my problem isn’t necessarily meeting people, like i said it’s not even the lack of attention. i GET the attention, but i’m just rarely interested. i have people i COULD reach out and i know would kill to have a chance with me, but my problem is that i can just never seem to reciprocate that energy? there’s NOTHING wrong with them, and it feels like everything wrong with me. essentially, most of my relationships come down to that “best friend” energy with me. like a “yeah i guess i could settle for him, i’m not really interested but there’s nothing wrong about it”
essentially, i have quite a list of people i could “settle” down, but i don’t actually feel the same way in return? it feels like i’m either settling and not truly interested, or chronically alone (which i tend to choose, just because i don’t feel very good about the other option). i could name about 2 people in my life that i’ve ACTUALLY had those feelings for, they were kinda just….there without me having to try. so i know it’s possible for me lmao i’m just wondering what’s actually so defective about me that i have the hardest time actually feeling anything romantic for people, as much as i would want to be in a relationship?
Hello, lumigen [what a wonderful name]
I am using whole sign houses, partially because it resolves the intercepted house problem in your chart and partially because the chart makes more sense to me that way.
I was impressed with all the planets in your chart in the sign of their dignity and exaltation: Sun, Moon, Venus, Mars. So they all express themselves, operate, more or less comfortably as elements of your psyche.
Your Mercury is a bit of a renegade, having no dignity nor detriment, kind of unmoored because of that. And being nestled in there between exalted Sun and dignified Mars has got to affect the way you think, perhaps making it more impulsive, although your quick mind also serves you.
Saturn has a tiny bit of dignity in Pisces, not strong in the chart, but also not particularly problematic.
And then there is Jupiter which is in the sign of its fall in Capricorn, an uncomfortable place to express itself. It rules both your 2nd house of personal possessions and attributes and is domiciled there. It also rules the 5th house of love and romance. It is opposed by a strong Moon from the house of possessions and attributes of the 'other.' A Moon which very much likes Jupiter by reception. But Jupiter does not like Moon, your inner feeling life, much. Jupiter rejects it. So in a way, not matter how you feel/Moon or think/Merc, something does not feel good to you in the way you perceive your personal attributes/2nd and the way you experience and engage love/romance/5th. I might even go so far as to look at natal Moon's being at about the midpoint of Jup Nep, and so bringing together uncomfy Jup and illusory Neptune, pointing to your not really being able to see what is going on in this tri-planetary dynamic as clearly as you might like.
That is an abbreviated profile, a map, so to speak. Jupiter is the squeeky wheel that needs to be lubricated. This is to say that you may want to start bringing more tender compassion and kindness to yourself and to those ill or uncomfortable thoughts/feelings that you have about your personal attributes and how love/romance works in you. Perhaps by just beginning to pay attention when you are experiencing them, like when you were motivated to make this post about here on the forum? There are ways to create more space around these unconscious and no longer true thoughts that we have about ourselves and others. Thoughts that are deeply unsatisfying, wounding.
So I would offer that there is nothing defective in you, my friend. Some of your 2nd and 5th house reactions are deeply challenging for you, since they are ruled by uncomfortable Jupiter domiciled and aspected as it is. When you have these reactions you likely cut yourself off from feeling/Moon them. Perhaps this may be what inclines you to assess yourself as defective? And a good first tiny step in shifting this deeply ingrained thought habit might be by beginning to pay more attention to the things that you say, like, "what is defective in me?" Seeing if you might refrain from thinking of your self in that false way?
I am truly wishing you the very best.
