Do some people have it harder then others?

I don't care what anyone says, I feel like LIFE has been very unfair to me. Ever since I was like 3 years old and had my first memories in the world. When I was 5, I was haunted by my HORRIBLE anxiety, all day long, up until I was around 15, every single day, about going to Hell because of who I was. I remember being 6 years old and waking up crying after a horrible dream about going to Hell and my mom asked me what's the matter and I couldn't tell her because she'd find out why I was so upset. I was holding secrets and going through intense anxiety like some sort of fricking adult and I was only a kid, and thinking back at it makes me shocked and sick to my stomach, like no kid should go through that. I would also do these crazy/sick things, like stuff my head face-first into a pillow for nearly an hour, barely being able to breathe, and if no one came and sat next to me, I would "go to Hell." And I couldn't pull my face up from the pillow unless someone sat next to me. So I waited like a crazy person, barely being able to breathe.

In my teens I went to High School and got caught up in the wrong crowd and became addicted to drugs. It was amazing for the first 1-2 years because everything I was feeling, the trauma from my childhood, it all went away. It was perfect. It made me numb AND it was super fun. I thought I found some sort of healing magic in my life. And then after the fun phase ends, you get addicted, you become dependent on it and it completely destroys your life. Paranoia, anorexia, major depression, it all starts to kick in. And the drug that you thought was your savor becomes your biggest enemy and your own personal demon.

I am 25 now, and although I have been drug free since I was 20, my brain and mind never quite recovered from the drug use. It did permanent damage to my brain. I used to be super cool, very good with people, popular and now I'm a freak who is always nervous and paranoid around people. And after years of sobriety, I combated my nervous energy with alcohol because it made me feel like "me" again, before I would get nervous, and just like the drugs, at first it was amazing and now I'm dependent on it.

I don't want to come off like a victim or like all of this ISN'T my fault, but it is just so aggravating and tough. It's one big dilemma after the next. I am only 25 and feel like I've been through hell and back and it is super frustrating. Why is my life so tough and so dark? And will it ever get better or do I have some sort of fixed star or something in Astrology that makes my life doomed?

No matter what happens or what I do, I ALWAYS attract the same kind of problem in my life but in a different scenario. It is always helplessness and no way of getting out.

To answer your question, "Do some people have it harder than others?" I would say no.

Before I talk astrological talk, I want to help you understand something.

No one's life is perfect. Everyone has their fair share of challenges and struggles no matter how rich, beautiful, healthy, intelligent, etc... There's a postive and negative to everything. No one has it harder or easier, IMO.

A really rich person may be able to buy literally anything he wants, and he never has to work or be told what to do. HOWEVER, being rich presents its own set of challenges that the poor will never understand. When your rich, people want stuff from you, people like you simply because you're rich and not because of you're personality. When you're rich you have an unwanted big responsibility placed upon you. People expect you to give your money way. People envy you and want to tear you down. You are actually targeted to be sued. And being rich usually comes at a price.

Anyway... the point is that there is a good an bad to everything.

Also, it's not really about how hard your life is, it's how you choose to look at your situation. What someone sees as a hard life another sees as an easy life. Choose to focus on the good things. Focus on the things that make you happy despite the circumstances. You could have the best life out of anyone on Earth, and you can still feel like a victim.

Have an internal locus of control. Focus on the things in your life that you have control over. You have control over you, your actions, and your perspective. You can't control other people, and you can't control random events that happen to you. So stop complaining and whining about how you can't control those. Because you're not making your life any better when you do that. If you have the ability to make your life better, then pursue the actions to make your life better. If you don't have that ability because it's beyond your control, ACCEPT IT, and move on. Let yourself be happy anyway.

I know you said that you don't want to be a victim, but you are being a victim. Instead of seeing something as an obstacle tearing you down, see it as a stepping stone to grow as a person.

Lastly, don't compare yourself to others. Because another person will always have something that you lack. They will be richer, smarter, hotter, whatever it may be...

So, compare yourself to who you were yesterday. It's now a fair comparison. Are you improving as a person, or are you not, and why? Compete with yourself. So that when you look back at your past self, you can feel good about the growth that you have made...instead of unfairly comparing yourself to someone – and feeling sad about how you're not better than the random person that has completely different background, experiences, and viewpoints, and challenges in life.

-----

So astrologically, you have Saturn in Pisces Square Moon in Sagittarius.

Moon-Saturn people are prone to depression, feeling unlucky, and usually do have harder lives.. but I think it's because they have a cynical view on life. They expect the worst and so the worst happens to them. They are the ones that are making their lives harder. But Saturn here is teaching you to express your emotions and to master your emotions properly.

Saturn in Pisces is trying to teach you to master your Pisces energy. When you don't master pisces energy you escape life through drugs, play the victim, and tend to lose yourself in other people.

You also have Pluto in the first house and have a Scorpio Asc. These placements themselves are not easy. I heard an astrologer say that this energy is like being broken apart and then put back together again, over and over and over. But you learn someting new and become stronger every time.

There's this lack of stability in your life. Since this in your first house, I'd look towards your 7th house (other people) to help balance this part of you. Look towards others to ground you.

AppLeo said:

To answer your question,

"Do some people have it harder than others?"

I would say no.

Before I talk astrological talk, I want to help you understand something.
No one's life is perfect. Everyone has their fair share of challenges and struggles no matter how rich, beautiful, healthy, intelligent, etc... There's a postive and negative to everything. No one has it harder or easier, IMO.
A really rich person may be able to buy literally anything he wants, and he never has to work or be told what to do. HOWEVER, being rich presents its own set of challenges that the poor will never understand. When your rich, people want stuff from you, people like you simply because you're rich and not because of you're personality. When you're rich you have an unwanted big responsibility placed upon you. People expect you to give your money way. People envy you and want to tear you down. You are actually targeted to be sued. And being rich usually comes at a price.
Anyway... the point is that there is a good an bad to everything.

Click to expand...

Obviously some peoples lives are far more difficult than others

for example
anyone born in a war zone anywhere on our planet
is having a very difficult life
due to constant bombing destroying their home and killing their family

a swift comparison with the life of another person born into a wealthy family
in a country that is not being bombed
highlights the obvious differences

Good luck with convincing someone living in a warzone being bombed hourly
that
"it just depends on how they choose to look at their situation
and
to focus on the things that make them happy"

GeminiSun said:

I don't care what anyone says, I feel like LIFE has been very unfair to me. Ever since I was like 3 years old and had my first memories in the world. When I was 5, I was haunted by my HORRIBLE anxiety, all day long, up until I was around 15, every single day, about going to Hell because of who I was. I remember being 6 years old and waking up crying after a horrible dream about going to Hell and my mom asked me what's the matter and I couldn't tell her because she'd find out why I was so upset. I was holding secrets and going through intense anxiety like some sort of fricking adult and I was only a kid, and thinking back at it makes me shocked and sick to my stomach, like no kid should go through that. I would also do these crazy/sick things, like stuff my head face-first into a pillow for nearly an hour, barely being able to breathe, and if no one came and sat next to me, I would "go to Hell." And I couldn't pull my face up from the pillow unless someone sat next to me. So I waited like a crazy person, barely being able to breathe.

In my teens I went to High School and got caught up in the wrong crowd and became addicted to drugs. It was amazing for the first 1-2 years because everything I was feeling, the trauma from my childhood, it all went away. It was perfect. It made me numb AND it was super fun. I thought I found some sort of healing magic in my life. And then after the fun phase ends, you get addicted, you become dependent on it and it completely destroys your life. Paranoia, anorexia, major depression, it all starts to kick in. And the drug that you thought was your savor becomes your biggest enemy and your own personal demon.

I am 25 now, and although I have been drug free since I was 20, my brain and mind never quite recovered from the drug use. It did permanent damage to my brain. I used to be super cool, very good with people, popular and now I'm a freak who is always nervous and paranoid around people.

And after years of sobriety, I combated my nervous energy with alcohol

because it made me feel like "me" again, before I would get nervous
and just like the drugs, at first it was amazing

and now I'm dependent on it.

Click to expand...

alcohol in moderation is fine
however if you are unable to function without using alcohol
then that is something you need to work on to change
One way to change dependency on alcohol
is by taking care to have good diet
because there are definitely foods that encourage good mood
FOOD AND MOOD - TEN FOODS THAT CAN CHEER YOU ON A BAD DAY
https://food.ndtv.com/food-drinks/food-and-mood-10-foods-that-can-cheer-you-up-on-a-bad-day-1657224

GeminiSun said:

I don't want to come off like a victim or like all of this ISN'T my fault, but it is just so aggravating and tough. It's one big dilemma after the next. I am only 25 and feel like I've been through hell and back and it is super frustrating. Why is my life so tough and so dark? And will it ever get better

or do I have some sort of fixed star
or something in Astrology that makes my life doomed?

Click to expand...

there's a great website that provides detail information
on THE NAMED FIXED STARS
http://constellationsofwords.com/Fixedstars.htm

GeminiSun said:

No matter what happens or what I do, I ALWAYS attract the same kind of problem in my life

but in a different scenario. It is always helplessness

and no way of getting out.

Click to expand...

You mention having been addicted to drugs
and the damage that has done physically as well as mentally
how you have been to hell and back

a good idea is to consider meditating
meditation enables the meditator to gain a more grounded attitude
and "find a way out"
and gradually improve their own life

You mentioned childhood trauma, but you didn't mention any particular traumatic incidents. Do you remember any? Or are there any that you don't remember but were told about, that perhaps happened when you were too young to remember?

That you had so much anxiety so early does sound like trauma was happening, to you and possibly to your family as well. If there was something going on with the adults in your life, you could've absorbed all their fear even if they were acting like everything was fine. Since you have such a watery chart, you're highly susceptible to picking up those kinds of energies and feeling them intensely.

You mentioned elsewhere that you were born in Hungary but now live in Canada. How old were you when you immigrated? What prompted your family to immigrate? I imagine the displacement, and possibly the reasons behind it, could be factors here. That you and your family were displaced is one thing your Sagittarius moon could suggest: that your home and family was among foreigners, or that you yourselves were the foreigners. In your first house, it's a key part of your own identity, your face to the world.

Eighth house sun suggests that what you're dealing with is hereditary. Eighth house deals with inheritance, and with the proverbial skeletons in the closet: secrets that would take some digging to reveal. I'll bet anything you're not the first in your family to become addicted to substances. There may even be others in your immediate family.

Edited to add: I just reread your post and the fear of going to hell part leaped out at me. What religious teachings did you receive? What made you so fearful that you yourself would go to hell?

Sun trine Jupiter is one suggestion that religion is, or could be, a very important part of your life. Sagittarius moon also suggests it. South node conjunct your sun suggests a very spiritual orientation--south node is spirituality--and we can also read south node and its ruler as a once-upon-a-time past life story: either a story about a person you were in a previous life, or a just plain made up story about a person you could have once been and whose issues you're trying to resolve.

The whole picture looks like someone who is prominent, a leader, teacher, and speaker (Gemini sun on SN), well supported by the religious establishment (Jupiter trine from the eleventh house of society, community, social mores), but also in conflict with it (Jupiter square SN ruler, and the square is tighter than the trine, indicating the conflict ended up being stronger than the support). Perhaps someone like, say, a gay pastor who hides his sexuality and is supported in his role as long as he hides it, but then gets outed and loses support. Eighth house is also the house of sexuality, even more suggestive of something like that.

[Deleted attacking comments. - Moderator]

There is nothing majorly dramatic in your chart, yeah you have sun in 8th, yeah you have moon square saturn, but you aren't the only one. This simply points to internal struggles and challenges, and it depends on you what you do with that energy. If you look only at the bad aspects or the potential of the chart and where you can transform. Obviously with that square you need to mature with your emotions. Your emotions need to be brought down to earth. Moon in Saggie has a potential to be very happy and joyous but also be a goddamn drama queen. And yeah, Saturn in Pisces is quite depressive, I know, I have it on my goddamn Ascendant, but you learn to deal with that energy and work with it, and with the years it gets easier. Saturn is that part of your life where you just have to keep going, keep pushing through, keep learning, and someday it will get easier. Because Saturn points to the hardest challenges in someone's life, and none is easier or harder, it's simply YOURS. It's YOUR karma, YOUR life, the best you can do is work with it.

Problem here is Saturn is trying to calm down your moon and challenge it to mature, but the immature Saggie wants to make a big deal out of everything and it wants attention. This is perfectly fine as long as you look for that attention in positive and constructive ways. Take up a sport, some art, some music, whatever your soul desires, and express yourself there. But don't feel sorry for yourself, because it's really offensive to all the people in the world, who don't even have the time to sit on their laptop and make self pittying comments, simply because they are too busy surviving.

Work on your ego, read psychology, understand what ego is and how it blocks you from growth. Gemini sun falling in the south node is a huge pointer that the more you grow up the more you will be challenged to ditch the whole idea of the SELF and the I, and find more constructive ways to connect to people. Establish a career, your chart points to that, start making money, and start sharing them with those you love, this is your true potential to be happy. Travel even, you do have the NN in Sag, find a job that will offer you this. Mars on the MC is a big deal , the more you mature the more you will see that you are actually career/goal oriented and this will give you an outlet to ditch that aggressive energy of Mars in a productive way, rather than point it towards yourself and the whole world , making you feel like a victim.

All,

Keep your responses respectful and astrological. I have deleted one post and removed a paragraph from another that were, or were responding to, an attack on the OP. If you don't have a helpful astrological response to a topic, don't post in it. If you see an attack, report it instead of responding.

Keep it respectful,
Osamenor

Samantha Bean said:

An online astrological charting place with mostly beginners is not going to help you.

You need to work on your issues with a professional counselor. The key here is "work". There are no silver bullets to solve your problems.


If you want astrological help, then you will need to ask a question related to astrology.

Click to expand...

I did not delete this post because it does address the original questions, but it seems to me that the OP did ask a question related to astrology, implicitly if not explicitly. He at least posted his chart.

While it's true that this forum cannot substitute for therapy or other professional services, and the amateur nature of it means it can't even substitute for professional astrology, it's not an either/or choice. People can get some clarity on their situation through discussions here, and then make a decision about what other services, if any, to seek. As long as they're not coming here with a life threatening situation that's beyond our means to help--like being suicidal--no harm in asking these questions.

This doesn't seem to be an immediately life threatening situation, and GeminiSun has thanked a post or two, so something in there must work for him. He'll have to post again for us to know what he really has in mind.

Osamenor said:

You mentioned childhood trauma, but you didn't mention any particular traumatic incidents. Do you remember any? Or are there any that you don't remember but were told about, that perhaps happened when you were too young to remember?

That you had so much anxiety so early does sound like trauma was happening, to you and possibly to your family as well. If there was something going on with the adults in your life, you could've absorbed all their fear even if they were acting like everything was fine. Since you have such a watery chart, you're highly susceptible to picking up those kinds of energies and feeling them intensely.

You mentioned elsewhere that you were born in Hungary but now live in Canada. How old were you when you immigrated? What prompted your family to immigrate? I imagine the displacement, and possibly the reasons behind it, could be factors here. That you and your family were displaced is one thing your Sagittarius moon could suggest: that your home and family was among foreigners, or that you yourselves were the foreigners. In your first house, it's a key part of your own identity, your face to the world.

Eighth house sun suggests that what you're dealing with is hereditary. Eighth house deals with inheritance, and with the proverbial skeletons in the closet: secrets that would take some digging to reveal. I'll bet anything you're not the first in your family to become addicted to substances. There may even be others in your immediate family.

Edited to add: I just reread your post and the fear of going to hell part leaped out at me. What religious teachings did you receive? What made you so fearful that you yourself would go to hell?

Sun trine Jupiter is one suggestion that religion is, or could be, a very important part of your life. Sagittarius moon also suggests it. South node conjunct your sun suggests a very spiritual orientation--south node is spirituality--and we can also read south node and its ruler as a once-upon-a-time past life story: either a story about a person you were in a previous life, or a just plain made up story about a person you could have once been and whose issues you're trying to resolve.

The whole picture looks like someone who is prominent, a leader, teacher, and speaker (Gemini sun on SN), well supported by the religious establishment (Jupiter trine from the eleventh house of society, community, social mores), but also in conflict with it (Jupiter square SN ruler, and the square is tighter than the trine, indicating the conflict ended up being stronger than the support). Perhaps someone like, say, a gay pastor who hides his sexuality and is supported in his role as long as he hides it, but then gets outed and loses support. Eighth house is also the house of sexuality, even more suggestive of something like that.

Click to expand...

I don't want to get too much into my childhood but it was pretty rough. I was constantly having paralyzing thoughts and anxiety at a super young age about things I shouldn't even know about or understand. And I was so clever that no one suspected a thing and they couldn't or else everyone would find out what I was thinking about and the things I was going through. So I kind of felt like I had no support as a child. It was just tough. Plus I love my mom, she is like the best mom I could have asked for, and I understand she was trying to protect me in her old-school, conservative type of way, but oh God, she noticed early on that I was more different then other kids and tried so hard to mold me into someone I was not. I picked up on it right away. The first few times I was forbidden to buy or play with certain toys, I knew what was expected of me, so I just went with the flow and started putting on an act and pretended not to be interested in things I truly liked. Because I felt embarrassed by them because I was shamed the first few times I attempted to be myself.

We moved to Canada in 1997, I believe I was four years old, we moved here because there was better working opportunities for my dad.

No, I am not the first person in my family with substance abuse issues. My grandfather was an alcoholic. My cousin suffered with drug addiction for many years. And there are a few more distant family members who had addiction problems.

I grew up in Christianity. We didn't go to church super often, but we did go from time to time. And I remember being around 4 years old and hearing a pastor speak about homosexuality and how it sends people to Hell and all this stuff and it stuck with me ever since. It became an obsession that I would think about every day up until the age of 13 when I got over the fear and just accepted it. I still believe in Christianity and I still believe that I am going to Hell. I also believe that I lead a sinful life and that even Astrology is a sin but I'm not a half-@ssed person. I either go into something fully or not at all. I do NOT want to be a lukewarm Christian and don't believe they are true Christians.

Anyway, this stuff is more childhood stuff, minus the substance abuse. The things that started happening after, like in my teens, have been even more difficult for me. I am so stuck and paralyzed and I know it's my fault but it has been a fight since 2009/2010 now and I am trying so hard to get out of it.

ardentika said:

[Deleted attacking comments. - Moderator]

There is nothing majorly dramatic in your chart, yeah you have sun in 8th, yeah you have moon square saturn, but you aren't the only one. This simply points to internal struggles and challenges, and it depends on you what you do with that energy. If you look only at the bad aspects or the potential of the chart and where you can transform. Obviously with that square you need to mature with your emotions. Your emotions need to be brought down to earth. Moon in Saggie has a potential to be very happy and joyous but also be a goddamn drama queen. And yeah, Saturn in Pisces is quite depressive, I know, I have it on my goddamn Ascendant, but you learn to deal with that energy and work with it, and with the years it gets easier. Saturn is that part of your life where you just have to keep going, keep pushing through, keep learning, and someday it will get easier. Because Saturn points to the hardest challenges in someone's life, and none is easier or harder, it's simply YOURS. It's YOUR karma, YOUR life, the best you can do is work with it.

Problem here is Saturn is trying to calm down your moon and challenge it to mature, but the immature Saggie wants to make a big deal out of everything and it wants attention. This is perfectly fine as long as you look for that attention in positive and constructive ways. Take up a sport, some art, some music, whatever your soul desires, and express yourself there. But don't feel sorry for yourself, because it's really offensive to all the people in the world, who don't even have the time to sit on their laptop and make self pittying comments, simply because they are too busy surviving.

Work on your ego, read psychology, understand what ego is and how it blocks you from growth. Gemini sun falling in the south node is a huge pointer that the more you grow up the more you will be challenged to ditch the whole idea of the SELF and the I, and find more constructive ways to connect to people. Establish a career, your chart points to that, start making money, and start sharing them with those you love, this is your true potential to be happy. Travel even, you do have the NN in Sag, find a job that will offer you this. Mars on the MC is a big deal , the more you mature the more you will see that you are actually career/goal oriented and this will give you an outlet to ditch that aggressive energy of Mars in a productive way, rather than point it towards yourself and the whole world , making you feel like a victim.

Click to expand...

I want to. That's what I want the most! And I had it for a bit until my life transformed COMPLETELY. It's this stupid anxiety I've been struggling with for years. It's not that easy for me to just "go out, take up a sport, do a hobby," at one point I could not leave my house for over a year because I had paralyzing anxiety when I tried to. I couldn't even answer the phone because THAT would make me nervous. Thank God I have gotten way better since then but it's still a struggle for me. Every day is a struggle for me. And it takes time to get over social anxiety. I still cannot leave my house without a pair of sunglasses because I hate making eye contact with people. I can't even make eye contact with family members. I know all of this is my fault because I ******* up my brain in High School with all the stupid drugs but what can I do now? Here I am. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 16 and it's only been the last 2 years where I have finally seen so many awesome improvements but like I said, it is still a struggle.

If this anxiety left me tomorrow that's the first thing I would do. Don't you think I have so many dreams, goals and things I would love to accomplish? I was a very productive person before all of this mess. I was popular, well-liked, interesting to others, had so many things going on at once, succeeded in so many things - but when the anxiety hit it all changed. I lost my friends because I was no longer the same person, the drugs got worst and worst, I became very controversial, I made MANY embarrassing, public, humiliating mistakes that still haunt me to this day, I lost my personality... I lost pretty much everything. And I've been in the process of building myself back up. I quit the drugs and stayed clean for 4 years before I even picked up a drink. And when I did, all the anxiety just vanished, and I got hooked on feeling "normal" again and now I have a whole new addiction to deal with.

It's not as simple as you make it out to be. If it were, I would not be in this situation for so many years.

There's a lot here to unpack.

I think Jupiter in your chart is the key. Jupiter is a very big player for you. It trines your sun and sextiles your moon. It loosely trines your south node and sextiles your north node, and it's your north node ruler and tightly squares your south node ruler. All of that tells us that everything Jupiter means is something you absolutely must integrate in your life and find a resolution for. Your addiction, and your struggles with religion and sexual orientation, are all Jupiter-related.

Christianity is very meaningful to you, but the Christian teachings you've received about homosexuality are very hurtful. You say you just accepted that you would go to hell and learned to live with it... that's not acceptance. That's resignation. Acceptance would be being truly at peace with it. You can't be truly at peace with a teaching that being who you are is sinful. That's spiritual abuse.

Not to say Christianity isn't also beautiful and meaningful. You don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You do need to find balance and harmony. Not just resignation to "that's how it is," but real peace. That's the meaning of Jupiter in Libra.

Eleventh house can mean social customs and mores. Square to Mercury: your religious community's disapproval of homosexuality is harming you. Eleventh house can also mean your tribe, your people, the ones who share the same goals as you. Jupiter expands everything. The way you describe your history of addiction fits that perfectly: your friends (eleventh house) brought you to drugs, which you used because they made you feel better: Libra harmony, Jupiter wanting more.

Similarly, finding your tribe could help you. How did you get sober the first time? Were you in a support group? Did you receive any kind of treatment? Or just do it on your own?

A support group would probably help you quit drinking this time around--if it's the right kind of support group. One that has room for you to be who you are, in every sense, and doesn't try to destroy your ego (probably not the AA model). Perhaps one for gay alcoholics? If you're anywhere with a noticeable gay community, there probably are some.

Finding a form of Christianity that helps rather than hurts you would also help. Maybe other gay Christians could be your support? That would be finding your religious tribe, which would fit your Jupiter.

I would say that the only way you can get sober for good is to make peace with yourself. That would mean healing the trauma and the self hatred and the harmful beliefs. If you don't do that, you might manage to quit drinking for a time, but it will just come back. Sounds like that's what happened the first time around: you managed to quit, but you didn't address the underlying issues, and you started drinking again when they got to be too much.

You say you've had therapy for years. Presumably talk therapy? That has limited usefulness: there's only so much progress you can make by telling your story over and over. To make real progress with such deep seated issues would take a more profound form of therapy--like EMDR, or my personal favorite, hypnotherapy. You would probably take to it like a duck to water: there's a lot in your chart (the eighth house sun, Scorpio ascendant, all that water) that really resonates with hypnotherapy.

Osamenor said:

There's a lot here to unpack.

I think Jupiter in your chart is the key. Jupiter is a very big player for you. It trines your sun and sextiles your moon. It loosely trines your south node and sextiles your north node, and it's your north node ruler and tightly squares your south node ruler. All of that tells us that everything Jupiter means is something you absolutely must integrate in your life and find a resolution for. Your addiction, and your struggles with religion and sexual orientation, are all Jupiter-related.

Christianity is very meaningful to you, but the Christian teachings you've received about homosexuality are very hurtful. You say you just accepted that you would go to hell and learned to live with it... that's not acceptance. That's resignation. Acceptance would be being truly at peace with it. You can't be truly at peace with a teaching that being who you are is sinful. That's spiritual abuse.

Not to say Christianity isn't also beautiful and meaningful. You don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You do need to find balance and harmony. Not just resignation to "that's how it is," but real peace. That's the meaning of Jupiter in Libra.

Eleventh house can mean social customs and mores. Square to Mercury: your religious community's disapproval of homosexuality is harming you. Eleventh house can also mean your tribe, your people, the ones who share the same goals as you. Jupiter expands everything. The way you describe your history of addiction fits that perfectly: your friends (eleventh house) brought you to drugs, which you used because they made you feel better: Libra harmony, Jupiter wanting more.

Similarly, finding your tribe could help you. How did you get sober the first time? Were you in a support group? Did you receive any kind of treatment? Or just do it on your own?

A support group would probably help you quit drinking this time around--if it's the right kind of support group. One that has room for you to be who you are, in every sense, and doesn't try to destroy your ego (probably not the AA model). Perhaps one for gay alcoholics? If you're anywhere with a noticeable gay community, there probably are some.

Finding a form of Christianity that helps rather than hurts you would also help. Maybe other gay Christians could be your support? That would be finding your religious tribe, which would fit your Jupiter.

I would say that the only way you can get sober for good is to make peace with yourself. That would mean healing the trauma and the self hatred and the harmful beliefs. If you don't do that, you might manage to quit drinking for a time, but it will just come back. Sounds like that's what happened the first time around: you managed to quit, but you didn't address the underlying issues, and you started drinking again when they got to be too much.

You say you've had therapy for years. Presumably talk therapy? That has limited usefulness: there's only so much progress you can make by telling your story over and over. To make real progress with such deep seated issues would take a more profound form of therapy--like EMDR, or my personal favorite, hypnotherapy. You would probably take to it like a duck to water: there's a lot in your chart (the eighth house sun, Scorpio ascendant, all that water) that really resonates with hypnotherapy.

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I know. You are right. There are also some other secrets that I would never discuss. But yes, Christianity's view on homosexuality has definitely harmed me. But I can't escape it. I don't know why I'm so "fixed" on changing my mind (I don't have many fixed signs in my chart) but even though I am a Gemini, I am all about facts and the truth, and the bible makes it very clear that homosexuality is a sin. And that's OK. I'm not a child anymore crying about it in the bathroom or going to bed at night being scared of hell. I am over that. I just never want to become a Christian and do it my "own way," if I'm going to repent and serve God I want to do it by the rules and be truthful and sincere.

As for the therapy, it is great but I never COMPLETELY open up to anyone. I've only ever opened up to my twin brother the most, about a lot of very dark things because we are very similar, but never completely. To be honest, I only really go to keep track of how my meds help (or don't help) and stuff. I never really believed in meds or anything like that but when I started taking them drug free, within months I definitely noticed a change in my anxiety and paranoia. Nowadays I even go outside alone, go shopping, etc and it's totally cool.

As for hypnosis, oh my gosh, crazy that you bring that up. I've never professionally went to a hypnotherapist but you are soooo right. In 2012-2013 I would watch YouTube hypnosis videos every day before going to bed, and they worked so well. I even started watching guided meditations and some very freaky stuff happened to me. The things I would imagine in my guided meditations became a reality like a few days/weeks later. It was insane. I stopped dabbling in that stuff though because I heard when you're in that kind of state, spirits or demons can enter you. I know I sound crazy but I truly believe in this stuff. Just like when you're high, you make yourself a target for demons. That's what I believe, anyway.

GeminiSun said:

As for hypnosis, oh my gosh, crazy that you bring that up. I've never professionally went to a hypnotherapist but you are soooo right. In 2012-2013 I would watch YouTube hypnosis videos every day before going to bed, and they worked so well. I even started watching guided meditations and some very freaky stuff happened to me. The things I would imagine in my guided meditations became a reality like a few days/weeks later. It was insane. I stopped dabbling in that stuff though because I heard when you're in that kind of state, spirits or demons can enter you. I know I sound crazy but I truly believe in this stuff. Just like when you're high, you make yourself a target for demons. That's what I believe, anyway.

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A hypnotherapist is exactly what you need to keep the hypnosis from becoming an overwhelming, freaky experience. If you're hypnotizing yourself, what happens depends on what's going on deep down for you, and if you're very sensitive... someone like you who has a lot of water but little earth in their chart... being too open is a huge risk. In hypnotherapy, the therapist provides the anchor.

They also provide the good thoughts, in counter to any bad thoughts you have about yourself. That's what makes it a healing experience instead of just going deeper into your own darkness.

I don't exactly believe in demons as literal separate entities. The way I see it, we create our own. People who are highly sensitive to the energies of others might absorb the self-created demons from people and society around them--demons, in that sense, can be collective, not just individual--but they're still our own creations. If hypnosis opens you to demons, what it opens you to is your own demons. With help, it can be an exorcism instead of something that gives them more power.

Again, it comes down to your water but little earth imbalance. You're highly sensitive, and you need help grounding. Others can provide that for you: your DC indicates that. Taurus is the earthy, grounded counterpart to Scorpio, which is at home in the underworld. You yourself are good at going into the mysterious other side, but not so much at coming back on your own.

One type of relationship indicated by the seventh house is the practitioner/client relationship. Yours shows what you need from a practitioner. You need them to give you grounding, in a Taurean way: gentle, sensitive, listening. Taurus, being a Venus-ruled sign, has a strong healing energy.

GeminiSun said:

but even though I am a Gemini, I am all about facts and the truth, and the bible makes it very clear that homosexuality is a sin.

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Here are some more facts and truth: https://medium.com/@adamnicholasphi...mosexuality-seriously-it-doesn-t-13ae949d6619

https://www.gaychurch.org/homosexuality-and-the-bible/the-bible-christianity-and-homosexuality/

Gemini is, in fact, very much about facts and truth. Gemini is about basic information, details that are right in front of your face. Sagittarius, also: Gemini is more about "just the facts"--Gemini is the archetypal journalist--while Sagittarius is about expanding and philosophizing on them. Since you also have a Sagittarius moon, that fits you perfectly.

I want to. That's what I want the most! And I had it for a bit until my life transformed COMPLETELY. It's this stupid anxiety I've been struggling with for years. It's not that easy for me to just "go out, take up a sport, do a hobby," at one point I could not leave my house for over a year because I had paralyzing anxiety when I tried to. I couldn't even answer the phone because THAT would make me nervous. Thank God I have gotten way better since then but it's still a struggle for me. Every day is a struggle for me. And it takes time to get over social anxiety. I still cannot leave my house without a pair of sunglasses because I hate making eye contact with people. I can't even make eye contact with family members. I know all of this is my fault because I ******* up my brain in High School with all the stupid drugs but what can I do now? Here I am. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 16 and it's only been the last 2 years where I have finally seen so many awesome improvements but like I said, it is still a struggle.

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If that makes you feel better, everyday is a struggle for 90% of the world. Life IS struggle, and that's that. No one can help you, unless you help yourself. Not even God can help you if you deny yourself help. I know it's hard, I still struggle with anxiety too, but I work ******* hard for dealing with it. I find all possible ways, and most of all I help myself. When it hits me, I found ways how to cope with it after years of trial and error. I either distract myself somehow or... simply distract myself, because anxiety occurs when your conscious mind is everywhere else but here and now. When we go back to the past mentally, we feel anxiety because we automatically connect it to the future. When we start assuming what the future will be , we feel anxiety. This is why people who are fully grounded and present in the moment do not experience it.

Find ways to deal with that, you live in the 21st century, all you have is methods and information. Read, read, read, try, fail, try again, until it gets better. You are having some hard Pluto transits, but not the worst really.

I'm having a transit Pluto inconjunct my Moon for the past 2 years, only the "lucky" ones have it, and I use quotation because it's the shittiest transit one can have. This is when my bipolar disorder started, and it's hell. But all I can do is withstand, find ways to cope, and pray I make it till the end.

Life is a struggle, and as soon as you accept that the better for you.

If this anxiety left me tomorrow that's the first thing I would do. Don't you think I have so many dreams, goals and things I would love to accomplish? I was a very productive person before all of this mess. I was popular, well-liked, interesting to others, had so many things going on at once, succeeded in so many things - but when the anxiety hit it all changed. I lost my friends because I was no longer the same person, the drugs got worst and worst, I became very controversial, I made MANY embarrassing, public, humiliating mistakes that still haunt me to this day, I lost my personality... I lost pretty much everything. And I've been in the process of building myself back up. I quit the drugs and stayed clean for 4 years before I even picked up a drink. And when I did, all the anxiety just vanished, and I got hooked on feeling "normal" again and now I have a whole new addiction to deal with.

It's not as simple as you make it out to be. If it were, I would not be in this situation for so many years.

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Well, once you make a mistake you pay for it. Again, that's life. It's the law of action and reaction. You got involved with drugs, hurt people in the way, now you pay for your sins, basically. All of your actions made an impact on the future, and you are living in your own mistakes. This is how people learn. Again, all you can do now is mobilize yourself and work hard to make verything better, and never make the same mistake again. It's part of the maturing process.

And believe it or not, it's actually that simple as I make it look. Do you think I'm just chit chatting here? That I read all of this from an article? Doesn't it occur to you that from the way I speak, I've been that very same road too? You can make excuses all you want but that's the truth. No one can help you unless you make the first step and help yourself, then seek help from others and friggin accept it. Cos right now you are beggining for help but denying it all, simply because it's not what you want to hear. You one some magic or a miracle to happen so you can feel better. For the last time, life doesn't work like that.

Get involved in some healing/spiritual work, learn how to meditate, learn how to ground yourself, just do something, man. Sitting in forums and making such threats, won't help you unless you take some of the advice those people are giving you. Don't spare your energy to convince me or the rest of those people that it's hard and it's not that easy. We all know it, we never said it would be easy. But you gotta at least do something on your part, otherwise everyone is wasting their time trying to help you, since you seem to be so stubborn. Stubborness is the downfall of many great people, mark my word.

ardentika said:

If that makes you feel better, everyday is a struggle for 90% of the world. Life IS struggle, and that's that. No one can help you, unless you help yourself. Not even God can help you if you deny yourself help. I know it's hard, I still struggle with anxiety too, but I work ******* hard for dealing with it. I find all possible ways, and most of all I help myself. When it hits me, I found ways how to cope with it after years of trial and error. I either distract myself somehow or... simply distract myself, because anxiety occurs when your conscious mind is everywhere else but here and now. When we go back to the past mentally, we feel anxiety because we automatically connect it to the future. When we start assuming what the future will be , we feel anxiety. This is why people who are fully grounded and present in the moment do not experience it.

Find ways to deal with that, you live in the 21st century, all you have is methods and information. Read, read, read, try, fail, try again, until it gets better. You are having some hard Pluto transits, but not the worst really.

I'm having a transit Pluto inconjunct my Moon for the past 2 years, only the "lucky" ones have it, and I use quotation because it's the shittiest transit one can have. This is when my bipolar disorder started, and it's hell. But all I can do is withstand, find ways to cope, and pray I make it till the end.

Life is a struggle, and as soon as you accept that the better for you.



Well, once you make a mistake you pay for it. Again, that's life. It's the law of action and reaction. You got involved with drugs, hurt people in the way, now you pay for your sins, basically. All of your actions made an impact on the future, and you are living in your own mistakes. This is how people learn. Again, all you can do now is mobilize yourself and work hard to make verything better, and never make the same mistake again. It's part of the maturing process.

And believe it or not, it's actually that simple as I make it look. Do you think I'm just chit chatting here? That I read all of this from an article? Doesn't it occur to you that from the way I speak, I've been that very same road too? You can make excuses all you want but that's the truth. No one can help you unless you make the first step and help yourself, then seek help from others and friggin accept it. Cos right now you are beggining for help but denying it all, simply because it's not what you want to hear. You one some magic or a miracle to happen so you can feel better. For the last time, life doesn't work like that.

Get involved in some healing/spiritual work, learn how to meditate, learn how to ground yourself, just do something, man. Sitting in forums and making such threats, won't help you unless you take some of the advice those people are giving you. Don't spare your energy to convince me or the rest of those people that it's hard and it's not that easy. We all know it, we never said it would be easy. But you gotta at least do something on your part, otherwise everyone is wasting their time trying to help you, since you seem to be so stubborn. Stubborness is the downfall of many great people, mark my word.

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Please keep in mind that hard transits don't manifest the same way for everyone, similar problems--such as anxiety and other mental health issues--don't manifest the same way for everyone, and the solutions are not the same for everyone.

It's not helpful to tell someone their problems are their own fault. And much of this post seems to be based on your own deep seated issues, not the OP's. If this thread is triggering for you, best not to read it, let alone respond to it. I used the word triggering because when someone uses as many ****-ed out words as this, particularly a usually helpful poster, something's triggering them.

Some people do well with grounding themselves and working through even major problems on their own. Some people can't do it without help. Sometimes people post here because they honestly don't know where to begin in the real world.

I don't recall ever seeing your chart, ardentika, but your "just do something, get grounded" response sounds like something someone with a strong earth chart would say. (If you don't actually have a strong earth chart, there goes my theory--but it does seem to me that you and GeminiSun are wired quite differently in that respect.) It's not hard at all for people with strong earth charts to ground themselves. It is for people without much earth in their charts. And even people with strong earth charts can get stuck, but not for lack of groundedness. (Edit: Since making this post, I have seen your chart, and earth is a strong element there.)

Your assessment of him as stubborn seems especially unfair. If GeminiSun were stubborn, he wouldn't be on medication and seeing a therapist. He wouldn't have responded to our posts the way he has--by thanking many and giving responses that show serious consideration. We don't see what he might be doing irl, but he is responding to us and not just blowing us off.

Osamenor said:

All,

Keep your responses respectful and astrological. I have deleted one post and removed a paragraph from another that were, or were responding to, an attack on the OP. If you don't have a helpful astrological response to a topic, don't post in it. If you see an attack, report it instead of responding.

Keep it respectful,
Osamenor

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Osamenor, I want to applaud you for your helpful attitude and respect throughout this thread. I was so saddened and frustrated by how many people were bashing and judging the OP, I felt a lot of them were making unfair assumptions. Thank you for taking the time to understand the situation and stand up for the OP.

OP, I feel your pain, and you have no doubt struggled a lot. I am so sorry that you went through that tremendous anxiety as a child, that sounds absolutely terrible. I relate because I had anxious obsessions about going to hell too as a child, from the ages of 8-12 years old, so I know how terrible and scary it is. I used to have nightmares about going to hell, and felt too ashamed to tell anyone, and I used to pray compulsively. The anxiety would get so unbearable at times, so I understand you.
I have luckily never had drug addiction though, but have had family and friends with drug addiction, so I can imagine to some extent how extremely hard that is. You were at such a young, impressionable age when it happened too. Kudos for overcoming it as much as you can, it is very hard. We all have our struggles, but that doesn't mean that somebody should deny their own pain and the severity of it. We can acknowledge our pain, and then find meaning in transcending it, and keep doing our best to move forward as you are.

I am curious to look at your chart - Can you upload it in whole signs as well? I find that to be the most accurate system.

ardentika said:

If that makes you feel better, everyday is a struggle for 90% of the world. Life IS struggle, and that's that. No one can help you, unless you help yourself. Not even God can help you if you deny yourself help. I know it's hard, I still struggle with anxiety too, but I work ******* hard for dealing with it. I find all possible ways, and most of all I help myself. When it hits me, I found ways how to cope with it after years of trial and error. I either distract myself somehow or... simply distract myself, because anxiety occurs when your conscious mind is everywhere else but here and now. When we go back to the past mentally, we feel anxiety because we automatically connect it to the future. When we start assuming what the future will be , we feel anxiety. This is why people who are fully grounded and present in the moment do not experience it.

Find ways to deal with that, you live in the 21st century, all you have is methods and information. Read, read, read, try, fail, try again, until it gets better. You are having some hard Pluto transits, but not the worst really.

I'm having a transit Pluto inconjunct my Moon for the past 2 years, only the "lucky" ones have it, and I use quotation because it's the shittiest transit one can have. This is when my bipolar disorder started, and it's hell. But all I can do is withstand, find ways to cope, and pray I make it till the end.

Life is a struggle, and as soon as you accept that the better for you.



Well, once you make a mistake you pay for it. Again, that's life. It's the law of action and reaction. You got involved with drugs, hurt people in the way, now you pay for your sins, basically. All of your actions made an impact on the future, and you are living in your own mistakes. This is how people learn. Again, all you can do now is mobilize yourself and work hard to make verything better, and never make the same mistake again. It's part of the maturing process.

And believe it or not, it's actually that simple as I make it look. Do you think I'm just chit chatting here? That I read all of this from an article? Doesn't it occur to you that from the way I speak, I've been that very same road too? You can make excuses all you want but that's the truth. No one can help you unless you make the first step and help yourself, then seek help from others and friggin accept it. Cos right now you are beggining for help but denying it all, simply because it's not what you want to hear. You one some magic or a miracle to happen so you can feel better. For the last time, life doesn't work like that.

Get involved in some healing/spiritual work, learn how to meditate, learn how to ground yourself, just do something, man. Sitting in forums and making such threats, won't help you unless you take some of the advice those people are giving you. Don't spare your energy to convince me or the rest of those people that it's hard and it's not that easy. We all know it, we never said it would be easy. But you gotta at least do something on your part, otherwise everyone is wasting their time trying to help you, since you seem to be so stubborn. Stubborness is the downfall of many great people, mark my word.

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I am telling you. I have tried and tried and tried. Sometimes life just puts you in a position where you are supposed to be "trapped" to learn some kind of lesson? I don't know. But I am an extremely determined person, I mean my Mars is in Leo in the 10th House, when I want something, I am up all night while others are sleeping to try and attain it. I am a workhouse, I am a fighter, but sometimes we are in situations in life that take TIME to get out of. I've been on medication for many years, I've been in therapy for many years. You know, like 2 years ago I NEVER thought that I could go shopping alone, go outside, interact with strangers, etc and now I'm doing all of those things.

Maybe I am weak, I don't know, but don't get it wrong, because I have tried, and I haven't sat on my booty waiting for things to change at all.

Apart of me feels like this could be a blessing in disguise, these last few years in my life. I was a super amazing communicator, I could talk to the most anti-social person ever and make them feel comfortable, I had horrid secrets that haunted me but you would never know it if you met me, I had so many friends, accomplishments, etc. This situation, my public image, my mental health, really took me for a ride... It COMPLETELY changed my entire life. And it took A LOT of time to adjust to it! But I've become a way more understanding, patient, sympathetic person from it all. So maybe all of this happened so I could gain these traits. Because I won't lie, I was pretty superficial before I lost my "main" attributes.

But anyway, I totally understand where you're coming from, and I may sound weak or annoying to you, and like I said, maybe I am, but I am not going to accept that you claim I didn't try or didn't give it my all. Because that's what I've been doing since 2009/2010.

Osamenor said:

Please keep in mind that hard transits don't manifest the same way for everyone, similar problems--such as anxiety and other mental health issues--don't manifest the same way for everyone, and the solutions are not the same for everyone.

It's not helpful to tell someone their problems are their own fault. And much of this post seems to be based on your own deep seated issues, not the OP's. If this thread is triggering for you, best not to read it, let alone respond to it. I used the word triggering because when someone uses as many ****-ed out words as this, particularly a usually helpful poster, something's triggering them.

Some people do well with grounding themselves and working through even major problems on their own. Some people can't do it without help. Sometimes people post here because they honestly don't know where to begin in the real world.

I don't recall ever seeing your chart, ardentika, but your "just do something, get grounded" response sounds like something someone with a strong earth chart would say. (If you don't actually have a strong earth chart, there goes my theory--but it does seem to me that you and GeminiSun are wired quite differently in that respect.) It's not hard at all for people with strong earth charts to ground themselves. It is for people without much earth in their charts. And even people with strong earth charts can get stuck, but not for lack of groundedness. (Edit: Since making this post, I have seen your chart, and earth is a strong element there.)

Your assessment of him as stubborn seems especially unfair. If GeminiSun were stubborn, he wouldn't be on medication and seeing a therapist. He wouldn't have responded to our posts the way he has--by thanking many and giving responses that show serious consideration. We don't see what he might be doing irl, but he is responding to us and not just blowing us off.

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Oh, she has a strong Earth element? That makes sense. So does my big brother and my cousin. I love them and we get along very well, but yes, it is like looking at the world in two completely different ways. I never totally understood them and they never totally got me. But we do get along.

ZoraEos said:

Osamenor, I want to applaud you for your helpful attitude and respect throughout this thread. I was so saddened and frustrated by how many people were bashing and judging the OP, I felt a lot of them were making unfair assumptions. Thank you for taking the time to understand the situation and stand up for the OP.

OP, I feel your pain, and you have no doubt struggled a lot. I am so sorry that you went through that tremendous anxiety as a child, that sounds absolutely terrible. I relate because I had anxious obsessions about going to hell too as a child, from the ages of 8-12 years old, so I know how terrible and scary it is. I used to have nightmares about going to hell, and felt too ashamed to tell anyone, and I used to pray compulsively. The anxiety would get so unbearable at times, so I understand you.
I have luckily never had drug addiction though, but have had family and friends with drug addiction, so I can imagine to some extent how extremely hard that is. You were at such a young, impressionable age when it happened too. Kudos for overcoming it as much as you can, it is very hard. We all have our struggles, but that doesn't mean that somebody should deny their own pain and the severity of it. We can acknowledge our pain, and then find meaning in transcending it, and keep doing our best to move forward as you are.

I am curious to look at your chart - Can you upload it in whole signs as well? I find that to be the most accurate system.

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Oh my gosh, this makes me feel so much better. I have never met or talked to anyone who had such a preoccupation with death and the after-life before. And thank you for your kind comments! To be honest, I feel kind of awkward about this thread lol, and I was a little tipsy when I posted it but I don't regret it because if you can't be completely honest while being anonymous on a forum then when can you ever be honest? Like jeez lol.

And I would upload my chart for you with a more accurate system but I am not sure which system you are talking about. I know the basics of Astrology but not really like the in-depth type of stuff.