depressed all my life - where's the reason?

Hello. I'm looking for astrological explanation of my state of being.
Since childhood I feel horrible, tired and lost like I'm wasting my time, waiting all my life hopelessly for something more... something extraordinary but I cannot define it so there's no solution. I mean, people have realistic goals - being part of happy family, providing successfull career etc. but it's predictable, planned, somehow... limited??? so it won't be fully satifing. Sometimes I'm even able to cry because of anger that there's no higher meaning in my life.
I escape from daily issues by reading fantasy books, dreaming what could happen to me, having a walk and visiting deserted places to feel thrill thanks to mysterious atmosphere.
Is it typical for sick, strong air/aquarius presence in horoscope? Stuck in head full of strange thoughts? I've also found out that chiron in 1st house is dedicated to feeling disconnected with sense of self, existence.
What's your suggestions? Maybe someone of you have simmilar influences and experiences? I would be also grateful if someone could look into my future by using natal chart.

http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif=astro_2gw_01_lo_st_he.67897.27181.gif&res=100

Sounds like you are searching for a quality of life that can't be attained through worldly things. Plenty of spiritually minded people are struggling with this, as we are living in a time that is much deprived of spiritual sustenance and a connection to the source.

There's no one thing to pin it on and no simple solution. You have to dig for the answers that are locked in your soul.

Let me post a couple of your sabian symbols... They might resonate..

Your AC, the WHO of a chart, in the 9th degree of Leo: (taken from Dane Rudhyar's "An Astrological Mandala")

"GLASS BLOWERS SHAPE BEAUTIFUL VASES WITH THEIR CONTROLLED BREATHING.

KEYNOTE: The need to involve one's most spiritual and vital energies in the creative act' if it is to produce significant and beautiful new forms.

The breath represents the power of the spirit, animator of all living manifestations. Because the glass blower uses his breath to shape the glass vessels, he is a fitting symbol of how deeply any creative individual has to involve his total being in his creation. He is also using the fire of the spirit — transpersonal inspiration — or, in another sense, the fire of deeply felt emotions. Any creative activity which does not involve both the "breath" and the "fire" cannot transform into beautiful artworks — or indeed into any new form of order — the raw materials, remains of the past (the "sand").

This fourth stage of the twenty-sixth sequence symbolically shows us the technique required in true and successful transforming activity. It always implies CREATIVE INTENSITY."

Your sun, the planet of essential will, in the 4th degree of Aqua:

" A HINDU YOGI DEMONSTRATES HIS HEALING POWERS.

KEYNOTE: The disciplined use of spiritual energies in restoring the natural harmony disturbed by man's inharmonic attempts to transcend nature through mind.

Civilization implies a process of transcending compulsive and rigid biological drives while making use, in a refined and mentalized way, of what it cannot control. The goal of a true civilization — Western civilization being to a large extent a caricature of it — is the development of a humanity composed of self-motivated and responsible individuals freely associating according to harmonic patterns in order to produce a vast spiritual chord of consciousness fully actualizing the potentialities inherent in the archetype, MAN. The process of individualization and civilization is full of dangers, and for a very long time it is obsessed by karmic shadows, the results of individual and collective deviations and perversions. Such results most often lead to disease. It is the spiritual duty of individuals who have been able to tap the vast reservoir of spiritual forces pervading our planet to use these energies for healing their less-fortunate comrades.

This fourth stage symbol refers to a technique which not only can be used for the healing of physical illnesses but for the "making whole" of whatever has lost its natural root integration and has not yet reached the holistic state of perfect harmony and identification with the "divine" whole. Self-discipline, purity of motive, compassion, faith in the divine order are required — and the FOCUSING OF SPIRITUAL ENERGY."

Your Pluto, the planet of transformation and rebirth, at 28 Scorpio:

"THE KING OF THE FAIRIES APPROACHING HIS DOMAIN.

KEYNOTE: The capacity in man to recognize and to pay homage to an integrating Principle at the core of all existence.

This rather peculiar picture tells us perhaps a good deal about the limitations of the mind of the clairvoyant who saw it, though it can be related to the symbolism of the various creatures of a spirit world mentioned in some alchemical and Rosicrucian books. What seems to be implied is that beyond both outer nature and the realm of the proud ego, a spiritual world exists to which the intuitive consciousness of man can pay allegiance. In that world, all manifested entities are seen as multiple aspects of a central Power and Consciousness. It is such a central principle of unity that human societies have sought to revere symbolically in human, all-too-human kings. In an individual sense, this principle is the Self.

This is the third stage in the forty-eighth five-fold pattern of symbols. It adds a new dimension to the two preceding ones. At this stage the presence of a spiritual unifying factor begins to be sensed by the individual perhaps weary of the outer shows of his culture. An INNER ALLEGIANCE begins to polarize the consciousness."

...that last symbol is really special... Really profound...

Keep trudging... Your destiny is yet to unfold.... If you are searching for higher purpose, the universe will answer you...

I am not sure I would read clinical depression in your chart, but, rather, you are a very Saturn sort of person, due to so many planets in Capricorn and Aquarius.

Saturn can show where we feel limited, frustrated, lonely, and not-good-enough in life. Sound familiar?

Yet each planet has both a negative and positive face. Saturn asks that we learn his lessons of patience, perseverance, hard-work, and deferred gratification. Fortunately Saturn does tend to reward his students later in life.

With so many planets in the 6th house, your first step should be finding a way to help people who are less fortunate than yourself. The 6th house deals with both the principle of service and illness/health. If you don't like other people all that much, see if you can volunteer with a local animal shelter or train to become a veterinary assistant or veterinarian. The sixth house also rules small animals such as cats and dogs.

Next is to activate your sun-Mars. You really need to be active in some way. Can you train to run a marathon or engage in some other activity that would really motivate you? Your walking is great-- can you ramp up your activity level, however?

Next is to put that imagination to good use. I don't know what you are doing now by way of work or school, but try taking a course in studio art, computer graphics, or creative writing. I think you do have a vivid imagination, and I hope you can develop it more fully-- not just have it be what you do to escape your circumstances.

People with a strong Capricorn-Aquarius emphasis often make good scientists and engineers.

Have you lived in the same city all your life? Travel can be very confronting and uncomfortable at times, but I think you would benefit from just getting away occasionally or even for a longer period, such as a job or university program. Your Gemini moon needs to thrive on diversity and novelty! Do you like hiking in the mountains?

Speaking of the moon, moon square Chiron can be a real recipe for hurt feelings. But Chiron also shows where we can gain wisdom in our lives.

Capricorns have a reputation for being very cautious, and for putting up with difficult situations far longer than is good for them. It would seem you've reached that threshold. Even if you can take only one or two of those steps I've suggested, they should be helpful. The universe notices when we take small steps to help ourselves, and begins to realign itself.

With your vivid imagination, creative visualization techniques should help you to reach your goals, once you set them for yourself.

Hi walking,

Positives first. You have Venus conjunct your Sun! Live it!

Your Mercury is on the Sun-Saturn midpoint in your chart. Remember there are 2 sides to every aspect. You may have a strong tendency to have negative instead of positive thoughts much of the time. But you are master of your chart. You can change your behavior. But try really hard without possible drug therapy.

You are young and still have time to investigate various work or possible career choices. In fact positive work with that aspect might be in a field where you could do research or investigations. Science, archeology, police work [aiming to be a detective], (Private I!!), investigative reporter.

Best wishes for you.

Bob

walkingparadox said:

Hello. I'm looking for astrological explanation of my state of being.
Since childhood I feel horrible, tired and lost like I'm wasting my time, waiting all my life hopelessly for something more... something extraordinary but I cannot define it so there's no solution. I mean, people have realistic goals - being part of happy family, providing successfull career etc. but it's predictable, planned, somehow... limited??? so it won't be fully satifing. Sometimes I'm even able to cry because of anger that there's no higher meaning in my life.
I escape from daily issues by reading fantasy books, dreaming what could happen to me, having a walk and visiting deserted places to feel thrill thanks to mysterious atmosphere.
Is it typical for sick, strong air/aquarius presence in horoscope? Stuck in head full of strange thoughts? I've also found out that chiron in 1st house is dedicated to feeling disconnected with sense of self, existence.
What's your suggestions? Maybe someone of you have simmilar influences and experiences? I would be also grateful if someone could look into my future by using natal chart.

Click to expand...

There are two reasons for your state.

1. Combustion of Venus
2. Saturn in the last degree of Sun Sign.

Probably you don't need to look any further. Research into interpretations of those two things and revert back in couple of days - when you start to attempt to minimize their effects.

Good luck.

Mercury in Aquarius-- You are broad-minded and seek after truth.

It’s quite possible that you suffer from low nutrition.
You have that bundle of 6th house planets (health and illness) –
mega vit B 12 probably won’t hurt – folate (not folic acid) vit D2, or D3, magnesium, vit K – anything good for the blood. (because of Aquarian sun (in detriment).) Exercise also changes mental/physical chemistry. 6th house - health is paramount.


You have the ‘destiny square’ - Jupiter square Saturn – girdling the bundle on the 7th house side – you agonize even after the cows come home. You cannot prevent this, it’s a fixed square, very stubborn…. You need character building challenges, and you should always strive to be above-board morally, or you’ll find yourself in agonizing situations and paying dearly for the smallest (moral type) mistake.

As for the ‘combust’ Venus, in Aquarius she is always looking and reaching far ahead
.. but venus also represents EFFORT. (As opposed to self indulgence.)

There is your moon, by itself in the 11th ruling the 12th house. It’s your focal point.
It's moving towards the full moon – increasing in light – and it’s trine a powerful mercury in the 7th angular. Verbally expressive gifts and smarts. This moon placement is about participating in groups of people you aspire to. but you must find the most excellent best, be discriminating (as in careful) because Gemini moon is impressionable.

..... what about expanding your possibilities through higher education?


:>

Moon and Saturn, to paradox

paradox,

You said:

walkingparadox said:

I'm looking for astrological explanation of my state of being. Since childhood I feel horrible, tired and lost like I'm wasting my time, waiting all my life hopelessly for something more...

Click to expand...

You have a least aspected (strong energy) Moon moon: home, also emotions) and Saturn saturn:, duty, also restriction) suggesting you do not "connect in" with your emotions and restriction so you OVERdo these things. The result is feeling very emotional and restricted without any particular cause. Remember in your case a LITTLE emotion and structure can go a LONG way. Possible daily breathing meditation (counting your breath going in and out while focusing only on your breath) can help you get rid of that excess emotion and restriction you carry around.

Suggesting,

Tim

chongjasmine said:

Mercury in Aquarius-- You are broad-minded and seek after truth.

Click to expand...

I like this. Mercury in Aquarius here.