Some of these days these boots are gonna walk all over....me?

The tittle is kinda humorous to fit the topic.....

I have a major problem in relationships,those that ever meant something to me. for some reason,I let some of them walk all over me in a sense. whenever something is wrong I am there,even if it's a small thing,I am caring,thoughtful,listen,and there always seems to come a point in a relationship where...they start to change. from kind,sweet and caring,they go to..being verbally abusive, agressive although they don't do it conciously however that is worse and sad to say...but I end up being their doormat,the one who always reats them right,the one that's always there for you,the one that will always give you a chance again no matter how bad you treated me and about my feelings...they generally all cared very little for. if ever.now someone will say I don't have confidence and am insecure in order to let myself be bullied like this but that is not the case,I am a very willful person and am very confident in everything I do..I just have a problem when I love someone, I always try to find exucses,even if they are treating me bad, I try to find the most insane excuses for them and make believe they are good..and when I say make believe I mean full force...the type where,if he came home with a bloody knife and clothes and say to me he was just painting I'd know the truth deep inside but yet I'd believe him because I'd force myself to..maybe it's having too much faith in people,when I really care for someone ( which is thank God rare,nrealy unaspected Venus in Aqua ) I try to find excuses for their bad behavior,not pretending that it isn't there just believing that the other person is good in his core and wouldn't do something bad...
some may now say '' you don't have a backbone '' but yes I do,in everything else....except love.

I'm not trying to paint myself as a Mother Theresa but when I'm in a relationship,and when I do care,I don't see how I'm a bad girlfriend...since I generally tend to think about the needs of others more than I think of my own. I don't know what can point that in my chart, the make believe thing is maybe Moon opp. Neptune but the rest...


It's weird cause I always feel guilt too,when someone bashes me,or when a boyfriend of mine neglects me,or acts mean to me,when I do say hurtful things back ( my scorpio ) I start feeling all guilty '' he didn't deserve it'' when in fact,he deserved that and plenty more.

These traits of mine when I care worry me,because it's like I become a dog,when you treat me really bad I can bark,say hurtful things to you and seem oh so strong,but at the end I am always the good little doormat that comes back and listens to your problems even when youve walked all over me.

To add,it's funny because I have a whole other side how I portray myself when someone I care for as a boyfriend hurts me,I become all though and fight for myself and stand up,yatta yatta but inside I feel like I wrote in the post above..I just feel like I have this shell that looks hard but deep inside it's not that good..The worst thing is,when I start standing up for myself I start feeling guilty '' I was too mean,he didn't deserve that,I should show more understanding'' and I hate that,how I behave all strong and '' I won't bare with your $hit '' type of attitude and then...I start thinking about their feelings,how I may have hurt them with my words oh but it's important none of them ever really thought how their actions/words hurt me.