Well, it's here and gone exact, going super exact in the next 2 days. I almost think to the Avengers Infinity War when Thanos comes in and says "dread it, run from it", and then talks about how destiny is here or rather that he is. Well, Saturn has gone 15 degrees into Aquarius and it has certainly been a tough time. I have not posted in quite some time but I thought I would take the time to do so today.
At some point earlier in the month, I made it a point to call my mom every single day. Then I decide to visit her because over Christmas and New Years, we had a fun time visiting. My real reason was that the company wanted everyone to meet in person for an event and I did not want to be around the crazy intense lady from work who has basically infected my mind and emotions.
We noticed that she was not as negative and this mean vicious person who was mentally unhinged like we knew all of our youth. It pains me because ever since the bad relationship with my dad, I threw both of my parents into the same bucket and bailed to live by myself. Then my dad passed and it's been a struggling time.
When my Dad passed last year, I was not there for my mom. I felt that I had "escaped" years ago and that my mom was to be left behind because she could not be helped. I associated her with my setbacks in life, being locked into that old miserable town because all she did towards me when I was young was yell and beat me. Somehow distancing myself from her was breaking free from my old self who was always restrained.
I was so petty back then, only a little less than a year ago really, that I would constantly talk **** about my mom to my brother and even get drunk only to yell at her on the phone. To think what a miserable guy I was but somehow, it being "her turn" to answer for the miserable life she put us through was satisfying right.
Now fast forward to this year.
Only a couple of weeks ago, my brother stormed out near midnight after driving home because my mom was pouring all of her negativity on to us. I could barely stand it and my brother was very agitated. My mom kept pressing him and wanted him to stay for a week but he quickly left. Mom starts crying loudly and begging him not to leave. I go with him because he is alone about to drive on a highway by himself.
Mom calls his number and then mines, crying loudly as we are a few minutes away from home. I hear loud choking because she is on speaker and away from the phone. What I do is beg my brother to turn back the car and he does.
We arrive home to find her collapsed on the floor, half of her face green, and I do CPR on her. She ends up eventually being okay and tells us of the pain she is in.
My stay which was planned for a week max has now turned into at least a month or two, as I pay rent in another city.
At the same time, things have been peaceful with my mom now and I feel like I am way more nurturing, gentle, and caring towards her. Now I can brush off her misery and light up her day but at the same time, I notice she is a lot nicer towards me.
More of all, she tells me about how much in the dark my dad kept her on everything. I still have a tough time letting go of anger towards my father who passed away almost a year ago but I am grown very sympathetic towards my mom.
At times I worry for her safety and that of all of my family members. All I can say though is that this time has certainly been intense, so far...