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  #1  
Unread 01-08-2020, 06:15 PM
madsketcher madsketcher is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 16
Hopeless & Suicidal.

My life has completely fallen apart. I know that the reason is so that I can be the musician I am supposed to be. I've been developing behind the scenes as a singer/songwriter for a long time, and I know I'm good, even though I barely have an ego for it. I know that things have fallen apart because I am supposed to be singing. I have a unique and powerful voice. It is energetically potent. I feel paralyzed about vulnerability. Especially now. I've been typecast as a visual artist and went through the motions of being a freelance illustrator while not caring much about it. My illustration career (if you can call it that) is officially over; it has been destroyed. But so has everything else. I am homeless. I have been homeless for almost 2 months. My computer was stolen. I've exhausted getting financial donations through clients/supporters. Soon some of my clients will be filing PayPal claims for unfinished/undelivered work, which will put me in the negative. I don't have a bank account, I've just been using PayPal as my bank/debit card source. I don't have I don't have any family or real friends. I am stuck in NYC. I want to kill myself. I fear it won't get better.

I am carrying a lot of trauma. I was targeted and psychologically tortured by satanic/occult groups in my early 20s. They even used sound technology on me. It changed how I operated in the world. I became a nomad, moved around a lot. I stopped paying taxes and bills. I'm terrible with money. My current ID expired in 2017. I feel exiled. I've had countless secret enemies in my life, working against me. This has been exhausting and damaging to my psyche on a level I cannot express. I tried reintegrating into society in the past year but it feels too late. Everything feels too late. It feels too late to try and pursue music. I don't even think I care about my dreams anymore. I feel broken and too tired to bother. I don't think I want to get on my feet. I think I want it to get worse, until I snap, and make that jump I have been planning. I almost did it 3 weeks ago. But I had more hope then. And I didn't want to upset bar patrons and staff. But I wouldn't care about that now.

If anyone can help give me some sort of hope, that might possibly help. But I don't know right now. I have nothing. Nobody. I feel disgusting. I don't know how to get on my feet. I feel like a child and I don't understand this place. I want to go home. I just want to be free of all of this pain.
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Last edited by madsketcher; 01-08-2020 at 06:25 PM.
  #2  
Unread 01-08-2020, 07:58 PM
Kite's Avatar
Kite Kite is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Tied to a string theory
Posts: 722
Re: Hopeless & Suicidal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by madsketcher View Post
My life has completely fallen apart. I know that the reason is so that I can be the musician I am supposed to be. I've been developing behind the scenes as a singer/songwriter for a long time, and I know I'm good, even though I barely have an ego for it. I know that things have fallen apart because I am supposed to be singing. I have a unique and powerful voice. It is energetically potent. I feel paralyzed about vulnerability. Especially now. I've been typecast as a visual artist and went through the motions of being a freelance illustrator while not caring much about it. My illustration career (if you can call it that) is officially over; it has been destroyed. But so has everything else. I am homeless. I have been homeless for almost 2 months. My computer was stolen. I've exhausted getting financial donations through clients/supporters. Soon some of my clients will be filing PayPal claims for unfinished/undelivered work, which will put me in the negative. I don't have a bank account, I've just been using PayPal as my bank/debit card source. I don't have I don't have any family or real friends. I am stuck in NYC. I want to kill myself. I fear it won't get better.

I am carrying a lot of trauma. I was targeted and psychologically tortured by satanic/occult groups in my early 20s. They even used sound technology on me. It changed how I operated in the world. I became a nomad, moved around a lot. I stopped paying taxes and bills. I'm terrible with money. My current ID expired in 2017. I feel exiled. I've had countless secret enemies in my life, working against me. This has been exhausting and damaging to my psyche on a level I cannot express. I tried reintegrating into society in the past year but it feels too late. Everything feels too late. It feels too late to try and pursue music. I don't even think I care about my dreams anymore. I feel broken and too tired to bother. I don't think I want to get on my feet. I think I want it to get worse, until I snap, and make that jump I have been planning. I almost did it 3 weeks ago. But I had more hope then. And I didn't want to upset bar patrons and staff. But I wouldn't care about that now.

If anyone can help give me some sort of hope, that might possibly help. But I don't know right now. I have nothing. Nobody. I feel disgusting. I don't know how to get on my feet. I feel like a child and I don't understand this place. I want to go home. I just want to be free of all of this pain.
I'm sure this thread will get shut down as we don't do suicide counseling. I do want to point out that your chart doesn't really make sense to me at the current time. If you were born just 2 minutes earlier it would put you into a Virgo ascendant and move your Capricorn planets into the 5th house of creative arts. It would also change your nodal position to North Node in the 12th house which would indicate to me that dealing with loss is a big part of your life so that you can deepen your soulfulness and use that artistically since the North Node is in Leo.

Do get some suicide prevention help. The world is not better without you.
__________________
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-----Thelonius Monk

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  #3  
Unread 01-08-2020, 08:13 PM
madsketcher madsketcher is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 16
Re: Hopeless & Suicidal.

I made this post specifically for chart insights. Nobody can talk me out of anything. I am trying to find clarity because this feels impossible. I did not post to try and be talked out of suicide. I posted for insights based on my chart. Thank you.

Last edited by madsketcher; 01-08-2020 at 08:16 PM.
  #4  
Unread 01-08-2020, 10:47 PM
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Osamenor Osamenor is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,924
Re: Hopeless & Suicidal.

Madsketcher,

Because you mentioned being suicidal, we cannot leave this thread open. If you really want chart-based insights, keep suicide out of it. And if you really are feeling suicidal, it's not the time to be asking for an astrological reading. It's the time to seek suicide counseling. Which this site cannot provide, because....

This is NOT a suicide counseling station, it does not pretend to be, it does not have the right people, it is not staffed appropriately, it simply doesn't have the ability to give you the help you need. For that reason, the sooner you look AWAY from this forum, the sooner you can look for help in an area where people are going to give you the help you need.

But it CAN point you in the right direction. Our Forum members suggest going to these sites:
http://www.suicideprevention.ca/in-c...about-suicide/
http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/fin...onal-wellness/
http://www.suicideforum.com/
http://www.takethislife.com/suicide-forums/
http://d2lrevolution.com/no-suicide-...FWLHtAodQx4AKw

In accordance with Forum rules, I'm locking this thread down against further postings.

Locking down,
Osamenor
__________________
Private messages welcome if they're moderation-related matters or personal messages for me, but please do not send me astrological questions or chart reading requests. I only answer those on the forum, in my practice, and on my blog at https://www.thebearsnose.com/, a separate site from this one.

Not receiving an answer to your natal chart-based question? You are welcome to submit it to the Ask the Astrologer feature on my blog, provided that it follows the feature's ground rules.

Last edited by Osamenor; 01-08-2020 at 10:49 PM.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Osamenor For This Useful Post:
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