warrior rising
Member
Someone pointed me here, this was originally posted under transits.
(if ya'll wanna check my chart, my birth info is feb 7, 2000, at exactly 9am, Valenzuela, Philippines)
Just a quick backstory, my OCD got triggered August 16 last year, I was prescribed an antipsychotic and antidepressant early this year (February), been on it for 8 months including the withdrawal process. I was prescribed an antipsychotic as a sleeping pill (I had no trouble sleeping prior that). Nobody told me that it's v harmful and it can change my brain permanently. Covid happened and I wasn't able to go back to my psychiatrist. My mom is a pharmacist and she decided she can just make the decisions for me. She told me I don't need a psychiatrist anymore, I just need to blindly trust in the meds. She actually has a habit of patterning our lives from her own life. She had a mild depression before and she was cured by just taking her prescribed meds without the supervision of a professional. I think at about month 5/6, I started feeling really flat, creative thinking has been reduced and so I told her that I wanna stop it but I was threatened to continue taking them... So I took them until October 14 (when I finally convinced her). I feel so lost now, I don't know how to live my life, it feels like I don't want anything from life now so there's no point in living. You can't fight if you feel like you have nothing to fight for. It's been weeks now, I still feel nothing.
The thing with anhedonia is it's v different from depression. Whereas depression is like feeling no motivation bc life in general seems hard. In anhedonia, there's no motivation bc you really have no motivation or feelings of pleasure. Dopamine receptors (reward system) are blocked. You have really no reason for feeling this way. So I don't think a career change would suffice with anhedonia. It won't still feel rewarding or intuitively right. Everything feels flat, watching movie, listening to music, reading, nothing feels rewarding. This is what I can't accept... the things made for entertainment can't even entertain me. Listening to Lorde's Liability and not feeling anything, watching La La Land but the music feels like noise or watching bohemian rhapsody without feeling inspired in any way. When they don't evoke these kinds of feelings you know you're f*****. You still feel sad tho and all the negative feelings. So I kinda feel envious of my sister bc she still has kpop and activism to live for. My brother bc he has rock music to live for. When everyone's happy, I feel envy and longing for the life I used to have. Depression has a cure, you can't guarantee a cure with this condition tho. Some only took it for 6 months and 7 years later, there's still no recovery. I think it's also important to say that I was taking a dose lower than the advisable dose (quetiapine 12.5mg, lexapro 5 mg) if ya'll look it up at drugs.com. That's the only hope I have? Like maybe this is just short term but oh I read that article stating that the dose isn't really an indicator of the duration of effects. Low doses can still have permanent effects. I think the greatest nightmare for ppl with anxiety disorders is to be faced with the unknown.
I think it's really unfair. It is no way of living! I'd rather die than to live a life of coping. As long as I have this, I have no purpose (I don't even feel strongly now for my humanitarian ideals). I would rather have my OCD back than this bc OCD can be cured and there really is no guarantee with this (I can recover tomorrow or at the age of 70). I know the only way to truly live is to recover and I need to push through until I'm back 100% to who I was before this.
I don't think I would want to leave the creative field... It's where all my aspirations (if I were normal now) lie. And once you feel the highs of inspiration and being artistic, you will want to go back and chase after that feeling again. BUT ****, every astrology app says otherwise, that I need to accept this change, I'm going to transition to a new way of living, losing things. Which means... living like a robot? I needed to delete them all to salvage what's left of my mental health. But even as I do recovery practices, they seem to sneak their way in my brain and it's v demotivating so I feel like I'm just canceling out the progress I get. Maybe I'm also depressed bc of anhedonia?
I also don't feel like I have any support grp, ppl can't understand what I'm going through atm.
I guess I'm here bc I still wanna fight. I wanna hear that it's only temporary... so is it? If you answer yes, how do I get to that point of recovery? (if it's possible with horary reading) Please, I really need clear cut answers, not the ominous, ambiguous type of answers. Thank you.
I also am confused about the chart system to use... so first pic is regiomontanus, second is whole house (i think?), third is placidus. Feel free to use anything. Thanksss!
(if ya'll wanna check my chart, my birth info is feb 7, 2000, at exactly 9am, Valenzuela, Philippines)
Just a quick backstory, my OCD got triggered August 16 last year, I was prescribed an antipsychotic and antidepressant early this year (February), been on it for 8 months including the withdrawal process. I was prescribed an antipsychotic as a sleeping pill (I had no trouble sleeping prior that). Nobody told me that it's v harmful and it can change my brain permanently. Covid happened and I wasn't able to go back to my psychiatrist. My mom is a pharmacist and she decided she can just make the decisions for me. She told me I don't need a psychiatrist anymore, I just need to blindly trust in the meds. She actually has a habit of patterning our lives from her own life. She had a mild depression before and she was cured by just taking her prescribed meds without the supervision of a professional. I think at about month 5/6, I started feeling really flat, creative thinking has been reduced and so I told her that I wanna stop it but I was threatened to continue taking them... So I took them until October 14 (when I finally convinced her). I feel so lost now, I don't know how to live my life, it feels like I don't want anything from life now so there's no point in living. You can't fight if you feel like you have nothing to fight for. It's been weeks now, I still feel nothing.
The thing with anhedonia is it's v different from depression. Whereas depression is like feeling no motivation bc life in general seems hard. In anhedonia, there's no motivation bc you really have no motivation or feelings of pleasure. Dopamine receptors (reward system) are blocked. You have really no reason for feeling this way. So I don't think a career change would suffice with anhedonia. It won't still feel rewarding or intuitively right. Everything feels flat, watching movie, listening to music, reading, nothing feels rewarding. This is what I can't accept... the things made for entertainment can't even entertain me. Listening to Lorde's Liability and not feeling anything, watching La La Land but the music feels like noise or watching bohemian rhapsody without feeling inspired in any way. When they don't evoke these kinds of feelings you know you're f*****. You still feel sad tho and all the negative feelings. So I kinda feel envious of my sister bc she still has kpop and activism to live for. My brother bc he has rock music to live for. When everyone's happy, I feel envy and longing for the life I used to have. Depression has a cure, you can't guarantee a cure with this condition tho. Some only took it for 6 months and 7 years later, there's still no recovery. I think it's also important to say that I was taking a dose lower than the advisable dose (quetiapine 12.5mg, lexapro 5 mg) if ya'll look it up at drugs.com. That's the only hope I have? Like maybe this is just short term but oh I read that article stating that the dose isn't really an indicator of the duration of effects. Low doses can still have permanent effects. I think the greatest nightmare for ppl with anxiety disorders is to be faced with the unknown.
I think it's really unfair. It is no way of living! I'd rather die than to live a life of coping. As long as I have this, I have no purpose (I don't even feel strongly now for my humanitarian ideals). I would rather have my OCD back than this bc OCD can be cured and there really is no guarantee with this (I can recover tomorrow or at the age of 70). I know the only way to truly live is to recover and I need to push through until I'm back 100% to who I was before this.
I don't think I would want to leave the creative field... It's where all my aspirations (if I were normal now) lie. And once you feel the highs of inspiration and being artistic, you will want to go back and chase after that feeling again. BUT ****, every astrology app says otherwise, that I need to accept this change, I'm going to transition to a new way of living, losing things. Which means... living like a robot? I needed to delete them all to salvage what's left of my mental health. But even as I do recovery practices, they seem to sneak their way in my brain and it's v demotivating so I feel like I'm just canceling out the progress I get. Maybe I'm also depressed bc of anhedonia?
I also don't feel like I have any support grp, ppl can't understand what I'm going through atm.
I guess I'm here bc I still wanna fight. I wanna hear that it's only temporary... so is it? If you answer yes, how do I get to that point of recovery? (if it's possible with horary reading) Please, I really need clear cut answers, not the ominous, ambiguous type of answers. Thank you.
I also am confused about the chart system to use... so first pic is regiomontanus, second is whole house (i think?), third is placidus. Feel free to use anything. Thanksss!
