hey alitasea,
in the last days i have studied many natal charts of "artists".
like i see it, the mentioned "artistic pattern" is prominent in your chart:
NEPTUNE in your 1st house (conjunct URANUS = original) trine MOON in 5th house (creativity) trine VENUS, furthermore your 10th house in libra are all clear signs for artistic talent!
i can't answer your last question, but i can ask you, why insinuate to get an answer from something you could not know until you decide to find it out? why not questioning instead, why something you feel is not the right thing for you is worth to continue?
p.s. i am not a native englisch speaker...
Hey, I'm not a native English speaker either. (I'm from Brazil btw haha).
It's nice to see that my chart promises artistic talent. I've read some pretty funny stuff about the Neptune thing, though: that I have a lot of problems remembering simple stuff, that it's hard for me to be in touch with reality... All of that is very accurate haha. Despite identifying myself as someone who is really drawn to sensory details (MBTI ISFP), I do tend to zone out a lot. And other times I try to focus so hard on living on the present that I lose my grip with reality and it all feels like I'm just in a dream. Talking about dreams, they also mean a lot to me, in a symbolic sort of way.
I also always liked drawing, but in the past 4 years I pretty much gave up on it due to anxiety, depression, etc. In my last year of high school I had the opportunity to take a prep course for architecture, but since I was not in touch with my abilities, I thought it would be a waste of my time. So I tried my hardest to get in a decent law school: I occupied my time with Algebra and Physics instead. To be honest, I'm scared of drawing nowadays, because it represented a significant part of my life for so long, and I don't think I can fully dedicate myself to it again. Drawing used to be something I did for fun, but then it became my only source of self-confidence and pride. So I left it behind, to see if I could find something else to help me channel my emotions and find any sort of fulfillment in life. I tried reading, but I don't have much time for it. And I don't feel comfortable writing, either because I lack any good ideas or because I'm afraid of being grammatically incorrect.
I think, though, I'm more preoccupied with what other people who have had a great impact on my life through harsh criticism would think of me. Every time I try to do something for myself I unwillingly picture them sneering at me, belittling my hardest efforts to make the most of my fleeting existence. I feel like I need to find something to make me feel meaningful, but I just can't.
Well, I think I was kinda wrong when I said I was in law school because of parental pressures. It was also because I wanted to see if I could stop needing to find a creative, personal way to help me get through life. My ambitious side could see myself in a position of power, not caring for other people's recognition or help. I would be independent, and never have to rely on my parents again. Anyone else but myself. So by abandoning my previous plans on becoming a web designer or an architect, I would be throwing away everything that made me feel weak and miserable, and perhaps start anew as someone who mattered on their own.
In this process, unfortunately, I isolated myself from everyone. And even in law school, I can't find peace. I feel like a huge part of me is missing, and it's all my fault. But what can I do? I'm in my 4th semester (in a 10 semesters course), and I still rely on my parents for everything. If I simply left the course I'm sure they would stop supporting me financially, and I've no way of fending for myself now. Not in this economy anyways. And I'm sure I'd feel like a loser. I've sacrificed so much to be where I am right now - shouldn't I just keep pushing myself forward and stop whining, like everyone else does? There's also the possibility I might never find another good opportunity like this again.
Sorry for the big big rant, but it just came out this way. (Funny, because I usually don't have much to say).