madsketcher
Member
My life has completely fallen apart. I know that the reason is so that I can be the musician I am supposed to be. I've been developing behind the scenes as a singer/songwriter for a long time, and I know I'm good, even though I barely have an ego for it. I know that things have fallen apart because I am supposed to be singing. I have a unique and powerful voice. It is energetically potent. I feel paralyzed about vulnerability. Especially now. I've been typecast as a visual artist and went through the motions of being a freelance illustrator while not caring much about it. My illustration career (if you can call it that) is officially over; it has been destroyed. But so has everything else. I am homeless. I have been homeless for almost 2 months. My computer was stolen. I've exhausted getting financial donations through clients/supporters. Soon some of my clients will be filing PayPal claims for unfinished/undelivered work, which will put me in the negative. I don't have a bank account, I've just been using PayPal as my bank/debit card source. I don't have I don't have any family or real friends. I am stuck in NYC. I want to kill myself. I fear it won't get better.
I am carrying a lot of trauma. I was targeted and psychologically tortured by satanic/occult groups in my early 20s. They even used sound technology on me. It changed how I operated in the world. I became a nomad, moved around a lot. I stopped paying taxes and bills. I'm terrible with money. My current ID expired in 2017. I feel exiled. I've had countless secret enemies in my life, working against me. This has been exhausting and damaging to my psyche on a level I cannot express. I tried reintegrating into society in the past year but it feels too late. Everything feels too late. It feels too late to try and pursue music. I don't even think I care about my dreams anymore. I feel broken and too tired to bother. I don't think I want to get on my feet. I think I want it to get worse, until I snap, and make that jump I have been planning. I almost did it 3 weeks ago. But I had more hope then. And I didn't want to upset bar patrons and staff. But I wouldn't care about that now.
If anyone can help give me some sort of hope, that might possibly help. But I don't know right now. I have nothing. Nobody. I feel disgusting. I don't know how to get on my feet. I feel like a child and I don't understand this place. I want to go home. I just want to be free of all of this pain.
I am carrying a lot of trauma. I was targeted and psychologically tortured by satanic/occult groups in my early 20s. They even used sound technology on me. It changed how I operated in the world. I became a nomad, moved around a lot. I stopped paying taxes and bills. I'm terrible with money. My current ID expired in 2017. I feel exiled. I've had countless secret enemies in my life, working against me. This has been exhausting and damaging to my psyche on a level I cannot express. I tried reintegrating into society in the past year but it feels too late. Everything feels too late. It feels too late to try and pursue music. I don't even think I care about my dreams anymore. I feel broken and too tired to bother. I don't think I want to get on my feet. I think I want it to get worse, until I snap, and make that jump I have been planning. I almost did it 3 weeks ago. But I had more hope then. And I didn't want to upset bar patrons and staff. But I wouldn't care about that now.
If anyone can help give me some sort of hope, that might possibly help. But I don't know right now. I have nothing. Nobody. I feel disgusting. I don't know how to get on my feet. I feel like a child and I don't understand this place. I want to go home. I just want to be free of all of this pain.
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