Self-expression

[MajorTom]

Hello; I’ve asked couple of specific questions on here already, but they never seem to cease hahhah.

What I’ve been curious about lately is this: throughout my life, I’ve noticed that I tend to explore my self through the prism of other characters or personalities. It’s not about worshiping and emulating someone completely (be it a real person or a fictional character), but more like seeing that they remind me myself in some way (or even relating to them a lot), or seeing them have those qualities or abilities which I would prize in myself, and starting to develop that as well. On the other hand, I absolutely hate the idea of copying anything at all (one of my first priorities in relation to what I make and my persona in general is staying me, although I like it when people say I remind them of someone). It’s like I take bits and pieces here and there (from clothing to behavior), which help me express myself in a most genuine way, but at the same time would never want to be a copycat.

And I wonder if this tendency can be visible in my chart:

https://pasteboard.co/IjyHQRH.png

[Gemini888]

Prob the Sun/Saturn/Venus square Moon. Capricorn wants to have some kind of "mentor" to follow, but Aries wants to do its own thing. Your chart ruler is the Sun, which doesn't help.

[MajorTom]

Originally Posted by Gemini888

Prob the Sun/Saturn/Venus square Moon. Capricorn wants to have some kind of "mentor" to follow, but Aries wants to do its own thing. Your chart ruler is the Sun, which doesn't help.

Sounds plausible, yes; thanks

[Zora]

Originally Posted by MajorTom

And I wonder if this tendency can be visible in my chart:

From your chart I think that it is not a copying but more a question of self-protection to be skilled as very changeable like a chameleon as you had to learn the urgency and need of this very early. Mercury rules your 2nd house- setting physical boundaries and your feeling of being safe and secure and have your own room. Mercury is in aries showing a certain environement and opposes a zero degree chiron in scorpio in 3rd house. Chiron is in square with neptune- the invisible-maker and different role player and neptun is in square with mercury.

Neptune being at apex of a t-square rules your 8th house- where all problematic issues, addictions, abuse, sex and crime are to be found and to be experienced - as well as near to death experience.

Your physical body appearance, gestures and facial expression and all your radiance is shown and visible to people in your 3rd house. And with chiron in scorpio- your personal (once experienced ) injury you are very cautious to show something real from you- people could use against you.

To copy somebody or to play a role is personally not dangerous for you. As it doesn't show your real being as your are. This is important for you. As long as your injury /wound is not yet healed.

With moon as ruler of 12th house - what is also prenatal experience and in square with venus as your 3rd house ruler being in triple close-conjunct with your sun as AC ruler and saturn as ruler of health. It looks like that it already might happen something before your own birth in prenatal phase during pregnancy of your mother, you have witnessed that time.

Pluto as significator for your mother and ruler of 4th house semisextiles your moon in 5th house- life energy. Moon semisextiles uranus as well as ruler of 7th house- where you took first footsteps on earth here at point of your birth - what looks kinda some stressfull experienced to me.

All emotions you experienced at time of birth are subconsciously stored in your memory and accompany and come up, every time you start something new- -job, relocation, meeting a partner.

Moreover 3rd house is also siblings. With chiron in - relationship might have not been that easy going.


Do you have siblings ?

[MajorTom]

Originally Posted by Zora

From your chart I think that it is not a copying but more a question of self-protection to be skilled as very changeable like a chameleon as you had to learn the urgency and need of this very early. Mercury rules your 2nd house- setting physical boundaries and your feeling of being safe and secure and have your own room. Mercury is in aries showing a certain environement and opposes a zero degree chiron in scorpio in 3rd house. Chiron is in square with neptune- the invisible-maker and different role player and neptun is in square with mercury.

Neptune being at apex of a t-square rules your 8th house- where all problematic issues, addictions, abuse, sex and crime are to be found and to be experienced - as well as near to death experience.

Your physical body appearance, gestures and facial expression and all your radiance is shown and visible to people in your 3rd house. And with chiron in scorpio- your personal (once experienced ) injury you are very cautious to show something real from you- people could use against you.

To copy somebody or to play a role is personally not dangerous for you. As it doesn't show your real being as your are. This is important for you. As long as your injury /wound is not yet healed.

With moon as ruler of 12th house - what is also prenatal experience and in square with venus as your 3rd house ruler being in triple close-conjunct with your sun as AC ruler and saturn as ruler of health. It looks like that it already might happen something before your own birth in prenatal phase during pregnancy of your mother, you have witnessed that time.

Pluto as significator for your mother and ruler of 4th house semisextiles your moon in 5th house- life energy. Moon semisextiles uranus as well as ruler of 7th house- where you took first footsteps on earth here at point of your birth - what looks kinda some stressfull experienced to me.

All emotions you experienced at time of birth are subconsciously stored in your memory and accompany and come up, every time you start something new- -job, relocation, meeting a partner.

Moreover 3rd house is also siblings. With chiron in - relationship might have not been that easy going.


Do you have siblings ?

Hello; thanks a lot for your reply.
Thinking about it, it indeed feels like some sort of self-protection.

“And with Chiron in Scorpio - your personal (once experienced ) injury you are very cautious to show something real from you- people could use against you.” - there are certain aspects of my personality that I almost always fear showing to people, because I know that they may be instantly linked with stereotypes, thus creating a misinterpreted and/or a false image of me in the eyes of others. So it’s just easier to remain some parts of me shut (in order to, ironically, present myself as I actually am, by not actually giving a full picture). And at times it is painful.


“To copy somebody or to play a role is personally not dangerous for you. As it doesn't show your real being as your are. This is important for you. As long as your injury /wound is not yet healed.” - it indeed seems that this tendency is especially pronounced when I have a need to be healed. But I’d ratger say that all the “mask” I emply during these times actually become sort of windows to certain facets of me? It’s basically like I’m taking something as an example for presenting myself, but it feels as something very relatable, like a part of me; an expression that is taken from the “outside”, but reflects the “inside”.


“With moon as ruler of 12th house - what is also prenatal experience and in square with venus as your 3rd house ruler being in triple close-conjunct with your sun as AC ruler and saturn as ruler of health. It looks like that it already might happen something before your own birth in prenatal phase during pregnancy of your mother, you have witnessed that time.” - I’m not sure if that’s what you’re implying to, but as far as I know, my mom used to worry about her first child (me) to be born with some defects, all while when she was pregnant with me. And to be honest she worries a lot in general (something that has been passed on to me as well)


“Pluto as significator for your mother and ruler of 4th house semisextiles your moon in 5th house- life energy. Moon semisextiles uranus as well as ruler of 7th house- where you took first footsteps on earth here at point of your birth - what looks kinda some stressfull experienced to me.” - By “where you took first footsteps on earth here at point of your birth” you mean in relation to the house, or geographically?


“All emotions you experienced at time of birth are subconsciously stored in your memory and accompany and come up, every time you start something new- -job, relocation, meeting a partner.” - This is interesting


“ Moreover 3rd house is also siblings. With chiron in - relationship might have not been that easy going.


Do you have siblings ?” - Oh yes I do, a younger one. We are inexplicably different, and more often than not don’t get along that much, to be honest. That includes having rows quite often, which indeed makes the whole experience not that easy going.

[Zora]

Originally Posted by MajorTom

Quote Zora “With moon as ruler of 12th house - what is also prenatal experience and in square with venus as your 3rd house ruler being in triple close-conjunct with your sun as AC ruler and saturn as ruler of health. It looks like that it already might happen something before your own birth in prenatal phase during pregnancy of your mother, you have witnessed that time.” - Unquote


I’m not sure if that’s what you’re implying to, but as far as I know, my mom used to worry about her first child (me) to be born with some defects, all while when she was pregnant with me. And to be honest she worries a lot in general (something that has been passed on to me as well)

Yes - this is what I mean- and what is subconsciously with you - the "fear of defect- not being O.K.- might be a reason for not showing yourself as you are and looking for an not dangerous role/and healthy person you can copy - still innnerly scared - that mother might be right with her thoughts (?) and it could be discovered as true - as mother in younger age is an "all knowing, mighty goddess"


.

[MajorTom]

Originally Posted by Zora

Yes - this is what I mean- and what is subconsciously with you - the "fear of defect- not being O.K.- might be a reason for not showing yourself as you are and looking for an not dangerous role/and healthy person you can copy - still innnerly scared - that mother might be right with her thoughts (?) and it could be discovered as true - as mother in younger age is an "all knowing, mighty goddess"


.

I actually have this peculiar thing which exists in my relationship with my mother: we don’t really quarrel that much, but occasionally, if a certain conflict arises, it escalates very quickly and gets very, very emotionally heavy for me. I’m not the person who would break like that in arguments with other people, but with my mother I just snap painfully. And cry; so heavily that I can barely talk. Again, that’s far from typical behaviour for me. But it’s always like that in conflicts with my mother. And during them, everything I say feels like something that’s buried deep down in the subconscious; it’s the stuff that I barely give any thought to under normal circumstances (or don’t even realize they exist), yet I let them out surprisingly easily, as if I had been plotting to let that all out for a very long time. It’s like some other part of me voices everything, an autopilot.

The last time it happened, the thing I said was actually about feeling like wrong. Specifically in her eyes, but probably that stretches much further than that, including the way I see myself. It’s not that I beat myself up for things I do or like; it’s just a very basic thing that seems to sit inside, so basic that I don’t even notice it consciously. So invisible that I’m sure people usually don’t see it at all. It’s just there, and I have no idea how to get rid of it.

I know that she loves me, but I really cannot shake the feeling of being damaged in some way, and I don’t think I can change her mindset in that regard.

Also, I don’t intend to make it all sound like I’m accusing my mum for something; it’s just the way it is in our relationship.

Maybe it’s connected, maybe not, but it seems I’ve always been a chameleon in some way, but all of those images I’ve emulated feel like me. It’s like a contradictory model for self-expression.

[MajorTom]

Originally Posted by Zora

Yes - this is what I mean- and what is subconsciously with you - the "fear of defect- not being O.K.- might be a reason for not showing yourself as you are and looking for an not dangerous role/and healthy person you can copy - still innnerly scared - that mother might be right with her thoughts (?) and it could be discovered as true - as mother in younger age is an "all knowing, mighty goddess"


.

There’s something else I’ve recalled concerning feeling wrong in some way: I remember my mum telling she feared of possibility of having a son while being pregnant with me, but the funny thing is that for my whole life I haven’t really felt like a “female” that world seems to expect me to, despite being born in a female body. I actually often think about how being born a male otherwise could probably fit me more. I’m not transgender in a sense that I have an urge to undergo operations, no; I just roll with what I have (although I take pride in how naturally androgynous I look). And to be honest my homosexuality only makes it all even more ironic. If there’s such thing like past lives, I’m convinced that I’ve been a man back then.