hi everyone
there is something i have been trying to figure out all my life and i still dont have a clue. i even asked my therapist about it for a while but i didnt find the answer. so now i am looking for the answer here because this issue has effected my personal life, professional life and to my surprise, my health as well. and i want to know what is it that i am doing wrong because i have read often that aspects only manifest when we let them and that there are always ways to correct our behavior when we are aware of what we have in our charts.
people always dislike me. its not something new. even as an year old child, no one would take care of me or play with me other than my mother. and even my mother only paid attention when it was extremely necessary and she admits it now that she didnt consider it important to pay attention to an year old child because she had other more important things. i remember being the only toddler who no one would play with. i used to get bullied alot so i learned to be by myself, even then people would find ways to humiliate me, mistreat or hurt me. and when i say hurt me, i am talking about kids as well as adults who would hit me. and when i tried to stand up for myself my parents made it a point to make me give up. outside of family and relatives i have had very few friends because i never felt safe because people used to bully me alot. as a teenager i dealt with a lot of humiliation because people used to make fun of my face and appearance. the list of reasons for being humiliated kept growing with time. for instance in my late teens till now guys and their families feel insulted if i am recommended to them and they openly voice out their anger over being insulted like that. at college, i tried to reinvent myself and be open to using my education and exposure to better myself. it didnt help. throughout college i didnt have even a single real "friend". there were friends who were more like time-pass friends. being isolated and fearing bullying and humiliation i never really learned to be social but i have tried and i have been told often that i am an extroverted person. though i am not. even in my career, i have faced issues where i am appreciated for the most objectively hardworking, focused and positive person to be in the team but i am always kept away from rewards and good offers. i have missed out on alot because of this problem but it has also made me independent. and at my age i dont want anymore setbacks and obstacles. and i really want good healthy relationships. i love being home, i dont mind vacations because it gives me an excuse to be away from people in general. i have low self esteem yet i am a strong person. strong enough to go through all my cancer tests and tumor diagnosis and surgeries all by myself. oh and i am not doing this analysis to improve my social media profile
now i want to know what is it that is repelling about me. i do know that all interactions can not be studied from one house or one planet but there might be some signs there in my chart because it has been a lifelong theme. so please help me understand whats wrong and how can i manage it if not do away with it completely.
xx
there is something i have been trying to figure out all my life and i still dont have a clue. i even asked my therapist about it for a while but i didnt find the answer. so now i am looking for the answer here because this issue has effected my personal life, professional life and to my surprise, my health as well. and i want to know what is it that i am doing wrong because i have read often that aspects only manifest when we let them and that there are always ways to correct our behavior when we are aware of what we have in our charts.
people always dislike me. its not something new. even as an year old child, no one would take care of me or play with me other than my mother. and even my mother only paid attention when it was extremely necessary and she admits it now that she didnt consider it important to pay attention to an year old child because she had other more important things. i remember being the only toddler who no one would play with. i used to get bullied alot so i learned to be by myself, even then people would find ways to humiliate me, mistreat or hurt me. and when i say hurt me, i am talking about kids as well as adults who would hit me. and when i tried to stand up for myself my parents made it a point to make me give up. outside of family and relatives i have had very few friends because i never felt safe because people used to bully me alot. as a teenager i dealt with a lot of humiliation because people used to make fun of my face and appearance. the list of reasons for being humiliated kept growing with time. for instance in my late teens till now guys and their families feel insulted if i am recommended to them and they openly voice out their anger over being insulted like that. at college, i tried to reinvent myself and be open to using my education and exposure to better myself. it didnt help. throughout college i didnt have even a single real "friend". there were friends who were more like time-pass friends. being isolated and fearing bullying and humiliation i never really learned to be social but i have tried and i have been told often that i am an extroverted person. though i am not. even in my career, i have faced issues where i am appreciated for the most objectively hardworking, focused and positive person to be in the team but i am always kept away from rewards and good offers. i have missed out on alot because of this problem but it has also made me independent. and at my age i dont want anymore setbacks and obstacles. and i really want good healthy relationships. i love being home, i dont mind vacations because it gives me an excuse to be away from people in general. i have low self esteem yet i am a strong person. strong enough to go through all my cancer tests and tumor diagnosis and surgeries all by myself. oh and i am not doing this analysis to improve my social media profile
now i want to know what is it that is repelling about me. i do know that all interactions can not be studied from one house or one planet but there might be some signs there in my chart because it has been a lifelong theme. so please help me understand whats wrong and how can i manage it if not do away with it completely.
xx