. I keep feeling guilty and ashamed for leaving her alone. But the relationship was too abusive for me. I not only felt controlled but I was where she directed her anger and frustrations.

When I'm away from her I feel confident, but when I'm in the same room with her I feel myself getting sick and losing confidence all over again. I always feel like I'm going to fail, that she's going to criticize me. I'm too sensitive to her opinions and I let them control me because I don't want to be a bad daughter. I want to treat her well.

A family reunion is coming up and I have to be in the same room. I'm afraid of confrontation, her critical eyes, and lingering feelings of guilt on my side.

I'm wondering where this fear is coming from, and whether I made the right choice. Maybe I'm too judgmental and have a hard time accepting differences? What is it with our relationship that I can't get along with, and that I have a hard time living with?

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soratothamax said:

As was posted before, I had an issue with my mother, and moved out permanently. I am much happier and much more confident than I was living with her. My health is restoring back to normal. I even took the job advice from everyone.

My only issue is this lingering fear of my mother. Again, she's always been of the violent sort. She didn't take my move well, and tried everything to hurt me so I could feel guilty and so I could suffer, though she had to accept it. I keep feeling guilty and ashamed for leaving her alone. But the relationship was too abusive for me. I not only felt controlled but I was where she directed her anger and frustrations.

When I'm away from her I feel confident, but when I'm in the same room with her I feel myself getting sick and losing confidence all over again. I always feel like I'm going to fail, that she's going to criticize me. I'm too sensitive to her opinions and I let them control me because I don't want to be a bad daughter. I want to treat her well.

A family reunion is coming up and I have to be in the same room. I'm afraid of confrontation, her critical eyes, and lingering feelings of guilt on my side.

I'm wondering where this fear is coming from, and whether I made the right choice. Maybe I'm too judgmental and have a hard time accepting differences? What is it with our relationship that I can't get along with, and that I have a hard time living with?

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waybread said:

Your mother has sun square Pluto. People with this aspect typically "learn" early in life that they cannot trust other people. They grow up seeing relationships as a kind of binary-- one person's win is the other person's loss. To avoid feeling that they are losing, they will go to great lengths to dominate the relationship. The co-square to Uranus adds a lot of volatility. The Mars-Saturn-Mercury t-square can add a lot of negative thinking.

However, the ruler of her 5th house of children is Jupiter. It's conjunct Venus but in the 12th house, this loving energy is somehow locked away from her. I think she does love you dearly, but is just too full of inner conflicts, as you mature and become an autonomous adult, to express it

Intriguingly, you've got moon conjunct Pluto opposite your sun. Moon conjunct Pluto is a classic signature for a troubled relationship with Mom; and that opposition to the sun suggests you see her as your opponent. You may well feel as though the survival of your identity (sun) depends upon your standing up to her domineering.

I think you did the right thing to move out. In any case, it is a normal part of growing up to leave the nest sooner or later. Strive for a relationship that is cordial, but don't let yourself get dragged back into the reasons why you moved out to begin with. I suggest you go to the reunion, but consult with a couple of trusted family members first about the situation. Be pleasant to your mother but don't get into a tiff with her about anything.

Your north node of personal growth is in the sign of Aquarius-- noted for its emotional detachment!

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ashriia said:

Your situation sounds quite difficult, but from your post it sounds like you may have PTSD? The getting sick part, feeling ill when you are around her.. Anyone that has been in abusive situations will likely understand exactly what you mean. If she makes you feel this way, maybe it's best not to be around her at all. At least not for several years. It's important to take care of you. you know what I mean? In the synastry first thing that stood out was the Pluto Mars opposition. Which accounts for the abuse, at least to me. Abuse can't be understood. You can only heal and move on. Otherwise you will spend your entire life, trying to walk on eggshells only to realize that it changes nothing. abuse still happens if youre around someone with a bad temper and a history of being abusive. So you can only remove yourself from the situation. That's the only way the healing can begin. Sounds like you've already begun this journey for yourself. The fear is a natural response to being around someone that has done you harm. I don't think that is astrological. just part of being human.

my 2 cents.

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soratothamax said:

What's PTSD?

My Mars opposes her pluto...wouldn't that mean that I'm the aggressor? Sorry, I'm new to synastry.

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ashriia said:

PTSD, is an anxiety disorder. Just based on what you said in your post, I mentioned it. It tends to manifest after trauma. Jumpiness, stomach aches, feeling ill that sort of thing and other symptoms. But I'm not qualified to talk about such things. I just wondered at it, probably shouldn't have mentioned it though. my Gemini moon + merc in aries sometimes talks too much.

&

Your mars does oppose her pluto Uranus conjunction, but her placements opposed your mars too. Based on your posts she seems like the aggressor so.. I was going by what you said to determine how that opposition plays out. rarely is it balanced exchange of energy.. usually one is the catalyst and the other is learning how to work with the energy from what I've seen.


i wish you all the best in conquering your fears, you can do it!

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soratothamax said:

Oh no, don't feel that way! You're right, I do have an anxiety disorder! lol

Thanks you for the luck. I'll study everyone's responses closely, and try to get over my fear.

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miquar said:

Hi Soratothmax. I also agree that you have done the right thing about moving out and that it would be worth talking to the right family members before the re-union - though they probably know very well what your Mum can be like, it will perhaps be nice to know that others empathise with you and understanf you on that difficult day.

I just wanted to add a couple of things to the useful comments made above. Mars in Pisces is exactly sextile Neptune in your chart, suggesting that your ability to stand up for your own needs is diffused by a sense of connectedness with others. With Mars on the IC, its interesting that your experience of 'guilt vs assertion' has focused on breaking away from your domestic situation, this being where your will was being most severely suffocated. In other words, you need to be careful not to be too empathic when exercising your will.

This placement could also reflect an issue with your father, whether he was present or not, which could in turn have some bearing on your perception of your own capacity for (and right to exercise) autonomy and potency as an individual.

It is also noteworthy that your Mars is in a grand trine with Chiron and Pluto, with Mars opposite the Chiron/Pluto midpoint. This suggests an assocation of assertion of autonomy with alienation. You will have very rare and special ability to heal the wounded autonomy of others when you have found your feet in your new independent existence.

With Venus in Aries, your self-worth will blossom as you get more in touch with your Mars energy. You may feel that it is selfish to enjoy yourself, and so be out of touch with your Venus. Remember though that without the sign of Aries there would be no life. Think of the surge new chutes and buds competing for sunlight and nourishment during the early part of spring - nature cannot do without that time, and neither can the human psyche do without a parallel experience of being.

Your Mum's Pluto is opposite your Mars, while her Mercury in Cancer is trine to it. This gives her an ability to manipulate the senstivity of your Mars in Pisces. Your Neptune opposite her Mercury suggests that your tendency is to respond to her commucations in a way which keeps things more peaceful, rather than wanting to rock the boat. She really seems to be plugged into your weak spots and its no wonder you feel better away from her.

Because she is emotionally wounded, and because she has Moon rising in Leo, she probably meets life with a strong and instinctive sense of entitlement. Your Moon Pluto Sun configuration squares her ascendant, challenging the fantasies that she tries to conjure up to make her interation with the world tolerable. With her Sun (chart and Moon ruler) square Uranus and Pluto, she probably feels that life is forever challenging her validity, and that she must respond autocratically in order to protect her right to be herself.

A part of your chart which has perhaps helped you make the break is the Jupiter Uranus opposition. These planets are in the cardinal yang axis, which is concerned with the continuation of that which has been sustaining in the past, so perhaps the signs involved somehow inhibited their natural inclination for freedom. But Transiting Uranus has been contacting them and transiting Pluto is still close by.

Given that you may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, it may be useful to talk to a counsellor or therapist about things. Moon Pluto in the 12th is a profound thing to have, but difficult to get a handle on, especially when the emotional start in life has been difficult. It reminds me of the high priestess in the tarot.

Perhaps you could post your natal chart with transits for the day of the re-union, and people could try to warn you of the possible nature of any emotional challenges. You could even do the same with your Mum's chart.

Even though this wasn't a systematic and thorough look at either chart, or the synastry between them, hopefully it will help a bit.

Best wishes,

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JUPITERASC said:

There's some help on offer from Ajahn Brahm on LETTING GO OF FEAR at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7rFsrdtMM8

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miquar said:

Hi. I think the transits to your chart look good for the evening of the reunion. Transiting Pluto is of course sitting right on the natal Jupiter Uranus opposition, which is perhaps your greatest ally in breaking away from your mother. By the end of the night transiting Moon has conjuncted transit Pluto, and transiting Mercury makes up a grand cross around that day with natal Venus Jupiter Uranus, being especially close to Jupiter and Uranus. Transiting Pluto is trine natal Mercury. You might want to make a decision before you go, however, about what kinds of things will be good to say and which won't, and how you'll respond if your mother says something that challenges you - and then stick to your decision rather than act in the heat of the moment. But all in all there is a sense of liberation and empowerment in these transits - the taking back of power with regard to communication in particular.

Transiting Saturn is closely quincunx Venus, which could be relevant, but is a weak aspect.

Transit Chiron is conjuncting you IC, which is sure to be relevant. This may be especially pertinent if relatives from your deceased father's side of the family are there. But one way or another you're bound to feel something around that transit on that occasion. Perhaps a sense that in some ways you will never recover from the start you've had in life, which needn't be objectively true of course.

I hope it all goes well for you.

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