Call it journal entry, call it whatever but man today hit me hard like a ton of bricks. I actually had a chance to pick out gaps in my own development that resurfaced, hard to explain.
Like I look at the situation involving me and the exotic woman I speak of, how she might not like guys who look like me or act like me because of who I am. I do not see men like me get with women like her and that spirals into a negative tailspin where ego confronts desire and it goes into a nasty dark place.
I want women of type X, I feel like naturally that due to things about me they do not want me, and that leads to me lending myself to things like bigotry, racism, hatred, anger, and disdain. The saying goes, disdain that which you cannot have. Then I have dark fantasies about having power over them and making them suffer if I am in that position of power because somehow I take their rejection of men like as some sort of disdain, like they want to see me dead.
The more I think about it, the more I see it as that Leo ego mixing in a bad way with the Scorpionic Pluto to produce some real real evil inside of me. Whew, that was quite a lot to get off my chest, quite a lot.
I imagine scenarios where I make women are of the background that are keen to go for men like me into favorable positions and then use power games to make life miserable for women who do not.
Now I even see it playing out with astrology, it is so strange because it happened in my head today. What's odd is that race and nationality got changed to zodiac sign.
Somehow my encounter with this woman who has given me intense feelings has made me hate all Sag women to the point where I think they are all evil Ann Coulters. Then I think of why that is. Basically the pairing between a Sag woman and Leo man being very rare or unheard of (compared to Sag women and other sun signs) made me take it as them having it out for Leo men and wanting Leo men to suffer or seeing Leos as inferior. It was the weirdest stuff....
Now I am sure somewhere out there, a Leo man and Sag woman are making sweet love, or who knows maybe it is truly an odd and rare pairing which irks me because I am thinking it should not be odd or rare at all.
So I thought more about it and then it sprung up again.
I have had these sorts of thoughts for almost years and now whatever is happening in my life is presenting itself.
It's like Pluto or Saturn coming together and saying to me what am I going to do now?
Replace one race with another, one nationality with another, and the list can go on. Now take race and nationality out of it, use a freaking zodiac sign, there you go.
Those change but somehow underlying in me, how I approach that rejection does not and what it spirals out into for me mentally does not either.
Whatever happens, these transits want me to somehow do something with these feelings.