Alitta the Archer
Well-known member
Ever since my early teens ( 14/15), I've always suffered from this terrible feeling of not belonging. It started as an unexplainable feeling of confusion then it devoloped into a mental/emotional state of being lost and it ended up with me becoming isolated by choice and constantly angry at the world.
I am what most people could call a "social outcast" and it isn't because I can't communicate well or because I don't know how to make friends. It's because of personal attitudes towards religion and politics.
I grew up a firm agnostic in a very religious family, society and country. I was taught that I must accept everything the way it is and never question anything but I obviously disappointed my family by doing so.
I thought for myself and apparently that's a crime in my society. I know what I'm going through right now is the bill I'm paying for being different and I must accept my fate, I'm never going to be accepted my family nor my country. I'll always remain the black sheep in the family, the one who's badmouthed behind her back and accused of being an " infidel" by almost everyone.
While teens in the U.S and Europe spend their adolescence having fun and getting to know themselves, I spent it fighting an entire dogmatic system of belief and a family that's ashamed of having me. I feel so weary of this world, of these people. I feel sixty when I'm twenty-one. At sixteen, I reached a certain extent where I decided that the only way to be free of all of this is to end my life. I went to the beach with the intention of drowning myself but in the end I couldn't do it.
I had the best average at my school and now at my university, I am among the top three students and still that won't please my family or make them acknowledge me.
I feeling damaged emotionally and psychologically. I'm unable to sustain a romatic relationship for more than a two weeks.
If it wasn't for my immense love for my younger sister and the new like-minded friends I've met, I wouldn't have continued on. Their support and understanding saved me countless times and they are the only bright spot in my life. The desire to provide for my baby sister, to take her somewhere better, to make her live her life to the fullest is sometimes the only motivation that makes wake up every morning and study myself out every evening.
I hope no one else ever goes through what I did, the feeling is too painful to carry around in your chest. I'm still hopeful that life will get better and that I will get to live the life I always wanted somewhere where I will accepted and have my sister and my beloved friends right by my side.
I'm sorry I wrote a lot but I wanted to get this off of my chest. I've attached my birth chart for those who want to take a look at it.
I am what most people could call a "social outcast" and it isn't because I can't communicate well or because I don't know how to make friends. It's because of personal attitudes towards religion and politics.
I grew up a firm agnostic in a very religious family, society and country. I was taught that I must accept everything the way it is and never question anything but I obviously disappointed my family by doing so.
I thought for myself and apparently that's a crime in my society. I know what I'm going through right now is the bill I'm paying for being different and I must accept my fate, I'm never going to be accepted my family nor my country. I'll always remain the black sheep in the family, the one who's badmouthed behind her back and accused of being an " infidel" by almost everyone.
While teens in the U.S and Europe spend their adolescence having fun and getting to know themselves, I spent it fighting an entire dogmatic system of belief and a family that's ashamed of having me. I feel so weary of this world, of these people. I feel sixty when I'm twenty-one. At sixteen, I reached a certain extent where I decided that the only way to be free of all of this is to end my life. I went to the beach with the intention of drowning myself but in the end I couldn't do it.
I had the best average at my school and now at my university, I am among the top three students and still that won't please my family or make them acknowledge me.
I feeling damaged emotionally and psychologically. I'm unable to sustain a romatic relationship for more than a two weeks.
If it wasn't for my immense love for my younger sister and the new like-minded friends I've met, I wouldn't have continued on. Their support and understanding saved me countless times and they are the only bright spot in my life. The desire to provide for my baby sister, to take her somewhere better, to make her live her life to the fullest is sometimes the only motivation that makes wake up every morning and study myself out every evening.
I hope no one else ever goes through what I did, the feeling is too painful to carry around in your chest. I'm still hopeful that life will get better and that I will get to live the life I always wanted somewhere where I will accepted and have my sister and my beloved friends right by my side.
I'm sorry I wrote a lot but I wanted to get this off of my chest. I've attached my birth chart for those who want to take a look at it.