Do you feel as if you need your space from them? Almost as if too much time with them is smothering and suffocating you? Growing up I wasn't always close with my family. We were very distant and I guess you could say I didn't receive the nurturing I needed to form close family ties and attachments to people. I find myself now becoming afraid to feel vulnerable because I've been used to depending only on myself. It became this void that I don't think would be necessary to come to peace with because of that feeling of needing to hold my own always... of that feeling to always be self sufficient in terms of my well being, emotions, needs everything. I was almost too prideful to let myself break. I almost was too 'independent' to let myself receive from others. I would always give and give and give, it would genuinely make me happy, though I would give to a point where it was detrimental to my well being. I would give of myself because I thought I needed to carry the entire world on my shoulders. I needed to be that strong. Receiving from others was out of the question because I associated it with pity. I thought if I were to accept from others, I would feel vulnerable. I thought to be vulnerable was not being good enough for the incredibly high standards that I placed on myself. I've been breaking recently, yet that feeling of pity still haunts me. I am terrified that that what I will succumb to, pity. Maybe its that I don't feel worth it, to receive help, because all this time I've guarded myself against it... But it's only because I still feel like I do need to carry the world on my shoulders. I never received this during my upbringing and it caused me to create this guard, so I partly don't know how to accept it because of my guard. I'm not sure if I'm worth receiving it, because of this.. This guarded world I've built to protect myself from this, from being vulnerable, from receiving help holds me back- and I know this. I'm aware and I am trying to make steps to find peace with this. Find peace with my self worth. I am terrified of rejection and for a long time the slightest hint of it, would have me running for the hills. It would have me put this guard up forever. When I would feel what i perceived as the slightest hint of rejection from lovers (which could be simple space for their personal reasons, I would take it personal as if it were attack towards me), it would make me feel inferior. That insecurity would become a self fulfilling prophecy, literally. I tend to smother when I feel insecure. I would put up a guard, while at the same time handing over my heart, all of it and basically saying here take it.. just take all of me. That would both push people away and sacrifice my well being. I partly feel my ability to give all to love, is because of my Venus in Scorpio and my deep fear of being abandoned. I feel my lack of emotional and family security, lack of deep roots created that fear. I know it isn't an excuse, because I fed into it. That deep fear, did become a self fulfilling prophecy. I would expect almost every time, someone to leave me, Always. And with that I would start to become insecure, I would start to give all of myself emotionally. And again, it would push people away. It became this unhealthy self fulfilling prophecy. It made me feel worthless and deeply not good enough... I became reluctant to reveal my true self because deeply I am misunderstood naturally by others.. especially the ones closest to me. I became reluctant to reveal my deepest emotions because when I have it was almost as if they weren't appreciated, they weren't acknowledged or accepted. My emotions run deep and I am very complex, like a riddle, I over analyze everything and my guard has pushed away many people. It has pushed away friends and family. People change, and my family tried to become closer, emotionally and I did hold a lot of unforgiveness in the past, however I was willing to put it aside for this growth. It was easier said than done, and I was very skeptical at first but once I forgave them and myself for letting this affect me, I saw the pure light in their intent and their soul. I felt the love that they were also trying to find, give and accept. Still though I found myself reluctant to be around them at all. Even a little still, I feel this need to distance myself from my family. I love them so much. I would do absolutely anything for them. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if something extreme ever happened, it's just I feel as if I cannot be around them. I know they take it personal. I know they feel as if I don't enjoy coming home, or visiting them while I am off from school. It's not that though. I would never put any blame towards them because that wouldn't benefit either of us. I want them to be happy and free, it's just those deep ties they try to instill, that vulnerability and attachment they try to reveal frightens me. My intentions are genuine it's just I am just currently trying to find that love within my self. I know it is the right time to be distant, distant from everyone around me. I know this is what I need. I need to get away from this all, physically and take a journey, a journey that will help me find and accept myself, accept that void, fill it with love and find that type of independence which is empowering. It fears me to be all alone, deeply fears me. I feel raw and broken and unloved when I am all alone. It's almost as if the world can move on without me. Without caring for me. With leaving me behind. When I am truly alone it terrifies me the most, however I know this is what I need. I know this is what I must do for my growth. I know this is what I must find for myself, and accept for myself because it will bring this type of independence that has no guard, instead is empowered to be raw and open.
I'm not sure how the placements in my chart correlate with this but you can definitely check it out if you want. If you do, let my know if you find any relations, thanks
Also thank you for listening.
