I met my boyfriend 2,5 years ago via internet dating site. When I saw his photo I thought something along the lines of 'awww what a poor sad (and handsome) boy'. I need to save him! My cancer moon had gone maaad those days.
Later it turned out he was chatting and flirting virtually with others as well at the same time with me (my idealistic views about him were ruined, hehe). However, when we met, he decided he chooses me. And up to this day I'm not entirely sure if it was because he really liked me when we met irl, or was he just so 'desperate', and the others were not as ready to take him as I was. He explained that he didn't took what I was writing then to him seriously because he thought I was a, you know, crazy, partying student type of a person, and that we won't get along. But my paranoid plutonic mind kept dwelling on the matter.
All in all, it was me who took the initiative, it was me who first wrote to him, it was me who wanted to meet, it was me who was constantly visiting him (he lives 500km away) - but that was not a problem for me, as I wanted to stay away from home for a while. Sometimes I think that maybe I was making all of the decisions to have an excuse in the future - I mean, if I would disappoint him, I could always tell that he did "nothing" in the relationship, that I did all the work. But I really didn't wanted anything he feared the most - I don't want kids, I don't want marriage, I just wanted love, and maybe a group of friends (he doesn't need friends, he's more of a loner).
We had many, many great moments during those 2,5 years, a shared passion and many adventures, but after some time I felt it's more like a friendship than love. And he never told him he loves me, he said he never said this to anyone and he never will say it to anyone in the future. That made me unconsciously distance myself, I was angry even (I didn't express it openly), that I give to him, and give and give and give, and he 'doesn't even care to fulfill my basic emotional needs' (yes, I know, I probably have a very wrong idea of love). He distances himself from his emotions, he says it's safer for him this way. He was able to say (when I pushed on him) that he's glad I found him, and that he wants to live with me till the end. Even despite that, it made me wonder if he feels anything for me at all, or is it just a comfortable situation for him. He was never angry at me, he accepted me as I was, said he feels great when I'm around, but he feels ok when he's alone anyway. I felt accepted, sometimes understood (but he doesn't like talking about feelings), rather than loved and needed. I know that it's me who got problems with myself, not him. He was honest about his affection limitations. And probably even if he would express his emotions openly, I would not 100% believe his words, hehe. What a sucker I am. But until recently it was all more or less OK with me, I accepted the fact that he's not a romantic type, and only was getting mad each time I saw a public displays of affection of others, etc.
I don't know what to do. I tend to idealize people too much and then suffer when they are not what I imagined they will be. And I need to always be the one in control and I'm afraid of criticism. I think I still have many emotions for him (or maybe just need to control? sick), but I don't know how to deal with the situation. I miss doing things with him, but I feel I will never see real passion in his eyes for me. Or maybe it's just me who sees it this way, and the passion on my side disappeared. I feel we're very similar, we have similar tastes, we see things alike, but we are unable to openly talk about it.
Right now I'm in my hometown, we haven't seen each other since 1,5 month and I am entirely sure that if I won't take the initiative, he will not visit me. It's me who will have to book a hotel, or its me who will have to visit him, or insist on a visit in my hometown. And I feel like this actual situation fits him - we still chat via internet with each other as we did before, we just only don't see each other irl.
I'm afraid of being alone again. I'm afraid of my mind and emotions when I'm alone. I have problems relating with other people, I tend to be pretty paranoid.
I'm afraid he will feel betrayed, and alone, and won't pursue goals I was cheering him to achieve (he already slowed down his actions, when I'm not doing all the paper work etc. for him). I'm afraid he will feel very, very alone. Or that I'll lose my mind when he will find another woman, and will love her more
And I feel that if I even would find another person who would like to be with me, it will end the same way.
Is this even worth repairing? Is it possible to get over our saturnian vibes? Are there any ways of possible improvements you see in our charts? I noticed we have double whammy Vertex conj. ASC, I read it might mean it was a fated relationship and we will stay friends forever?
As usual, sorry for the long post, I really tried to compress it as much as possible
Later it turned out he was chatting and flirting virtually with others as well at the same time with me (my idealistic views about him were ruined, hehe). However, when we met, he decided he chooses me. And up to this day I'm not entirely sure if it was because he really liked me when we met irl, or was he just so 'desperate', and the others were not as ready to take him as I was. He explained that he didn't took what I was writing then to him seriously because he thought I was a, you know, crazy, partying student type of a person, and that we won't get along. But my paranoid plutonic mind kept dwelling on the matter.
All in all, it was me who took the initiative, it was me who first wrote to him, it was me who wanted to meet, it was me who was constantly visiting him (he lives 500km away) - but that was not a problem for me, as I wanted to stay away from home for a while. Sometimes I think that maybe I was making all of the decisions to have an excuse in the future - I mean, if I would disappoint him, I could always tell that he did "nothing" in the relationship, that I did all the work. But I really didn't wanted anything he feared the most - I don't want kids, I don't want marriage, I just wanted love, and maybe a group of friends (he doesn't need friends, he's more of a loner).
We had many, many great moments during those 2,5 years, a shared passion and many adventures, but after some time I felt it's more like a friendship than love. And he never told him he loves me, he said he never said this to anyone and he never will say it to anyone in the future. That made me unconsciously distance myself, I was angry even (I didn't express it openly), that I give to him, and give and give and give, and he 'doesn't even care to fulfill my basic emotional needs' (yes, I know, I probably have a very wrong idea of love). He distances himself from his emotions, he says it's safer for him this way. He was able to say (when I pushed on him) that he's glad I found him, and that he wants to live with me till the end. Even despite that, it made me wonder if he feels anything for me at all, or is it just a comfortable situation for him. He was never angry at me, he accepted me as I was, said he feels great when I'm around, but he feels ok when he's alone anyway. I felt accepted, sometimes understood (but he doesn't like talking about feelings), rather than loved and needed. I know that it's me who got problems with myself, not him. He was honest about his affection limitations. And probably even if he would express his emotions openly, I would not 100% believe his words, hehe. What a sucker I am. But until recently it was all more or less OK with me, I accepted the fact that he's not a romantic type, and only was getting mad each time I saw a public displays of affection of others, etc.
I don't know what to do. I tend to idealize people too much and then suffer when they are not what I imagined they will be. And I need to always be the one in control and I'm afraid of criticism. I think I still have many emotions for him (or maybe just need to control? sick), but I don't know how to deal with the situation. I miss doing things with him, but I feel I will never see real passion in his eyes for me. Or maybe it's just me who sees it this way, and the passion on my side disappeared. I feel we're very similar, we have similar tastes, we see things alike, but we are unable to openly talk about it.
Right now I'm in my hometown, we haven't seen each other since 1,5 month and I am entirely sure that if I won't take the initiative, he will not visit me. It's me who will have to book a hotel, or its me who will have to visit him, or insist on a visit in my hometown. And I feel like this actual situation fits him - we still chat via internet with each other as we did before, we just only don't see each other irl.
I'm afraid of being alone again. I'm afraid of my mind and emotions when I'm alone. I have problems relating with other people, I tend to be pretty paranoid.
I'm afraid he will feel betrayed, and alone, and won't pursue goals I was cheering him to achieve (he already slowed down his actions, when I'm not doing all the paper work etc. for him). I'm afraid he will feel very, very alone. Or that I'll lose my mind when he will find another woman, and will love her more
And I feel that if I even would find another person who would like to be with me, it will end the same way.
Is this even worth repairing? Is it possible to get over our saturnian vibes? Are there any ways of possible improvements you see in our charts? I noticed we have double whammy Vertex conj. ASC, I read it might mean it was a fated relationship and we will stay friends forever?
As usual, sorry for the long post, I really tried to compress it as much as possible
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