Owe money from ex, do I need to pay?

cherrybelle

Well-known member
I owe money from my abusive ex for my education expenses around $10,000. Last year I was going to pay but there was a problem with his bank, so I told him to open another account so I could transfer the money back, but he was lazy. As the time passes, I've money issues and don't have as much money as before.

I dated him for years and he was so stingy. Oh well, despite of being rich, he asked me to share all bills and I even spent my money for his own needs. My salary was just 20% of his, but he wanted me to participate exactly 50-50 at least. I think I spent more than him tbh and I didn't get any worthy gift from him, his most expensive gift was $10 stuffed animal lol.

2 years ago, I had a chance to go study abroad but I had no money, he told me he would send me monthly allowance so I should take the opportunity. No monthly allowance. In fact, he gave me $10,000 right away and told me to pay it back when I have money. Around 6 months after that, I ended the relationship because I couldn't take it anymore.

I've been thinking of his abusive behaviors toward me for the whole 7 years we were together and somehow I think I deserve more than $10,000 for the emotional breakdowns I have...which is actually my justification of my financial condition right now, I can't pay because I don't have lol.

Do I really need to pay back? :biggrin:
 

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aquarius7000

Well-known member
Hi,

The following is my own opinion. Whilst I sympathize with you for whatever you have faced, there are two things that stick out for me and I want to share them: 1) he did give you $10,000 for your sole purpose of study, to pursue something you wanted to (it is a big sum of money even for the rich and it is a form of encouragement); 2) you are an adult and were, too, even during your relationship with him. This means the choice to stay with him, despite all you did not like about him, was yours and only yours.
 

cherrybelle

Well-known member
Yes, initially I really wanted to pay it all back then cut him out forever, but he told me to not really think about it and pay when ever I want, he was lazy to make new bank account and wanted to remain friends with me. But the things between us got ugly and he said he will not contacting me anymore.

So, I've been thinking lately about what will happen to the money? :bandit:
 

The_Saturnian

Well-known member
Hi. A tricky situation here. But I personally wouldn't relate to horary. Simply because it's more of a question of whether or not you want to return the money back to him. Horary can only point out what's to come, but if it's a matter of personal choice, I would say you're empowered here to determine the outcome. It's admirable that you're considering the matter but I suggest to make a decision based on how you feel and then act upon it.

Best of luck whatever you decide.
 

aquarius7000

Well-known member
Hi,

Sorry that I missed out on the Astrology part.

You are Venus and exalted in Pisces. He is Mars via Aries, and your second house ruler is also Mars, also in the same sign as Venus. Venus is also his second house ruler. Venus moves towards Mars. Due to no degrees on the planets I cannot make out if the aspect perfects before Venus perfects some other aspect. The ruler of both Mars and Venus, via Pisces, is Jupiter, which is on the Asc. The Moon is dignified in Taurus and in his house. I somehow get the feeling that you will pay and perhaps you know that too at the back of your mind. However, I do not see any pressure as in that you have to pay the complete amount together. I don't see that.
 

cherrybelle

Well-known member
Hi. A tricky situation here. But I personally wouldn't relate to horary. Simply because it's more of a question of whether or not you want to return the money back to him. Horary can only point out what's to come, but if it's a matter of personal choice, I would say you're empowered here to determine the outcome. It's admirable that you're considering the matter but I suggest to make a decision based on how you feel and then act upon it.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

I wanted to return it but he refused to do what I asked (make a new bank account). Now that I'm in a situation where I can't return it (school expenses, bad health, living expenses) and my friends told me I shouldn't return a penny considering how inhuman he was and I spent more for the bills than he did when we were together, regardless of him being rich lol. Further, he decided to go no contact as if I'm the one with mistakes. :pouty:
 

cherrybelle

Well-known member
Hi,

Sorry that I missed out on the Astrology part.

You are Venus and exalted in Pisces. He is Mars via Aries, and your second house ruler is also Mars, also in the same sign as Venus. Venus is also his second house ruler. Venus moves towards Mars. Due to no degrees on the planets I cannot make out if the aspect perfects before Venus perfects some other aspect. The ruler of both Mars and Venus, via Pisces, is Jupiter, which is on the Asc. The Moon is dignified in Taurus and in his house. I somehow get the feeling that you will pay and perhaps you know that too at the back of your mind. However, I do not see any pressure as in that you have to pay the complete amount together. I don't see that.

Venus conjunct mars in very wide orbs (10 degrees).
I thought that I should see the aspect between me (venus) and the 8th house from him (7th house), so it would be Jupiter.
 

waybread

Well-known member
Of course you need to pay it back. You gave your word. It's your integrity on the line.

If you can't pay all of the money back now, start making some installments.

Also, next time, please make sure we can see the degrees of the planets. It really matters when we're doing horary.
 

The_Saturnian

Well-known member
I wanted to return it but he refused to do what I asked (make a new bank account). Now that I'm in a situation where I can't return it (school expenses, bad health, living expenses) and my friends told me I shouldn't return a penny considering how inhuman he was and I spent more for the bills than he did when we were together, regardless of him being rich lol. Further, he decided to go no contact as if I'm the one with mistakes. :pouty:

Whilst I appreciated what your friends say, it's probably best to free yourself from the debt. At least that way you know in your heart and mind that you don't owe him anything. Sometimes we carry life debts that we may have owed in a past life somewhere (if you believe in reincarnation etc. that is of course). If so, think of it as freeing yourself completely from him.
 

katydid

Well-known member
So does he still ask you about it?

Maybe he has written it off as he may feel the same way you do at this point---that you are both even now and ready to move on...?
 

Bina

Well-known member
Do you feel like you owe him anything or do you feel like he owes you (and this could be a way for him to pay you back)? :innocent:
 

cherrybelle

Well-known member
So does he still ask you about it?

Maybe he has written it off as he may feel the same way you do at this point---that you are both even now and ready to move on...?

Tbh, I was always the one who brought the loan issues up, because I really wanted to pay at that time. I was very angry to realize how stupid I was to stay in shitty relationship for 7 years, I forgave him again and again even though he never apologized, I hoped he would change but he never did. So I wanted to pay it all back, cut all contacts and he can go to hell lol.

But he acted as if he wanted to "tie" me up with the loan, he wanted to keep me as friend so that he could make me a basket case of his problems. Few months ago, I told him that I had enough of it and he hurt me so bad by telling me how he treats girls he's approaching nicely in daily basis. Taking them to nice restaurants and give them gifts almost every day, things that he never did to me in our whole 7 years of relationship. I made it clear to him that I wasn't jealous of those girls, it's just I felt like a garbage lol. So he decided to go no contact for my happiness.

He never asked his money back but he never said he would give it away....and this make me feel uneasy since I want to pay but I can't now and I doubt I would be able to pay any sooner.
 

aquarius7000

Well-known member
Venus conjunct mars in very wide orbs (10 degrees).
I thought that I should see the aspect between me (venus) and the 8th house from him (7th house), so it would be Jupiter.
Even if you take his 8th house, which is the chart's 2nd house, which is Scorpio and ruled by Mars, you still are looking at how Venus (you) behaves towards Mars. Both Venus and Mars have dignity, but Venus (you) is stronger through exaltation. This obviously shows that you have the power to decide.

I completely agree with The Saturnian that you need to free yourself of your debt and not having it hanging it on your conscience. How you feel about him today as a person does not relieve you of the debt. The fact is he helped you with his money (a pretty generous sum) although he wasn't married to you. That speaks in his favour. He did not have to do it no matter how much money he has. Hardly anyone does that. Looking back, how you feel about him (and he must have his own opinion about you, too) does not relieve you of your responsibility of paying back what you took from him. You should be fair and pay it back, and believe me, you will feel relieved in a way because then you can completely extricate yourself with anything to do with him.
 

cherrybelle

Well-known member
Do you feel like you owe him anything or do you feel like he owes you (and this could be a way for him to pay you back)? :innocent:

Honestly, I think he owes me more considering I never calculated what I spent for him (and he always remembers how much he spent for me). He said he doesn't want to have a gold digger woman, so I needed to participate 50-50. He paid for rent and I paid for all bills and foods...which was actually a lot more than the rent but I never counted it. I also spent for vacations... I used to think I would marry him...and he said after we get married, it would be my responsibility to take care all of the bills with my own money so he could save his money in bank. Weird and selfish 'agreement' but I didn't complain lol.

The problem is I never calculated what I had given to him, it's unfair but I feel responsible of this 'loan'.
 
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aquarius7000

Well-known member
Honestly, I think he owes me more considering I never calculated what I spent for him (and he always remembers how much he spent for me). He said he doesn't want to have a gold digger woman, so I needed to participate 50-50...
No two people are alike. The fact that you "never calculated" and he did is because you are two different persons. And, in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, it isn't unheard of that people do a 50-50, when it comes to rent, etc. Everything else in today's world is a favour towards the other. However, he gave you $10K JUST for your own study, although he didn't know whether you were going to spend the rest of your life with him or not. It was a very noble thing to do on his part. No matter how stingy, etc. he must be otherwise.

Also, as said, the fact you stayed with him was your own choice. In my eyes, to justify to oneself that his nature or the fact I spent too in my relationship with him, all that means I do not owe him the amount I borrowed from him, would be incorrect and bad karma (a bad deed). You want to be above all that. If you were in his shoes, you would also want your money back. Just do it and free yourself for the rest of your life from him. You don't want this hanging over you for the rest of your life. Integrity is more important and something that cannot be re-earned once lost, unlike money. The fact that you asked this question here and still have the debt at the back of your mind, shows me you are a person of integrity and credibility.
 
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Bina

Well-known member
Sounds like you can't do anything about it right now, as you are short of money. So the best thing is just to wait and see if how you feel about it changes, perhaps there will be a point where you can let go of the situation without feeling guilty ... or you might have the money later on, and if you still want to pay him back then, you would be in a position to do so...:sideways:
 
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cherrybelle

Well-known member
Sounds like you can't do anything about it right now, as you are short of money. So the best thing is just to wait and see if how you feel about it changes, perhaps there will be a point where you can let go of the situation without feeling guilty ... or you might have the money later on, and if you still want to pay him back then, you would be in a position to do so...:sideways:

True lol, idk why i keep on thinking about it every day, it's been like 6 months or so. It really makes me anxious that I couldn't pay it back, I'm currently taking grad school with scholarship which will end soon but I have problems with my dissertation, no guarantee I would graduate next semester. No job and no scholarship. :sad:

I know for sure he couldn't bring me to court (if he continues to be a dick) since no written agreement and I live in different country. Still, I feel so anxious about it lol. What if he would tell people bad things about me, what if he would come to my parents etc.
 

Bina

Well-known member
True lol, idk why i keep on thinking about it every day, it's been like 6 months or so. It really makes me anxious that I couldn't pay it back, I'm currently taking grad school with scholarship which will end soon but I have problems with my dissertation, no guarantee I would graduate next semester. No job and no scholarship. :sad:

I know for sure he couldn't bring me to court (if he continues to be a dick) since no written agreement and I live in different country. Still, I feel so anxious about it lol. What if he would tell people bad things about me, what if he would come to my parents etc.

From what you wrote before it doesn't sound like he would do any of those things. He didn't make it easy for you to pay him back when you wanted to and were in a position to do so. And now he cut contact with you - which is good really, it doesn't sound like it's good for you to still be in contact with him. It could well be that he also feels guilty for how he treated you, and this might be the reason he has not given you a chance to pay him back earlier and he is also not asking you to return the money now. If he has any conscience, he would feel bad about being abusive towards you, and for that reason he wouldn't do any of those things that you fear either. You probably have a lot more bad things to tell about him, and he knows this, so don't worry! :sideways:
 
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waybread

Well-known member
cherrybelle, whether or not this man behaves like a complete d***-head is completely irrelevant as to whether or not you owe him the money. You do. If you can't pay it back as a lump sum, work out some small installments that you can make on a monthly basis.

Most of us don't know someone who could and would simply write a check for 10 grand to someone for her education expenses. Most students would have to go to their student loan office on campus or to the bank, and just hope they wouldn't get killed on the interest rate. And then the students can't just decide that they hate the loan officer, so that cancels out the debt.

Whatever kind of utter creep your ex may be, he gave you one sweet deal, financially, that few students could hope for.

The least you can do now is keep your integrity in the game.

If you want a horary reading, please repost your chart with one where we can read the degrees. It matters.
 
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