Hey, thanks for your reply.
Well, there seems to be an emphasis on relationships in my life, even though I haven't yet established one... just brief encounters! I've even isolated myself, and tried not to even pursue anybody out of fear of rejection, being hurt again... and mainly, showing a part of me that I don't like myself. And yet its all I seem to to think about, or perhaps all I really need? As I said they've all been brief encounters, but some have had potential, but I've messed them up almost straight away. Its like, literally, within a week these feelings are kicked up, but because I don't know what they are or what they mean, I struggle with them.
Either, I tell the person - but trying to explain something to somebody when you don't even know yourself (especially where feelings are concerned), it can seem quite intense and overwhelming to the other person. And inevitably they run away. I mean, these feelings might actually be very insignificant or not as strong as I think they are, or as strong as I've made them out to be. I just can't seem to put my feelings into simple words!!
Or, like more recently, I cut off contact with the person or come up with x-amount of excuses, if I think these feelings are appearing again.
But it always seem to be right away, so a relationship never seems to get off the ground. The way a lot have ended have been quite dramatic. Once I held my feelings in for someone for well over 12 months, and then WHOOOSH! But it was a very very hurtful experience, and I don't even know why I did it to myself. I was so sadly disillusioned.
I have never had a good deal of confidence, even from the start... but as a result of these difficult relations with people, my confidence seems to be non-existent... and the events have confirmed for me that I'm not worthy of anybody, undeserving of a decent relationship, and that part of me (my emotions) is ugly and unacceptable.
And yet, every now and then, I let my guard down to somebody, then regret doing so afterwards because I know whats gonna happen, and then it does happen, and so many problems get created!
I have always had a interest in astrology since I was 19, I mean 25 now, but its only been the last 12 months that I've gonna that bit deeper. I've started looking into detail certain aspects, etc, not just the couple of sentences you may get with astrological reports. There's such a wealth of information to take in!
I've felt very lost and directionless the last couple of years, or I've felt a conflict in directions. I left school and wanted to be a computer networker... I went to college, then to university to achieve it, but I dropped out whilst at university because I found it boring, and it weren't for me (even though, there was no doubt, I could do it). The following year I tried my hand at music production (which, I think ultimately is the arena I would most like to go into) but circumstances made it difficult to even attend classes because of a conflict with my employment. So I decided to knock education on the head altogether, and get a full-time job. I've attempted to go back to university a few times but it hasn't happened. The recession came along and financial difficulties at home made it further difficult.
My time seems to be only spent, going to work, coming home and either sitting here at the PC or drinking excessively - the latter has no doubt caused and is causing problems, not just my health but with relations with people (as if they weren't difficult enough already haha!). But I'm so stuck in my comfort zone and the easy path that I'm struggling to get out. I find myself constantly depressed - or see-sawing between euphoria and depression. Since I have also isolated myself, my attacks of loneliness are sometimes overwhelming. I have always felt lonely, or a bit of a loner, even as a child. Even at school I found it hard relating to my peers - I got on more with the teachers. So I'd say I have a general communication problem anyway. But as result, I felt very different from everybody else, even if that wasn't really the case. I never had a stable friendship with anyone at school. And the ones I did hang around with it, it was never consistent between us. I suppose I was a bit of a moody child and used to (and sometimes still do) take things terribly personally. It was only until I developed a sense of humour that things started to change a bit. I guess, if I wasn't so serious in the past, things might have been different, or I may perceived things differently.
But even though I am aware of all this, there seems to be a part of me that wants to stay this way, like some self-destructive urge in me!!
Sorry to waffle on, once I get going I can't stop. Haha!
Thanks
http://www.lutwychedb.co.uk/chart.gif
I can absolutely relate. I tend to be too much of a thinker and not enough of a doer
