Saturn in my chart? Missing out on life? Missing out on important things?

I'm 28 now but years ago when I was 17-18, my anxiety became unbearable and I ended up becoming a recluse. My best friends abandoned me - everyone in my life disappeared when I developed severe OCD and anxiety and I became a serious loner (1st house Pluto). I spent a decade being a complete loner, not having anyone other then family in my life, missing out on friendships, relationships, dating, etc and I was dealing with allergies and severe mental health problems. I quit addictions, developed new addictions, learned a lot, felt hopeless at times, regained some strength near the end of the decade, etc etc and it was the hardest 10+ years of my life. I was suicidal for many of it.

But my question is, does this reclusion, these 10+ years of being a loner come up in my chart? I feel like I missed out so much in my teen years because I was dealing with so much "life stuff." It's only now where I finally have my drivers license. I couldn't drive, I couldn't talk to people, I couldn't make eye contact, I wore sunglasses a lot of the times, I had obsessive intrusive/negative thoughts, PTSD, depression, paranoia and social anxiety all at once. I even developed marijuana induced psychosis and that was actually the catapult for me to get proper treatment and get better once I came out of the psychosis. But it was years of reclusion, being alone and Hell.

What's pretty crazy is that even in Numerology my Life Path number mentions a time where I would be a recluse and retreat from society:

Number 31 - The Recluse--the Hermit - Those whose birth number is 31 should first read the analysis of the foregoing Compound number 30, because the 31 is very similar to it, except that the person represented by this number is even more self-contained, self-sufficient, lonely, and isolated from others. Quite often, genius is present, or at least high intelligence. At some unexpected time in the life, the glittering promises of the world will be suddenly rejected for the peace and quiet of Nature, or, if the response to the 31 is not quite that pronounced, there will nevertheless eventually be a degree of retreat from society in some manner. The 31 person is sometimes opinionated, an advocate of political change, while remaining fixed in personal habits. Even in a crowd, a 31 person will often feel a sense of loneliness and isolation.

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I just want to know - will I always be isolated from others? Feel lonely? I missed out on so much life and I don't want to miss out on any more. It's only since 2019 where I've started the process of coming out of this "loner phase." It sux because before any of this happened I was very social and out there. Any info in my chart about missing out on teen/early adult years? I don't want to miss out on any more of life.

Samantha Bean said:

About 2016 you were so heavily involved in those drugs, which made interactions with people on this forum rather strained. Have you gotten past that now?

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Lol what? With whom? I don't know anyone personally like that on here.

Edit: Any 1st house Pluto people on here? Sharon Stone has that placement and she explains exactly what we go through:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q62kvUp8qI
2:05

We lose everything. Everything we identify with is lost too. And then we have to rebuild from the ashes. I was rebuilding for 10 years.

GeminiSun said:

I'm 28 now but years ago when I was 17-18, my anxiety became unbearable and I ended up becoming a recluse. My best friends abandoned me - everyone in my life disappeared when I developed severe OCD and anxiety and I became a serious loner (1st house Pluto)...But my question is, does this reclusion, these 10+ years of being a loner come up in my chart?

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Gemini,

When you were 17-18, transiting (moving planets in the sky) Pluto (transformation, ) was going over your birth Neptune (spirituality, also confusion, ). This was a time of INTENSE "unconfusion" where things you THOUGHT you understood you suddenly saw were MUCH different than they had appeared and you had a sudden, clear view of what the world REALLY was. This transit lasts a LONG time and is STILL going on, as you gradually strip aside the Neptunian fog from your world and see what is REALLY there, underneath. Birth Neptune is sextile (energy goes easily with, ) birth Pluto in the First (being) house, so this unconfusion easily feeds into a new, transformational awareness of who YOU are.

Your planets are scattered around your chart, indicating you can easily switch between focusing on the outer and inner world and focusing on yourself and others. But this time of "unconfusion" is forcing you to focus mainly on yourself as this new awareness of the world reveals new layers of who you REALLY are.

Unconfused,

Tim

wilsontc said:

Gemini,

When you were 17-18, transiting (moving planets in the sky) Pluto (transformation, ) was going over your birth Neptune (spirituality, also confusion, ). This was a time of INTENSE "unconfusion" where things you THOUGHT you understood you suddenly saw were MUCH different than they had appeared and you had a sudden, clear view of what the world REALLY was. This transit lasts a LONG time and is STILL going on, as you gradually strip aside the Neptunian fog from your world and see what is REALLY there, underneath. Birth Neptune is sextile (energy goes easily with, ) birth Pluto in the First (being) house, so this unconfusion easily feeds into a new, transformational awareness of who YOU are.

Your planets are scattered around your chart, indicating you can easily switch between focusing on the outer and inner world and focusing on yourself and others. But this time of "unconfusion" is forcing you to focus mainly on yourself as this new awareness of the world reveals new layers of who you REALLY are.

Unconfused,

Tim

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This resonates. I am constantly trying to learn/grow/evolve as a person as I gain more understanding of the world around me and who I really am. It's been this process of clarity, growth and transformation since I've been in my late teens.

Edit: Any 1st house Pluto people on here? Sharon Stone has that placement and she explains exactly what we go through:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q62kvUp8qI
2:05

We lose everything. Everything we identify with is lost too. And then we have to rebuild from the ashes. I was rebuilding for 10 years.[/QUOTE]

Actually there are two birth times listed for her, one that puts pluto on ascendent, and the other with a 12th house placement
At any rate, what she describes is very accurate about pluto on ascendent.
Your pluto is in the 1st house, but not on ascendent, so the effect is muted somewhat. What does come into play in your chart is the ascendent ruler, mars, coming to a square with pluto, i.e. at odds with your own self expression. Mars is on the MH, which is the most visible part of our chart, and it is in Leo, probably the most outgoing sign of the zodiac, generous, upfront, center stage.
It's the contrast between pluto the loner in secretive scorpio and energetic mars in Leo who wants to go out there and have fun. You hold back, but want to go ahead. You present yourself openly, generously gifting your presence to others and at the same time bite your tongue for having done so.
These two energies will not blend like putting yellow and red paint together to get orange. They go together like oil and water, so you always have those little circles of oil floating around and not mixing in whatever you do.
The solution? Accept that you have these different energies within you, and let them out as they come out spontaneously. Don't hold one over the other, don't demonise either. Just live with it. It gets easier with time as you realise what is happening.
Your friends are the 11th ruled by virgo who tends to be choosy and critical, whose significator is mercury in emotional cancer. Cancer can be possessive and moody. And it can literally clam up defensively if it feels slighted.
At the same time, it is in aspect with your sagittarius moon, who is spontaneous and fun loving and flirty, so here too you have two ways of expressing your energy that don't easily blend.
This can be confusing to your friends. They see you caring, and then joking, the life of the party, then reclusive. This is easy for you to resolve because you have an exact trine from mercury to Saturn who will help keep you on track. Reliable and steady, while caring and empathic like pisces.
Why is all this happening in your chart?
You didn't insert the important south node in the chart.
It is exactly opposite North Node, at 12 gemini, with your sun sitting right there!
The NN shows us our goal in this lifetime, while the SN shows us where we are coming from in our Past. The SN is what we know and the NN is what we must learn.
With sun sitting there it involves your ego and identity. When you feel wounded, this is where you retreat, this is your "safe space". And it is in intellectual airy gemini.
But you should be aiming for NN!
NN is in 2nd house, so you should be trying to build up your self esteem. In the 2nd house it is also values, so having money will give you more self reassurance. The 2nd is also your diet and foods taken in. Low self esteem will cause food intolerances for you.
The NN is not as comfortable as the SN, but that is your goal.
Note that your final words are all about your ego, you don't want to miss out on life, you lost ten years, etc, etc. Granted, true, but now move on. In seven sentences you wrote "I" seven times.
That is all South Node business.
Try to shift your energy.
Use your transformational possibilities of pluto to positive effect.
Shift gears and aim towards North Node.
Get out of the comfy cozy SN, try not to intellectualise about yourself.
Note that transiting Uranus is in your 7th house, so you can expect the unexpected to happen in this area. And as it moves forward it will square your MH mars, so get a head start, and when this aspect begins it won't catch you unprepared.

ElenaJ said:

Edit: Any 1st house Pluto people on here? Sharon Stone has that placement and she explains exactly what we go through:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q62kvUp8qI
2:05

We lose everything. Everything we identify with is lost too. And then we have to rebuild from the ashes. I was rebuilding for 10 years.

Click to expand...

Actually there are two birth times listed for her, one that puts pluto on ascendent, and the other with a 12th house placement
At any rate, what she describes is very accurate about pluto on ascendent.
Your pluto is in the 1st house, but not on ascendent, so the effect is muted somewhat. What does come into play in your chart is the ascendent ruler, mars, coming to a square with pluto, i.e. at odds with your own self expression. Mars is on the MH, which is the most visible part of our chart, and it is in Leo, probably the most outgoing sign of the zodiac, generous, upfront, center stage.
It's the contrast between pluto the loner in secretive scorpio and energetic mars in Leo who wants to go out there and have fun. You hold back, but want to go ahead. You present yourself openly, generously gifting your presence to others and at the same time bite your tongue for having done so.
These two energies will not blend like putting yellow and red paint together to get orange. They go together like oil and water, so you always have those little circles of oil floating around and not mixing in whatever you do.
The solution? Accept that you have these different energies within you, and let them out as they come out spontaneously. Don't hold one over the other, don't demonise either. Just live with it. It gets easier with time as you realise what is happening.
Your friends are the 11th ruled by virgo who tends to be choosy and critical, whose significator is mercury in emotional cancer. Cancer can be possessive and moody. And it can literally clam up defensively if it feels slighted.
At the same time, it is in aspect with your sagittarius moon, who is spontaneous and fun loving and flirty, so here too you have two ways of expressing your energy that don't easily blend.
This can be confusing to your friends. They see you caring, and then joking, the life of the party, then reclusive. This is easy for you to resolve because you have an exact trine from mercury to Saturn who will help keep you on track. Reliable and steady, while caring and empathic like pisces.
Why is all this happening in your chart?
You didn't insert the important south node in the chart.
It is exactly opposite North Node, at 12 gemini, with your sun sitting right there!
The NN shows us our goal in this lifetime, while the SN shows us where we are coming from in our Past. The SN is what we know and the NN is what we must learn.
With sun sitting there it involves your ego and identity. When you feel wounded, this is where you retreat, this is your "safe space". And it is in intellectual airy gemini.
But you should be aiming for NN!
NN is in 2nd house, so you should be trying to build up your self esteem. In the 2nd house it is also values, so having money will give you more self reassurance. The 2nd is also your diet and foods taken in. Low self esteem will cause food intolerances for you.
The NN is not as comfortable as the SN, but that is your goal.
Note that your final words are all about your ego, you don't want to miss out on life, you lost ten years, etc, etc. Granted, true, but now move on. In seven sentences you wrote "I" seven times.
That is all South Node business.
Try to shift your energy.
Use your transformational possibilities of pluto to positive effect.
Shift gears and aim towards North Node.
Get out of the comfy cozy SN, try not to intellectualise about yourself.
Note that transiting Uranus is in your 7th house, so you can expect the unexpected to happen in this area. And as it moves forward it will square your MH mars, so get a head start, and when this aspect begins it won't catch you unprepared.[/QUOTE]
I have Pluto on the ASC as well, not just in the 1st house.

You're right. I have two completely different sides to me. There is that outgoing, fun, flirty, dramatic side and then there's this secretive, reclusive, introverted side.

What does come into play in your chart is the ascendent ruler, mars, coming to a square with pluto, i.e. at odds with your own self expression

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Yeah, it's a weird situation. There's a strong side to me that wants to be 100% me, express myself, wear what I want, be fiery and be bold but then another part of me is ashamed of that side of myself and finds it hard to fully express myself so I retreat a lot.

I have to feel comfortable in life to be all of me and I just haven't felt that way the last 10 years or so because I dealt with a lot of heavy anxiety and stuff. It's strange because the first 15 years of my life I was very much center stage and very extroverted, then I experienced a transformation and went thru some stuff and became a recluse. Now I'm trying to find a balance.

Also I know I have to be more like my NN and be more like the 2nd house but it's very difficult for me. My Sun is the same aspect as my South Node. My past, what I have to move on from, feels like home and what I have to move towards (the NN) feels so foreign and alien to me.

Anyway, thanks for the information. Makes a lot of sense.

"(the NN) feels so foreign and alien to me."

Keep at it.
Trust me on this one.