When each day just feels like you're on your Death Bed

....................

I am sorry that you've had such a rough life. Please realize that this forum has rules against posting about suicidal intentions: the mods will shut this thread down if this is what you are doing. Please call your nearest suicide hot-line for the kind of assistance that the professionals and trained volunteers can give you, but we cannot.

Now--- how can we help you?

Intense reading brother

Well this is seriosuly ****** up. However let me tell you something:

You did all those things, and managed to survive that long? I find that actually shows how strong you really are. I think that speaks volumes about how great you are.

Let me offer you some, perspective. You can take it the way you want.

Regarding your relationships: you are goign to meet crazy people your entire life; sure Cris was a big dissapointment given you seemed to have finally found something "good" in your life for the first time. But, even for people that have it easier in life, relationships are still always a problem. I understand that to you, it hurts much more than to other people because of how your life was, and the emotional support you needed. But still, trust me, what you described about your relationship with Cris, happens to a lot of people. Don't give up cause of her.

Regarding your family. Yes, they are a-holes in every sense. Lets see: they've never tried to help you, they've never tried to understand you. So....

...why do you keep caring? Just ignore them. Have as little contact as possible. Once you realise they are empty people, you will stop worring about them.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that given your past its hard to not let your parents influence your life given you truly needed their emotional support.

I suppose in some sense they do love you, its just that they are so stupid they can't do anything properly. I mean lets analyse your mother: she had a failed marriage, tons of failed relationships with different men, failed relationship with her children. So... I know it hurts, but why do you put such a pathethic person so high up in the sky? Let her be ****** up, and ignore her.

Truth is you were alone, emotionally, for a very long time, until you met Cris and had your first love experience. The fact that you were able to survive for so long, and contain yourself, is something you should be proud of.

Your chart basically supports Dirius's post: that you have a lot of strength. I've counted five domiciled planets: Pluto (modern,) Saturn, Mars, Venus, and Mercury. Actually, you are also very ambitious, with your sun and Mars quintiling Pluto; so maybe a lot of your self-flagellation is about not meeting your high standards for yourself. But with those oppositions to Chiron-Jupiter, you don't expect good luck to come your way. Just make sure this doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as it is entirely possible to organize your life to ensure that disappointment happens.

What about some new tropes for you? Like:

"I am a survivor."

"No matter what life throws at me, I can land on my feet."

Or better yet:

"Through the many adversities I have experienced in life, I have become more helpful and compassionate towards other people."

You probably also have some artistic ability, whether you've developed it or not to this point. Does music, journaling, writing poetry, or painting have meaning for you? These are all beneficial emotional outlets.

WaterCopter said:

Does my chart say anything?

Click to expand...

Yes, I think it says a great deal, and certainly explains (to me at any rate) many of the difficulties you have faced in life so far.

For example:

-I consider Mars to be the significator of your natal chart (ie, the ruler of your nativity); and its strong, being in its domicile in Aries and in sect and in its house of joy (the 6th house); and Mars I think will be what finally lifts you up and onto the next higher level of your life (that is, positive qualities linked with Mars, like WILL and FIGHTING SPIRIT)
-but also in the chart, Mars squares Jupiter ($$, career, etc), and it also squares Uranus (perhaps causing things you do spontaneously to turn out hard and disappointingly, at least thus far in your life), and squares Neptune (perhaps causing your "dreams" and intuitions to be a source of problems in your actual day to day life); harmonization of Mars (by using its own POSITIVE qualities to change the habitual Mars trend so far in your life) is probably the most important single change you need to make.

-Pluto rising in Scorpio in the first whole sign house is most powerful; yet Pluto is also rx, which means its expression(manifestation) is self-conflicted
Rising 1st house Pluto means all kinds of potentials for uncommon, eccentric, and highly individualistic thoughts, actions, and events (occurring to the person); it also definitely pushes toward isolation; and can be an influence favoring the potential of suicide: it can give an "I'm all alone in the universe" sensation (one of isolation), as one of its negative influences, but the same uncommon and (highly) unconventional Plutonian influence COULD also be harnessed (using a Will strengthened by Mars) to propel the Pluto/rising/1st house person to very unique and elevated levels of mind, spirit and experience.

-Pluto opposes Venus: yes Venus is strong (domicle of Taurus, angular 7th house), which shows strong potential for Venus (that is, for everything connected with the Venus symbol); but Venus opposes rising Pluto: until that disharmonious contact between Venus and Pluto can be harmonized, unusual and (usually disappointing) results involving Venus connected matters, will continue-the Pluto/Venus opposition certainly explains your disappointments with love, so far in your life experience.


-1st house Pluto (particularly as it is placed in Scorpio) gives you a "Plutonian Mind", which is not necessarily "mentally ill", but rather one that is uncommon, highly unconventional, and which can EASILY be misinterpreted by "experts" who base their knowledge about the mind on conventional, common, "statistically averaged" data and phenomena.

-Jupiter is opposed by Uranus and Neptune, yet it is strong in its exaltation in Cancer; the "too intense" quality of Uranus and the "dreamily idealistic and energy-dispersing" quality of Neptune, have, so far, afflicted everything connected with Jupiter ($$, success, high educational attainment, advancement, etc): and will continue to be thus afflicted UNTIL (through Mars WILL and fighting spirit) you understand the negative qualities of Uranus and Neptune (especially, I think, of Neptune) and overcome them by focusing (and directing your energies) upon the POSITIVE qualities of those planets. Heck, exalted Jupiter is also the most elevated planet in your geniture, so it gives great promise IF the afflicting influences of Uranus and Neptune can be put into harmony with the Jupiter energy. And note too that there is already some "help" for Jupiter, since rising Pluto is in harmonizing trine to Jupiter; Uranus/Neptune vis-a-vis disharmony with Jupiter is what needs to be corrected for a fundamental positive change (regarding Jupiter symbolized matters of life) to occur.

-Moon conjunct the IC (the bottom of the chart) shows emotions to be hidden and kept deep within, with difficulty regarding emotional openness and free expression: a major problem here since Moon squares Venus, and also opposes the MC (higher advancement of life): work (with the WILL of chart ruler Mars) upon correcting this, upon bringing emotions out into the open, especially in Venus-connected matters (such as relationships of love), and there will automatically be improvement and a reversal of the tendencies and trends denoted by the Moon.

...these are just a few the the most salient astrological elements I have noticed in looking at your natal chart, but I (at least) think that they well account for the problems as you have listed them, which have occurred SO FAR during your life.

Watercopter, if it's any consolation, most of us on the planet have gone through long-term relationships that started out with so much promise, but then let us down-- painfully hard.

You will never forget "Cris" but you can move on from this relationship into the relationships that are next in your life.

Whether or not you are religious, I hope you get the gist of the saying, "Let go and let God." You may be one of those spiritual athletes who, prior to incarnation, accepted a difficult material life as a means of fast-forwarding your spiritual growth. (Define "God" and "spiritual" in whatever way resonates with you-- not in the ways that don't.)

God bless.

WaterCopter,

Here's the thing. I can read your chart. But what will you do with that information? How will you use that information to empower yourself, or do you plan to feel sorry and feel that all the positive is just a sham I am trying to please and appease you with?

I feel really sorry for all that you had to go through, but, believe me, you have faced a big share of your problems in your early life - Pluto in the first house and Mars in the 5th. However, let me tell you, I have heard much worse stories from some, whose charts I read. And, I say this, just so you understand that we all have our share of problems. Even (or rather especially) the rich and the famous. So, answer my questions, if you will, and I will peel back your chart further.

WaterCopter said:

I'm sorry for being frank

Click to expand...

Why apologize for being open about your disagreement?

WaterCopter said:

A Canadian thing, I guess.

Honestly, I'm apologizing for any discomfort that might from it. Maybe I put her on the defensive and I didn't mean for any harm. She offered me her time and I refused. For someone to offer that freeingly, and to be rejected, some take it personally.

Click to expand...

That's a mature way of looking at things.

Thanks for letting me know. Entirely your prerogative to chose not to answer my one question in your otherwise long post with critique. I don't wish to continue such a conversation and will unsubscribe from this thread after this post. Oh and just to let you know that I had come here with the intention to help and my asking that question was a way to provoke you to move forward and out of what you seem to be stuck in. That is why I first said, I am willing to read your chart - but what will you do with the information- so you get thinking about the future. How is that rude?????? And I was also trying to show you that people have much worse troubles, as I said in my previous post, so you don't think that life is unfair just to you, so you don't feel too badly. How is that rude????? If I did not have the intention to help, I would not have responded to your thread in the first place. Lord knows that there is no dearth of threads on this forum.

However, after reading your perspective of my post (to your point - seeing things from "their own perspective"), I will also exercise my prerogative and unsubscribe from the thread so as to not have to face further unnecessary insinuations. Good thing I know this before putting in further time and effort, when I can help many others on this forum as I have been for 5-6 years now. The one good thing I learnt from your post is to be just as "frank". Good luck.

WaterCopter said:

I appreciate your offer but because of this, I will respectfully refuse. I don't wish to have a reading from someone who takes one's trauma from their own perspective. I'd rather leave the bias out of it.

If you would care for criticism, PTSD can develop in the most simplistic of things. One can go through a war zone and walkout unharmed, mentally, while someone on base can have a mortar go off 100 [ft] from them and they'll be shipped home from signs of severe PTSD symptoms. It would be beneficial to take note of the example given.

I'm not stating the severity of what I think my situation details, and nor did I give a full description of what I experienced, nor stated my issues are more or less traumatic than the next, but I really disapprove of how rude to minimalism any troubles any face because YOU gauge the severity of the situation as opposed to an unbiased body or clinical understanding.

I'm sorry for being frank; but you speak of very old practices that have been long abandoned due to the shear ignorance and lack of productivity that comes from such mindsets.

Thank you for your offer, but I respectfully don't want any of it. Cheers.

I might have taken what you said out of context; and I would definitely appreciate it if you correct me (and I definitely will apologize if this is the case). None the less, the people here have been very helpful and I think I'm coming to pass with this.

Click to expand...

That's quite a list, WC.

On an astrological note, notice that your natal Sun is in the 8th and Saturn is still transiting your 2nd house, i.e. opposite your natal Sun. If you add to that Saturn having been transiting your 1st house and ASC before that, i.e. opposite your natal Venus and 7th house, then this should at least in part explain your troublesome situation in the past 4-5 years.

On a non-astrological note, the pattern I see in your OP is that you almost entirely depend on other people's input in terms of self-worth and guidance. That's a recipe for disaster.

I suggest you get re-diagnosed by another psychologist. The symptoms you are describing is more akin to Borderline personality disorder. More than likely P.T.S.D. also.

Your focus should be on regaining self-confidence. That will change everything, your outlook on things in general and how people react to you in general. Astrology can help you there. It can show you your actual potential and strength and reestablish a sense of purpose. And once you've got that sense of purpose back you'll be back on your own feet again. This can happen in a matter of days or years or never. It all depends on how determined you are to turn your life around and start thriving again. From reading your posts, I can see that you really want to get to the bottom of this and so I think you could do it rather quickly. The determination is there. But at some point you also have to say "That (the list) was then and this (fresh start) is now!" Let the past be past for a while until you are more stable. Then you can revisit everything again from a new and fresh perspective.

Thanks for your heart-felt post, watercopter.

What do you want you next chapter to look like?

Hi.

Have you tried taking up meditation of some kind? such as can be found in some yoga practices? Or in something as simple as long walks or listening to music - I think what is really needed from reading your post is a way to quiet the mind.

IC is in Aquarius with moon, which will create quite alot of inner unrest/anxiety. And there extreme intensity also shown. Pluto rising with pluto in the 1st, Leo ruling the MC with an 8th house gemini sun. Which associates pluto with mercury, leading to obsessive thoughts, a need for controlling situations. Even the long detailed history listed in your post and the psychological analysis of the ex- is what pluto does when teamed up with mercury. This is also likely where the OCD stems from. I have OCD as well, but not as severe as yours. I have a virgo IC and pluto opposite mercury. Same thing. I spend a good deal dissecting people and situations in a similar fashion. When there is a lack of being able to control events in my life, or my surroundings my OCD will pick up again to deal with the stress.
(everything from lock checking/rechecking, turning knobs on the stove to guarantee they are off, hand washing/face washing, and scalp picking which is usually the most comforting for high stress situations.) Anyway, I find what really helps is having time to completely zone out. Either through meditation i.e. yoga or listening to music really loud on headphones. Most aqua moons I know like electronic music of some kind, music can be very therapeutic tool also.
Something to keep in mind - is that you will never be able to change other people, don't waste your time trying - all the psychoanalysis in the world won't fix the people in your life, they are there to teach you something, but don't allow them to be your downfall. What is totally in your control is how you react to people/situations - changing that is the answer.

good luck

WaterCopter said:

It's not healthy. Posting on here isn't healthy (knowing her friends and herself still loath over watching me online).

Click to expand...

I said this in your other post, but I'll say it again. Unless you told/show her you frequent this site, there is no reason to believe she (or her friends) are watching you online. That might be paranoia on your part.

The chances that she would actually stumble upon a forum and find your post is very low.

Again, assuming you didn't actually tell/show her you've been posting here. Excluding this case, its safe for you to unload your problems here.

Watercopter, just see if you can take one day at a time-- or even one hour at a time, or one moment at a time. See if you can focus for a moment each hour on something beautiful or that uplifts your spirits. Maybe it's music, a book of paintings, candles in the evening. House plants, flowers, a view of a tree outside your window.

I was diagnosed with a mild case of PTSD when I was in my early 40s, due to childhood trauma. At a stressful time in my life then, I was "splitting" quite a lot. This is why I think anything you can do to focus on something soothing and beautiful can be restorative.

WaterCopter said:

Most people can't even imagine what true OCD is like and the hell we go through. People joke about having OCD all the time or claim they have some form of mild OCD (which isn't true). They claim they get some anxieties where they NEED order, they NEED to do something, but that isn't what it's like to live with OCD.

I refused to drive or work with heavy equipment because of the thoughts I'd get. Thinking that somehow, stepping on a crack, or using the lawnmower with the dogs behind the fence somehow would equate to killing them, or killing multiple people, or "triggering" someone to end up murdering people; or maybe somehow I hurt someone. Then you would have to spend hours researching the area, or some topic, trying to prove to yourself, no, it's not possible, or no, everything is fine, nothing here proves anyone was harmed.

Click to expand...

It's unfortunate that OCD is a term that isn't really taken seriously, I agree. If I tell people that I have OCD, they always say "yeah me too".
But it's a world of difference when you have persistent thoughts of something unpleasant that hasn't even occured, or you can't leave your house because there is something bugging you that needs to be done, or you can't eat because again there is something bugging you that needs to be done. Or when you line up a entire disaster scenario. Sometimes I think these fears associated with OCD, that one does not have direct experience with, might be a past life impression.

Lastly, what I meant about control, is not that you wish to control someone, as in dominate them. Rather, not being able to have any control over life situations - breakups, deaths, abuse and so on usually will cause stress, which will in turn trigger the ocd symptoms.

wish the best to you as well.

watercopter, as the saying goes, you may never get over her, let alone forget her. But you are gaining some valuable perspective on a woman who ultimately proved to be wrong for you. As Tennyson put it, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." You are an emotionally richer, deeper more mature person now, in hindsight. In fact, if poems and popular songs are anything to go by, you're in good company in the Department of Love That Didn't Work Out.

In dealing with my PTSD when it flared up (quiescent now, thankfully) I found that a few good moments or a good hour each day were really beneficial.