Sense of self, life purpose...what's up with Chiron?

Greetings!

If you're reading this, thanks!

I have been struggling for at least the last ten years with trying to discover what I "should be" or even "want to be" doing with my life. I've felt very stuck and almost impotent, like my life lacks meaning and purpose. I frequently feel like I'm wasting my life, like there's something else I'm supposed to be doing, but I have no idea what it is. Sometimes I think it's a little bit crazy to obsess over this, but I can't stop.

I am wondering if there is something that will jump out from my chart as an area I should be dedicating myself to. A clue as to why I'm here, what my life's work is, etc. I'm nearing forty and it seems I should know by now!

Also, I have always had issues with poor self image/esteem. In some areas of my life I tend to feel inferior to other people (only some areas of life). I can't shake the idea that there is "something wrong" with me (mentally, physically, etc.) and wonder if this is tied to Chiron being in my first house? Occasionally I even have dreams that there's something wrong with my physical body (i.e. deformed, have maggots living in my mouth, etc...really crazy stuff!). I have a very harsh internal critic, and though I've always been involved in love relationships, I often feel unlovable. Is this also Chiron?

I'm also just interested in reading about anything in my chart that just "pops out" at people.

Thanks for you time!

Wow. We both have Chiron opposition Mercury. I do have a paragraph I saved on this aspect to share as Chiron's lessons are a bit out of my league to interpret for anyone else.

"With Chiron-Mercury aspects, we may rarely feel satisfied with how or what we communicate. To express ourselves, or not to express ourselves--that is the question with Chiron-Mercury hard aspects. We may talk someone's ears off one day, and then feel guilty about it later, at which point we retreat into ourselves and become uncommunicative. We might review conversations we had with others and kick ourselves for what we said, or what we didn't say."

Though the indecisiveness of which you speak is familiar to many of the signs in your chart. Moon and Mars in Gemini. Libra Sun and Mercury. Pisces rising. Jupiter in Aries. I'd be surprised if you ever sat still, let alone knew what you wanted to do.

I am not sure I agree with the common methods of determining your desired profession from astrology (I have a Pisces MC and being a sea captain, artist, photographer or the like isn't in my skill set or desire zone). The easiest way to be satisfied in your job is to have the desire come from within... which I realize isn't happening for you right now... and I have been where you are (drifting, not sure where to go next to feel better/passionate about anything), hang in there I am sure it will pass.

You are probably having a difficult progression or transit that is making you ask those questions... and of course 38-42 is the Uranus Opposition which is the mid life crisis that makes you ask those questions (why am I here, does my life have meaning).

Your Uranus is at 0 degrees 52 minutes in Scorpio so you are still a year or two away from your Uranus Opposition... you still have time to buy a sports car and date people too young for you (kidding!!! ).

Anyway... I will just toss out some stuff I see in case it is helpful to you.

You have your North Node in Scorpio, in the 8th house. That is a double whammy of Pluto/Scorpio/8th house themes (and made even more prudent since your Libra sun is conjunct Pluto!) Your North Node is where your soul needs to go to evolve and the 8th house is about psychology, death, taxes, inheritances, sex and elimination.

With your Sun/Pluto conjunction in the 7th house of one-to-one relationships (receiving a nice sextile from structure-building Saturn in the 5th [love affairs, creativity, children] and a sextile from dreamy Neptune in the 9th [higher education, philosophy, law]) is there any desire to be a relationship counselor? Do any of those house keywords I mentioned above sound interesting? Always follow your intuition.

Regarding Chiron... he is a tough planet(oid) to work with. My BFF has Chiron on her Asc angle and although she is drop dead gorgeous and skinny she sees herself as fat and ugly so the Chiron "wound" is definitely in her self image. (By contrast, I have Chiron conjunct my Sun in my 10th house of career, I don't have her body issues and poor self image but I do have a work history that is a train wreck [despite my desire for stable employment].)

Chiron is the wound which we must come to terms with in order to be a mentor to others (in the area we are familiar via Chiron's house placement). My BFF feels better about herself now than she did as a teenager so she is actively working on her Chiron wound. She may never be completely free of it, but she uses her wisdom to help her daughters with their self images.

Can you generate and post a progressed chart? I would like to see that chart as well.

Mutableflame, that quote fits me perfectly, lol. Sometimes I know I'm being ridiculous, but then I can't help it. Thank you for sharing it! I feel a little less weird for obsessing over conversations I have had. I seriously do this and it makes me feel like I'm nuts.

OneHorseFarms, it's interesting you brought up relationship counselor. In my late 20's I decided I wanted to work as a therapist or counselor. I have been an Office Manager since the age of 24 (at two different companies now) and thought I'd finally figured out what I wanted to do in life. I have never enjoyed school. As a youngster, I did really well school and was put into a gifted program as a child, but as I aged I hated it more each year, eventually dropping out of high school. I sucked it up and at the age of 33 finally got my GED and enrolled in correspondence school, working toward a degree in psychology (I'm still paying each month, but have really dropped the ball on the coursework). However, to become a licensed counselor takes a lot of work, time and energy (beyond the psych degree) and I've become quite discouraged. Plus I do tend to take on and absorb the feelings and energies of others, so a couple years ago I decided it's not the best choice for me. However, maybe in couple's therapy the energy would be less focused on me and more at each other. That sounds more manageable, and I will have to give that some thought.

As for following my intuition, it has pushed me to want to work to help people, in a personal way (like counseling) but I felt it was unobtainable or possibly just wrong for me. For financial reasons I do feel really stuck in my current job.

Hah, I have no interest in cars (!) and I went through a "dating people too young for me" phase when I went through a marital separation when I was 32. I did go through Uranus crossing my ascendent (I think when I initiated the separation, coincidentally) and then opposing my sun. It was tough, but maybe it prepped me for the looming uranus opposition!

I have read a bit on North Node in 8th house but it seems so abstract to me. Death, sex, psychology....I have a hard time applying these themes to my personal soul evolution. Even though I find these subjects FASCINATING!

As for the house keywords you mentioned, philosophy to an extent, definitely love affairs (those days have passed though!) and creativity (though I have a hard time with art and am highly critical of everything I do...I assume due to Saturn in the 5th).

Sorry I'm so long winded..!

I have attached my progressed chart.

With your Pluto/Sun conjunction in Libra in the 7th house it is NO WONDER you felt drawn to be a relationship counselor! That is like the perfect line up to be one... but I do hear you about not wanting to go back to school. Your pending Uranus Opposition (which these are all classic symptoms of the beginning stirrings of) is very similar to mine with career lacking in the deeper purpose but not wanting to go back to school.

I started as an marketing assistant for a software publishing company but I felt empty, like we were just mass producing widgets with no real value. Today (post Uranus Opposition) I am an office assistant for an educational program that works with kids with the most severe mental and physical disabilities (my savior wanna-be Pisces midheaven is appeased!). In my case I was able to keep my skill set, but change job industries to one that makes my heart swell with love and joy for the work we do.

Perhaps that would be a similar solution for you? Keep the skill set, but move into a field that feels better.

Or, look for other ways to appease that need for meaning. Are there volunteer opportunities that would make your heart sing? If so, look to your job as one that pays the bills and look for your deep meaning in other areas.

The North Node is natural a difficult place to get to because it is so foreign to you, but you will get the most growth by making steps toward it. You have Pluto conjunct your Sun so there is 8th house energy available to you, if you feel the nudge to explore one of those themes (researching, volunteering, etc.) then go for it.

Ok... just looked at your progressed chart... It is a new moon chart!!! No wonder you are feeling the itch to do something new, you are ready to sow new seeds in your life and have new creations spring forth.

Your Progress Sun and Moon are conjunct in Scorpio and approaching conjunction with your Desc angle (close personal relationships with others). I think this is another nod to the relationship counselor vibe. Please take a look at how you might be able to satisfy that need to help couples without killing yourself with student loans or classes you can't sit through.

Just gotta ask... is your icon from Struwwelpeter, tingding?? What inspired you to use that for an icon? Haha, says a lot about your personality right there. Personally I like the story of Little Suck-a-thumb myself.

OneHorseFarms, I am not really familiar with how progressed charts work. I did just look up the meaning of a progressed new moon and read it is a period of 3.5 years....is mine just starting or is it underway? It's interesting too because for the last 8 months or so I've felt a really strong pull to move back to the area where I grew up (about 350 miles away), and the article I found (on the astro site) actually discussing moving/homecoming. Thank you so much for pointing this out to me, it's helping me make sense of the urgent feeling of needing to move "home"!

Flapjacks, when I was very young I spent a lot of time with my German grandmother (Oma). She had this book growing up and thought nothing of reading it to me (and translating into English) repeatedly. It kind of faded from my memory as I aged, but when I was 18 and working at a bookstore I re-discovered the book and was, well, shocked! I couldn't believe how traumatizing the stories were (and that they were so much a part of my life at such a young age). I like things that are odd, I guess, so I've collected a few versions of the book over the years (and my Oma gifted me with a special miniature version at some point in my adulthood). I've been using this as an avatar for years. I like the image, it's crazy and horrifying and beautiful, but it's also part of my history. My Oma passed away several years ago and I have contemplated getting a small version of this image as a tattoo to celebrate the quirky relationship we had. Though now with all this discussion of 8th House/Scorpio energy, I'm seeing the incineration as a vehicle for transformation.

I'm editing to ask what you think this says about my personality? I'm very curious now!