I’ve always been the shy and quiet type and it seems to have escalated into social anxiety or disorder over the years. At first I thought it was just normal for some people to have only quite a few friends in their entire lives. Maybe that's just who I am - I just have different interests among my peers and I am just a unique tough nut to crack. Maybe it's just my personality. But when I started being quite the loner during long stretches of my adolescent life with 1 to 0 friends, a stretch that continues until now, I started wondering that maybe I'm unlikeable, boring and unpleasant as a human being, that maybe I need to try hard to be more pleasant and outgoing and find people with similar interests as me. And try darn hard and be pretentious I did. Eventually, the masquerade began to feel exhausting. Sure, that masquerade earned me people to hang out with but I never had truly friends. I'd rather be alone in a crowd than to be lonely in a group of friends. Until it came to that point that I just accepted the fact that maybe I am totally socially inept and too insecure.
Around 2010, I started cutting myself off from people, thinking that they probably would not want to be friends and that I don't have anything to share with them either. I totally withdrew myself from the society - no texts, no facebook or social networks whatsoever. I’m not sure where this came from. Nevertheless, I withdrew myself. It’s strange, but I seem to have become more confident in myself yet I cannot seem to make relationships anymore. I spend my lunch hour alone. Right now, my only closest friend who I can be around with is my elder sister. I have trouble looking people in the eye or saying something as simple as “hi.” I opted out of social networks to connect with people I knew before, but instead joined internet forums like this where I can talk to strangers who share my interests. It's also funny that I find it easy to talk (and I actually enjoy it) to strangers rather than people who know me. I can talk one on one with people but cannot approach a bunch of people and join in conversation.
I started to put up a "I don't care about what people think of me" attitude but deep inside I was troubled that I was forever ruined and scarred and that there is something wrong with me. Until one day I decided to take up an online exam about personality disorder and it came up with the result that I may be a schizoid and a bit schizotypal and that I most probably have an avoidant personality disorder. According to Wiki:
What do you guys think? Do I really have a personality disorder or is it just simply inherent to my personality?
Around 2010, I started cutting myself off from people, thinking that they probably would not want to be friends and that I don't have anything to share with them either. I totally withdrew myself from the society - no texts, no facebook or social networks whatsoever. I’m not sure where this came from. Nevertheless, I withdrew myself. It’s strange, but I seem to have become more confident in myself yet I cannot seem to make relationships anymore. I spend my lunch hour alone. Right now, my only closest friend who I can be around with is my elder sister. I have trouble looking people in the eye or saying something as simple as “hi.” I opted out of social networks to connect with people I knew before, but instead joined internet forums like this where I can talk to strangers who share my interests. It's also funny that I find it easy to talk (and I actually enjoy it) to strangers rather than people who know me. I can talk one on one with people but cannot approach a bunch of people and join in conversation.
I started to put up a "I don't care about what people think of me" attitude but deep inside I was troubled that I was forever ruined and scarred and that there is something wrong with me. Until one day I decided to take up an online exam about personality disorder and it came up with the result that I may be a schizoid and a bit schizotypal and that I most probably have an avoidant personality disorder. According to Wiki:
Now I am a huge cynic and I don't let silly little online quizzes like that dictate my life, but seeing, reading and learning about the results is like an AHA moment in my life - the description is so me to a T and I am a bit relieved that finally I can put a label into that nameless "something wrong with me" that I have been trying to pinpoint my whole life. Also, I just remembered of how my parents used to suspect me and my sister of having an inferiority complex as children. So I may have been afflicted since I was a kid after all.Avoidant Hesitant, self-conscious, embarrassed, anxious. Tense in social situations due to fear of rejection. Plagued by constant performance anxiety. See themselves as inept, inferior, or unappealing. They experience long-standing feelings of inadequacy and are very sensitive of what others think about them.[32]
Schizoid Apathetic, indifferent, remote, solitary, distant, humorless. Neither desire nor need human attachments. Withdrawn from relationships and prefer to be alone. Little interest in others, often seen as a loner. Minimal awareness of the feelings of themself or others. Few drives or ambitions, if any. Is an uncommon condition in which people avoid social activities and consistently shy away from interaction with others. It affects more males than females. To others, they may appear somewhat dull or humorless. Because they don't tend to show emotion, they may appear as though they don't care about what's going on around them.[26]
What do you guys think? Do I really have a personality disorder or is it just simply inherent to my personality?
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