Finding something intangible?

I've lost myself. I'm looking to find me.

I used to be someone. I was full of life, and intrigued about anything to learn. I used to paint, draw, photograph, explore, socialize, and travel. There wasn't an end to things I was interested in. I would sing one day, draw the other, pursue being an engineer, exercise, read up on astrology, anything that interested me. Then I would read academic papers, do analysis, projects, guitar, dress well and care about my appearance, and I was an intellect (I have over 140 credits to my name but have no degree to show for it). Now I don't do any of those things any more. I'm nobody and parts of me feel doesn't even care. I'm surrounded by my own depression. It feels like an internal struggle despite hardships around me.

The past 7-8 years has been rough. Things were relatively stable, but I wasn't emotionally stable. Mental illness took an all time high, lost many friends over the years, family situation got worse, dropped out of school multiple times, etc. However, 2013 was one of the best years of my life. I became close to the woman of my dreams but I then made mistakes that contributed to our end. Everything wasn't all bad over the years - there was lots of good, and I was somewhat stable - but overall, there has been many events that have taken a strain on me.

I want to find me. How do I find me? Am I holding myself back or is there an external influence?

This may be my real chart. I was told I was born 5:50PM but the clocks were "8 minutes off". There is a change.

I wish I had my actual birth time. This may be my actual chart. I thought there was some wrong with my chart.

Rawndawndawnski said:

This may be my real chart. I was told I was born 5:50PM but the clocks were "8 minutes off". There is a change.

I wish I had my actual birth time. This may be my actual chart. I thought there was some wrong with my chart.

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Hi !

I recast your chart using your birth data to get a vedic chart. I have the following to say:
Your Asc Libra Swati the disperser. This is Ruled by Rahu and the natives tend to be quite adventurous, risk taking, living on the edge , sympathisers of the outcasts, mentally unstable and those people that live on the fringes of society. Your moon in Aquarius in the 5th may give you a detatched aura which is soothing to these people.
You were under Rahu Dasha till 2010 which would have made you a bit reckless too. Now the chart enters Jupiter Dasha till 2026 and your Jupiter is in Gemini Punarvasu( success again, regeneration).It is time fir review. This gives you the qualities of a nurturer and if you dont succeed once, try again. You may succeed in the second attempt. It gives you a bounce back quality. You may be well suited to finance, corporate life,advertising, business, stock market,law etc.
Regarding life path, your north node Rahu is in the 4th house in Capricorn. This may mean that if you have been uprooted from some place or emotion, you may strive to help others with the same .. a home away from home . Your work place will be home like . You want to create a home like atmosphere for those people who dont have one, since you may identify with the feeling. Do not worry, you will find the light soon.
See if this resonates and do what your spirit wills.
Stay positive and God Bless you!

RaRohini said:

Hi !

I recast your chart using your birth data to get a vedic chart. I have the following to say:
Your Asc Libra Swati the disperser. This is Ruled by Rahu and the natives tend to be quite adventurous, risk taking, living on the edge , sympathisers of the outcasts, mentally unstable and those people that live on the fringes of society. Your moon in Aquarius in the 5th may give you a detatched aura which is soothing to these people.
You were under Rahu Dasha till 2010 which would have made you a bit reckless too. Now the chart enters Jupiter Dasha till 2026 and your Jupiter is in Gemini Punarvasu( success again, regeneration).It is time fir review. This gives you the qualities of a nurturer and if you dont succeed once, try again. You may succeed in the second attempt. It gives you a bounce back quality. You may be well suited to finance, corporate life,advertising, business, stock market,law etc.
Regarding life path, your north node Rahu is in the 4th house in Capricorn. This may mean that if you have been uprooted from some place or emotion, you may strive to help others with the same .. a home away from home . Your work place will be home like . You want to create a home like atmosphere for those people who dont have one, since you may identify with the feeling. Do not worry, you will find the light soon.
See if this resonates and do what your spirit wills.
Stay positive and God Bless you!

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Thanks for the insight. Why did you cast my chart as a vedic chart if you don't mind me asking.

In regards to this passage till 2026, it's interesting that you say "one the second attempt you usually get it". That does seem to be a theme over these years.

But I am so overwhelmed, everything I have ever wanted in life has never came easy. I had to fight for everything, even some of the basic necessities (love, family, etc.). How can I make it easier on myself and have less friction in my life?

I'm absolutely tired of losing everything great in my life, and or contributing to losing it. And now, I don't feel the energy I once had to continue to fight like I used to.

Samantha Bean said:

While I am only a beginning astrologer, and perhaps the experts would understand right away, I'm not sure what you want astrology to do for you? Is it possible for you to be more specific? It sounds at the moment more like you need to see a psychologist-counselor.

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I guess I'm looking for how to respond in current life events so I don't "lose myself"/make the wrong choices in the process (become over burden, emotionally unstable, etc.). I used to have a friend that would tell me of specific transits and events that are occurring and what to focus on. But she is gone now.

I keep forgetting so many things. I do have psychiatric help but right now, given my emotional state, once a week or once every 2 weeks isn't enough. I want measurable results and I want them now. I'm so frisky it isn't even funny.

I posted this question before in a thread 2 years ago, I went back to read it and found exactly what I am looking for:

waybread said:

The chart indicates some true stressors that are probably there for a reason, and we cannot always paste a happy-smiley face over them. But we can work on solutions using our chart for good ideas on how best to function in life.

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I'm looking for tangible things I can do, or explore? What parts of my chart conflict my happiness and how can I turn it around? What are the good parts of my chart and how can I use that for my success?

it appears that I get help from a lot of people but I can't grasp onto it. Although I had an ugly upbringing, I don't seem to grasp the help from others, nor can I apply help to myself. Something always gets in the way.

I have troubles acknowledging those who have helped me as well.

I can help others, and as I am told by my psychs, "why don't you apply that to yourself?" I don't know why. I claim it has something to do with my sense of self-worth. I only find purpose if it is for someone else and or to make them happy. I can't find inspiration for reasons regarding the self.

Rawndawndawnski said:

it appears that I get help from a lot of people but I can't grasp onto it. Although I had an ugly upbringing, I don't seem to grasp the help from others, nor can I apply help to myself. Something always gets in the way.

I have troubles acknowledging those who have helped me as well.

I can help others, and as I am told by my psychs, "why don't you apply that to yourself?" I don't know why. I claim it has something to do with my sense of self-worth. I only find purpose if it is for someone else and or to make them happy. I can't find inspiration for reasons regarding the self.

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Hi!

The vedic method is a different method for reading charts and i cast yours in that format as i can read charts in the vedic method !
You mentioned that you get fulfilment by helping others but hesitate to take help yourself. The fifth house which shows self expression reflects this. Your 5th house of self expression is occupied by Moon in Aquarius which is all about feeling for groups of people, networks but unable to think in terms of feeling for oneself. It is the opposite of Leo which can clearly showcase the attributes of the self. Sun ad Merc in Taurus 8th house of others money. You may be called upon to help others and somebody else will help you. The home away from home thing..orphanage or destitute home maybe??? I dont know..does that resonate? Try a simple experiment..do people come voluntarily asking for help ? Help them selflessly and see if the Universe responds. Then you may be on the right path. I have north node Scorp in the 8th and i have a similar experience. I figured out that i need yo help others selflessly and the Universe will take care of me.
All the best!

RaRohini said:

Hi!
I figured out that i need yo help others selflessly and the Universe will take care of me.
All the best!

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Cheers. I notice this. I got to stop being a dick.

Hi,

Did problems start in terms of mental health around 2008 or was it after that?
Also did anything in particular happen at the end of January 2012 of note?

that's an interesting statement.

looking at your chart and thinking about what you've said, the first thing to touch on is where you say you are nobody, or, as one may put it phonetically, knowbody.

maybe you should read the tao te ching! if you have had many challenges in life, perhaps it's time you developed some appreciation for being undistinguished. amitabha! link in my sig

of course we are seeing a lot of people with pluto in scorpio. that sucker just keeps hanging on! and i think it's interesting that i keep seeing people with planets in taurus across from pluto. there's your pleasure.

i had to read around for neptune in capricorn, and perhaps doing that would be ruminative. found some different interpretations, the ideas of dreams and planning seem very diametric. what to do with that.. it's part of your t cross, a challenge to overcome.

and 26 isn't anything, maybe the society you are used to. you're still young. you still think guitars are important

your t cross projects into libra, 11th house of friendship... are you a dick to people?! being so set on accomplishment, being something, do you condescend to persons who don't appear to "be anything"?? well, your call.. that aquarian moon is squared.

i mean, i even look at your user image, and it's the same thing.. looking up to you... you must think that makes you look good, like a facelift. (not putting you down, telling you what i see).

looking at lots of people today with gemini and sun in the same sign..

perhaps what is intangible... is the intangible! if you are such an academic, and have a belief in mental illness, concerned with your appearance, maybe you are a materialistic person. ???

thinking, learn to relax, lighten loosen up, tolerate formlessness and imperfection (like that japanese style of pottery with the glaring imperfections) if the woman of your dreams has left you, then your dreams are all over, unless you're less certain about what your dreams are, or may become personal recommendation a bag of indica and a marathon of 60s-90s martial arts movies (subbed not dubbed) starting with the yuen siu tien ("beggar so" or "so high") drunken masters. maybe some journey to the west adaptations. maybe not, what do i know?

ashriia said:

Hi,

Did problems start in terms of mental health around 2008 or was it after that?
Also did anything in particular happen at the end of January 2012 of note?

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Yes, actually. They were an issue in the past, but it intensified around 2008. I was finally diagnosed 2008/9. But, yes, it (life) began to get so bad I did poorly in my final year. 2009/10 I had medication problems.

End of January 2012...hmm...

You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the comments.

noraleader said:

that's an interesting statement.

looking at your chart and thinking about what you've said, the first thing to touch on is where you say you are nobody, or, as one may put it phonetically, knowbody.

maybe you should read the tao te ching! if you have had many challenges in life, perhaps it's time you developed some appreciation for being undistinguished. amitabha! link in my sig

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What do you mean undistinguished? Are you saying I should appreciate being unique?

Today my instructors singled me out as being one of their best students and that it is a shame that I'm going through a rough period in my life.

You know, I hear comments like this all the time but they don't phase me. It's great that I'm "one of their best students" but I have nothing to show for it. I don't have a degree. I am unable to fully support myself at this time. I want to be independent again. I want the drive I once had.

of course we are seeing a lot of people with pluto in scorpio. that sucker just keeps hanging on! and i think it's interesting that i keep seeing people with planets in taurus across from pluto. there's your pleasure.

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Today I had a huge burst of energy that faded. My drive towards my studies is just garbage. Tonight I'm trying to get a grip on my life and study. Tomorrow, I want to do the same thing.

My pleasure?

i had to read around for neptune in capricorn, and perhaps doing that would be ruminative. found some different interpretations, the ideas of dreams and planning seem very diametric. what to do with that.. it's part of your t cross, a challenge to overcome.

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So I should ease up? I'm overwhelming myself with perfection?

and 26 isn't anything, maybe the society you are used to. you're still young. you still think guitars are important

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It's not that guitars are important. I used to find pleasure in the arts. It felt natural. Now it feels like I'm forcing myself to enjoy things as opposed to actually enjoying and appreciating their value.

your t cross projects into libra, 11th house of friendship... are you a dick to people?! being so set on accomplishment, being something, do you condescend to persons who don't appear to "be anything"?? well, your call.. that aquarian moon is squared.

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I can be a dick that is unwarranted. I'm hot headed and rude. I guess you are right that I look down upon people that don't appear to be "anything". That's something I want to change. I used to not be that. I used to strongly believe everyone had their equal share, and everyone has their worth. But over the past few years, that just completely vanished.

I have many "friends" but I have very few true friends that have more meaning. I'm very introverted so I rarely socialize unless I have to. Well, at least I am now. I was much more lively prior to 2009. Then, in 2012 I started to develop myself. I started to pursue things with Andrea then. That was short lived. She was only looking for a fling.

She wasn't a bad person though. We never developed things to make it official, but when I found out she was crushing on someone else while pursuing me, I felt used and lashed out. I cut ties with her and immediately regretted it. I really despise how hot-headed I get. I don't think before I react. I lose all sense of the person's being and really say things that away from them from the inside.

i mean, i even look at your user image, and it's the same thing.. looking up to you... you must think that makes you look good, like a facelift. (not putting you down, telling you what i see).

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I notice that too. I don't like myself. I have very little self-worth unless I'm threatened. Pictures like this, I guess, gave me a bit of a confidence boost. I haven't changed this photo in awhile. I should change it.

I was picked on for being overweight as a kid. Nearly all of my childhood I was overweight. When I lost it I started to feel attractive. I had medication problems with SSRIs and gained it all back and lost all that confidence. I would later lose it again and I've pretty much kept it off since then. I used to weight 273 pounds, 6 foot, and I was able to get myself all the way down to around 150.

perhaps what is intangible... is the intangible! if you are such an academic, and have a belief in mental illness, concerned with your appearance, maybe you are a materialistic person. ???

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I don't think so but I have definitely been in that direction. I came from a wealthy family but I never really "had" anything. If I used my computer I was always reminded how it wasn't mine. It was constantly taken away. I was continuously disowned in the family and ostracize by my mother. The moment I got out of that family I was able to finally enjoy my own things.

It's odd how my family is now being supportive. I can thank the woman of my dreams for that. She is such a wonderful person. I took the break-up bad. I projected my own hatred for myself. I'm very poisonous. I used to make her the most happiest woman on the planet; I made her world turn. Now I'm the complete opposite. I f- hate myself.

I wish I appreciated her more. I wish I didn't make the mistakes I did.

thinking, learn to relax, lighten loosen up, tolerate formlessness and imperfection (like that japanese style of pottery with the glaring imperfections) if the woman of your dreams has left you, then your dreams are all over, unless you're less certain about what your dreams are, or may become personal recommendation a bag of indica and a marathon of 60s-90s martial arts movies (subbed not dubbed) starting with the yuen siu tien ("beggar so" or "so high") drunken masters. maybe some journey to the west adaptations. maybe not, what do i know?

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This feels like good advice. I appreciate your input.

Some Netflix movie binging is definitely in order. Thank you so much. ♥

I want improvements to be measurable. I want to be able to reflect and weigh-in on progress.

anecdotal post.. unfortunately, this is where i shine brightest.. having to "back it up with stars" puts me at a disadvantage.

after immigrating to the u.s. i was placed in "gifted" ed with, mostly rich cryptocracy kids. some freaks. walter bowart's kids. gabrielle giffords.

two points about this.. in the first place, the environ was so supportive and cooperative it left many of us unprepared for the predations of the mortal world. lots of us got chewed up past academia. now that i'm in my 40's, more than ever, i have no question why these things happened or resentment. "the hand that feeds" be it erudite or angelic is still a scrap of flesh, it will get bit. never waste energy resenting or distaining others for doing so, whatever sentiment you retain will always affect you more than them. it is the nature of the world, amitabha.

second point, which is really the same point i guess, all these lovely gifted kids who wanted to contribute to society were also limited by those above them as well as "below" - it's great to see your little brother or your son succeed, exhibit profound talent, until they outshine you, then you have to protect your own ego, your own livelihood, so they get snuffed from the top as well as snipped from the bottom.

again, this is the nature of the world. when young, we are all revved up, go! achieve! do these simple awesome objectives! but the reality is, the world is more mysterious and complex than a place where we just "go and be awesome" so we can die smiling knowing we have done well. the world has to challenge this simple mileu and present us with more complex considerations, like, "did you really think this place was an authentic reality? hahahha nooooo" so that you must consider more crucial things like, who am i, where do i end and where does an objective world begin beyond my self and my sense? if at all? (resources in sig..)

and these are the challenges of genius.. the only people who get to be brilliant and go about looking brilliant are puppets, there to inspire, if there is an existence beyond the self at all.. if not, at least, i think it is quite rare for genius to be cherished by those it excels beyond. how many einsteins and teslas get eated.

all things are contrasted by their existential balance. if something is precious, then that which is not precious is subtly more despicable. this is why the tao te ching teaches stillness, so that, by ceasing to be moved, we may achieve clarity. so that ultimately, power is not power.

you'll excuse me, i'm being real blithe, as typing on forums is what i do to "relax" my wording, phrasing, expression in this post is real casual.. hopefully you can sort of read through it sideways..

covering points..

undistinguished/unique.. how much one is either is a tactical discernment, banalce oops i mean balance as necessary, jsut add water.. the TTC makes lots of sense when you're old and realise how much turmoil in the world is caused simply by holding an opinion... verrrry dangerous..

wealthy family.. my recommendation, though it may be unfit, .. even if parents are abusive, they are the single parents you get for this lifetime, and giving them more love than maybe they deserve, gently, guardedly, helps them to heal as well and perhaps move forwards.. life is where we play out mistakes.. perhaps the ideals mean more than the forms.. all being things are temporary..

of the four chinese classics, "dream of the red chamber" is the most insensately boring.. idealistic adolescents experience existential angst and then their family is wiped out by imperial decree for being corrupt. it's a profound expression of human suffering which people from wealthy families may well relate to.. something for your older years? true, innocent love, and humility in suffering.

whether a degree guarantees income i cannot say. whether income or ownership are harmful destructive illusory entrapments i cannot say. is it right to pursue perfection? if our anger becomes so intense to persist after our death.. to be so convinced by the world.. what am i talking about.. i can say, i think it's good that you had a good love affair, many people never experience this in their life. i had a few, and i admit, by their nature they were finite. but who knows what can be made or become?

what a load of bollocks advice is, the asuras and devas churn up the ocean, people get angry, people remain passionless, what is right and wrong, well, i'm really putting too much into a forum post. i'd better get back to the tasks i am avoiding. happy journeys don't get too upset about it, unless of course, that's the ride you want

There a significant elements in the charts that indicates a challenging life. First of all, We have Pluto as a chart ruler with Ascendant in Scorpio. The Ascendant sign is the energy that our life is characterized with, whereas the Descendant sign is the energy our life lacks and we seek in people to provide us with. With Scorpio/Taurus axis, there is the theme of instability and stability. Scorpio Ascendant creates a challenging life for the individual, power struggles and crisis. However, Scorpio gives charismatic personality. Still, the transformative, challenging energy of Pluto and Mars will govern your chart, leading to a life full of changes and transformation. So there is a need for stability with Taurus Dsc. The Descendant,as I have mentioned, symbolizes what we lack in our life and sought through others, and That energy is the stable energy of Taurus, security and safety.

The combination of Aquarius moon and Gemini Sun is great, but not so when they are placed in emotional houses such as the fourth house/and the eighth house, private houses and introver. Aquarius/Gemini is the sign of a great intellect and a teacher,and a socialist.the Aquarius moon needs freedom and constant change- similar to Scorpio energy. However, this changes comes unexpectedly. You might experience life of changes from the up and down. Life at home at early age was characterized by instability and sudden changes. Aquarius and Gemini are two signs are not keen in emotional sphere, they are not emotional but rather mercurial and logical. They are in the house of two water signs Cancer and Scorpio. Aquarius is ruled by Saturn. The moon is Aquarius leads to restrict emotions and difficulties in expressing them. Sun in the 8th house house of crisis and transformation- leads to life full of crisis and upheaval and the ups and downs. The father might have been controlling or mysterious or powerful-Plutonian like- The sun in eighth house and Pluto as a chart ruler is definitely a sign of crisis-ridden life that could lead to depression, repressed anger if it not dealt with. However, it gives a magnetic,sexually powerfully and willful presence and a psychological insights.

The sun is opposite Uranus by antisicia. The Sun/Uranus symbolizes ups and downs, changes, individuality, and the exiled. The person with Uranus experiences the ups and downs with their feelings and thoughts. Main reason to this is they go through a life of revelations and changes that endanger their mental stability and physical stability. These changes the individual goes through in order to establish individuality in the social environment. At a younger age, the person felt exiled. The father could have been absent or a person with a temper, opposed the child personality. or he was exiled from school or their peers.

Mercury is opposite Saturn by antiscia leads to difficulty in communication. Gemini is the sign of talking and communicating. You already have strong pluto/scorpio the non communicative sign and sun in the 8th house, adds to that Mercury/Saturn. Mercury/Saturn leads to difficulty to speaking and expressing thoughts. However, I think there could be a great analytic, a teacher, a psychologist with this combo. Mercury in the 8th house has a deep insight to human's behavior, Saturn tends to give structure to the mind enables them to be structured and logical thinker. The downside of it is that both of them are concrete planets, they tend to be materialistic and lack spiritual aspect which leads to depression and introversion.

By mercury/sautrn, we comes to Jupiter/Chiron in the 9th house. Jupiter/chiron requires the person to cultivate faith, hope and spirituality and believe in greater power "GOD". Jupiter/Chiron is also sign of the wounded optimist, the wounded believer. There is a possibility that the person is pessimist and lacks believe.

Mars is very challenged within the chart. There are many squares to mars so there is inhabited mars energy such as repressed anger,stubborn,arrogance, accidents..etc. Mars square Uranus/neptune/Chiron/Jupiter.

and those mars t crosses project into libra

Thank you for the insight.

I'm sorry for cutting this short, I'm not in the best of moods today, but what is the direction I should take? What can I start doing, today, to improve myself?

Again, I'm sorry, not in the best of moods, but I'm sort of breaking it down to:

• Work on my communication skills
• Be more giving, nicer, and the universe would reward me.
• Become more spiritual.
• Work on my anger management issues.
• Be more helpful and caring.

The thing about this one is tricky:


"Be more giving, nicer, and the universe would reward me."


It is important that you do not see it as 'being nice SO I WILL BE REWARDED.'

It is more about being nice out of compassion, universal love for others. If you can truly feel that love and offer it to others selflessly, then the universe will read you.

But if you are 'nice' because you want some kind of reward....then it does not work.

katydid said:

The thing about this one is tricky:


"Be more giving, nicer, and the universe would reward me."


It is important that you do not see it as 'being nice SO I WILL BE REWARDED.'

It is more about being nice out of compassion, universal love for others. If you can truly feel that love and offer it to others selflessly, then the universe will read you.

But if you are 'nice' because you want some kind of reward....then it does not work.

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Yup yup this.

katydid said:

The thing about this one is tricky:


"Be more giving, nicer, and the universe would reward me."


It is important that you do not see it as 'being nice SO I WILL BE REWARDED.'

It is more about being nice out of compassion, universal love for others. If you can truly feel that love and offer it to others selflessly, then the universe will read you.

But if you are 'nice' because you want some kind of reward....then it does not work.

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I see. Thank you.