Childhood sexual abuse and soul purpose

Two months ago I discovered I had been sexually abused by my father when I was 4. I had no memory of my childhood until then. It's still hard for me to believe this happened because I haven't delved into that pain yet.
I would really apreciate it if you could tell me any signs of sexual abuse in the composite and synastry chart between my father and I.
I'll post my natal chart too in case you see any signs of abuse.
Also I have nessus conjunct my north node and pluto in the 1st house in Scorpio, would that mean my purpose is related to learning the lessons concerning abuse and power?

Thanks for your help <3

hi FireWalkWithMe

actually in your natal, the pluto conjunction to your node would be indicative of abuse and as the Saturn/Pluto midpoint is conjunct to child, then the father is indicated. the midpoints of your Uranus/Neptune square to venus are also conjunct sat run ,again, showing he was involved.

in the composite pluto is conjunct to the node and venus is conjunct the south node opposed to pluto. this is a very strong indicator of sexual abuse. here child is conjunct your Saturn(father)
though with pluto sextile to Neptune/Jupiter and trine to Saturn/child and opposed to venus, it seems the relationship with your father seemed very supportive and affectionate.
there seems to be a generational factor as the Jupiter pluto midpoint is conjunct the Saturn/nessus midpoint. this means that the abuse was not isolated in your life but your father likely had abusive experiences in his childhood. Jupiter implies the grandparent of an authority figure condoned this behavior even if unconsciously. and with your moon(mother0 opposed to dejaniera, it is another indicator of a generational condition. likely your mother herself was abused and therefore may not have seen the tendency in your father.
rahu

I am so sorry for your emotional pain.

May I ask how you discovered this abuse? Of the first two charts, please clarify which chart is which. Could you also please post your father's chart separately? If you don't know his birth time, just input it as "unknown," so we don't end up with bogus houses.

I came to help with the spiritual side of this. My unaspected dominant Neptune feels your pain. I have to look at this, but this is going to be very much in the actual stars.

Your Sun is very in Pisces when you were born (I mean the constellation) i look to your neptune firmly in Capricorn, this is actually a good placement for Neptune (as Capricorn is a water sign [possibly and earth sign at the same time] and it is cardinal nature) meaning that Neptune in theory us actually exalted in Capricorn as well as Cancer.

Your Neptune in Capricorn aspects your also firm Scorpio Pluto and Virgo Moon. This is analysis, authenticity, and dissociation. Your Venus is actually in Pisces too, exalted at your birth and aspecting your Neptune. Meaning Neptune is your underlying factor in your chart. It's so powerful that it even brings your opposite Moon and Sun constellations together through it's aspect to the moon and it's connection with the Sun.

You can tune into every thing it looks like. You can feel not only your pain but other people's pain too. I bet this is part of the reason you haven't felt through this event yourself. Neptune is probably what allows you to block this event from your psyche. Thisbrings me to Neptunes spiritual journey.

Spiritual lesson: "Swim don't sink". Neptune can get caught up in all the background noise that it can drown the native. They must learn what feelings are their own and cannot let others feelings drown their own.

Your chart shows not the signs of abuse in the way you may be thinking. You will probably use substances to cancel the noise of others feelings and to numb your own. I suggest forgiveness and meditation. Neptune is full of wrath and Capricorn was originally the God of the Sea itself (Enki) you will have a stormy and moody nature, learn to use Capricorns to anchors you.

rahu said:

hi FireWalkWithMe

actually in your natal, the pluto conjunction to your node would be indicative of abuse and as the Saturn/Pluto midpoint is conjunct to child, then the father is indicated. the midpoints of your Uranus/Neptune square to venus are also conjunct sat run ,again, showing he was involved.

in the composite pluto is conjunct to the node and venus is conjunct the south node opposed to pluto. this is a very strong indicator of sexual abuse. here child is conjunct your Saturn(father)
though with pluto sextile to Neptune/Jupiter and trine to Saturn/child and opposed to venus, it seems the relationship with your father seemed very supportive and affectionate.
there seems to be a generational factor as the Jupiter pluto midpoint is conjunct the Saturn/nessus midpoint. this means that the abuse was not isolated in your life but your father likely had abusive experiences in his childhood. Jupiter implies the grandparent of an authority figure condoned this behavior even if unconsciously. and with your moon(mother0 opposed to dejaniera, it is another indicator of a generational condition. likely your mother herself was abused and therefore may not have seen the tendency in your father.
rahu

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Thank you so much for your input Rahu, it clarifies a lot of things.

I had no idea about my mother being abused but I can totally see it in my father as he always said his childhood was very hard but never gave any details about it, sometimes it looks like he lacks the capacity to feel, most probably because of what happened to him. Do you think it was a member of the family who abused him or if anyone in the family knew about that incident?

Also is there any way to know if the abuse happened repeatedly between my father and I? I only have memory of the one that happened when I was 4 but I don’t remember almost anything from age 1 to 10 so that makes me wonder if it was an ongoing thing between us. He was actually very affectionate towards me when I was a child based on the videos and pictures I’ve seen, I think my mother was cold and distant, but when I was a teenager my father became really violent and abused me mentally and emotionally for 10 years and my mother became the submissive one.

What do you think about the Nessus in the 1st house conjunct the North Node, Jupiter and Pluto in my natal chart? I’ve read that could mean I am or will be abusive towards others? But in my experience I’ve always attracted abusive experiences into my life, in school, in family and with my partners and I don’t see myself as being capable of becoming that kind of person, so I don’t know how that fits into my future, maybe becoming aware of how abuse and power work?

Thanks <3

waybread said:

I am so sorry for your emotional pain.

May I ask how you discovered this abuse? Of the first two charts, please clarify which chart is which. Could you also please post your father's chart separately? If you don't know his birth time, just input it as "unknown," so we don't end up with bogus houses.

Click to expand...

Thank you waybread <3

Well I always had the feeling that something bad happened in my childhood but I never got into it. In September I had a pretty nasty emotional breakdown (I used to have 1 or 2 per month) and started to think I had been raped as a kid, I thought it was just my mind making it up, I looked at the symptoms of childhood sexual abuse and I had all of them but still thought I had made it up.

In March I had a dream of a man talking to me and coming towards me, I was 4 years old in that dream, he talked about karma and running away from my past and he clearly was sexual towards me, I ended up in another dimension full of red geometrical shapes (which I believe represented the root chakra) and I thought I was going nuts because it didn’t feel like a dream at all, when I woke up I was completely terrified, I looked at myself in the mirror but I didn’t see myself, it was like looking to a stranger.
So I went to therapy the days after and the memory came out, I had my eyes closed when the abuse happened so I don’t have a concrete image of how it happened which made it hard for me to believe it actually happened, but I relived the experience on an energetic and physical level, emotionally it was too much so I couldn't get deeper into that.

Right after that session I literally felt I had freed myself of a huge weight, I could physically feel it and energy waves started moving through my body, a lot of images of my life started to come into my mind non-stop, moments in which that event had shown up unconsciously in my life through my behaviour and way of feeling towards myself and life in general so I finally began to fit the pieces together as I had always had the permanent feeling that something in me was dead and missing, also my masculine energy was totally repressed so I never felt rooted, which made it very difficult to feel I belonged anywhere.

I haven’t had any more emotional breakdowns since then, I guess those breakdowns were that memory trying to come out, I still have low days but now I understand why I felt the way I did and that it was necessary for me to live that experience so I can get in touch with my true power. The weird thing is that I don’t feel any anger or disgust towards my father, I did at the beginning for a couple of weeks but I had an ego death experience after that and I've felt gratitude and a really deep sense of understanding towards him since then, I don’t know if that’s because I don’t want to face that pain or because I’m really seeing the bigger picture though.

My therapist told me I’m giving birth to myself but I don’t get what that means yet, he wouldn’t go into any more details but he repeated many times that what happened to me is a blessing from a spiritual perspective, and I got to feel that really deep down too, even though I was feeling pretty shocked at the same time, so I’m still trying to integrate all this and see it from my heart and not from my ego.

Sorry for the long response, I hope you don’t mind—it’s kind of therapeutic for me to put what I’ve experienced into words

I’ve attached my father’s natal to the original post and edited the pictures so you can see which chart is which. I don’t know his birth time, I’m seeing my grandmother on Sunday so I’ll ask her.

Thank you <3

Whoam1 said:

I came to help with the spiritual side of this. My unaspected dominant Neptune feels your pain. I have to look at this, but this is going to be very much in the actual stars.

Your Sun is very in Pisces when you were born (I mean the constellation) i look to your neptune firmly in Capricorn, this is actually a good placement for Neptune (as Capricorn is a water sign [possibly and earth sign at the same time] and it is cardinal nature) meaning that Neptune in theory us actually exalted in Capricorn as well as Cancer.

Your Neptune in Capricorn aspects your also firm Scorpio Pluto and Virgo Moon. This is analysis, authenticity, and dissociation. Your Venus is actually in Pisces too, exalted at your birth and aspecting your Neptune. Meaning Neptune is your underlying factor in your chart. It's so powerful that it even brings your opposite Moon and Sun constellations together through it's aspect to the moon and it's connection with the Sun.

You can tune into every thing it looks like. You can feel not only your pain but other people's pain too. I bet this is part of the reason you haven't felt through this event yourself. Neptune is probably what allows you to block this event from your psyche. Thisbrings me to Neptunes spiritual journey.

Spiritual lesson: "Swim don't sink". Neptune can get caught up in all the background noise that it can drown the native. They must learn what feelings are their own and cannot let others feelings drown their own.

Your chart shows not the signs of abuse in the way you may be thinking. You will probably use substances to cancel the noise of others feelings and to numb your own. I suggest forgiveness and meditation. Neptune is full of wrath and Capricorn was originally the God of the Sea itself (Enki) you will have a stormy and moody nature, learn to use Capricorns to anchors you.

Click to expand...

Thank you Whoam1 <3

Yes, I’ve always felt I can feel the world’s pain so to speak but I thought it was due to Pluto being in the first house. It is also very difficult for me to separate my feelings from others’, most of the time I don’t know which are mine and which are not.
I do have a very Neptunian energy, I’ve always had the E.T. syndrome as I call it. My feminine side is very strong and my masculine energy is almost non-existent so I scape a lot from reality through daydreaming and isolation, I sometimes use weed as a way to get away from my feelings but I know it doesn’t help at all so I just smoke every now and then.

So using Capricorn’s energy would be the same as integrating my masculine energy to anchor myself in my body and the physical? That's totally a must for me if I want to find some balance within.

Thanks <3

FireWalkWithMe said:

Thank you so much for your input Rahu, it clarifies a lot of things.

I had no idea about my mother being abused but I can totally see it in my father as he always said his childhood was very hard but never gave any details about it, sometimes it looks like he lacks the capacity to feel, most probably because of what happened to him. Do you think it was a member of the family who abused him or if anyone in the family knew about that incident?

Also is there any way to know if the abuse happened repeatedly between my father and I? I only have memory of the one that happened when I was 4 but I don’t remember almost anything from age 1 to 10 so that makes me wonder if it was an ongoing thing between us. He was actually very affectionate towards me when I was a child based on the videos and pictures I’ve seen, I think my mother was cold and distant, but when I was a teenager my father became really violent and abused me mentally and emotionally for 10 years and my mother became the submissive one.

What do you think about the Nessus in the 1st house conjunct the North Node, Jupiter and Pluto in my natal chart? I’ve read that could mean I am or will be abusive towards others? But in my experience I’ve always attracted abusive experiences into my life, in school, in family and with my partners and I don’t see myself as being capable of becoming that kind of person, so I don’t know how that fits into my future, maybe becoming aware of how abuse and power work?

Thanks <3

Click to expand...

your nessus is conjunct to jupiter and square to the Saturn/Uranus midpoint .
this is a generational aspect of abuse and implies your grandfather abused you father. Uranus can add violence so his violent behavior later in your life would be"expected". likely the abuser knew what was happening. but as the Saturn/Neptune midpoint is square to Jupiter/nessus, it is very likely that alcohol played a role,as is often the case.

I would assume that you were abuse til 10 years old which is why you have no memory. often abusers have a particular age range and when one ages past that time period the abuse my stop

I have found that abusers tend to have all hard aspect with the abusive symbols but the abused person has hard aspects with harmonious aspects also.you have hard abusive aspects but also harmonious aspects with moon sextile to pluto and the node and trine to Neptune/Uranus.
so the probability is that you will not be a abuser your self. the moon-pluto/node-Neptune/Uranus pattern is an aspect of physical land spiritual healing, combined with Jupiter and nessus ,you might have avocation in counseling of abuse survivors.

I would suggest seekig counseling yourself tolearn how to dealwith the emotional side of these memories.
rahu

FireWalk, I am so glad you're in therapy. I hope you have a good relationship with your therapist, and that she can help you release your inner torments. This isn't an easy time for you, but sometimes the way out is the way through.

I have to say I'm not picking up much in these charts. This is either due to my deficiencies in reading, or that what happened to you primarily reflected transits at the time, or perhaps progressions in your dad's chart.

I'm not such a fan of making a lot of the centaurs. We all have them, they are all mostly negative, and yet the average person manages to live a good and moral life, regardless.

People have all kinds of wretched placements in their chart. The question is what they act on, and what they don't.

With your NN in the first house conjunct Pluto, I would definitely see your personal power as the principal area where your personal growth lies. Pluto is also bi-quintile Venus in your chart, suggesting the intertwined themes of your femininity, growth, and personal power. If you think Nessus reinforces the major pattern, that's fine.

FireWalkWithMe said:

Thank you Whoam1 <3

Yes, I’ve always felt I can feel the world’s pain so to speak but I thought it was due to Pluto being in the first house. It is also very difficult for me to separate my feelings from others’, most of the time I don’t know which are mine and which are not.
I do have a very Neptunian energy, I’ve always had the E.T. syndrome as I call it. My feminine side is very strong and my masculine energy is almost non-existent so I scape a lot from reality through daydreaming and isolation, I sometimes use weed as a way to get away from my feelings but I know it doesn’t help at all so I just smoke every now and then.

So using Capricorn’s energy would be the same as integrating my masculine energy to anchor myself in my body and the physical? That's totally a must for me if I want to find some balance within.

Thanks <3

Click to expand...

Glad to have helped. Rember Capricorn is the Sea-goat, the anchor and the storm. Having Neptune there is a very stormy placement, I recommend meditation and such to help ground yourself.

rahu said:

your nessus is conjunct to jupiter and square to the Saturn/Uranus midpoint .
this is a generational aspect of abuse and implies your grandfather abused you father. Uranus can add violence so his violent behavior later in your life would be"expected". likely the abuser knew what was happening. but as the Saturn/Neptune midpoint is square to Jupiter/nessus, it is very likely that alcohol played a role,as is often the case.

I would assume that you were abuse til 10 years old which is why you have no memory. often abusers have a particular age range and when one ages past that time period the abuse my stop

I have found that abusers tend to have all hard aspect with the abusive symbols but the abused person has hard aspects with harmonious aspects also.you have hard abusive aspects but also harmonious aspects with moon sextile to pluto and the node and trine to Neptune/Uranus.
so the probability is that you will not be a abuser your self. the moon-pluto/node-Neptune/Uranus pattern is an aspect of physical land spiritual healing, combined with Jupiter and nessus ,you might have avocation in counseling of abuse survivors.

I would suggest seekig counseling yourself tolearn how to dealwith the emotional side of these memories.
rahu

Click to expand...

Thank you so much Rahu, your insights are amazing...

I've been dealing with so many emotions these days concerning the abuse but I'm feeling stronger now.

There have been so many cases of sexual abuse on the media lately, at least in Spain where I live, it seems this theme is coming out on a grand scale and I'm going to try my best to heal this wound within me so I can help others too. I'm studying transpersonal therapy so I'm definitely on the way of becoming an abuse survivor therapist.

Thank you again for your help, wish you the best <3

waybread said:

FireWalk, I am so glad you're in therapy. I hope you have a good relationship with your therapist, and that she can help you release your inner torments. This isn't an easy time for you, but sometimes the way out is the way through.

I have to say I'm not picking up much in these charts. This is either due to my deficiencies in reading, or that what happened to you primarily reflected transits at the time, or perhaps progressions in your dad's chart.

I'm not such a fan of making a lot of the centaurs. We all have them, they are all mostly negative, and yet the average person manages to live a good and moral life, regardless.

People have all kinds of wretched placements in their chart. The question is what they act on, and what they don't.

With your NN in the first house conjunct Pluto, I would definitely see your personal power as the principal area where your personal growth lies. Pluto is also bi-quintile Venus in your chart, suggesting the intertwined themes of your femininity, growth, and personal power. If you think Nessus reinforces the major pattern, that's fine.

Click to expand...

Definitely. Astrology has helped me to confirm this actually happened and that's enough for me, I don't think it would help me to get deeper into the astrology of it by now, I need to do the inner work, regain my power and grow from this experience and that's something only I can do. As you said, it's not about the placements, or even about the experiences you have lived, but about the attitude you have towards them and what you act on. It's time for action and healing.

Thank you for your help and your support <3

I’m sorry to hear that. I know that with therapy it can be overcome. I’ve heard that Mars square Neptune can be an indicator of abuse. Wishing you the best.