Why do I keep obsessing over guys

Wan, I have some thoughts. My neighbour wasn’t my type at first, I had known him for a few years kinda and never once thought I fancied him. Even hanging out at first, I didn’t have that big initial feeling of a spark. Now I think he is actually pretty handsome. He has a nice build, tall and good facial structure, smile, teeth, etc. Sex is good. He is so ‘nice.’ I like his demeanour and personality, he’s very laid back and happy go lucky.

Anyway, I got to see this side to him after getting to know him. When you connect with someone emotionally, you see these things.

Your Moon is in Gemini so I think you’ll appreciate getting to know someone through their mind and personality too.

Do you think, waiting for that elusive Scandinavian man is concentrating deliberately on the physical as a way to avoid the emotional?

Mind you, you liked your boss, you didn’t mention him being Scandinavian. I respect that fact you tried to hook up with your boss, that took balls but most people would have been turned down tbh it’s a professional setting.

Then, I have two options I would like to see you try. 1) get to know a guy through a dating app as friends, try someone out of your usual type 2) have sex with him.

Hi Pooh,

Thanks you for your response, it's very thought-out and I also appreciate your advice.

And to answer your question, my ex-manager was technically half-French and half-Norweigian, although phenotypically, he looked strictly Scandinavian, or in other words, Nordic.

To be honest, I have never tried or even thought of befriending someone first so as to see whether I will develop romantic feelings for him. I really don't know if it would work for me or not, I have never tried. But I do agree it's a definite possibility, even for someone who's very "shallow" like me.

Regarding dating apps and by extension, online dating, I guess you can say I am prejudiced against it. I feel that knowing someone in real life is more "real", and more organic than knowing someone online. I believe you can like some online person a lot but once you actually meet him, you might find that you don't like his real life self all that much or worse, you find that you simply aren't attracted him, which means you had wasted all that time talking to him.

And as for having sex with someone without being in a committed relationship... that is simply out of question for me. Maybe I am just a prude.

Well, there is nothing wrong with having a type. But I don’t like dating apps either because I only ever swipe right on my type and all these guys I don’t find particularly attractive like I swiped right on the guy I ended up dating in April because I thought he looked liked a fuk boy but then we dated a few months later, actually he ended up being a boy so that’s a bad example, but I mean, guys who are not attractive to me straight away, like my neighbour, I ended up being very attracted to.

I love being friends with someone first, I am a shy person so it gives me time to feel comfortable and not rush things and to build feelings and tension. It’s amazing. But really disappointing when after all these months of getting to know them, it doesn’t go anywhere anyway.

If there is an opportunity for a man who is not Scandinavian to date, tell him you just want to be friends and see what happens when you start to date.

It may lead to sex and then hopefully a commitment. I agree sex with no commitment is not good. It’s been very hurtful actually to process that my neighbour didn’t want commitment.

I just thinking building up experience is also good and that there’s guys who aren’t necessarily a 10/10 who have a lot to offer. Like, people are interesting to get to know as people.

Agreed, Pooh.

To each her own. I knew two women who met their current husbands through on-line dating sites. My daughter met a BF that she had for four years.

The idea is to meet the person as soon as feasible, not to continue with someone as a pen pal. And certainly to avoid sites that attract the creepy creeps.

Trouble is, especially in these days of covid restrictions, singles who really want a relationship often virtually sequester themselves away. (No, I wouldn't do bar-hopping, either, but something like taking a beginning community college course in something guy-ish, joining a hiking club, taking sailing lessons, &c.)

Yeah the sooner you can meet the guy the better. It's impossible to tell from an app how you will gel in person. Although I do think you can see in photos a general impression but normally my standards are higher when I am on a dating website when in actuality, I often get feelings for guys who were not necessarily my type.

I like the idea of joining social clubs and activities to find a guy, that is almost predatory Waybread haha jokes I wonder, if i did that, if people will think 'oh, she's on the hunt.' I hope not lol.

A lot of it comes down to social confidence because you have to be comfortable in these social situations when on your own. Sometimes my barriers are up because of my anxiety, which is fine, because the activity I'm doing (like swimming) calms me down and I get into it but you do need good social skills and low level anxiety at all times to seem approachable to a guy or they just will not want to come to you.

Also, I think a guy who is too aggressive and comes to you straight away is easier to talk to, he makes and leads the conversation but I do not trust his motives the same as the guy who sits back and does not try to 'claim' me. He is husband material but takes longer to talk to him. I like that game, I guess I like the challenge.

Good luck, UKPB.

I do think you're making things more complicated than is necessary. Try just meeting men as people first. Start with nothing more than a shared interest, like joining a hiking club. If love is likely to happen, it won't benefit from interpersonal games or "stories" you've told yourself about relationships. I don't see how anyone could relax around those beliefs. One's spouse or partner ideally is also just a really good friend.

It is difficult for me not to project stories onto people. It is part of the anxiety probably. I don’t do it as much as what I would but when I was younger or more depressed, or even now in anxious mode, then I would be analyzing everyone I met to smithereens.

It’s not all bad, it makes for a vivid imagination. Like you're my granny who bakes me apple pies full of advice

I could go on with others but I’ll stop.

I think you girls are assuming men are complicated creatures, while we are in fact the simplest beings on the planet. The men UKPB talks about, sleep with her because she is available, and then don't have to stay, because she is still available to them whenever they want.

Waybread is kind of right, if you give the milk out for free, there is no reason to buy the cow.

You want men to stay? ignore them from time to time.

Glad to have a guy's perspective, Dirius!

Now can I ask you a question: do men like it when women take the initiative? It could be as simple as initiating conversation, or flat-out pursuing him.

I think I was chaisng my ex-manager, and that's why I failed and it didn't go anywhere. I think he lost respect for me. He literally said because I was pursuing him, he didn't have to put in any effort.

Would like to hear you thought on this.

Dirius said:

I think you girls are assuming men are complicated creatures, while we are in fact the simplest beings on the planet. The men UKPB talks about, sleep with her because she is available, and then don't have to stay, because she is still available to them whenever they want.

Waybread is kind of right, if you give the milk out for free, there is no reason to buy the cow.

You want men to stay? ignore them from time to time.

Click to expand...

I think you are speaking the truth.

I have a son and a daughter. My daughter and I can talk about her and her relationships endlessly and we talk in stories and rhyme, like UKPoohB does. I can totally relate.

My son can download his entire depth of info about his relationship status with a few short sentences and it is very accurate. Just different than the way my daughter does it.

He also gives her the type of advice seen above....blunt but clear and concise. For exAmple, If he is not answering your texts in a timely fashion, he is not that interested.
And---Don't give the milk for free, after getting a late night phone call to say 'hey.'

katydid said:

I think you are speaking the truth.

I have a son and a daughter. My daughter and I can talk about her and her relationships endlessly and we talk in stories and rhyme, like UKPoohB does. I can totally relate.

My son can download his entire depth of info about his relationship status with a few short sentences and it is very accurate. Just different than the way my daughter does it.

He also gives her the type of advice seen above....blunt but clear and concise. For exAmple, If he is not answering your texts in a timely fashion, he is not that interested.
And---Don't give the milk for free, after getting a late night phone call to say 'hey.'

Click to expand...

Exactly. People covet what they don't have. When women give themselves for free, it just has no value to men.

wan said:

Glad to have a guy's perspective, Dirius!

Now can I ask you a question: do men like it when women take the initiative? It could be as simple as initiating conversation, or flat-out pursuing him.

I think I was chaisng my ex-manager, and that's why I failed and it didn't go anywhere. I think he lost respect for me. He literally said because I was pursuing him, he didn't have to put in any effort.

Would like to hear you thought on this.

Click to expand...

Not really. When a woman talks to you out of the bloom she is pretty much screaming "please sleep with me". The only exception to this is when the girl is someone you have a "history" with, in which feelings are already established.

You need to make yourself available, without making yourself available.

You just need to make it known that you are single and open to a romantic encounter, but let the guy act. In fact, why would you want a man so passive that is too scared to ask you out?

Look girls, romance is quite simple

Most women like to feel desired, and like to feel "valued" by men. And most women covet that feeling, whether married, in a relationship, or single.

This is why, for example, men that you don't initially find interesting, eventually become appealing, because they show interest in you (use UKPB's example of a man that she didn't like but eventually felt attraction to).

But this works both ways, if you don't show yourself to have "value" to men, they have no reason to stay.

On that topic, this has nothing to do with looks either:
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I have a friend, pretty much a guy that looks like a male model. Handsome as hell, and hyper succesful with women. He is a pretty monogamous guy, and historically, all of his relationships have been what I've considered to be "less attractive" women, at least by comparison (the dude is pretty much a supermodel that can attract the hottest women in the planet without a problem).

Thing is he has a few mommy issues, and usually wants women to be there for him to "cuddle him" - so he goes for very maternal women. These types of girls have a lot of value for him - and is unrelated to the level of attractiveness.

Most of the girls he ends up dating don't usually try to hook up with him at first, because they don't think they have a shot or believe he won't be interested in them, and most of the time they just befriend him, and act like a concerned mother with him. But because this is what he actually wants, and finds value on this, he ends up asking them out.

So here is the key: find out what the guy wants, what he values, and act accordingly. Don't make yourselves super available to a guy just because you like him. This is when astrology comes in handy.

I am glad you posted too Dirius I was wondering what you were going to say.

I will take the advice and ignore from time to time. We were going to meet up tonight just the two of us with none of his friends or family visiting but I think I will ignore and do my coursework and housework instead.

I do understand what you mean about coveting what you don’t have. I have not enjoyed the last few weeks that the tables of power have turned in his favour. I do not like our synastry together and do not want his baby but I do like him and will experiment with this advice.

With respect to Dirius, he is one man out of a few billion.

Also, we are all of an age where we no longer qualify as "girls."

Looking at this "hard to get" strategy, the problem is that too many women feel under enormous pressure to be in a committed relationship. It's not as bad as when I was young, and a woman unmarried at age 23 or 24 raised questions about why she couldn't attract and keep a man. But the pressure is still out there, both internally and externally driven.

If men are the "simple" creatures that Dirius claims, I'd say that a lot of them are not anxious to rush into a committed relationship. A 5th-house one-nighter or even "friends with benefits" would be fine with a lot of them, but they understandably don't want to commit heart and soul to someone they don't know well and may not even fancy [to use a UK expression] all that much.

So he and she get into a kind of dance. The more she comes on strong, the more he retreats. Why? Because probably she's projecting emotional need. [And a woman looking for Mr. Right can project a huge amount of emotional need that he may be unprepared to fulfill.] Her retreat gives him more space to explore their personalities and advance, without him having to feel that she's anxious to hook him.

We're all emotionally needy to some extent, but unfortunately it can become highly manipulative. Notably when he fails to fit her unrealistic pictures for courtship behavior.

Emotional neediness is not a romantic turn-on. A happy self-confidence is attractive.

Don't feel happily self-confident?

"Fake it till you make it."

Dirius wrote:

So here is the key: find out what the guy wants, what he values, and act accordingly. Don't make yourselves super available to a guy just because you like him. This is when astrology comes in handy.

Click to expand...

I nearly gagged on my coffee reading this one.

It's kind of like a buyers or sellers market in real estate. Only he's the seller and it's a sellers' market.

We all have to be ourselves. Trying to fit someone else's pictures can be ultimately soul-destroying. If s/he doesn't admire you for who you truly are, masquerading as a different type of person just to be attractive to him is a losing proposition.

Where synastry comes in is in finding genuine compatibility. If your suns and moons make harmonious aspects, for example, you don't have to try to become a different type of person. Because you'll be fine together the way you are.

waybread said:

With respect to Dirius, he is one man out of a few billion.

Also, we are all of an age where we no longer qualify as "girls."

Looking at this "hard to get" strategy, the problem is that too many women feel under enormous pressure to be in a committed relationship. It's not as bad as when I was young, and a woman unmarried at age 23 or 24 raised questions about why she couldn't attract and keep a man. But the pressure is still out there, both internally and externally driven.

If men are the "simple" creatures that Dirius claims, I'd say that a lot of them are not anxious to rush into a committed relationship. A 5th-house one-nighter or even "friends with benefits" would be fine with a lot of them, but they understandably don't want to commit heart and soul to someone they don't know well and may not even fancy [to use a UK expression] all that much.

So he and she get into a kind of dance. The more she comes on strong, the more he retreats. Why? Because probably she's projecting emotional need. [And a woman looking for Mr. Right can project a huge amount of emotional need that he may be unprepared to fulfill.] Her retreat gives him more space to explore their personalities and advance, without him having to feel that she's anxious to hook him.

We're all emotionally needy to some extent, but unfortunately it can become highly manipulative. Notably when he fails to fit her unrealistic pictures for courtship behavior.

Emotional neediness is not a romantic turn-on. A happy self-confidence is attractive.

Don't feel happily self-confident?

"Fake it till you make it."

Click to expand...

Not really true, lot of guys fall in love constantly with different women. And some men dig emotional needines. Its not about "confidence" or stuff like that. Men don't care about that. We don't value the same things as women do. That is part of the issue here, women usually think men want certain things, that we really don't.

But no guy wants a woman who is "too" available. Specially a guy that has options among the women he could be with. No one wants to date the woman that gets around. The reason men are not rushing into relationships is because our "ideal" woman is harder to find these days. We like women who represent more "traditional" and femenine behaviour.

Trust me on this one: act hard to get, and a guys view about you is going to change radically. Don't just throw yourself into bed with a guy, act abit harder to get, don't pay much attention to them, and you are going to see more success in your dating life. Let the guy put effort into getting you - but act and respond accordingly.

Men do see women as objects, in a certain sense, and how much value they have. If they consider you to have a lot of value, they are going to desire you. If you don't have value, they won't. Its a harsh reality, but it is the truth.

By the way, not trying to be offensive, just offering you girls the reality of how men see women these days.

waybread said:

Dirius wrote:

I nearly gagged on my coffee reading this one.

It's kind of like a buyers or sellers market in real estate. Only he's the seller and it's a sellers' market.

We all have to be ourselves. Trying to fit someone else's pictures can be ultimately soul-destroying. If s/he doesn't admire you for who you truly are, masquerading as a different type of person just to be attractive to him is a losing proposition.

Where synastry comes in is in finding genuine compatibility. If your suns and moons make harmonious aspects, for example, you don't have to try to become a different type of person. Because you'll be fine together the way you are.

Click to expand...

It is a market. That is why people try to act differently and more attractive when they are around someone they like. People do this already by going to the gym, dressing differently, wearing make-up, etc.

If what you say is true, then wan and UKPB's love life wouldn't have any problems, because they are being themselves.

passiflora said:

So Dirius, I have a question. Why do guys automatically assume if you strike up a conversation with them, that you want to get into bed?

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Because you are letting the guy know that you have an interest in him, and that you are available enough to make the first move. The man does not have to invest any real effort in you from the get go, which in a sense, devalues your desirability. Part of this effort is striking up the conversation, and inviting you out. Youa re also showing that you are only interested in him for his looks, which suggests that you are mostly into sex, and not really looking for something special.

The way a guy shows a woman he has a real interest in her is by putting effort:

- If a guy calls you on the phone, invites you to his home to hook-up, he has no real interest in you, and just sees you as an easy laid.

- If a guy likes you, he is going to take you out to a restaurant or nice date: he is going to try to impress you with everything he can, because he likes you.

In the situation you ask about, you have removed the initial opportunity to show effort (the man striking up the conversation), meaning that you, as a woman, don't eventually require much effort to get into bed with.ç

I'm not saying this is how women feel though, just saying what the man thinks about.

Also, I'm saying this in the context of the current "hook-up" culture my generation is experiencing.