Bad Relationship With Father

The Saturn in Aries thing is very eerie as well. My dad does see himself in me, and pressures me because he claims that he doesn't want me to face the same problems he has had. He did have me during his Saturn return, and of course that was a very pivotal time. He said that when I was born, the course of his life changed and he had to make many sacrifices (career wise). That's when he came to America. But also, he explains to me that his mother, father, and only brother died before and around the time when I was born. His mother died when he was a teenager, but his father was an alcoholic and my dad didn't know him well. His father also hit his mother and him. I think the death of his brother affected him strongly because his brother took care of him when their mother died, and he was the only person that helped him. Now that all his family is gone, he feels lonely.

But my dad was an alcoholic for a time as well. I was around 6-9 years old during this time. He wasn't as mean to me then, but he was very irresponsible and this was when he fought and argued A LOT with my mother. I know this sounds strange, but during this time, I was the one who would try to make them make-up. I hated their fighting, but little did I know later on it would be directed towards me.

I just wanted to give a little background to some things.

Now all everyone on the thread has been wanting me to find a way out, and I do have options. I am only 15 and therefore too young to live on my own, and I have no other family members. But, I have the option of escaping until college. My father wants to send me to a boarding school, where I'd be living there during the school year. I also have the option to study abroad for a year. If I do got accepted, like BluEyedGrl mentioned Saturn transiting the 9th, this will be a way to build a stronger career foundation, but also cultivate the distance I need to find a way to improve my relationship with my family (greybeard, Lin, Aquarius700, princessvalhalla mentioned and suggested). This would be my only practical plan, Lin.

I have one question, though: will things get better? If I do get accepted to the school, I think that may be one step to change. I know my chart has set up important life lessons that are veiled by difficulties, but I am willing to overcome them. I'm just scared sometimes, I'll be honest.

But I'll say this again, thank you to nth power for the support, advice and input. Thank you so much. I will keep reading and re-reading your advice and keep it in the back of my head. I've come to many realizations thanks to you guys. All the astrological insight from greybeard and others have affirmed a lot of things, but also opened my eyes.

Thanks again.

Surreal

This is non astrological,
but I hope you do go to the boarding school...or any manner of escaping the situation I hope you will take. Getting out of the abusive environment will help you see it from another perspective. Your mother is stuck in victim mode.. trying to walk on eggshells, trying not to make any waves. in the hope it will restore harmony and prevent violence from occuring. The fact is it won't. There is no way to keep an abuser from abusing. At first its fighting back, and realizing it makes things worse, so then it's going quiet/passive hoping if they just don't make the situation worse it will just go away. and not be there. The only solution, is getting out. There is no working with an abuser to make them less violent.

The only thing that is important is you being out of that environment. Don't let your parents blame games sink in, the problem is the two of them. And has nothing really to do with you. Don't blame yourself, because it's not your fault, nor will it ever be. please remember that.

I really, really, wish you all the best hun. ::hugs::

Hi,

surrealsuburb123 said:

....I have one question, though: will things get better? If I do get accepted to the school, I think that may be one step to change. I know my chart has set up important life lessons that are veiled by difficulties, but I am willing to overcome them. I'm just scared sometimes, I'll be honest....

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Surreal, it is very normal to be scared. Even the so-called adults are. Look at your own mother. I pity her alot. She seems stuck in a real bad rut there. I hope for her that she gets some help. Probably she feels she just won't make it on her own and getting help from outside would only aggravate the situation more, and your father might end up leaving her. I feel sorry for her. That she lets it out on you, oh well, I feel sorry for you, but again also for her. I think probably she doesn't even realise it. Maybe she is just too exasperated. I think each of you three are, and it has become a vicious circle to take it out on eachother. From all the things you have shared about your family, to me it comes across as (and apologies if this sounds cruel) that your parents don't do what they do out of spite, but it seems like years of pent-up frustration (your father losing his family; your mother living with an abusive husband) is finding its outlet now. I just hope you can forgive them and they each other, and still stay a family. I think you will make it.

I always feel that God puts certain people together as a family for a reason. It is, like I said earlier, the duty of both sides (parents and children) to maintain that bond. Needless to say, and like I earlier said, to maintain that bond in different ways and in different measure. For e.g., they as parents should take up the responsibility of their actions and correct them, treat you better. If you were to go to boarding school, you don't just save yourself from the oppression, but also give a chance for the dust to settle in the family, and to start anew. You thus share part of your responsibility. Sometimes such families become the most close-knit ones later.

Anyway, before I deviate too much from the real question you have asked, to me the boarding school sounds like a sensible idea. It will not only give you a place to stay and education, but, being a school, also set boundaries, which is even needed at 15 (sorry, I didn't realise your age earlier), though you seem quite mature already. Look at this option carefully. Sometimes it helps to go with your writing pad and pen to a park and just sit under a tree by yourself, mull the options over, and write down the pros and cons on a sheet of paper. When you have it there in black and white, things start taking shape, if you know what I mean. It will be like a roadmap giving you a sense of direction. If you then, in a peaceful moment, discuss this option with your dad, in a way that makes him feel you are seeking his advice (and he gets that importance and you looking upto him in that way), may be his reaction would be a more harmonious one. Even if it isn't just let him peacefully (without provocation) know what your intention is and that you actually liked his own suggestion of the boarding school.

Best
AQ7

I liked what "Ashriia" wrote.
I believe that what you would gain from being able to get through school without being abused and blamed every day.....without having to argue and without the pressure both parents are heaping onto you....would far outweigh any downside.

It will be very different.... and whenever we are thrust into "different" quickly, we can't know in advance how we will feel.

I can't help thinking about our former First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt: she was an awkward teen who didn't feel she "fit in" anywhere. She had lost both parents within a few years of each other ,and lived with Aunts who were much older that her parents had been,
They sent her to school in Europe....and there she blossomed and came to really love it. She wanted to stay on after 2 years but her Aunts forced her to come home. However, what she learned at that school formed her thinking for her whole life.

It's because she was a "leader" and THAT part of her "came out" when she was away from home.

I think that when you are intelligent, you need to take any advantage you can to foster that intelligence....and with your emotional side always stressed, it can be hard for you to "find your authentic self."

As for your mother: she probably has had no life except that of wife and mother. She is encompassed with fear and projects that onto you. Weak people always project their **** onto the strong .... and with you unavailable, maybe your parents will come to realize that they have to work out their own issues, without using YOU as the scapegoat. Which you obviously are now.

You can't be responsible for your parents happiness. It's just not possible. And I admire you for having the presence of mind to say that to your parents, no matter how they responded to it.

And I have to say that at your age I, also, tried NOT engaging with my parents....speaking only when absolutely necessary. Needless to say, that didn't go over well either. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

It was only many years later, when I came to realize that my father HAD been an alcoholic, albeit a highly functional one, and that I was what is known as "ACOA", the adult child of an alcoholic, that I fell into certain behaviors that have been identified as behaviors peculiar to ACOAs ... such as "co-dependence" and in the "fight or flight" situation, always "flying." I'd had enough fighting. Only then did I realize how I'd been damaged. Because when you are young, you may be intelligent, but don't always have "objectivity."... you can't see the much larger picture.

I make a guess about WHY you have gotten so many responses on this thread: all the responders have been "there" on one level or another .... and want YOU to escape.
LIN

Well by golly Lin.....You win the Golden Hammer Award.

You hit the nail right on the head...

We've all been there, done that

And want to see Suburb triumph in life.

What a great bunch of very positive responses, from everyone.

The only thing that is important is you being out of that environment. Don't let your parents blame games sink in, the problem is the two of them. And has nothing really to do with you. Don't blame yourself, because it's not your fault, nor will it ever be. please remember that.

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I agree, ashriia. This will be in the back of my head. You are right, it isn't my fault and I will slowly accept that even though they still point their fingers at me. Thank you for the support. <3

I just hope you can forgive them and they each other, and still stay a family. I think you will make it.

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I think I can, but forgiveness will just have to find its way into me after I feel it all subsides, or at least after I've taken the distance I need.

aquarius7000, I think you are right. I feel that the best option is to at least confront him in a friendly and civilized way so he won't feel threatened. Thanks again.

I agree with Lin. I guess when this all comes from people with similar experiences, it becomes easier to accept that I'm not doomed to something and that there are ways that I can escape this ordeal if I take action on the opportunities. And I agree that my mother is not a stable woman- at least mentally. Her dad was also an alcoholic and cheated on his wife, but gave my mom special attention. My mom used to have problems with her mom. "Family problems" seem to be a reoccurring thing. But I do realize I can't fix anything for them.

I agree with greybeard. You guys are all great.

I wish I could give you all a hug. ;_;

I'd like to add something.
Eden was born in the year of the TIGER in Chinese astrology. Earth-Tiger.
These people have powerful personalities....
Her father was born in the year of the Monkey, Earth Monkey.
In her interesting book on this subject, Theodora Lau has this to say about compatibility between these two signs:

"The Tiger will encounter the most difficulties with the sign opposite him in the Circle of Conflict. In this case the Tiger's NEMESIS is the Monkey. Also, anyone whose ascendant is in the hours of the Tiger will most likely be incompatible."

Interesting to note that Eden's ascendant using this system is also TIGER.

"Tigers and Monkeys are both competitive but in altogether different ways and these two signs are very sore losers. The Tiger has power and daring on his side while the Monkey uses his wits and guile to turn the tables on the Tiger.

"In their game 'there can be NO WINNERS'." Swear to God, that is what it says.
"as both will refuse to surrender."

So, what most of us advised is doubly valid now....leaving the fight is the only practical option...when and however you can.
LIN

Excuse me for the late reply. Looking at what LIN posted, I'm pretty shocked about how accurate that is. When my dad and I argue, it never comes to a settling point; it actually gets worse as it progresses until I just leave the room exhausted from yelling and crying. I'm done fighting for sure.

But something happened today that scared me.

My dad had gotten into a deadly car accident and he nearly lost his life. Somehow, he emerged without a scratch. I realized within a mater of seconds my life could have turned upside down. I think the Uranus transit might have had something to do with it? I'm not sure what to look at as far as transits go. Just a bit confused atm.

If the car was 'totaled', maybe it will be a wakeup call for HIM.

We can't control Uranus. We must make intelligent goals and decisions and stick to them as much as possible, realizing that our control over our lives is sometimes more and sometimes less.
We must always remember the bigger picture...the biggest goal and not let "events" sway us from working toward it.
LIN

Great post Lin. I was going to post some of my own advice but you expressed every thought I had more perfectly than I ever could.

I worry about your relationships with men later on in life after growing up with a father like this. This is not the most pressing issue right now, but remember to be careful with the relationships that you seek out later in your life.

The interesting thing about life is that most of what we do, most of the important choices we make, are deeply rooted in our unconscious...and we really have liittle choice in what we think we control.

If we were fully conscious creatures astrology wouldn't work.

No amount of advice and wise counsel will keep us from our folly. But at least we can say "I told you so."

A friend of mine "felt" she had let her younger sister down, hadn't "been there" for her. She thought about it, and all her reason and logic told her that what she felt just wasn't true. But all that reason and logic could not overcome those feelings.

I fell in love. I had fallen in love before, and I knew that Stupid and Love walk hand in hand. Greybeard, says I to myself....don't go getting stupid. But I got stupid anyway.

Feelings and past conditioning (our past experiences together with our responses to them) always color our present actions and choices. What would life be without that?

We live in the "sub-lunar world." We are "under the Moon," under her sway. The Moon is memory, habitual or automatic response and reflex, the past, and the unconscious portion of our mind (far and away the great portion of our mental activity.)