Sense of imminent death

Hi, everyone. I hope that some of you might help me.

I've been struggling with some pluto transits during the last few years. In 2011, I started a somewhat troublesome relationship with a slightly older woman, with a few complicated psychological problems of her own, and we fell apart last year. Afterwards, I started feeling symptoms of depression, of an higher magnitude then expected, which drove me into psychotherapy, which i've been doing for some time now. Lately, my depression turned into a deep, constant, irrational fear of death, and acute hypochondria, which has driven me to do medical exams to see if everything is ok. What I want to ask is, are there any signs that this will stop, or will it keep getting worse?

Any words would be appreciated.

Hello Phil,

Your Moon while in the sign of it's detriment placed in Leo, it's strong conjunct the angular 1st house and square Pluto in the 4th. The square to Pluto can be troublesome and can point to someone being or feeling "wounded" in life. To me, with a 12th house emphasis with Moon placed inside the 12th technically although sitting on your ASC along with Mercury and Mars in the 12th, you are definitely someone who is "behind the scenes" or in the background kind of observing. You might actually feel better in solitude, although I suspect it could be a double edged sword in that your mind runs away with you. Your family life is playing a big part here, whoever was very cold and abusive to you is impacting your adult life and relationships....clearly your emotional well being. One of your parents was very disapproving towards you, almost like you never measured up or that you weren't loved. I suspect it was your mother since Moon and Venus since both have challenging aspects. Instability is highlighted in your relationship with women now, substance abuse problems, deception, not sure where you stand and or wanting in the relationship and then wanting out and can go back and fourth. Again, you might subconsciously create a dynamic within relationship that is similar to what you felt as a child, such as not being good enough or being with someone you feel that way about. Does any of this resonate? The good news is that you can work with this as we all have our Crosses to bare in this life. Soon, Transiting Pluto will starting aspecting your natal Venus and Mercury, both will be positive aspects so there are some things to look forward to. Pluto transforms whatever it touches. Mercury rules your mind, Venus rules the thyroid(inside joke), love and money so there are things to look forward to. Next year you will start your Saturn return so you want to be mentally in shape as there can be lessons to be learned. The good news you will have lots of help from Pluto as well as Neptune to Mercury and Venus so when a door closes a window opens!!

Phil Perspective said:

Hi, everyone. I hope that some of you might help me.

I've been struggling with some pluto transits during the last few years. In 2011, I started a somewhat troublesome relationship with a slightly older woman, with a few complicated psychological problems of her own, and we fell apart last year. Afterwards, I started feeling symptoms of depression, of an higher magnitude then expected, which drove me into psychotherapy, which i've been doing for some time now. Lately, my depression turned into a deep, constant, irrational fear of death, and acute hypochondria, which has driven me to do medical exams to see if everything is ok. What I want to ask is, are there any signs that this will stop, or will it keep getting worse?

Any words would be appreciated.

Click to expand...

Vista said:

Hello Phil,

Your Moon although while in the sign of it's detriment placed in Leo, it's strong conjunct the angular 1st house and square Pluto in the 4th. The square to Pluto can be troublesome and can point to someone being or feeling "wounded" in life. To me, with a 12th house emphasis with Moon placed inside the 12th technically although sitting on your ASC along with Mercury and Mars in the 12th, you are definitely someone who is "behind the scenes" or in the background kind of observing. You might actually feel better in solitude, although I suspect it could be a double edged sword in that your mind runs away with you. Your family life is playing a big part here, whoever was very cold and abusive to you is impacting your adult life and relationships....clearly your emotional well being. One of your parents was very disapproving towards you, almost like you never measured up or that you weren't loved. I suspect it was your mother since Moon and Venus since both have challenging aspects. Instability is highlighted in your relationship with women now, substance abuse problems, deception, not sure where you stand and or wanting in the relationship and then wanting out and can go back and fourth. Again, you might subconsciously create a dynamic within relationship that is similar to what you felt as a child, such as not being good enough or being with someone you feel that way about. Does any of this resonate? The good news is that you can work with this as

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Sorry, your last phrase didn't show up. Can you reinsert it? First of all, thank you very much for your attention. What you wrote is actually pretty accurate, except where you talk about "substance abuse problems". I don't do drugs, or drink. Not even a bit. Not since teenhood, anyway. I feel that they would only bring further damage to an already complicated situation. Yes, I feel that my previous relationship somewhat recreated childhood experiences, although I don't recall fearing death, or impending death when I was a kid. It's violent, and it has been going on for too long...

Ok, now I can read it. I really, really thank you for your time and patience. Much appreciated.

Sorry Phil, I meant the women you date could have the substance abuse problems.

You are very welcome. I know it must be a difficult thing to go through. Would you mind replacing your current chart and adding one that includes Transits and progressions? This will give us more information. Hopefully more people will reply to your thread as well.

I am wondering and please don't feel you need to share but I do want to ask, have you sought out professional help and what have they to say about your fears? There has got to be a root cause! I really hate how doctors have because so ready to mask symptoms rather than looking to "why" something is happening. There has got to be a chemical thing causing this i would think.

Phil Perspective said:

Sorry, your last phrase didn't show up. Can you reinsert it? First of all, thank you very much for your attention. What you wrote is actually pretty accurate, except where you talk about "substance abuse problems". I don't do drugs, or drink. Not even a bit. Not since teenhood, anyway. I feel that they would only bring further damage to an already complicated situation. Yes, I feel that my previous relationship somewhat recreated childhood experiences, although I don't recall fearing death, or impending death when I was a kid. It's violent, and it has been going on for too long...

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Vista said:

Sorry Phil, I meant the women you date could have the substance abuse problems.

You are very welcome. I know it must be a difficult thing to go through. Would you mind replacing your current chart and adding one that includes Transits and progressions? This will give us more information. Hopefully more people will reply to your thread as well.

I am wondering and please don't feel you need to share but I do want to ask, have you sought out professional help and what have they to say about your fears? There has got to be a root cause! I really hate how doctors have because so ready to mask symptoms rather than looking to "why" something is happening. There has got to be a chemical thing causing this i would think.

Click to expand...

Oh, yes, the woman i was involved with has substance abuse problems. But her main problems were related with very, very complicated childhood traumas involving sexual abuse. Yeah. That bad.
I did seek professional help. My therapist (a psychoanalyst, actually) really, really tries to go to the root cause of my problems. He says that my fears are deeply felt "falsifications" (i don't know how to proper translate it to english) that prevent me from seeing my true problems concerning my upbringing, and my relationship with my parents. I've been replacing fears with newer, more violent fears for about a year. It now came down to fearing impending death. It's complex, but my therapist thinks that my parents, especially my mother, although admiring me while i was a kid (for being somewhat bright), never knew how to love me, rarely showed affection, and created a barrier between me and the rest of the world. This pattern has been recreated later in my life: i feel that i am a somewhat admired person around my circle of friends and colleagues, for several reasons, but that i'm unable to feel loved. My previous relationship amplified that feeling.

As you asked, here's the new chart:

As I already said, thanks a lot for your kindness.

Oh Ok! BTW, I sent you a private message not sure if you realized this yet. Look to the top right corner of the screen.

You might benefit more from a psychiatrist who can actually prescribe medication specific to your problems. Not that I am about taking meds necessarily, but really, no one should live like this.

I do see things improving. You have transiting Pluto moving through your 6th house of health, as I mention earlier, it will start beneficially aspecting your Mercury and Venus. I also think a career change might be coming in the not too distant future, it might be very liberating for you. Solar Eclipse Mercury is in your 4th house of home and also endings and sitting on natal Pluto, it is squaring your natal Moon setting off the natal Square off with Moon and Pluto. I am guessing you are having a particularly painful time right now, maybe having some sort of realization that you can't do this any longer. With Transiting Pluto retrograde all the outer planets are actually or soon to be but for Uranus, things are at a standstill for the moment, your progress is at a standstill. Things will start moving forward towards mid to late summer not to say you won't get anywhere. I would highly recommend exploring other options treatment wise(retrograde planets means going back over things or a return to) so rethinking or reviwing what is helping and what's not helping is important to resolution. Your current practitioner might have done all he can to help you medically.

I do think you have a new relationship coming in the next year or two so that is something to look forward to.

Phil Perspective said:

Oh, yes, the woman i was involved with has substance abuse problems. But her main problems were related with very, very complicated childhood traumas involving sexual abuse. Yeah. That bad.
I did seek professional help. My therapist (a psychoanalyst, actually) really, really tries to go to the root cause of my problems. He says that my fears are deeply felt "falsifications" (i don't know how to proper translate it to english) that prevent me from seeing my true problems concerning my upbringing, and my relationship with my parents. I've been replacing fears with newer, more violent fears for about a year. It now came down to fearing impending death. It's complex, but my therapist thinks that my parents, especially my mother, although admiring while i was a kid (for being somewhat bright), never knew how to love me, never showed affection, and created a barrier between me and the rest of the world. This pattern has been recreated later in my life: i feel that i am a somewhat admired person around my circle of friends and colleagues, for several reasons, but that i'm unable to feel loved. My previous relationship amplified that feeling.

As you asked, here's the new chart:

As I already said, thanks a lot for your kindness.

Click to expand...

Vista said:

Oh Ok! BTW, I sent you a private message not sure if you realized this yet. Look to the top right corner of the screen.

You might benefit more from a psychiatrist who can actually prescribe medication specific to your problems. Not that I am about taking meds necessarily, but really, no one should live like this.

I do see things improving. You have transiting Pluto moving through your 6th house of health, as I mention earlier, it will start beneficially aspecting your Mercury and Venus. I also think a career change might be coming in the not too distant future, it might be very liberating for you. Solar Eclipse Mercury is in your 4th house of home and also endings and sitting on natal Pluto, it is squaring your natal Moon setting off the natal Square off with Moon and Pluto. I am guessing you are having a particularly painful time right now, maybe having some sort of realization that you can't do this any longer. With Transiting Pluto retrograde all the outer planets are actually or soon to be but for Uranus, things are at a standstill for the moment, your progress is at a standstill. Things will start moving forward towards mid to late summer not to say you won't get anywhere. I would highly recommend exploring other options treatment wise(retrograde planets means going back over things or a return to) so rethinking or reviwing what is helping and what's not helping is important to resolution. Your current practitioner might have done all he can to help you medically.

I do think you have a new relationship coming in the next year or two so that is something to look forward to.

Click to expand...

Oh, yes, I've just noticed the private message. I don't know if my practitioner has done all he can...it takes years. I notice small, gradual change in my therapy's development...and I don't actually know if my recent fears are the result of therapy process forcing me to confront them. I do try to avoid medication. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of having to take them.
It's probable that I will have a career change in the near future. Not so much changing my actual career, but a development of it. Sadly, my emotional problems have been slowing down this same development...but it goes on. Miraculouslly. My professional life is not a problem. Thank god. What i really, really needed was some peace of mind. Some calmness. It has started to slightly affect my health. We'll see...

hi phil
looking for a vibration of dead or catasrphy, there was a very strong depression and physicalm danger arounds you in late january and into feb with feb being extremly depressives .likely you might have felt "possesed " by destructive self esteem and wtih a neptunesun lpposition, sucide may have run through your mind. but this period has past and actuallly you are on the cusp of a excellent mental,emotional and proffessional vibration.

are there any periods in your past when you were extremely despondent and then the clouds parted and love ,relationship and professional advancement came suddenly???
because this is what is about to happen in june . beginning about the 9th.
by july 12n at the lastest your will be in a expansive ,loving and social relationship and your professional life will be advancing. the professional side actually show spring to life in june. so june to july will bring experiences that completely negate this current emotional trial.

one caveat. if you are in therapty currently. stop it by june 1 or so.especially if you are on meds. you will not need them and to continue with meds as they will hinder the expansive transit coming around you.

also you might post the composite with your "4x" to see why her issues are haunting you. stop looking back and look for opportunitues and romance this summe.i am not demeaning your mental issues but as i said the deepest depression and dangerm is over. and ,again,if you are still on meds in june, then you may not reap the full benefits coming to you.

rahu

rahu said:

hi phil
looking for a vibration of dead or catasrphy, there was a very strong depression and physicalm danger arounds you in late january and into feb with feb being extremly depressives .likely you might have felt "possesed " by destructive self esteem and wtih a neptunesun lpposition, sucide may have run through your mind. but this period has past and actuallly you are on the cusp of a excellent mental,emotional and proffessional vibration.

are there any periods in your past when you were extremely despondent and then the clouds parted and love ,relationship and professional advancement came suddenly???
because this is what is about to happen in june . beginning about the 9th.
by july 12n at the lastest your will be in a expansive ,loving and social relationship and your professional life will be advancing. the professional side actually show spring to life in june. so june to july will bring experiences that completely negate this current emotional trial.

one caveat. if you are in therapty currently. stop it by june 1 or so.especially if you are on meds. you will not need them and to continue with meds as they will hinder the expansive transit coming around you.

also you might post the composite with your "4x" to see why her issues are haunting you. stop looking back and look for opportunitues and romance this summe.i am not demeaning your mental issues but as i said the deepest depression and dangerm is over. and ,again,if you are still on meds in june, then you may not reap the full benefits coming to you.

rahu

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Hi, rahu. First of all, I want to thank you also for your attention.

No, I don't remember feeling any sudden changes like that. Never. I still feel really, really anxious, and depressed. It has been worse, but its still really bad. As i wrote above, I don't use anti-depressants. Actually, I never did.

I do know the birth chart data from the woman who I was with. Should I post her individual data, or the composite?

hi phil
excuse me for not reading your intial post more closely.
i like to use the midpoint composite to isolate the dynamics that may have cause you reaction to her issues.but you might post her chart also as most astrologers here prefer comparing the two charts rather than using a composite

rahu

rahu said:

hi phil
excuse me for not reading your intial post more closely.
i like to use the midpoint composite to isolate the dynamics that may have cause you reaction to her issues.but you might post her chart also as most astrologers here prefer comparing the two charts rather than using a composite

rahu

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No problem. I'll post both (but without her data). Here's our composite:



...and her own:


I hope it might be of some help. And thanks again.

OOOHHHHH KAY
you have one of the most intense sexual/physical/psychic/emotional connections possible.

he venus/sun conjunction gives love and atraction bu he mars/venus and mars/sun midpoints are pposed to uranus.is gives an amazing,ontensely electric sexual emoional conection. wit uranus involved you surely feel his is ou soulmate as the psychic connection between you is almost uncontrollable.his paten often shows ta you ad she read each oter minds and likely travekl oehr in astral/vivid dreams.any tines this shows ta you ae ineach other dreams and can even have communication i dream states. so i see you problem/.te problem is tha uranus also is very unstable .and this can sow "crazy" mental states because of it.this pe of patern is like a comet. it appears suddenly and takes over te sky of your mind but it quickly passes leaving one feeling like a burnou shell.tisis because a "normal" relationsihip needs a constant and steady emotional conection. but this ype of connection is too unreal, to highly chages to fit in with he routinue ive ad take of committed relsationship.plus uranus will never give up i's need for freedom, so though te love/sex is unimaginble intense, it will not last. you cannot but a harness o this type of emotional intensity.
so tis is why you are devasated emotionally. you feel deeply in love wih a "goddess", a unreal person. the person of your dreams.... ad she reciprocated for a while until she "burned out", leaving you wondering how could the love between you NOT affect her like it affected you.
this is a tough one ad only ime will heal this pain. but you must let it go as it will never come back.you can not remain in love with a dream or your entire eality will decend io "craziness" as you have found out.

rahu

rahu said:

OOOHHHHH KAY
you have one of the most intense sexual/physical/psychic/emotional connections possible.

he venus/sun conjunction gives love and atraction bu he mars/venus and mars/sun midpoints are pposed to uranus.is gives an amazing,ontensely electric sexual emoional conection. wit uranus involved you surely feel his is ou soulmate as the psychic connection between you is almost uncontrollable.his paten often shows ta you ad she read each oter minds and likely travekl oehr in astral/vivid dreams.any tines this shows ta you ae ineach other dreams and can even have communication i dream states. so i see you problem/.te problem is tha uranus also is very unstable .and this can sow "crazy" mental states because of it.this pe of patern is like a comet. it appears suddenly and takes over te sky of your mind but it quickly passes leaving one feeling like a burnou shell.tisis because a "normal" relationsihip needs a constant and steady emotional conection. but this ype of connection is too unreal, to highly chages to fit in with he routinue ive ad take of committed relsationship.plus uranus will never give up i's need for freedom, so though te love/sex is unimaginble intense, it will not last. you cannot but a harness o this type of emotional intensity.
so tis is why you are devasated emotionally. you feel deeply in love wih a "goddess", a unreal person. the person of your dreams.... ad she reciprocated for a while until she "burned out", leaving you wondering how could the love between you NOT affect her like it affected you.
this is a tough one ad only ime will heal this pain. but you must let it go as it will never come back.you can not remain in love with a dream or your entire eality will decend io "craziness" as you have found out.

rahu

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Wow. How do you know that it was she who burned out? And yes, it was her. More or less.

This is a very, very tough one. I've been in relationships before, been heartbroken before, but this was something else. For lots of reasons. It always sounds like a cliché - as indeed it is - but i feel that I'll probably never have this kind of affection for someone else. It's too unlikely. Too rare. And too crazy. For better or worse.

i assume she burned out because you are the one with the ashes . it could have been either of you that burned out but this chart is so highly sexualized that it is usually the male who feels the loss.

rahu

Another thing i wanted to ask is: it seems that I've been having pluto opposing a lot of planets for a few years now, and that it will continue for some time. I know that this is a somewhat generic question, but what does it all mean, and what will it take me? Is it concerned with health issues, or mainly psychological ones?

Hi Phil,
If you go back to posts 2, 5, and 7, I answered your question about this. You are overly focused on Pluto challenges when you also have the planet positive aspects along with Uranus, Neptune and Saturn too. As I said, a door closes and a window opens; you always have an out. Maybe pour yourself into learning more about astrology as it could give you peace of mind. Since you don't want to take medication and or explore other possibilities of the root cause for your problem, I am not sure what you are hoping for? You do have free will, maybe you can try mind over matter and start replacing these doom and gloom thoughts and catastrophizing your life/feelings with positive thoughts and or events in your life. It's not easy of course and I get how debilitating they are, but I know with anxiety, when you do this at the time you feel an attack coming on(telling yourself it's only anxiety it will pass), you can actually make the event subside much more quickly and eventually they will become less and less frequent until they don't happen any longer. I am not in any way trying to minimize your pain or suffering or to say your symptoms are not real either. I do wonder if putting your energies towards investigative work into causes of death in victims, or exploring opportunities that could use these thoughts in some kind of constructive manner would help off set this tendency. As you said, your career is good but at the same time perhaps you need another and much different outlet. Your chart is really one with the ability to overcome these fears and thoughts, it's time to activate this strength!! Start journaling your recovery and what triggers your fear and anxiety. You might be able to help people one day with your knowledge.

Is the time of birth of your girlfriend accurate? It doesn't appear to be with the natal chart you posted and what your describe of her background and substance abuse problems, it makes a huge difference. The fact she has these issues is all you really need to know I would think to try and move on. The composite chart of you both just screams out instability with Uranus opposing all those personal planets. I typically compare natal charts much more routinely than look at composite, however sometimes as in this case the writing is very clearly on the wall.

Phil Perspective said:

Another thing i wanted to ask is: it seems that I've been having pluto opposing a lot of planets for a few years now, and that it will continue for some time. I know that this is a somewhat generic question, but what does it all mean, and what will it take me? Is it concerned with health issues, or mainly psychological ones?

Click to expand...

Vista said:

Hi Phil,
If you go back to posts 2, 5, and 7, I answered your question about this. You are overly focused on Pluto challenges when you also have the planet positive aspects along with Uranus, Neptune and Saturn too. As I said, a door closes and a window opens; you always have an out. Maybe pour yourself into learning more about astrology as it could give you peace of mind. Since you don't want to take medication and or explore other possibilities of the root cause for your problem, I am not sure what you are hoping for? You do have free will, maybe you can try mind over matter and start replacing these doom and gloom thoughts and catastrophizing your life/feelings with positive thoughts and or events in your life. It's not easy of course and I get how debilitating they are, but I know with anxiety, when you do this at the time you feel an attack coming on(telling yourself it's only anxiety it will pass), you can actually make the event subside much more quickly and eventually they will become less and less frequent until they don't happen any longer. I am not in any way trying to minimize your pain or suffering or to say your symptoms are not real either. I do wonder if putting your energies towards investigative work into causes of death in victims, or exploring opportunities that could use these thoughts in some kind of constructive manner would help off set this tendency. As you said, your career is good but at the same time perhaps you need another and much different outlet. Your chart is really one with the ability to overcome these fears and thoughts, it's time to activate this strength!! Start journaling your recovery and what triggers your fear and anxiety. You might be able to help people one day with your knowledge.

Is the time of birth of your girlfriend accurate? It doesn't appear to be with the natal chart you posted and what your describe of her background and substance abuse problems, it makes a huge difference. The fact she has these issues is all you really need to know I would think to try and move on. The composite chart of you both just screams out instability with Uranus opposing all those personal planets. I typically compare natal charts much more routinely than look at composite, however sometimes as in this case the writing is very clearly on the wall.

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First of all, thank you very much. Yes, it is hers. I used exactly the same data. Oh well. Let's see what the future brings. I hope that I can overcome all of this, someday. It's been about time.

As a side note astroligcally speaking and something you are unlikely to understand for this reason, this woman's Moon and Saturn activates your Moon Pluto square I spoke of initially and creates and T Square. This is a very challenging(yet attractive energy) and will bring up all sorts of negative childhood experiences within the relationship. I suspect many of the women you have dated you will find their personal planets activating your Moon Pluto Square. With her Saturn involved squaring your Moon and conjunct your Pluto, and your Moon opposing her Moon and your Pluto squaring her Moon, there can be obsessive tendencies within your relationship yet at the same time a depressive or wet blanket feeling can develop between you. There would be ambivalence that would develop towards the partner(it could happen with one of you or both of you) but because Saturn and Pluto are involved, there is a very hard time breaking away from each other. You both might feel neither of your emotional needs are being met with the other.

Used exactly the same data? I am not sure what you mean? Is her time of birth accurate or did you take a guess?

Phil Perspective said:

First of all, thank you very much. Yes, it is hers. I used exactly the same data. Oh well. Let's see what the future brings. I hope that I can overcome all of this, someday. It's been about time.

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