why do i do this and how can i change

i have never been in a normal relationship. i always been in love with someone who is unavailable or doesn`t want anything serious with me. i feel safe that way. when there comes a good guy who really likes me and wants to be with
me i feel almost panic..i want to run awaysomeone actually wanting to be serious with me..i cant deal with that..

i can live a relationship from distance..more like in my imagination..

now i have actually met a nice guy,and i actually like him.very much.
BUT when he calls me and tells me let`s meet and go to dinner and
spend some time together..i find myself making excuses for having something
else urgent that i need to do..

i really want to go..i want to spend time with him..but i just cant..that would be REAL.for me who feels familiar and safe with affairs that are long distance or some way in my imagination world.

i am asking myself why i am doing this...i`m sad because if i cant change myself..i will be alone for the rest of my life..

April 2
There are a number of aspects in your chart that can hint at your troubles. Energies in the 4th House reflect that the childhood home was rather unstable and changeable, and that you may have suffered sorrows or losses that still rest within your psyche. The Sun oppose Neptune suggests that you suffer from low self-esteem or a sense of inferiority, keeping you in a state of anxiety, or perhaps fear. Mercury is opposed to Mars creating tension in relationships, and afflictions to the Moon and Venus also affect your social interactions.
Things carried in the psyche can often cause inappropriate reactions which are activated below the surface of conscious awareness, and it is these inner conflicts that must be revealed and redirected. What is within affects our external circumstances, so self-analysis is the key to understanding.

You are currently under a significant Saturn transit, initiating a new cycle of personal growth; it is about gaining new perspectives and understandings about where you have been in life, in order to make a more stable and secure foundation for your future. This is a time when memories from the past tend to surface so that you can learn more about your true inner essence; Saturn wants us to remember and correct the lessons [misunderstandings] of the past. Jupiter transiting your 12th House is also about retreat and self-awareness.

kimbermoon said:

April 2
There are a number of aspects in your chart that can hint at your troubles. Energies in the 4th House reflect that the childhood home was rather unstable and changeable, and that you may have suffered sorrows or losses that still rest within your psyche. The Sun oppose Neptune suggests that you suffer from low self-esteem or a sense of inferiority, keeping you in a state of anxiety, or perhaps fear. Mercury is opposed to Mars creating tension in relationships, and afflictions to the Moon and Venus also affect your social interactions.
Things carried in the psyche can often cause inappropriate reactions which are activated below the surface of conscious awareness, and it is these inner conflicts that must be revealed and redirected. What is within affects our external circumstances, so self-analysis is the key to understanding.

You are currently under a significant Saturn transit, initiating a new cycle of personal growth; it is about gaining new perspectives and understandings about where you have been in life, in order to make a more stable and secure foundation for your future. This is a time when memories from the past tend to surface so that you can learn more about your true inner essence; Saturn wants us to remember and correct the lessons [misunderstandings] of the past. Jupiter transiting your 12th House is also about retreat and self-awareness.

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well all the chances i have had.i have destroyed runing away. pulling away. it`s just so twisted..wanting to be with him but i just cant. if i actually have to face a REAL relationship or to take a step on that direction..i just cant bring myself to do it.so i make these excuses and pull away.but always left
sad because i done that.

change is difficult..

Hi, Kimbermoon has nicely pointed out the powerful opposition from Neptune on your Sun, to a sensitive Cancerian this could manifest as feeling or fearing abandonment or betrayal. Your Sun however, is nicely placed in a Grand Trine with Moon, and Pluto but tends to focus on Neptune instead of its other more positive archetypes.

Your Moon is in Pisces, another sensitive Water sign, she is conjunct Jupiter who helps her expand her feelings into the space around her. This suggests increased sensitivity to others and your environment, as both are in the 8th House of transformation it may amplify your feelings of abandonment and betrayal. This placement helps point out your spiritual lesson in this lifetime.

You do have a charming Leo Ascendant, so I am sure people like you, sensitive and genuinely honest, you are a very nice person. Its the sensitivity of your Water dominance that appears to be what is holding you back. Fear of being betrayed and abandoned.

You say that you can't change yourself, well, you do know that we can only change ourselves? You are the master of your future, and it is up to you to create that future through what you do now. I suggest that you learn how to meditate and use your dreams and meditations to connect with your astrology archetypes to understand yourself and to enact real change for the better.

You have a fascinating future if you guide yourself to flow gently towards it, if I can help further please just ask.

Pragmatically speaking you have answered your own question.

shilonn said:

change is difficult..

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Change is difficult and it does not get easy. If you want the change or feel lead intuitively to change you have to put your best foot forward and take it from there. Avoidance brings its own set of difficulties.

To me, this reads like control issues stemming from your early childhood. You've got Pluto conjunct your IC, the cusp of your 4th house of early childhood conditioning. Saturn (limitation) in the 4th squares your moon (feelings) in the 8th house.

I strongly recommend you seek counseling so you can work through these issues with a qualified therapist. Your family doctor can give you a referral, or if you have a large employer it may offer some counseling services as part of its benefits package.

You find it hard 'to change' and that is due to the square between Uranus and Jupiter. Uranus wants to hold to it's sense of independence, despite it's idiosyncrasies, while Jupiter is the principle of growth and expansion. This paradoxical pattern is grounded from the past, as part of your psyche, while the ego wants to deny it. Sun in Cancer is the 'natural mother' fuelled by the need to care for, protect and nourish the family; yet it is opposed to Neptune which brings in the confusion and denial. This sets you up to trying to live in the imagination, rather than facing up to the reality. In the dream world you feel secure because you can feel in control of it. Venus/Pluto in square suggests possible karmic undertones relating to the use of power and control, which are hidden deep within the psyche.

Why do you feel that you are unworthy of a partner's commitment to you? This behavior is called self-sabotage, as shown by the afflictions of Mercury and Venus in the 12th H. Where do your feelings of insecurity and inferiority come from?
You do have the ability to change, thanks to the grand trines in your chart; you just can't see it now because of your limited perceptions about life. You need to develop more faith and trust in yourself which can allow for changing your attitudes, perspectives and belief patterns, which all contribute to your behavioural patterns.
Part of your destiny [NN in the 9th] is calling for you to awaken your spiritual connections and strive for a higher state of awareness and consciousness. Your biggest adversary is the things hidden within the psyche and those are things you need to try to strive to recognize and resolve within yourself. Rather than hiding behind excuses, let your true light shine forth

i already know some issues i have from childhood for sure. there was allot of pain.and ugliness..my father was violent and alcoholic. he abused my mother
and he didn`t believe i was his biological child (even i am) but he was sick and he there for pushed me away.and i didn`t even try to get close to him ever again.

so i know for sure my issues are there..i`m 28 now..all my life i always felling love with guys who want long distance or only want to play with me.the more distant they were the more i thought i want them.and run after them.

i was always left heart broken. and i never in my life paid attention to good guys i never wanted the ones that showed me interest. if a good guy tried to get near me i would run.that just didn`t feel right. it felt almost repulsive to me.

now the last few years i have been alone..i haven`t had any contact with men.i haven`t dated anyone in 3 years. something has changed a bit.
i dont run after the "players" like i used to..actually i have started to AVOID men like that.

but now when i have this nice guy..i am still doing my pattern..i was surprised realizing i have feelings for him..like i said he is not my "usual" type.but i do like him.and miss him very much..think about him every day but still avoiding him..

i decided to meet him.and i will tell him about my insecurities.i need to tell him i like him.but i have hard time with this..but i dont want to loose him.maybe he will understand and take it slow,step by step with me.
well he might not do that..but he cares about me even with my flaws so maybe he will understand.

i have made some progress in some level..i used to hide things cause i was ashamed..but now i have told him who i am
and how things are.i am just me.and dont pretend to be anything else..so that is something i`m proud of. being able to
say how things are and just be myself.

April 4
Now is definitely the time to begin to take charge of your internal patterns; Saturn in Sagittarius can serve to overshadow one's sense of optimism and faith, and that is exactly the message for you during the return; you have to give yourself 'permission' to go out and seek these things, and to find pleasure and fun once again. As mentioned, building up your trust and faith in yourself, rather than expecting it to come to you through others, is important now. Why deny yourself the potential for a relationship if it presents itself?
During it's transit through Sagittarius, Saturn will also provide greater stability and security through the natal trine to Venus which will be due to be re-activated for you, as a potential for romance and love.
Do go ahead and reach out to this man, however since Jupiter is currently retrograde in the 12th ; a word of caution. It is good to be truthful in getting to know another, but don't go and 'spill the beans' all at once...in the beginning, romance is a time of mutual discovery so take it slowly until you see if anything gels between you. Be sure to ask him questions in gentle ways, and show that you are really interested in his answers, rather than making him feel like he is under 'investigation'. Be willing to listen to what he has to tell you.
Also be attentive to your inner Mercury oppose Mars factor; Mercury is in Taurus now which could trigger this pattern, which is all about communications with men especially. Don't overthink; don't overtalk, but do be receptive to the need for you to avoid making statements that can lead to misunderstandings. You can make adaptations as necessary, as indicated by your grand trine of Sun, Moon and Pluto. Good Luck!

Thanks for the feedback. With Pluto on your IC, I think you'd be a natural for depth psychology and getting value out of therapy.

this is the thing.i`ve known him almost 3 years.and we have been only friends.he knows almost everything about me.the bad things..he has been there as a friend..but secretly liking me..so i dont have to think about when is too early to tell him this and this because he already knows..and nothing hasn`t scared him off..in time he is by my side even stronger and liking me even more.so i think this is genuine feeling..now i can talk to him about my fears and after that focus on positive and just enjoy my relationship with him.

right now i am starting to think about future in serious way..and education.. how to pay off my debts..children..relationships..so im not sure is it my first saturn return doing this..but i feel something is changing.