tUranus square natal Mercury. If you want to know what that looks like.

It seems like there is something just below the surface of my consciousness that I can't access. The presence drags and nags and I have been compulsively writing short stories to draw it out. I wrote one story I liked. I've tried to write others but I haven't written anything else of the same merit, so I keep returning to that one story, waiting for something better to reveal itself to me. I read and revise, read and revise, over and over and over for hours and hours. I've written and rewritten a 20 page story for the last 4 months. tUranus in the 12th house is squaring my Rx Mercury in the 3rd house, and it stings.

Past habits and compulsions are burbling out of nowhere, diffusing my energy and disrupting my composure. I don't feel in control of myself anymore. I have trouble eating and sleeping. I avoid others more than before. I don't want to do any work. All I want is to reel around in my own head like a parasite.

I hate this so much. I don't know what to do with myself. If I had any real ******* thing to say, it might be worth it, but I fear I don't, and these wheels spin and nothing moves. I'm shouting into the dark cold space of the internet where some passerby can read and remark as if I were jangling coins on the street corner, baggy-eyed and with no future.

A sneaky idea buried itself inside when I was young - I expected I would bring something new into the world. Now with every passing year and passing failure, I may come to realize that this is not possible. I'm not sure where along the line my identity became wrapping up in it - this obsession that I must prove the legitimacy of my existence by being better than myself with no real idea of what that means. I'm so terrified of other people. If I could give something anonymously, without attachments, maybe I could survive. This need to be seen, but not recognized, is repulsive and selfish and pitiful. I can't escape this prison of my own making.

Since I am incapable of providing anything useful, I hope I am useful by example.

tUranus through the 12th is going to be a long one.

Transit chart: https://i.imgur.com/LZnUHkw.png

Hi. As Transiting Uranus aspects Mercury, then Chiron and Uranus, then Pluto next year, you can do a lot of brain-storming; and then when your mind settles down again you can try to put some stuff together out of what has come up. You could get some really radical ideas at this time. Try not to get too cynical about yourself or about the world - this is a real danger during these transits, especially with Mercury in Leo and Chiron in the first house.

Best wishes

Miquar

miquar said:

Hi. As Transiting Uranus aspects Mercury, then Chiron and Uranus, then Pluto next year, you can do a lot of brain-storming; and then when your mind settles down again you can try to put some stuff together out of what has come up. You could get some really radical ideas at this time. Try not to get too cynical about yourself or about the world - this is a real danger during these transits, especially with Mercury in Leo and Chiron in the first house.

Best wishes

Miquar

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Thank you for the encouragement and evaluation. I'm not sure if my mind has ever settled, though.

Since Uranus is making these aspects from the 12th house, and from what I've been experiencing, this transit is a bit like kicking up all the dirt that has been hiding in the corners. At some point, I assumed the dirt was full of precious jewels. Now that it has been scattered into view, I can pick through and see if that is true. It's been an intrinsic belief that the hidden nature created the value; that holding on in secret made these ideas more important. Unfortunately, I'm finding no jewels there. That means I can move on from those ideas.

I read somewhere that Uranus transit through the 12th can mean the hidden parts of ourselves that we thought were "special" will become less meaningful upon exposure; they are challenged to respond to a higher imperative that Uranus stands for, either that or come to terms with not being not so special after all.

One thing I've been confronted with is how I can never create or produce anything in a vacuum. It is always within the context of being forced to interact with others and venture outside my comfort zone. That is when I've been the most alive and creative. I need to be challenged by others to provide structure (Saturn on the DC I see you), or I turn into a shapeless wad of goo stuck to the floor.

Uranus challenges a Leo Mercury to let go of self-indulgent behavior and thought patterns in favor of wider ideals. Maybe that is where this is going. Apparently it is going to take nine years to let go of entrenched habits as Uranus crosses the 12th and then rubs up on the Ascendant. Not long after tSaturn thrusts his way through the 12th to assault the AC, and Pluto will come to squat on the Midheaven at the same time. That'll be a party.

Anyway, thanks for letting me air this out.

Hi. Yes, ultimately the 12th house is about letting go of allegiances, structures of consciousness, etc. - anything that stops us connecting directly with 'source'.

Uranus thru the 12th makes one more psychic than usual. One will have dreams and possibly visions. the square gave you something and will again when it squares again. But you will become much more creative as Uranus approaches the trine to your Venus. That is when there will be a connection between now and then. Eventually you will have a grand trine between transit Uranus, Venus and Mars.

And you are WAY too young to think you have passed a point where you can do something really important or creative in your life.

Merc in Leo is not patient. But it is creative....having the earth planets also is important to be able to concretize the creativity.
LIN

Thank you Lin. I didn't see the upcoming aspects with Venus. That is hopeful.

I've been told that I don't have patience, but then others say I am more patient than anyone should need to be. It is getting to be a triggering word to hear.

There is a theme to my life of being forced to re-evaluate my choices and start over. There is also a theme of repeatedly getting into situations that involve corruption, crime, and unethical practices, and dealing with people who participate in it. I get so tired confronting that over and over. I don't care how much it sets me back and how much it breaks me. I refuse to participate in it. I refuse to give in to it. That will never change, and maybe that is my undoing.

It makes me so angry that I must start again, miss out, walk away, try something else, just to maintain some sort of principle. Maybe it is all these retrograde planets and the Pluto influence in my chart that illustrate this feeling of always being stalled and reversing direction.

That is why the idea that I'm impatient makes me feel resentful. I don't want to be on a crusade all the time. I just want to have some freedom to be part of the world without fear that others are going to destroy it. I'm aware that such a request may be unreasonable, which makes it all the more exhausting.

Every morning I remind myself not to give up, and I worry that one day I'll wake up and I won't be able to encourage myself any longer. I'm afraid that one more punch to the gut and I'll lose all motivation. I'm afraid that I'll fall like I did when I was 14, when someone destroyed my belief that I had any control over life, and I became so depressed that I never left the bed. The spectre of the child that gave up terrifies me.

Artistic endeavors have been a way to remove myself from my reality and yet keep me connected to it in some way that felt safer, perhaps. It doesn't really do that anymore. Art has become another means of confrontation because I lost respect for the desire to use it as an escape. Maybe that's a reason I've been unable to create like I once did.