That painful feeling of not belonging, of not fitting in..

Hello Alitta,

I'm going through quite the same feelings, unfortunately.

I have to find my motivation to keep my head in one peace every segond by segond.

Though I believe the pressure caused by the religious system in Tunisia must be a bit harder than the situation as a whole I'm in. My pressures are intellectual, and social by backround (in my family there is a religious factor on the background affecting a little too) that are perhaps a bit more varying matters in my society than religion is in yours.

Your chart bears five personal-planet-participating semi-squares tighter than 2.20 orb, mostly comprising the 45-90-45 among Moon-Ven/Merc-Uran/Nept (and separately Mars 45 Jup) which could make you squirm more than most (having Merc semi-septile Jup also doesn't help because lending your speaking a bit of the imperious professor style).

T Sat sitting on your Jup right now is emphasizing the worst of that five planet participating 45-90-45 but you can start celebrating by mid-Aug as T Sat moves on finally.

If expecting something about your Sun to represent a longer term pattern of the type you describe, then how about the zero-orbed Sun un-decile Nept. I'm a newbie about the undecile (need for adjustment says the net vaguely) but to the extent Nept represents religion, then your Sun appears to be aspectually uncomfortable with that subject.

(I could post a version of your chart showing these aspects in living color if having access to your birth place).

Your sun and moon have a positive relationship, giving you a good sense of self that is usually a dependable guarantee of feeling at least, in a sense, "different" because you may not have found others who have a similar relationship of integrity between their ego-selves (sun) and "emotional"-selves, or mind/inner-selves (moon).

The sign ruling the cusp of your eleventh house (large groups, circles of friends, your peers and your society) is in the feminine, withdrawing sign of Cancer. The culture surrounding you has effects on an inner realm of yourself that are lasting and deep, and, as we all know, society and peers can be reckless and harsh. It's dispositor is in the second house, and you have already expressed that your views and morals did not suit or coincide with others around you, not to mention you have Mercury very happy in the third house of communication along with Venus and the Sun, all in Sagittarius, a masculine sign which, embodied in a woman, *already* heads against the grain of the society which you have described. Not to mention these placements will make you very outspoken about yourself, and who you are--you aren't the kind of person who will change for everyone, and you have had a hard time "hiding" thoughts and values that disagree with those of the people around you.

Your major planets all falling in the lower portion of the chart also point towards someone who is unusually reflective and inner-oriented. Such people are always going to end up being "individuals", representing something different from the people surrounding them. You have already suffered loneliness, but understand that in your case it is a great strength, and along with having such a keen ability to articulate yourself and your person, you could make waves of changes from speaking or especially writing about your experiences as what could be called a "bystander" to a society you feel little comfort or compatibility with.

BTW, if writing is a hobby of yours, you could certainly make it lucrative with some work as implied by an airy Saturn in the sixth house trine an airy moon in the second house.

I'm glad to hear that, as you've grown up, you've found more like-minded people (in university I suspect). Don't worry about it, you will find more as long as you continue making friends in an academic realm.

And as far as romance, you will want to find a partner who is very much like yourself. You will find them to be helpful in both affirming who you are, as well as helping you excel in your self-development.

Best of luck.

Alitta, although things seem challenging for you right now, know that the world is in desperate need of people like you. You have many gifts. Be prepared to share your talents in the world. Writing seems to be a real gift of yours.
I am glad that you are in the world. Take heart. Things will improve for you and you will also assist in the healing of the earth plane.

Blessings & Light.

Maybe it's only feeling and not the reality? You have Sun(Ego) conjunct IC (the lowestpoint in chart) making a square to ASC/DSC axis. ASC= presenting yourself. Ic also mean your home, with Sag on cups of 4th house- its ruler in Scorpio could mean obssesive, fanatic, religious upbringing. Mars in 4th house conjunct IC could mean problems or combative attitude related to 4th house theme

hi atila the archer

you definitely have some constriction aspects but en you also have some aspects of great knowlede and insights'
you mercury is conjuct you node giving your mind an abioity o see through complicated matters and see the core or urh of the situation. this aspec give you stong psychic abilities and is ofen found in the charts of great seers.his shows you are able o "read" peoples minds and answer questions before they can finish asking them. you have probably had some professors or teachers look at you with questioning eyes.yuur mind intuitively knows what others struggle to grasp . and you always seem to find the exact book you need to read without having to comb through the library.

but you venus/pluto midpoint is also conjunct your node.this brings heavy emotions. though you are very psychic, you tend to "see" things that are harsh or negative. this shows you cannot express your emotions easily even though inside you have many thoughts and feeling of how people act.
here we mus loo at your satrun/pluto square as his is an asepc of depressiion and restriction. i falls priincipally on your father , as he is no nurturing of you or suortive of you. this aspect can show ,he has treated you so abdly in your childhood thayou have had to mentally block out perids of your childhood. his aspect shows bad self esteem but it is based on your environment not your self essence.
the pluto/sun midpoint is conjunct your venus and venus is square to chiron.this emphacizes very more severely the strict and repressive emotional environment you have endured growing up.the square of venus to chiron shows that relationships are difficult because you do not accept falsity or hyprocrisy and stupidity iin others. this is a difficult aspect because you can only speak the truth in social situations and few people want to hear the truth about there personal contradictions. yet you know why others emotions have been hurt, but you are so direct that you advice is not appreciated or taken. this is your aspect of social outcast.your moon/uranus and moon/neptune midpoints are also conjunct the nodal axis .your dreams are prophetic and dreams of flying and meeting and talking with others in your dreams are common.

i think your calling is to be a healer. the symbols that describe your emotional pain and repression are also the symbols of spontaneous healing.
your venus/mars midpoint is conjunct the sun as is your jupiter/uranus and jupiter/neptune midpoints. this bodes well for a true love in your life time, but neptune implies a person of different culture and urnaus implies you will hav eto leave your homeland.these symbols also imply a successful professional life.you abilities are many , but on emoist helpful in a turbulent world is that you can see solutions and bring these vision into reality.
but find a systemof spiritual belief. do not stay an agnostic as your visionary power will be hindered as long as you do not believe i something greater than yourself.

i can not contimue with a "normal" reading of your chart, as you are a powerufl spirit caged in a repressive social and family structure. you have the destiny of a healer, a great psychic or seer. but you seem to have been born "out of place".your moon is square to the uranus/neptune conjunction giving you prohetic dremas and visions. truly a powerful combination when you also have such strong psychic powers. i assume by you use of "infidel" you are from a mosl;em culture which makes you personal struggle even harder ,because moon square to uranus shiows you to be a strong person with great intelligenc enad ambition.you are not in a society that values this in women generally. so it seems that you father ha salso tried to keep you under his foot and not allow you to develope into ther person who you are. you have great intelligence and you have exalted psychic and spiritual insights. you hav ethe power to dream big dreams and the ability to make these dreams real.

with saturn square to pluto and uranus square tothe moon, it is nromal that you will feel extremes. one could call you bipolar but that label would limit you as you are so much miore that a classification.but the experience of exhillarating emotions and thoughts followed by depressive moods is something you must work through.
when you feel so down you can't bear it , remember this is to make you stronger and to give you the wisdom and experience which will allow you to reach your heights.
with moon square to uranus, you spirit knows how to fly, but the powers you have, you need to mature and therefore you must reach your heights using constant and sometimes small steps.

with pluto very strong in your chart and will the node, i think you have influences from a past life around you. maybe there is a person in your families history that was as you are.

the repression of you father and culture is very strong on you right now but in a few weeks the spirit of love will enter your heart.rise above your feelings of inhibition and laugh good heartly at those who try to make you feel bad about yourself.and remember keep your heart open for in the next few weeks it will be filled.

the reason you are so represed and constricted is because your destiny is so high.

rahu

Just don't give up. A traditional reading of your chart is just like your brief biography. I will give you the unfavorable news first. Jupiter and Saturn are in cadent houses where they are very weak. The houses they rule will be weak as well. Jupiter rules 4 an 7 and Saturn rules 5. These are the family houses and it indicates that you will not receive much support from your family. The 5th house also rules having fun so that is going to be difficult as well. This includes parents, spouse and children.

The good news is those strong planets in the angular 4th house which rule the rest of the chart. They do not help the 4th much but the rest is quite good. You have a strong 3rd house ruled by Mars. Although the nature of Mars is not the most friendly you may find brothers and sisters will be close. the strong 11th indicates friends. The strong 1st and 9th shows an intellectual who can think for them self. Good employment opportunities are indicated by the strong 10th. The 8th and 2nd are strong. Mercury the ruler of the asc is distant from the sun and with Venus. From this I would think you were friendly. I would say that this native will "live long and prosper".

So cheer up. Good prospect in many areas are ahead

Kukka said:

Hello Alitta,

I'm going through quite the same feelings, unfortunately.

I have to find my motivation to keep my head in one peace every segond by segond.

Though I believe the pressure caused by the religious system in Tunisia must be a bit harder than the situation as a whole I'm in. My pressures are intellectual, and social by backround (in my family there is a religious factor on the background affecting a little too) that are perhaps a bit more varying matters in my society than religion is in yours.

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Stay strong Kukka. I hope things get better for both of us

Krewster said:

Your chart bears five personal-planet-participating semi-squares tighter than 2.20 orb, mostly comprising the 45-90-45 among Moon-Ven/Merc-Uran/Nept (and separately Mars 45 Jup) which could make you squirm more than most (having Merc semi-septile Jup also doesn't help because lending your speaking a bit of the imperious professor style).

T Sat sitting on your Jup right now is emphasizing the worst of that five planet participating 45-90-45 but you can start celebrating by mid-Aug as T Sat moves on finally.

If expecting something about your Sun to represent a longer term pattern of the type you describe, then how about the zero-orbed Sun un-decile Nept. I'm a newbie about the undecile (need for adjustment says the net vaguely) but to the extent Nept represents religion, then your Sun appears to be aspectually uncomfortable with that subject.

(I could post a version of your chart showing these aspects in living color if having access to your birth place).

Click to expand...

Yes, it's true. I've always felt uncomfortable with the topic of organized specially abrahamic religions. However, I've always held a great respect for Buddhism and the Native Americans' religious philosophy.

GalacticEgg said:

Your major planets all falling in the lower portion of the chart also point towards someone who is unusually reflective and inner-oriented. Such people are always going to end up being "individuals", representing something different from the people surrounding them. You have already suffered loneliness, but understand that in your case it is a great strength, and along with having such a keen ability to articulate yourself and your person, you could make waves of changes from speaking or especially writing about your experiences as what could be called a "bystander" to a society you feel little comfort or compatibility with.

BTW, if writing is a hobby of yours, you could certainly make it lucrative with some work as implied by an airy Saturn in the sixth house trine an airy moon in the second house.

Best of luck.

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Thank so much Galactic. Your response is shrewdly accurate. Everything you mentioned portrays what I am experiencing very well.
I've always felt like a foreigner on my own homeland. I don't understand it ! I mean why would my soul chose to be reborn into culture that clashes with everything it believes in ?? For what purpose exactly ?? It's pure torture.

LeoCassandra said:

Maybe it's only feeling and not the reality? You have Sun(Ego) conjunct IC (the lowestpoint in chart) making a square to ASC/DSC axis. ASC= presenting yourself. Ic also mean your home, with Sag on cups of 4th house- its ruler in Scorpio could mean obssesive, fanatic, religious upbringing. Mars in 4th house conjunct IC could mean problems or combative attitude related to 4th house theme

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I can assure you Casandra that it's very much reality. Yes, both my parents are teachers and both grew up in very conservative/religious households. They're just trying to raise me the same way they were raised, projecting their upbringing on my own. plain old psychology.

rahu said:

hi atila the archer

you definitely have some constriction aspects but en you also have some aspects of great knowlede and insights'
you mercury is conjuct you node giving your mind an abioity o see through complicated matters and see the core or urh of the situation. this aspec give you stong psychic abilities and is ofen found in the charts of great seers.his shows you are able o "read" peoples minds and answer questions before they can finish asking them. you have probably had some professors or teachers look at you with questioning eyes.yuur mind intuitively knows what others struggle to grasp . and you always seem to find the exact book you need to read without having to comb through the library.
rahu

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Thank you so much Rahu for the time and the effort you put into your insightful reply, it was very helpful and soul-soothing.

Everything you said is perfectly accurate. I've always being known for my brutal honesty and it got in troubles countless times. I can't stand hypocritical and two-faced people and specially those who contradict themselves. It's hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I see something wrong going on. I have to point out regardless the circumstances.

What you mentioned about the dreams is so true. I always dream of people I don't know and often our meetings are placed in cafés,cinemas and museums. I don't know why. I dream of having wings a lot too and I also dream of being chased by black dogs and faceless men often.

You're right, my society cannot stand a woman who is strong and naturally independent, they always want her to depend on men all her life. I embody everything my society fears and despises thus their hostility towards me. Guys think I'm way too " wild" for them to tame.
Their usual lines goes like this " You don't seem to need me at all ! you didn't call last night ! You're cold ! You know you don't act like a girl at all ! Why are so stubborn ! Why are always hanging around with boys ? You're a girl, hang out with girls like you."
So obviously I don't fit their image of the " nice, submissive, shy, god-fearing and innocent" girl they want to project into me thus I become undesirable.

I believe in reincarnation and what you mentioned about past lives is very interesting. I always felt like I was born " in the wrong place" and I think there's something of a Karmic nature about my current life. I can't explain it but I feel I'm here on mission of some kind that's related to my previous life. Do you think I'm reincarnation for someone in my family distant history ?? Does it has anything to do with Chiron in 12th House, deep pain carried from a past life ?

Culpeper said:

Just don't give up. A traditional reading of your chart is just like your brief biography. I will give you the unfavorable news first. Jupiter and Saturn are in cadent houses where they are very weak. The houses they rule will be weak as well. Jupiter rules 4 an 7 and Saturn rules 5. These are the family houses and it indicates that you will not receive much support from your family. The 5th house also rules having fun so that is going to be difficult as well. This includes parents, spouse and children.

The good news is those strong planets in the angular 4th house which rule the rest of the chart. They do not help the 4th much but the rest is quite good. You have a strong 3rd house ruled by Mars. Although the nature of Mars is not the most friendly you may find brothers and sisters will be close. the strong 11th indicates friends. The strong 1st and 9th shows an intellectual who can think for them self. Good employment opportunities are indicated by the strong 10th. The 8th and 2nd are strong. Mercury the ruler of the asc is distant from the sun and with Venus. From this I would think you were friendly. I would say that this native will "live long and prosper".

So cheer up. Good prospect in many areas are ahead

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Thank you