In need of some light in the darkness

moonkat235 · Feb 21, 2019

Lykanized said:
I've contemplated the familial link, the genetic predispositions. My family is all heavily predisposed to anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. Schizophrenia possibly just being an another manifestation of bipolar is highly likely. I mean how much research has been done on the actual physical manifestations in the brain as opposed to just observed and experienced traits? In fact sometimes I question if paranoid schizophrenia isn't extreme anxiety

Interesting fact, I was diagnosed bipolar 1 with anxiety, my sister schizophrenic, and mom depression with anxiety which she's dealt with since she was a kid. I have to admit, I see my bipolar disorder as a gift. My mom is psychic but she chooses for religious reasons not to explore her psychic gifts and she prayed for her astral journeying to end. I've had my own psychic anomalies and a strong intuition. My sister I believe has gifts as well which she could explore if she chooses to. So what if it's moreso psychic gifts ready to be explored that run in the family? Also, both my sister and I had episodes of sleep paralysis and being attacked by shadow beings at night as kids. I'm not sure how often she did, but I did nearly every night

There's another aspect of this and it's also why I love the show Legion which deals with psychic abilities in the Marvel universe. What if the real illness is in believing these things to be manifestations of an illness? Even in the cases where they're destructive... we must traverse darkness to find our light

But I don't know anything about biology ;( lmao
I do see it's true environmental factors are very real

You're right about that communication thing. I don't think I'm very good at that

I agree. I think the negative connotations we have with mental 'illness' in general negates the possibility of societal integration and benefit. In my opinion, we shouldn't be focused on eliminating mental illness, but rather we should focus on healthy coping mechanisms so that people with diverse psychological patterns can still function.

In gifted children (and adults), there's a high number of 'twice exceptional' individuals, meaning they have a highly developed gift for math, science, language or the arts, but also have a learning disability in a different area. For instance, the math wiz with dyslexia. I think it's limiting to view the dyslexia as a deficit. Even though it's more difficult to learn reading the way we usually teach it, maybe the dyslexic is able to see patterns the general population can't, leading (in this example) to the math wiz. Idk, just a thought.

Your family story is really interesting. I like hearing about them. My adopted family is pretty interesting too and I frequently wonder how my birth parents are and what they're like. My brother has severe debilitating bipolar (I think because of how he was treated - psychiatrically and psychologically), dyslexia, dyscalculia, OCD, anxiety, depression, Asperger's. My father once told me he'll never make a contribution to society and I should feel sorry for him. I have a complicated relationship with my brother (he's had violent tendencies towards the family since I was very young), but I realized how disempowering my father's belief was/is. I started to empathize with my brother and I'm working towards forgiveness, release, letting go of past suffering.

Also, I used to be terrible at communication. I devoted most of my mental capacity to social interaction at the end of junior high and into high school. I think it just takes practice and lots of social fails and reflection to develop proficiency, as with anything.

Lykanized · Feb 21, 2019

I hope I"m not bouncing around too much. I admit I find it hard to keep my mind from going everywhere, I tend to ramble, sometimes even rant. I've been told by someone who isn't very intuitive that it's hard to undertand how I get from one place to another when communicating, but I think 99% of the people here, including you, are intuitive. I could be wrong. Maybe it's a communication issue and I'm not very considerate of others. But I find it very very hard to because I think a certain way and I don't know how others think or what they see or understand

moonkat235 · Feb 21, 2019

Lykanized said:
However, I still don't believe any of these are strictly of the same causes. I think they're just part of the colorful spectrum of human experience. Sometimes these experiences get extreme. Some people are faced with even more extremes. Sometimes as you've described, it may be more spiritual, like a spiritual entity attached to us. But I have to admit, I need a link to that spiritual emergency page you linked a while back. I'm very sorry I never read it, I've been very distracted at times with my personal ******** lmao

I'm of the belief too that we live in an age of spiritual distraction so it's easy to become spiritually ill. I believe it's also on purpose and that's why there's a crucial spiritual revival right now and why a change is coming

haha Here it is! It's an interesting read!

https://religiondocbox.com/Alternat...ng-and-treatment-of-transpersonal-crises.html

moonkat235 · Feb 21, 2019

Lykanized said:
I hope I"m not bouncing around too much. I admit I find it hard to keep my mind from going everywhere, I tend to ramble, sometimes even rant. I've been told by someone who isn't very intuitive that it's hard to undertand how I get from one place to another when communicating, but I think 99% of the people here, including you, are intuitive. I could be wrong. Maybe it's a communication issue and I'm not very considerate of others. But I find it very very hard to because I think a certain way and I don't know how others think or what they see or understand

Idk, I'm following your thought process pretty easily. I don't think you bounce around as much as you think. In my fiction writing class, we discussed how fiction is an exercise in 'radical empathy'. That resonated with me and I realized it had wide-ranging applications for my life and could enhance and enrich my social interactions. I try to empathize when I can. If someone allows me, I feel like I can see into them, feel them on some level. I think it aids me in being the person I want to be.

Lykanized · Feb 21, 2019

moonkat235 said:
I agree. I think the negative connotations we have with mental 'illness' in general negates the possibility of societal integration and benefit. In my opinion, we shouldn't be focused on eliminating mental illness, but rather we should focus on healthy coping mechanisms so that people with diverse psychological patterns can still function.

In gifted children (and adults), there's a high number of 'twice exceptional' individuals, meaning they have a highly developed gift for math, science, language or the arts, but also have a learning disability in a different area. For instance, the math wiz with dyslexia. I think it's limiting to view the dyslexia as a deficit. Even though it's more difficult to learn reading the way we usually teach it, maybe the dyslexic is able to see patterns the general population can't, leading (in this example) to the math wiz. Idk, just a thought.

Your family story is really interesting. I like hearing about them. My adopted family is pretty interesting too and I frequently wonder how my birth parents are and what they're like. My brother has severe debilitating bipolar (I think because of how he was treated - psychiatrically and psychologically), dyslexia, dyscalculia, OCD, anxiety, depression. My father once told me he'll never make a contribution to society and I should feel sorry for him. I have a complicated relationship with my brother (he's had violent tendencies towards the family since I was very young), but I realized how disempowering my father's belief was/is. I started to empathize with my brother and I'm working towards forgiveness, release, letting go of past suffering.

Also, I used to be terrible at communication. I devoted most of my mental capacity to social interaction at the end of junior high and into high school. I think it just takes practice and lots of social fails and reflection to develop proficiency, as with anything.

I agree 100000% with your first paragraph. Imagine the power people can harness by learning to cope with their ''illnesses''. They may learn to reap the benefits while not being dysfunctional. And I have to say, I believe modern Western society to be dysfunctional and perhaps people with these 'illnesses' may in fact be more ancient souls, not to be egotistical. It's just a thought. I don't believe I'm special

And I'm glad you brought up gifted children. For one, how many geniuses and innovators throughout history have been theorized to have been mentally ill? What if mental illness is the gift and it's not an illness at all, these individuals are just more extreme and need a different means of nourishment than other individuals as they're growing up? As for dyslexia, I agree too. And even if it is a deficit, humans are very adaptable creatures. Where we have a deficit in a crucial survival tool, our minds compensate in other areas. And then you're right, it's possible they just have an alternative and beautiful level of perception. Maybe they do see patterns most people don't. I need to do more research on dyslexia as I'm so interested in language and its link to perception, thought, symbolism, psychology, etc

I have an uncle who bipolar-schizophrenic and he was always treated as if he needed to be babied because he was ill and thus he still lives with his mother in his 60s, has become alcoholic and drug addicted. He's a very paranoid schizophrenic. Something I've noticed is that he'll rant and rant and rant about the government, radiation poisoning, various other methods of toxins that most people don't notice, and other things, but he's not actually wrong about what he says of some things and the rest I'm not educated on enough to know. For instance, he's right about radiation. We're constantly being bombarded with radiation and most people don't know it. He's just obsessive

How does your brother's bipolar disorder manifest? Even within bipolar, it's recognized as a spectrum and everyone has very different symptoms. With my bipolar disorder, I never saw myself as going from one pole to another. I see myself as going from one extreme to another which is different because it's not about going from extremely happy, to normal, to depressed, altho I do deal with depression and I've had issues with impulsivity

With your brother, did your dad tell him very often that he'd never make a contribution to society? I recognize that some people with bipolar disorder do have those violent tendencies, but I also think that when a person is inclined to one extreme, they have a natural connection to the other extreme. I wonder if your bother had been guided, he may have actually been meant to become a healer of some kind. But I don't want to make assumptions since I don't know your brother

I'm very impulsive by nature. Lately I've been learning the value of moderation whereas in the past, I was very shamelessly pleasureseeking and I didn't see why there would be any need to tone myself down. It was like living to drain the pleasure out of everything I did which I liken very often to listening to a song until it becomes white noise. But if you go with moderation, it never becomes white noise. The pleasure is drawn out or perhaps never goes away

Sexually I used to go at it like a wild animal, my sexuality untamed. But I've expressed on the forum before I'm more interested now in learning to tame the beast and draw out the pleasure which actually leads to a much greater orgasm

Not to get very negative, but I feel as if I'm too odd sometimes to communicate with most people. Like I'm just on a different wavelength... a very very different wavelength. I made a thread about it once trying to identify in my chart why it might be. It's probably my afflicted Mercury(especially since it's unconventional rebel Uranus and dreamy otherwordly Neptune that make close oppositions and Pluto being in my 3rd house). But idk. I've expressed here pretty shamelessly that I've discovered my soul is alien, quite literally alien. My higher self is. And to boot, my higher self is one of 'eternal knowledge' which would mean she holds a great amount of knowledge that's very otherworldly

I just don't feel I fit in at all, I don't feel like I can connect with most people and sometimes it's painful, but then I can find people I do connect with online like you and some others on this site <3

Lykanized · Feb 21, 2019

moonkat235 said:
Idk, I'm following your thought process pretty easily. I don't think you bounce around as much as you think. In my fiction writing class, we discussed how fiction is an exercise in 'radical empathy'. That resonated with me and I realized it had wide-ranging applications for my life and could enhance and enrich my social interactions. I try to empathize when I can. If someone allows me, I feel like I can see into them, feel them on some level. I think it aids me in being the person I want to be.

I think you're a highly gifted and intuitive individual. You've talked about a guide of sorts who's visited you in your dreams if I remember correctly. And I know you've journeyed your whole life. Did you at any point question your sanity?

Oddly enough, despite my communication difficulties or difficulties connecting mentally with others, I'm very tuned into others' emotions. In fact I actually become a sponge if I'm not careful

Lykanized · Feb 21, 2019

I'm reading that spiritual emergency link still, but I wanted to add that I've gone through acute episodes of psychosis where it feels like all of my reality is falling apart and I'm questioning what's real and what's not. What I discovered is that they're like growing pains. Mind and consciousness expanding rapidly, but they have to make room for something new and that can be a process of destruction and reconstruction. This is something that can happen at a slower pace and in that case, it doesn't become psychosis. Odd, eh? Just adds to my theories about 'mental illness'

With my Pluto 3rd house I can be destructive mentally and push my own boundaries and find myself unable to stop because I'm so passionate about truth. And so I eventually get to a point where something breaks and I have to make room for the new. A the end of it all, I find myself blessed with massive insights, almost like ecstasy, these insights

On the same note, at the end of an emotional break, I find myself with new insights just the same and a burst of energy to approach life which some might see as bipolar

moonkat235 · Feb 21, 2019

Lykanized said:
I agree 100000% with your first paragraph. Imagine the power people can harness by learning to cope with their ''illnesses''. They may learn to reap the benefits while not being dysfunctional. And I have to say, I believe modern Western society to be dysfunctional and perhaps people with these 'illnesses' may in fact be more ancient souls, not to be egotistical. It's just a thought. I don't believe I'm special

And I'm glad you brought up gifted children. For one, how many geniuses and innovators throughout history have been theorized to have been mentally ill? What if mental illness is the gift and it's not an illness at all, these individuals are just more extreme and need a different means of nourishment than other individuals as they're growing up? As for dyslexia, I agree too. And even if it is a deficit, humans are very adaptable creatures. Where we have a deficit in a crucial survival tool, our minds compensate in other areas. And then you're right, it's possible they just have an alternative and beautiful level of perception. Maybe they do see patterns most people don't. I need to do more research on dyslexia as I'm so interested in language and its link to perception, thought, symbolism, psychology, etc

I have an uncle who bipolar-schizophrenic and he was always treated as if he needed to be babied because he was ill and thus he still lives with his mother in his 60s, has become alcoholic and drug addicted. He's a very paranoid schizophrenic. Something I've noticed is that he'll rant and rant and rant about the government, radiation poisoning, various other methods of toxins that most people don't notice, and other things, but he's not actually wrong about what he says of some things and the rest I'm not educated on enough to know. For instance, he's right about radiation. We're constantly being bombarded with radiation and most people don't know it. He's just obsessive

How does your brother's bipolar disorder manifest? Even within bipolar, it's recognized as a spectrum and everyone has very different symptoms. With my bipolar disorder, I never saw myself as going from one pole to another. I see myself as going from one extreme to another which is different because it's not about going from extremely happy, to normal, to depressed, altho I do deal with depression and I've had issues with impulsivity

With your brother, did your dad tell him very often that he'd never make a contribution to society? I recognize that some people with bipolar disorder do have those violent tendencies, but I also think that when a person is inclined to one extreme, they have a natural connection to the other extreme. I wonder if your bother had been guided, he may have actually been meant to become a healer of some kind. But I don't want to make assumptions since I don't know your brother

I'm very impulsive by nature. Lately I've been learning the value of moderation whereas in the past, I was very shamelessly pleasureseeking and I didn't see why there would be any need to tone myself down. It was like living to drain the pleasure out of everything I did which I liken very often to listening to a song until it becomes white noise. But if you go with moderation, it never becomes white noise. The pleasure is drawn out or perhaps never goes away

Sexually I used to go at it like a wild animal, my sexuality untamed. But I've expressed on the forum before I'm more interested now in learning to tame the beast and draw out the pleasure which actually leads to a much greater orgasm

Not to get very negative, but I feel as if I'm too odd sometimes to communicate with most people. Like I'm just on a different wavelength... a very very different wavelength. I made a thread about it once trying to identify in my chart why it might be. It's probably my afflicted Mercury(especially since it's unconventional rebel Uranus and dreamy otherwordly Neptune that make close oppositions and Pluto being in my 3rd house). But idk. I've expressed here pretty shamelessly that I've discovered my soul is alien, quite literally alien. My higher self is. And to boot, my higher self is one of 'eternal knowledge' which would mean she holds a great amount of knowledge that's very otherworldly

I just don't feel I fit in at all, I don't feel like I can connect with most people and sometimes it's painful, but then I can find people I do connect with online like you and some others on this site <3

I don't know how to explain my brother's bipolar anymore. I haven't lived with him in years and I've sort of blocked out a lot of the finer details at this point. He'd go from being really ridiculously happy, cackling, needing to burn off excess energy to lethargic, hateful, suicidal. My parents and I had to talk him out of killing himself or us a lot.

As an illustration, a year ago around New Years, he was really sad that he didn't have a girlfriend, good job, etc., and he believes in the Christian God and said 'let's all go to heaven. I need a gun.' My mom said we don't allow guns in the house. He replied 'I can use a knife instead.' We had to talk him down and I hid all the knives again. I did that a lot as a kid.

Anyway, my parents didn't tell him anything was different about him (even though he was in special education and **** like that) and he always thought he was a little behind but would catch up eventually. He still believes that. Honestly, he should live in a group home. My parents coddle him and allow him to do whatever he wants basically. It's hard to watch.

I'm still an extremist. Quitting addictions cold turkey is extreme to me. I don't know the meaning of moderation. I've vehemently thrown myself into healthy habits like meditation, yoga, and working out. I just know moderation is not my strong suit, so I use my extreme tendencies to my advantage.

I don't think it's all that dark or odd. I feel you on alienation, rejection, suffering from the concept of personal 'otherness'. I think a lot of people feel this way for various reasons. That's why I try to practice empathy and understanding, to find a way for other people to feel connection and maybe in return, they'll reach out to me and I'll feel it too.

Lykanized · Feb 21, 2019

moonkat235 said:
haha Here it is! It's an interesting read!

https://religiondocbox.com/Alternat...ng-and-treatment-of-transpersonal-crises.html

Wow, now that I read it, it's basically saying exactly what I said before reading lol. A thought I've had before is that often what's perceived as an illness is a transformation and it gets halted and stalled when viewed as an illness and thus it gets drawn out and become debilitating. My theory is that if these processes are allowed to happen, even if they feel painful, they last a much shorter amount of time. I've experienced that myself

I see this as part of what I notice in modern Western society a notion that we need to run away from our darkness or pain. I guess it's quite obvious by now that my philosophy is all about embracing darkness and pain and destruction because these forces are really about light, ecstasy, and creation

Btw, a while ago, I posted here a link from someone who believes that some episodes of psychosis are actually individuals experiencing a Shamanic awakening. This guy has a PhD and it's based on his experiences from his own tribe in Africa where any person who starts manifesting 'psychosis' is considered marked by the gods as gifted and they're guided to become Shamans. The process may take weeks or months, but at the end of it, they're no longer suffering but they're able to receive and communicate messages from the beyond or use a variety of other gifts. There was another link to a TEDtalk I had found through a friend explaining the same thing

ok it's gonna take me a while to read that whole link, but I think it's going into the same concept...So wow, thank you for linking me

What was your own spiritual emergency like?

moonkat235 · Feb 21, 2019

Lykanized said:
I think you're a highly gifted and intuitive individual. You've talked about a guide of sorts who's visited you in your dreams if I remember correctly. And I know you've journeyed your whole life. Did you at any point question your sanity?

Oddly enough, despite my communication difficulties or difficulties connecting mentally with others, I'm very tuned into others' emotions. In fact I actually become a sponge if I'm not careful

Yeah, I questioned my sanity all the time. I found it really healing to join here and discord and have conversations about my weird experiences though. I don't question my sanity as much right now.

One thing that really helped me post-psychotic episode was tarot. Before tarot, I thought the only thing keeping me sane was distrust in myself, questioning every thought that went through my head and judging it harshly. If the thought made it through this screening process, I could present it to the world. Tarot really helped me trust my intuition, maybe for the first time ever.

I think real connection stems from tuning into others' emotions. I think examining the root cause of other people's emotions helps you know yourself better too.

moonkat235 · Feb 21, 2019

Okay, I have to sleep, because it's hella early and I have a lot of **** to do today. lol Keep posting and I'll respond later today though! Have a good morning, friend!

Lykanized · Feb 21, 2019

moonkat235 said:
I don't know how to explain my brother's bipolar anymore. I haven't lived with him in years and I've sort of blocked out a lot of the finer details at this point. He'd go from being really ridiculously happy, cackling, needing to burn off excess energy to lethargic, hateful, suicidal. My parents and I had to talk him out of killing himself or us a lot.

As an illustration, a year ago around New Years, he was really sad that he didn't have a girlfriend, good job, etc., and he believes in the Christian God and said 'let's all go to heaven. I need a gun.' My mom said we don't allow guns in the house. He replied 'I can use a knife instead.' We had to talk him down and I hid all the knives again. I did that a lot as a kid.

Anyway, my parents didn't tell him anything was different about him (even though he was in special education and **** like that) and he always thought he was a little behind but would catch up eventually. He still believes that. Honestly, he should live in a group home. My parents coddle him and allow him to do whatever he wants basically. It's hard to watch.

I'm still an extremist. Quitting addictions cold turkey is extreme to me. I don't know the meaning of moderation. I've vehemently thrown myself into healthy habits like meditation, yoga, and working out. I just know moderation is not my strong suit, so I use my extreme tendencies to my advantage.

I don't think it's all that dark or odd. I feel you on alienation, rejection, suffering from the concept of personal 'otherness'. I think a lot of people feel this way for various reasons. That's why I try to practice empathy and understanding, to find a way for other people to feel connection and maybe in return, they'll reach out to me and I'll feel it too.

The coddling and allowing to do whatever is exactly what happened to my bipolar-schizophrenic uncle. And he's now abusive and controlling and using all my grandma's money, yet she's still letting him off because he's sick *rolls eyes*. I have to say, I do believe some instances individuals might be possessed or have an evil entity attached or it could even be a combination of that and some of what else we've been discussing

I'm still an extremist too in other ways. I always will be. I function by going from extreme to extreme even if some of the states are extremely painful. I see it as just the way I am and how I'm supposed to be. I can seem chaotic, but to me, there's an order to the seeming madness. I've had to find some balance in that I used to be very undisciplined tho. I also used to refuse to follow others' rules and I still am a rebel, but in a few ways I've had to temper that lmao. Moderation isn't my strong suit either, but that's more of a theory of mine. However, I'm very very passionate about sex and I see it as spiritual. I'm single now and probably will be for a while, but when I find the right person, I'm eager to experiment with them. I'm a bit insatiable and my sex drive is high. When I'm turned on, I'm REALLY turned on, but I really want to explore sex spiritually

I think I'm more of a chaotic person than anything. a psychic once read me very well... something like a ship at sea and the compass is turning in every direction and there's no land in sight, but he also said it's not a bad thing and it's how I'm meant to be, I just need to find grounding in connection to people

The thing is, with all my fringe ideas, a lot of which I haven't actually gotten into here or at least at any depth, I really don't think I can connect with the grand majority of people. And I seek intimacy, real connection. I simply can't do smalltalk or light connection. So if I can't have it real and deep and raw, I won't take it at all

That's beautiful of you, your empathy. Btw, I have to say, I adore Aries' with Pisces placements. My 7th house cusp is Pisces so it's no wonder I'm attracted to Pisceans. I'm also a very Martian creature so it's no doubt I love Aries', but I don't think we mix well unless they have some Pisces to balance them out. Otherwise we just awaken each others' impulsiveness and agree to each others' bad ideas that just get worse and worse and more destructive lol

Lykanized · Feb 21, 2019

moonkat235 said:
Yeah, I questioned my sanity all the time. I found it really healing to join here and discord and have conversations about my weird experiences though. I don't question my sanity as much right now.

One thing that really helped me post-psychotic episode was tarot. Before tarot, I thought the only thing keeping me sane was distrust in myself, questioning every thought that went through my head and judging it harshly. If the thought made it through this screening process, I could present it to the world. Tarot really helped me trust my intuition, maybe for the first time ever.

I think real connection stems from tuning into others' emotions. I think examining the root cause of other people's emotions helps you know yourself better too.

How do I join the discord? I want to now

I'm very happy you were able to accept yourself and your beauty and gifts. I sense your soul and it's very incredibly beautiful

and I agree

moonkat235 said:
Okay, I have to sleep, because it's hella early and I have a lot of **** to do today. lol Keep posting and I'll respond later today though! Have a good morning, friend!

Goodnight, love. I hope you sleep well and have some wonderful journeying. I'd love to hear about your dreams and more about your journeying if you wouldn't mind sharing with me. You could go on and on and I'd be interested all throughout

Thank you for the wonderful and insightful conversation, btw. I don't find many people I can connect with so just thank you

also thank you for not just thinking I'm a whackjob. I suppose I'm grateful others on this site don't either, granted some probably do and I just don't know. But I've gotten to a point where I no longer judge myself for what I think or how i see things even if it's very deviant. I don't mind expressing myself even if some people do think I'm a whackadoo

Lykanized · Feb 21, 2019

I desire intimacy so deeply and I'm an extremely sexual person, but I feel like it's right for me to be single for now. I just can't wait to meet the woman for me... I'm horny, I can't deny it, I'm horny. I would at least love to makeout with someone. I LOOOVE kissing. You know how everyone says they love neck kisses? I love giving neck kisses. God I just love kissing

You can tell I haven't done it for a long time and whoever I have done it with was a man and I'm 1000000^111% more attracted to women and women are just more pleasant in every way to kiss. Their bodies, so soft, their butts, their lips, their legs, their sides, their thighs, their skin, their breasts, their blood, their whole bodies. And I love women for their spirits. I'm attracted to women on every level and I just wish I had a woman with whom I had a special connection and I could make out with her and caress her body, please her, pleasure her...

Lykanized · Feb 22, 2019

I got really knocked off my game and I need to get back on. I've been depressed for the past few days, but I'm hoping tomorrow I can start getting back into my routines

altho I need to learn to relax which has been brought to my attention

Lykanized · Feb 22, 2019

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3fTw_D3l10

Possibly one of the best songs I've heard in a while
Alt-J -- Taro

Indochina, Capa jumps Jeep, two feet creep up the road
To photo, to record meat lumps and war,
They advance as does his chance – very yellow white flash.
A violent wrench grips mass, rips light, tears limbs like rags,
Burst so high finally Capa lands,
Mine is a watery pit. Painless with immense distance
From medic from colleague, friend, enemy, foe, him five yards from his leg,
From you Taro.

Do not spray into eyes – I have sprayed you into my eyes.
3:10 pm, Capa pends death, quivers, last rattles, last chokes
All colours and cares glaze to grey, shrivelled and stricken to dots,
Left hand grasps what the body grasps not – le photographie est mort.
3.1415, alive no longer my amour, faded for home May of ‘54
Doors open like arms my love, Painless with a great closeness
To Capa, to Capa Capa dark after nothing, re-united with his leg and with you, Taro.
Do not spray into eyes – I have sprayed you into my eyes.
Hey Taro!

--What first struck me about the song is its cadence, very original, very much its own. French and English flow into their own language and I'm a fan of songs with languages that are barely identifiable. But most of it in this song is the result of that cadence

The song is about a war photographer named Taro who died young at war, died for her art. Her partner Capa outlived her by years but ultimately died the same fate. He died with his camera still in his lefthand and I find the line 'left hand grasps what the body grasps not' so beautiful. He had spent his life photographing war and death and the grim reality of what humanity does to itself, and that's what he held there in his hand until he passed. He held it all the way to the hospital
This song is about two war photographers who both died for their passion and it's really about a love that thrived in the face of all this death. Capa never did have enough partner even after close to 2 decades

The song is highly poetic, the imagery, symbolism, language, rhythm...

Lykanized · Feb 23, 2019

Doing a little research and Cancer is associated with Artemis, Khnosu Egyptian god of the moon and time, Diana Roman goddess of moon, the hunt, and wild animals, Dionysus Greek god of wine and ritual madness(woohoo), and Khepri Egyptian god of creation and rebirth

All of this adds a much more substantial layer to astrology. The Cancer the crab? **** the crab. I'm delving deeper. I'm finding my deities

Lykanized · Feb 23, 2019

I really ****** up in terms of drug abuse. I became suicidally depressed as well(not a result of drugs, it was before the abuse), stopped doing my creative and constructive habits

I still feel the last remnants of the drugs in me, very groggy

As I passed my last stage of evolution, I'm contemplating what my next stage is. I think this one is gonna be alot more deeply spiritual. I feel as if I'm being pulled more to magick. I'm gonna be working more intensively with meditation, visualization, sigils, manifestation, and energy as well as speaking to spirits and more importantly,... listening

I feel like I need to do some of that work today. I'm gonna go to the park and meditate, do some visualization exercises, create and draw some sigils on myself, speak and listen

Lykanized · Feb 28, 2019

For my baby...
"Last full moon, I had a massive burst of energy and understanding. I made a pact with myself that in a year from then, I'd either be living completely by my fire, or I'd not be living at all, and I intend to be living by that fire. But I don't expect it to be easy either. I don't like easy anyway. Currently I'm struggling really badly in a way I haven't in a long time, but I feel like there's this frustration of energy waiting to be released

I'm more aware and aware that I have power in every moment. It's all about choices in the moment and being aware of our destiny. With that, everything we do, even in the dying, is part of our destiny

I was able to break down a massive door within myself earlier this month and now I'm here. It's no mistake. Always a gift and then we're tested. I know I'm being tested and they're waiting to see what I'll do and urging me along. I know the current pain is in direct response to that light

I feel like I've regressed so far only because I made so much progress. It's like a natural wax and wane. When the energy fills and a door is broken down, I retreat and I'm like a child again standing before a naked doorframe and all I have to do is walk through. I can understand that even if there's pain, it's always for a reason and we're always being tested and marked for new lessons

I feel that as a society we've become one that so runs away from pain that we can't reap the rewards of it. Depression must be medicated. The Icarus highs of mania must be numbed. Mental expansion is madness and bust be halted. Anxiety, build up of energy, us ready for the move, yet we run away from it instead

and this is transformation, it's all about pain. That's why I love pain and I can't bear to stand still
I'm currently going through an immense bout of pain, but it's pain that transforms me. I yearn for the blood, for the death and when I get close to losing it and don't, I feel a high
These are declarations, this is me speaking my fire, speaking through my fire, my fire speaking through me"

Lykanized · Feb 28, 2019

I'm becoming much more in touch with intention which is part of where magick comes from. Everything can be magick, everything can be ritual, everything done with intention. A bath can be a baptism. Water can be purified by spoken word. Meditation has the power to change our DNA, the mind has the power to attract so long as it aligns with us

In need of some light in the darkness

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