I am sorry to hear that. 2020 has been so difficult for everyone. I can hardly wait for 2021 to begin...
Yes, this is a great way for couple's to negotiate and work through issues. Maybe you can incorporate this technique again , when Covid lifts and we can begin relating again, socially...
The pandemic has thrown everything off---you two probably could have worked things out if it was a more normal situation.
But it is true that your Moon in Sag requires a sense of freedom that might make her uncomfortable with it---And that is your issue as you need to be able to make her feel needed and wanted, even when you need some space for yourself.
That^^^ might be the Saturn/Sun conjunction in the synastry chart...
Saturn can come off as harsh and critical to a Pisces Sun. When she says she is burned out, what she may be saying is 'you burned her out' by stressing her out or being difficult or having high expectations for her that she might have felt she couldn't live up to?
Saturn has high standards and sets the bar high. Having your Saturn on her Sun means that she felt she had to live up to your high standards , and it may have been something she struggled with?
When I read your words above, I get 'mixed messages' from it. I hear you saying you expressed your feelings, expressed 'everything and 'that's that.'
So you are putting the ball in her court, saying it's up to her if she comes back or not....even though you supposedly expressed your love...
AND YET, you also say "i feel like everything turn out like it should..."
?????????????????????????????
I think she may feel like you are not really all that committed to this relationship's future, and you may have shown her that by giving her mixed messages when you last spoke...
I am sure you did what you think is right. But you must be honest with yourself about the current situation.
It feels to me like you are kind of uncertain, so you are leaving it up to her, so whatever happens happens....
If you REALLY want to work on this relationship, she probably needs to hear that from you again, but with more sincerity and certainty? If not, let her be....
I expressed myself to her couple of times, i apologized and asked to meet up to talk, she agreed but then she flaked 2 times on me. I could write a whole conversation here tbh. She is also weirded out by that communication i provided earlier.
She insulted me, crossed boundary i made clear that's really important for me and didn't even apologize. She didn't take responsibility for it asw, and that's a huge thing for a long term relationship. she flaked on me 2 times and the most important conversations are as follows:
ME: At this point in my life, i have a real dark time in my life, i feel weak mentally, emotionally and phisically. Add my health, lost job, and exercise , and one of the most important things, that i can't meet your needs.
It was so painful for me not to be able to meet your needs, so i tried to fix it by solving problem with logic, instead of showing that i care and connect with you. Instead of first connecting with you and after that explaining how important that boundary is , i didn't meet you on a heart level, and saw only the boundary being crossed, and got sad , because at that moment i felt disrespected and appreciated, so i couldn't connect with you on that level. I wanted to say that the time we spent together was one the brightest things in my life in this dark yeah.All these travels, emotions, love making and all these other things. What i feel for you is real, but because of su much pain and sadness i couldn't clearly express them to you, for that i'm sorry.I wanted to see you and express these things looking at you, but looking are out situation i see that that's not going to happen. I see why you don't want to meet me, and i fully understand you , you didn't receive empathy, and your needs were not met, so looking at that, i'm just writing you a message.
HER: I'm not mad at you, and i'm happy that you understood something from that time. My summer was also one of the best things ever, i felt amazing with you , connecting with you and taking your positivity and energy , that i lacked in other aspects of my life. I felt that you held something inside, but i lack strength to ask these direct questions. I hope your job and health improves and you'll finally feel better. Sad that we couldn't say these things to each other in real life.
After that i invite her to meet up tuesday again, she agrees and on last day flakes on me again.
Messages go like this:
HER: I've heard that they are closing the traveling between the cities, i think it's better we meet after these things are over.
ME: They are closing in 2 days, but if you really feel that way, i can't do anything about that.
HER:I know, but i thought i could visit my other relitives while there's still time.
ME: Ok , i understand, but you could be more upfront about not wanting to meet me.
HER: In these times we were dating i invested a lot of time and energy in us and i burned out. In these recent 3weeks where we didn't meet i realised how much energy i have for other things. That's why i need this space, so i could realise what i really want.
ME: Are you feeling sad and disapointed because your needs to be heard and valued for your efforts were not met?
HER: I don't feel disapointment anymore, i felt it before. And i didn't need to be valued, i just simply needed to be cared for.
ME: So are you feeling sad because your need to be heard and understood wasn't met?
HER: I can't say the feeling, but the reasons might be true. And i can't say that you're the problem. It's just that our vishes we're not the same.
HER: I needed you to give me your hand, instead of me always trying to take your hand, i needed you to always wait for me at the station if i'm coming to see you. Technically these are not big things, but they were big for me.
In all these things i thought you do not care about me, maybe it wasn't so, that's why i tried to appreciate that.
ME:Seems like even now you feel the same way, that your need to be understood and appreciated wasn't satisfied? Why couldn't you express these needs in words?
HER:I feel like i tried to put these things aside for to long and try to enjoy things you were giving and doing to me.
Talking like this feels akward, i feel like i'm talking to psychologist, i don't know if i want to talk like that.
ME:Maybe it sounds a little bit weird, but i'm trying find out the things you need, your needs and trying to see your feelings.
HER: Don't you think it's 2 late? Ofcourse you can rationalize everything, but such a small details as offering a napkin while eating something means a lot to me.
ME: I'm just asking, i don't want to rationalize anything, that it's to soon, or to late, but in the way you're speaking i can see you think it is.
From the way you speak i can see you're hurt, but at the same time you have a difficult time adressing your feelings, needs and actions for these needs. It is my faul that i thought you could navigate these things on your own, if i would have shown you and teached you, maybe you would have had easier time expressing things like these. Rationally i can only say what i did could have done better, and what you could have done better, but rationallity won't help us here. To solve a problem first we need to be connected with each other on empathic level, so the problems and conflict can be solved way easier when you know the person trully feels and cares about you.
I fully understand you that you're even sad right now that your need wasn't met, but the same need is met by different action for another person.
I couldn't hear your feelings under your words, and you couldn't express in a way that would make it easier for me to understand.
HER: That's probably what it was.
ME: I don't know how about you, but i think when people want to create a long lasting relationship, they try to understand one another and try to talk to each other, what needs are not being met, so they can avoid as much heartache as possible. That's how happiness comes in relationships . Ability to meet your partners needs, while he meets yours. I feel sad that i couldn't meet these needs of yours, but now atleast i know what these needs were and what actions you wanted me to take to meet those needs.
Talking about self reflection, could you see what my needs were not met ?
HER: I don't know what your needs were, i couldn't get them out of you, just like your emotions. Remember when i asked questions, and you always said ask more contrete and direct questions, with a precise message?
Maybe you never felt comftable with me, because i never heard from you that you're sad.
ME:It's hard to see needs of another person if all you're hearing are hi's words. We were speaking in a way that we couldn't hear each other's needs. It's my own fault that i didn't see yours and didn't teach you how to do these things, while hoping you'll know how to do this yourself.
HER: Well that's on both of us.
ME:When i was happy you could see it on my face, same could be see with sadness. But you're right, i never said i was sad, but you never really asked. You're asking for caring about you, but can you reflect on this a little? I agree it was my own fault for expressing my emotions, but neither could you , that's why we couldn't feel for each other in that darkest period of time.
It was really sad for me to hear all the complaining you threw at me, instead of asking me to do something. You realise in that time, you're not meeting thi's person's needs and he's not appriating you, it hurts. It's sad that you couldn't express your complaints in your own needs, instead of blaming me, that would have been way better way to understand for me, without you attacking me on a personal level. You know what's really sad? atleast for me. When we had an argument and you steped over a boundary of mine that you knew i really cared about. You blamed me for your emotional drama hurricane you threw at me, didn't take any responsibility for it... you knew it was a real important thing for me, and you didn't even say you're sorry. Not only you didn't say sorry, but you felt i should apologize because of what you did.....This not only shows lack of responsibility, but you didn't even feel sad about steping over boundaries of other people you claim to care about, the boundaries of people you claime you love. You thought that other person can be responsibile for other person behaviour, and you blamed me for your created drama. You didn't even apologize to this day, and it still hurts .
What's the saddest thing is after that emotional drama you did i understood that even the sadder thing is, you held that thing inside for so long, you exploded. Your needs were not being met, and i couldn't notice it .
It's a human thing to have standards, values, people don't simply have them for no reason. I really lacked compassion, respect and appreciation, these were the needs that were not being met . I understand how frustating things can feel at times, but grown up people take responsibility for their own actions, if they want to build a relationship where there's balance and health, you aplogize for things like these, especially if that's a value of the person you love. After you didn't apologize i realised you prob don't want to have relationship with me anymore, actions always show the way.
I'm here trying to speak with you, connect with you, and work things thru. But i see i'm the only one who's in this . I still love you and care about you, so i'll give you an advice. If you won't be able to navigate and express how you feel and what needs you have, the relationship's won't work. Doesn't matter it's with me , or anybody else, but long term relationship without this simply won't work. These are the most important things in the long term relationship to build on.. Your relationship could fe high in the feels and feel amazing, but if you can't express when your needs and not being met, and how you feel at that point in time, long term these amazing looking relationships will not last. Love is not about doing things for people, it's about caring about the others person feelings . How a person loves you trully shows up when they can't do something you want them to do. You either respond with compassion, or you start demanding things, which in a long term, hurts both partners. If you'll start doing things for person from any other place rathe than love, you'll keep score and can easily start growing resentment towards that person, because you feel like you're doing to much, while he's doing to little. How would you feel if the person you trully loved always complained about things you didn't do for him each time? How easily would it be for a person to talk about emotions with you if you were always complaining about things?and how would you feel knowing you can't meet the needs of the person you love because they don't know how to express them? You don't need to answer these questions for me, answer them for yourself, that way you might also my perspective a little bit.
I feel sad hearing about your decision to take your time and think, but at the same time i understand where you're coming from.
I know what i feel for you, but only feelings are not enough for a long term thing, respect, compassion, responsibility, and talking when it's difficult to do so is also part of the long term process.
This message is really long so you read that or not, it depends on you, but i said and did all i could in the current situation.
HER: You wrote a long story, and i really have loads of thing to think about, and i think i'll do just that. And until that time i don't want us to feel akward and pretend like we don't know each other, because i still care about you.
