Extremely complex destiny in need of clarifications...

Hi, my name is Alain, this is my first (or second, if to count the introduction) post on the forum.

I was born on the 23.10.1987 in Lille, France, at 09:40 local time. I am considered to be a Libra-Scorpio, but more often that not i found myself to be perfectly fitting the profile of a double-Scorpio. To make the long story short, i am posting here a poem that perfectly describes my general life situation. Together with it, i am posting the birth data of the 5 most influential persons in my life from the past and present.

MY PURPOSE

My purpose is to be born and to live with the constant feeling of dying
To walk, with the constant impression of being on the edge, ready to fall-over
To breathe, with the constant feeling of not having enough air
To see so much and so well, as to become blind
To have a saturated soul, but to live in never-ending emptiness
To feel so deep and strong, to ultimately loose my heart.

My purpose was to be built as an iron soldier with a childish motionless face
To walk through melting iron, not having the right to stop cause if i stop, i would immediately drown and melt in the matter that i was created from.
I was meant to walk through bullets and shells, and after having survived a hundred shots - to be shot by someone from the back, while healing my wounds;
I was meant to be drowning in a storm and after miraculously surviving and getting on firm land, to be met and to be thrown into the water again, by the very those who i believed my own saviors;
I was meant to watch more than what my eyes can see, until my soul becomes saturated, and then to walk, and then to drown; again and again...
I was meant to lose everything i love, but not to be allowed to create anything again
- meant to grow without roots, to breathe without air - to live suspended in nothingness
To be hurt a hundred times and that when i finally see love - to get hurt a hundred of times more. And then to die, and then to be born again.

Meant to endlessly walk within a circle where each apparent exit leads just to another hole to fall through, lower and lower, each time closer to the underworld.

Meant, to spend years in a dark tunnel and that when i finally see light at the end and start running towards it, to get crashed by random incoming traffic, purposely; to be punished in the most severe way for every ounce of joy and hope that dares to sparkle within me.

So, why, for that purpose, i have been given a heart at all?

That must have been an evil manufacturing mistake.

-

1 - 07.06.1987, 15:00 [Arandjelovac] (my first love, for 13 years, from elementary school)
2 - 30.05.1986, 09:40 [Moscow] (my first wife, the person who triggered the events that led to the death of my grand-mother and almost pushed to my own, tried to kill herself several times in the last years)
3 - 29.08.1979, 03:00 [Kurilsk] The person who i met right after that tragic period ended and towards who i experienced probably the most powerful emotions to date. Our first break-up wounded me horribly, the second one happened this year.
4 - 10.03.1977, 07:00 [Ivano-Frankovsk] The first person who i met after releasing the previous one[3] from my soul after 5 years, i felt as if the universe sort of exchanged them or as if she was the entrance to 'another level'.
5 - 27.02.1985, 15:00 [Kosovska Mitrovica] Current emotional attachment, person towards who i felt the greatest spiritual connection ever.

This is my chart:

astro_w2gw_01_alain_hp.85302.45446.gif

Needless to say, i'm starting to feel cursed.

Thank you.
 
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JUPITERASC

Well-known member
Hi, my name is Alain, this is my first (or second, if to count the introduction) post on the forum.

I was born on the 23.10.1987 in Lille, France, at 09:40 local time. I am considered to be a Libra-Scorpio, but more often that not i found myself to be perfectly fitting the profile of a double-Scorpio. To make the long story short, i am posting here a poem that perfectly describes my general life situation. Together with it, i am posting the birth data of the 5 most influential persons in my life from the past and present..

IMPORTANT TO READ THE RULES OF THE FORUM http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/faq.php

QUOTE

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Please know that you should take your own risks if you decide to trust someone else with their astrological services, as this forum does not undertake any responsibility for any astrological services, especially those offered against a fee, via this forum in any form: through public forums or chat, private messages or emails.

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The main question: is there an exit to those recurrent cycles of separation and destruction, that is the ultimate point of each emotional attachment i have or try to create(?). The sub-question would be: is there any sense for me to keep trying to find a person with who i could form a family together after so many landmark failures, or i should just give up and dedicate myself to other things in life?

More clarifications:

I had a pretty happy childhood (with my grand-parents), followed by a very difficult period between 11 and 18 (loss and separation from pretty much everything i loved), followed by another extremely difficult period between 20 and 21 roughly where i neared death several times. The worst period in my life ranged from 23.09.2007 to 02.07.2008. That was the second 'reset'.

I had, less or more 3 comparable resets in my life, loosing abruptly and often violently all connections (national, emotional, geographical...), like starting the life from zero, on at least one level. The nightmares (or hell, to express myself more precisely) starts from the moment that i attempt to form emotional attachments, leading to relationships and family. The trend only accelerated for the last 1.5 years, meeting more persons, living more failures.

I traveled extensively, being very interested in foreign civilizations, visiting countries on all continents expect Africa and Oceania while living in 7 of them so far. I'm very deeply into human sciences (philosophy, psychology...) and spiritual matters (some called me a psychic), creation, arts.

Having lost my entire family as very young, i am today keen of creating my own one, not that much for my needs but cause i would be very happy to share and offer to others (wife, children) what i was offered as a child and what i learned throughout my life. Previously i suffered from acute loneliness (15-early twenties), which is today not the case after i changed myself tremendously and reconnected with my own. Despite all that, i have no personal issues and feel in harmony with myself.

The main question i have and the biggest obstacle i face in my life is that almost all the women who i meet, instead of inducing growth and creation, end up actually being the catalizators of such tragic if not horrific events in my life (that led me almost to death several times), 'resets' or in the best case being good persons but just unable to build an emotional relationship due to the quantity of their own pain buried inside them that they're saturated with.

Little by little, after having recovered from the worst of events some years ago, i am getting slowly destroyed and emotionally, nervously exhausted of such redundant processes on a smaller scale, about to loose any faith in love and lasting human connections. I had similar problems (betrayals etc.) with friends and family as well, only for the last 2 years i'm meeting friends who i can trust but in what regards love i'm equally desperate.

I would be highly grateful for any clarification on those matters from the astrological point of view. I'll post any other information if needed.

Thank you.

PS: I would say that most of persons who i meet suffer from heavy traumas they inherited from their parents who, nevertheless, they refuse to leave and give themselves a chance to heal and create their own lives. They become just ruined copies of their parents (mostly mother's) patterns and behaviors. I did separate, quite violently, from all the bad aspects of my family when i was 15 and cleansed my psyche in depth, laid new foundations. The main topic of the first 3 relationships was me fighting for them to abandon their traumatic heritage and make a comeback to themselves and to their own essence, in vain. They were more afriad of love/life than to continue living like that.
 
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Zarathu

Account Closed
What you are asking for here is a full chart analysis, and then a full relationship analysis and then a future analysis.

This would take at least 3 hours of works and is well beyond what most astrologers here are will to offer for free to someone that just arrived on the forum.

After having read all of your information, I don't quite know where to start. If you'd like to understand the most significant aspects in your current natal chart, the most significant emotional challenge, and the most significant mental challenge, then I can probably assist you. If you want the whole ball of wax here, I simply don't have time. Perhaps someone else does.
 
"If you'd like to understand the most significant aspects in your current natal chart, the most significant emotional challenge, and the most significant mental challenge, then I can probably assist you."

That's all what i asked and that's all what i would like to learn about, nothing more than that. I'm sorry if it appeared otherwise, i was asked for more details and tried to provide the most possible. So it was a misunderstanding i guess. I posted that 'poem' in order to make it more simple and relay the message that my issues are mostly relational and quite violent or surreal at the same time.

Then i posted the dates of some persons concerned in the case someone would want to check 'what's it about', without expecting that someone would necessarily do it, so just in case someone may take interest cause the situation is not that usual. I saw other junior members asking similar questions. Thanks anyway.
 
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kshantaram

Premium Member
saturn sagittarius first house, philosophical and sense of justice. saturn aspects own acquarius 3rd protective of initiative,
but not good for health of siblings.

mars-venus lords 1/7 libra-scorpio 2/12 from each other seeking mutually inclined relationships, but more by mere attractions.


moon-mercury-venus scorpio, occult inclinations, moon debilated dark pit of scorpio 12th, secretive, sentimental, suspicious, reserved, research aptitude. could be inclined to study of psychology.

debilation of moon scorpio cancelled, venus lord of it's elevation over asc sign conjunct moon, slow pace of growth however.

moon elevated aspect over taurus 6th protective of health and employment prospects, prefering to work in creative environments. venus aspects own taurus 6th too.


sun-mars libra, prone to stormy anger perhaps. sun debilated libra weak wavering decision making. debilation cancelled as lord venus over asc sign, but tends to slow pace of growth

- sun 11th debilated libra, slow gains income-friendships, inclined to well placed people in govt/corporates/society.

mars 10th action oriented leadership.

sun libra 11th elevated aspect over aries 5th promoting education, romance, children, position.
mars too aspects own aries and protective.


jupiter-rahu aries 5th impulsive clouded wisdom impacting decision making with bias, impacting education, advisory roles, romance, etc while could have acting skills camouflaging original emotions. rahu 5th inclined to foreigner/other races.

jupiter retrograde towards own pisces 4th, wise and sensitive, the spiritual triangle, trining and aspecting and containing the stress of moon-mercury-venus scorpio, while can promote occult and research aptitudes and aptitude for psychology., while trining and aspecting cancer it's sign of elevation. retro jupiter 5th delays in education, romance, advisory position.


currently saturn-rahu transit occult scorpio 12th over debilated moon under stress.

jupiter turns direct elevated cancer come March, trining and aspecting scorpio containing stress of saturn-rahu transit scorpio and feeling better. jupiter cancer also trines and aspects own pisces 4th promoting domestic comforts and peace and property matters, and mother's health.

elevated jupiter however makes debilated aspect over capricorn 2nd impacting family-finances-speech, to care for.


ketu the node transit taurus 6th, impacting health, tending to job separation, aggressive with opponents.


hope jupiter direct elevated cancer trine scorpio brings relief and calm, promoting occult understanding and spirituality.


saturn next moves to natal saturn sagittarius first house need to take long term decisions of life.


natal saturn as lord 2nd negates to the first house, negating finances and family/relationships.
saturn sagittarius philosophical and sense of justice.


sun libra highest planetary degrees flair of the personality, seeking sociability;

while jupiter aries 5th 2nd highest degrees factor for vocation tending to educational/advisory roles, but jupiter retro hence an element of delay. retro jupiter acting like elevated jupiter as is said, thus strong. jupiter aries trines and aspects leo 9th for luck, higher learnings. aspects sun-mars libra opposite promoting career and gains. as well as trines and aspects natal saturn sagittarius first house promoting sense of law and justice and philosophical attitude, and good health.


hope generic observations enable reflect further, find relevant and useful enough; could share feedbacks!

wishing well,


kshantaram
 
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I wish to thank both of you for your attention and replies. Thank you @Kshantaram for your chart interpretation which was extremely accurate. I was only surprised to see not particular emotional burdens/troubles in it. To tell the truth, i don't actually have any emotional troubles myself, they're mostly caused by the (wrong or right, i'll leave it up to destiny) other people in my life.

@Caprising - No, not only i don't have memories of my parents from the early childhood but i was never even attracted to girls who are like my mother (what should be the rule, according to psychology). For me the only explanation so far could be that i was meeting people who are in need of help, but more often than not, they would turn their back on me violently as soon as they (think that) they are starting to feel better. Then i become nothing less than a bad memory of their previous life-low. My ex-wife, who i almost saved from death, disappeared at the moment my grand-mother died (partly due to her fault) while an ex-girlfriend who was like a sister for me committed suicide soon after that. She (the wife) even didn't call to ask how i am or say a word for 5 years, when she asked for redemption and forgiveness. Anyway, she's almost the typical example of people that i was surrounded with until maybe 2 years ago (a Gemini, they were all around me), who just shown her true nature under such circumstances.

Lately, i started meeting better people, first as friends and only very recently as women (the last person whose birthdate i provided) while all remains still complicated nevertheless.
 
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theV

Well-known member
I feel sympathy towards you and I hope you get better,taking a quick look to you chart I see a strong 12th house, the house of insecurity,having moon conjunct pluto there could indicate feel of disempowerment, plus your sun is moving to the 12th house to
 
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