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  #1  
Unread 12-23-2018, 09:28 PM
Tryalchemy Tryalchemy is offline
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Unhappy Why am I suffering so much?

I can read other peoples charts and relational charts great, but I can't seem to understand my own or figure out why I am suffering so **** much. My saturn return has ended, but my progressed chart is horrible and I do not wish the placements upon anyone. I feel if I was born at a better time, instead of at the bottom of hell, perhaps I would suffer less. It is just never ending.

I feel too much, think too much, i'm intuitive but then go back and consider that maybe i'm just an idiot and I have been following my intuition with blind faith straight into the slaughterhouse. I love too much. Give too much. I am a fool. My moon neptune aspects probably make me delusional. Isn't it supposed to make me intuitive? If i'm so intuitive then why are the things I am working toward, what I feel guided to do, so difficult to obtain?

In the past 2 1/2 years, I have met the only person I have really ever felt passion for and wanted to marry. Due to my anger and emotional outbursts, he left (moon conjunct mars, yay). I still want to be with him and have been waiting and waiting but something always screws it up. I've mastered the emotional control, i've done all the self help possible, I have done so much meditation. I take antidepressants, they no longer work. I'm so tired of people telling me to switch anti depressants, like that will suddenly make me forget all the things that have caused such sorrow. What a joke.

I'm so angry, I am so bitter, I have done so much and gotten nothing. Maybe I should have been like all the rest, and worried only about myself and making money. Perhaps then I would have been happy.

I feel like I am not from this world. I do not belong here. I do not understand the people here. Selfish. No compassion. Nobody cares. Nobody does anything except what they want to do when they want to do it.

My best friend who knew my entire soul suddenly stopped talking to me because he felt he can't be friends with me since his girlfriend gets jealous (aren't we all adults here?). He no longer even responds to my texts. We were best friends for 7 years and I was the one who helped him move his bed down 3 flights of stairs after crazy breakups and picked him up when he was too drunk to drive, that kind of stuff. He would come over immediately or call if I had an emotional breakdown. He doesn't even text me back anymore. Everyone has just left my life. Moved away. Started a family. I feel isolated. I may as well be a ghost. I think often of killing myself. Therapy doesn't help. Hell, i'm a counselor myself and I don't even know what to do for myself.

I quit my job to better the relationship between my ex and I, as we worked together and I am not a person who can act strictly professional when I have such deep feelings. I don't have that on and off switch. Not when I love someone. I have now been out of work for 2 years, and it's done nothing for my relationship except make him even more distant. I am filled with regret, I have nothing left, I have fallen into a deep depression and cannot climb out.

I am a musician and used to write and produce the most beautiful music but now nothing will even come out.

I keep looking at charts after charts after charts trying to figure out when this will end. When will happiness come. But the more I look the less I find and I am losing hope.

I feel like I am already dead. This is probably my progressed sun, and all my planets in scorpio. It's funny, I could give a rats a** about money, status, material items. All I want is closeness and it's the one thing life continues to drastically deny me. Everytime I get close to anyone, they leave. I wish I could buy closeness. Everything I want and need cannot be bought with any amount of money. Everyone else has these things, and does not care, they worry more about obtaining more money. They don't know how precious the free things are.

I'm not asking for advice on what to do. I just want to know what in my chart indicates why I literally feel like I am in a black hole, burning in hell.

And will it end? Will the suffering stop once my sun progresses to sagittarius? Can I hold out for that long even?

I'm not the kind of person to do this, to ask for help on the internet. But I have reached the breaking point and don't know what else to do.

Thanks in advance, sorry for the long drama and for cursing the world with my bad soul :[
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  #2  
Unread 12-24-2018, 09:44 AM
pabloes pabloes is offline
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Hey, hello, I wish I could help you more but I have only a few minutes with Christmass and all. I do know how you feel. Maybe you have heavy transits? They can last from a few months to 2-3 years. You can check your daily horoscope at Astro.com and after it they list the short- and long-term transits. Check for any Chiron, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus transits to one another or to personal planets.

Last edited by pabloes; 12-24-2018 at 09:48 AM.
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  #3  
Unread 12-24-2018, 11:32 AM
GemwDepth GemwDepth is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Hey Tryalchemy,

I redid your chart with transits and a much bigger size so other experts can easily comment.



Transit wise, it looks to me Saturn and Pluto are causing havoc here. Suffering is usually always some combination of those two, Pluto being the slower moving planet, moving about 2į-3į per year. We’ll tackle the faster moving planet Saturn first.

Transit Saturn is at 10 Capricorn, exactly squaring your Moon (sense of security, home, emotions, rootedness), so you are feeling the most depressed, negative pangs of emotions now. But it will subside very soon, in about the end of January 2019, most the emotions will die down. The hardest part will have passed.

Transit Pluto is exactly on your DC right now, making a T square with your identity and sense of joy, and no doubt drudging up those deep, partnership pangs.

I will say it will become a bit improved when Pluto gets to about 23 degrees (about April 2019), as it makes a positive aspect with your natal Uranus. But it will be retrograding back and forth for a bit, so your focus on partnership, identity and happiness will continue to be an issue. But you won’t be dealing with the severe, Saturn depression from above.

Pluto is transiting your 7th, its transforming your altitude about close relationships, partnerships and love, and for a reason. The process, depending on aspects, can be torture. But there’s always a reason for it, and the thing is, you will not understand the entire picture until its all over. Years down the line. And Hindsight is 20/20.

Thing will get much better for you when Pluto gets to Aquarius, and from then on, it will be an upward trajectory. You would have learned and purged all the lessons from before, and be set on a new, amazing course. In life, some people are early (to mid) bloomers, and others are just later ones. The later bloomers may be more rewarding, as you have already worked out your core issues to set yourself up for success in the future. Just think, how many people break down later in mid-life, and how many early up-starts and potentials quickly frizzles out?

You are dealing with the hardest, most difficult part at this moment, with both planets causing havoc, and the double-hit will soon pass, leaving only Pluto. As you are dealing with the most difficult days ahead, remember “This too shall pass,” from King Solomon.

I’ll let others look into progressions and what you should be working on, and develop within yourself.

Last edited by GemwDepth; 12-24-2018 at 02:22 PM.
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  #4  
Unread 12-24-2018, 11:45 AM
LunaNeptuna LunaNeptuna is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Hello, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of that, it doesn't sound easy. I think it may be related to Pluto entering your 7th house and thus, making an opposition to your ascendant. Don't worry, I think that, if all these people have left, it's because they no longer serve you. Pluto transiting your 7th house, if chanelled properly, may bring a very deep relationship but be careful with jealousy, possessiveness etc. Also, take into consideration that; Saturn is in Capricorn (10 degrees) so it's squaring your moon which is found in the 4th house. Your emotions are being "thoughen up". I understand you to some extent, because I have moon in Capricorn in 4th-5th house and Pluto is conjunct my moon currently (my moon is also conjunct Neptune) and Saturn will soon conjunct my moon too, I am gonna have to ride or die lol.
I don't know what your beliefs are, but I believe that we must go through these things to know what it is like to be in hell before we reach heaven. Everybody goes through hell eventually, I can assure you that. This kind of transits teach us to be more empathetic (on a deeper level).


"No tree can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell"
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  #5  
Unread 12-24-2018, 04:49 PM
Tryalchemy Tryalchemy is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Thank you guys for the replies!!

I see for the different transits, sometimes I feel them short time and then others longer. I try also different techniques, like one where you put your solar return and then the mundane current day chart on the outside and see what planets or angles your solar return planets/angles are hitting and it does seem to show awful things, such as Mercury falling into the SR 12th house (my ex suddenly has only been texting me every 2 weeks, which started exactly when the mundane Mercury, also retrograde, was on the cusp of the 11th/12th. Now that Mercury went retrograde, I am seeing the same thing repeat again but then again I could be reading it entirely wrong. I've read so many books, so much information, it all begins to confuse me. Also by doing that method, I see right now the Mundane sun is conjunct the SR saturn, which maybe shows also why I am working and getting nowhere and no recognition for anything i've done.

GemwDepth: Whoa, thank you for explaining everything and looking at my transits and taking the time to do all that! I appreciate that so much. I know the pluto one is bad, do you think that is why everyone has just left my life? My best friend, I never would have thought. We never had problems ever. We never even fought. In draconic we have sun conjunct moon, even. I know he is from my past life because I knew him when I first met him and I knew that he enjoyed chocolate with nuts, that type of closeness from another time. And I didn't even believe in past lives at the time, I just knew it as a fact, upon first seeing him I simply pointed at him and said "you are a leo, you like this chocolate with nuts, it's your favorite" and I reach in my purse to find him a chocolate. Nobody knew how I knew that, and I don't know how I knew it. But it doesn't sit well with me because we didn't just drift apart mutually. It was like he woke up and decided he hated me. Or his girlfriend harassed him so much about our friendship that he had to choose. And I can't understand it, or even begin to organize my feelings about it, he showed up at my house to get his birthday gifts and announced he was not getting me anything because he wasn't going to make time to see me anymore? Does this really even happen to people? This is the kind of s*** that happens to me all the time. Like the cruelest type of things that people don't even believe when I tell them that someone would do it. Especially because I am the type who gives my soul when I become close to someone.

I understand when a friendship ends, due to disagreements, or someone moving away, or having kids when I do not because I understand someone would want someone to talk to about parenting and share stories, or when two people become too different and cannot relate anymore. Or someone does something unforgivable, and cannot forgive. These things are difficult, but I would not mourn the way I have been mourning over the loss. Because it would have an explanation.

I actually started dating my (now ex) when Pluto was almost conjunct my DC, in Jan 2016. I don't know if this means he will stay in my life or leave, but he has been in my life since then, even after we broke up, and we have ridiculous karmic baggage from many lifetimes I am certain. He has only recently been acting strange, and has been getting further away, which is made more difficult due to another girl involved with him, which I already know won't last because I am psycho and spent 3 months figuring out her birth information to do her chart lol. How Mercury conjunct Venus and Pluto of me.

Before him, I had always been the type who would not put my ego down for anyone. By nature I am extremely masculine and my strongest planet is Mars. It's also my downfall. If someone left i'd never speak to them again, I could not see my own faults or what I did wrong. He is the first person who ever made me step back and see what I did wrong and why I had to change it. I behaved emotionally out of control with him, would threaten, say the worst possible things to hurt him, would basically fly off the handle at any given moment. Would chase him around in a violent rage.

I have since learned how to deal with my emotions and not antagonize people due to my feelings. I don't say mean things anymore. I would have never quit my job or stopped going to a certain place for anyone, but I quit my job for him, to give him peace. He had a higher up position then me and I wanted him to be successful in business. I felt it was the right thing to do. I knew i'd tarnish his image by staying, because I could not keep it professional. I would argue with him in front of clients, I just couldn't stop myself. I can't see him as a manager when I am romantically involved with him. Knowing that was something deeply imbedded in my personality, that I couldn't change, I made the only decision I could and left.

I can see how that would be Pluto on the DC and how i've completely changed how I am in relationships. I've never cared this much in my life. I've never even wanted to be close to someone in this way. I never could even imagine being married to anyone, horrified of them being there 24/7.

I get how all these changes can be seen as good, but I feel like every time i make the most mature and highly evolved decision, the greatest sacrifice, the most considerate and selfless choice, it only worsens my situation. I feel the more I follow my intuition the further in the tunnel I am and now i'm just kind of waiting for the train to come out of nowhere. And I won't even run, it can flatten me, I am too tired.

It is like I cannot get a break from life. Everyone else is easily forgiven, but i'm punished to the fullest extent. I have done the work, i'm not a lazy person wanting things to flourish while I put no effort and do nothing to earn it. I really have done everything that Saturn would require me to do. I just want the gift, I feel like I have earned it. I have done my time. I have paid my debt. It's like a reoccurring charge that you cannot get removed from your credit card, no matter how many times you call the company and dispute it. It's like life fraud, I swear.

Saturn would also be squaring my Mars then, along with the moon. I guess that is why I feel like I am going to become a killer at any second. I feel something violent boiling inside of me. Isn't it Saturn and Mars in aspect when most massacres occur? I think I read that somewhere.

But what about when Saturn gets to my DC, isn't that going to be the same sorrow, suffering, loss, all over again?

The weird thing is, my ex is a Capricorn, with 5 planets in Capricorn and strong Venus and Saturn, and we got together exactly when I started my Saturn return. I wonder if Saturn reaching my DC would be when we get back together. Or perhaps I am just being delusional with my Neptune. I really do fear I am insane and delusional and I am going off the deep end.

You said the end of January will be less difficult, I also saw that around January 18th things will begin to get better, and did 40+ pages of hand calculations with progressions, midpoints, minor progressions, etc; between my ex and I, and it looked to be promising but I feel I am missing something, and that there is some kind of aspect that is going to oppose anything that looked somewhat promising.

I looked at the Lunar eclipse even, the one coming up in January 2019, and I am frightened by it. I don't know what it might bring. The last eclipse we had in January 2018 was somewhat pleasant for me, and changes did occur, but they were only good for a few months.

I think I have done so many charts that I have confused myself and I am missing the bigger picture.

I feel I am waiting like a dog waiting for its owner(who died) to return home. And the dog is certain the owner will be coming home shortly. And the dog eventually starves to death.

I am too much like Charles Bukowski.
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  #6  
Unread 12-25-2018, 02:07 PM
GemwDepth GemwDepth is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryalchemy View Post
And I can't understand it, or even begin to organize my feelings about it, he showed up at my house to get his birthday gifts and announced he was not getting me anything because he wasn't going to make time to see me anymore? Does this really even happen to people? This is the kind of s*** that happens to me all the time. Like the cruelest type of things that people don't even believe when I tell them that someone would do it. Especially because I am the type who gives my soul when I become close to someone.
I’ve seen this happen a lot. In my own friendship groups, the 20s is where both straight male and females can coexist, well. But usually when an girlfriend or wife enters the picture from 28-35, the dynamic changes 180 degrees. It always seem to be disillusioning to the one more idealistic, but this is the reality. Although there will always be exceptions, the majority of close, straight male/female friendships seem to end due to complications with the spouse/partner.

I also suggest to transform (this word gets overused), your criteria for friends. Perhaps you need and want people who have the same, loyal values, as you do. This Leo guy seems extremely self-centered, and I believe you can do better at the end of the day.

The problem, and I’ve also seen this over and over again, with Venus Scorpionic women, is that rational analysis can go out the window when their passionate feelings / occult intuitions gets involved. At the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter what ‘past life stuff’ you believe has transpired, and it doesn’t matter what you may ‘feel’ at your end, the only thing that matters is if that person is worth your time and investment. And if they are not batting at the same level as you’ll go to bat for them, then they don’t belong in you close circle. And you should reexamine your value system in selecting worthy people to match your values.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryalchemy View Post
I behaved emotionally out of control with him, would threaten, say the worst possible things to hurt him, would basically fly off the handle at any given moment. Would chase him around in a violent rage. ….I have since learned how to deal with my emotions and not antagonize people due to my feelings. I don't say mean things anymore. I would have never quit my job or stopped going to a certain place for anyone, but I quit my job for him, to give him peace. He had a higher up position then me and I wanted him to be successful in business. I felt it was the right thing to do. I knew i'd tarnish his image by staying, because I could not keep it professional. I would argue with him in front of clients, I just couldn't stop myself. I can't see him as a manager when I am romantically involved with him. Knowing that was something deeply imbedded in my personality, that I couldn't change, I made the only decision I could and left.
This is indeed a problem, but I am no one to judge. I recommend you find a way to channel those energies, which isn’t the same way as controlling or inhibiting them. Also, if this was how you may have behaved with the Leo guy, he may have felt exhausted and had to leave to go in his own direction.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryalchemy View Post
But what about when Saturn gets to my DC, isn't that going to be the same sorrow, suffering, loss, all over again?
In my personal experience, Saturn acts as a closing-the-loop effect for the wounds Pluto inflicts, more of a way to maturity than anything else. The Saturn-Moon, exact, affliction is what’s causing your depression now, as its the deepest part of you. About January 10th, 2020, there is a Saturn Pluto conjunction around 22 Cap, right pass your DSC. I won’t lie to you, there will be a loss of sorts. But if you survive that, then its smoother sailing because Jupiter is catching up right behind it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryalchemy View Post
You said the end of January will be less difficult, I also saw that around January 18th things will begin to get better, and did 40+ pages of hand calculations with progressions, midpoints, minor progressions, etc; between my ex and I, and it looked to be promising but I feel I am missing something, and that there is some kind of aspect that is going to oppose anything that looked somewhat promising.
I think you are trying too hard to control what is uncontrollable, this might be part of the problem. If studying astrology only leads to anxiety and paranoia, then what is the point in the first place? One cannot predict exactly what will happen, only a general trend, and multitude of evidences supporting the trend.

The best advice I can think of is to learn mindset techniques, look into meditation and mindfulness. Generally by working on controlling yourself internally instead, its really the only thing we can control during times of duress.

I am sorry and I don’t mean to be rude, but you typed a lot and my time is limited.

Let’s give a chance to others to comment on what they see, as there are so many ways and levels to interpret a chart.

Last edited by GemwDepth; 12-25-2018 at 03:36 PM.
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Unread 12-25-2018, 02:59 PM
bakalhau69 bakalhau69 is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Hello , this isnīt probably the answer you asked but the one you and most people need. I like astrology because it helped me realize who i am ,but people shouldnīt use it to to justify their angers , misfortune and pathīs and wait for miracles to happen if they donīt move themselves .
Things only " hurt" if you resist to accept it.

If you believe in your intuition, and it brought you to this point itīs because you need it. Your soul is craving something that you are not seeing, or accepting.
One thing about spiritual people is that they dream and ilude themselves to extreme.
Yes, they ilude themselves because they put a burden in others to fulfill their idealization of the world.

I understand that it is hard for some realities to colapse but you need to interiorize in your mind and soul that everyone has a different agenda in their lifes. Their pain , grief , education ...has led them to where they are in life. Emotions , running away from reality or Ego issues can make people choose the weirdest pathīs in their lifes. This happens because they refuse to accept certain realities.

People need to love eachother , but themselves first and know that everyone will do something stupid that will not go accordingly to someone elseīs needs.

The secret here is acceptance of life itself. We only suffer because we choose to do so. If you are unhappy itīs because you are resisting something inside yourself or you need change but not avoidance.

Isolate yourself for a moment and ask who you are. People tend to sponge otherīs emotions for a long time and that can influence your well being.

Obstacles will come always for your soul to grow , but pain only happens if you let it.

Have you ever heard , seen , experienced the law of attraction?
I cannot express this enough!!! Your mind , well being is the key! Confront your fears , accept them , look inside!!! When you do something called Self Love , Unconditional Love will shine through and attract all the love you need. Believe me! Love yourself first and then you can help others , not the other way around.
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  #8  
Unread 12-27-2018, 04:38 AM
GemwDepth GemwDepth is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Bump so experts can take a look!
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  #9  
Unread 12-27-2018, 10:03 AM
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Gemini888 Gemini888 is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

When did you start to feel that way? I want to know so that I can determine whether this is a bad transist or something that is already inside you, because I can kind of see some... things that potentially point to depression in your chart.



A lot of what you posted scream "depression" to me. I kind of disagree with Gemw about trying to change yourself, because I suspect that your mind is now too clouded to go change yourself. I'm not an expert, but from what I can gather, depressed people tend to either interpret everything in the worst way possible or put themselves in situations that reflect their belief without knowing it. And they become possessive because they can't stand the feeling of being alone. I can understand why you feel so upset by the actions of your boyfriends and your friends and I'm not calling you out for being possessive here, that's just how depression works.



And I have to agree with your friends on changing antidepressants. There are 4 types of antidepressants, each are divided into small sub-categories. If the ones you are taking don't work for you, then try another. If the therapist/consellor you are working with doesn't help, change to another one. You can even opt to ECT, it has progressed a lot since its invention. Depression is a very "individualistic" affliction and no depressed person is the same. A therapist may work great with one person and work horribly with another. And you being a consellor doesn't mean you fully know what to do. That's the thing with depression, it leaves everyone hopeless and it doesn't care who.


In short, I'm saying that you should take at least some responsibility to improve your depression. Your 4H stellium and Libra placements are passive and only want people to sort things out for them. But depression is a disorder of the mind, which means that no matter how much help you are receiving, you can never bring yourself out of your darkness if you refuse to lift yourself up in the first place.


I'm sorry if I hit a nerve in the process. When it comes to depression, I just don't want to sugarcoat too much or become too fatalistic. I just want you to understand what exactly you are dealing with.
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Unread 12-27-2018, 09:57 PM
Tryalchemy Tryalchemy is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

GemwDepth Yeah, I understand why it would be a problem but I can't seem to empathize or agree with having to abandon friendships just because they aren't of the same sex. Maybe i'm just way too laid back, i've never been jealous or had a problem with my boyfriends being friends with girls. It's not okay to tell the person you love to make a choice, unless something actually happened that created a situation in which someone was being unfaithful. Otherwise it's like, dude, trust the person your with. Cause i'd never let anyone tell me who I can and cannot talk to. Anyway, I expect whoever i'm dating to have boundaries and know when to draw the line.

The problem for me is, i'm way more like a dude, and I really only get along with guys, i'm not really into what girls are into for the most part. Most girls I do vibe with are more like dudes haha. I like being able to play music with my dude friends and just kick it.

What makes me the most "WTF" about the situation with my Leo friend, is that from the start I would always send her gifts along with his, i'd make them matching keychains and bracelets and stuff, like I was always legit and never sketchy at all. I even went out and took my own time and money to make her some expensive vintage gemstone jewelry that he said she liked, just to be nice. I didn't want her to think that I was some snake in the picture. He never was selfish until a few years ago, now he only cares about making money and working.

But yeah, he and I never fought. We were like the same person.

Yeah, I dunno, I never really believed in intuition or anything like that before. I never even believed in love or faith and I didn't think it was possible to even have passion for someone for more then a month. It's weird. Definitely something different here.

That's sort of scary about the Saturn-Pluto coming up. You mean loss like, relationship-wise or loss as in someone is gonna die?

I've never heard about that, I only heard that the conjunction means major chaos comes to the surface and it creates brutality and whatnot. So is Saturn-Pluto conjunction always followed by a loss, or only when on the angles?

Thanks for your reply!


bakalhau69 Nah, I think i'm awesome. I'm just way too caring about other people. It's how I was raised I guess. But yeah, I think I was probably someone horrid in my past life.

Gemini888Ah, yes well, I had an emotional breakdown about June 3, 2016. I don't remember much, man, I literally went insane. It lasted about two weeks. I got a bit better after that but then it hit again around Jan 4, 2017 and I ended up putting in my 2 weeks notice around that time. The dull, generalized depression has remained since that time, but this last month it has been intensified and similar to what I experienced back in Jan, 2017. Yeah it's crazy I saw that having Chiron in the 12th makes people more likely to commit suicide, and then Moon-Mars conjunction is also way up there for suicidal tendencies. Then having all the planets in the bottom of the chart is pretty much like, being born in hell lol, like I literally am living what people refer to as that whole "dark night of soul" or whatever. It's like i'm at the bottom of the ocean and even the Goblin fish don't come near me. I also concluded that my sun opposite jupiter must mean overall misfortune. Venus-Pluto-Mercury, thinking too much about deep, depressing things pertaining to love. Overthinking to the point of insanity. Obsessive thoughts, depressive thoughts, self sabotage and holding myself prisoner in my own psychological dysfunction. Being unpredictably explosive or sudden extremes of sadness, etc; Neptune square moon, mars, nodes- drug problems, addiction problems for sure.

I've always had generalized depression, like since I was 7 I can remember. OCD too. I've been on so many medications, for a while my doctor was convinced I was bipolar but all the bipolar meds made me act like a meth head. I've been on Effexor XR and Adderall XR for the last 10 years or so and it seems to be the only one that has a decent effect on my depression. I believe it's due to an imbalance of dopamine and serotonin, at a ratio of 2:1; currently there are no drugs in America that treat people who are suffering from a larger dopamine depletion, they're mostly targeting the serotonin and using boosters to up-regulate the dopamine. There are a few (and some combinations) that do work to treat this, but nothing yet that primarily targets dopamine (first) and serotonin second, at that 2:1 ratio. I think this is why many of us still suffer from debilitating depression. I've not much problem with Norepinephrine levels, but by trial and error, Adderall seems to work for Norepinephrine imbalance (which is actually quite rare, yet so widely blamed haha) and those with major dopamine imbalance. My Mercury-Pluto has done much research lol. I originally went to school to become a psychiatrist but never finished, I couldn't stand going to class and being taught, i'm really weird, like I have my own way of studying and learning and could never jive with the institutional setting. But I spend hours on pubmed researching and going over statistics haha. I'm insane. When i'm not silently dying and cursing the universe I am actually quite logical and process large amounts of information like a machine.

I guess I just feel like, technology has ruined everyone. People are on their phones 24/7 but they can't text back or return a call. Like they'd rather just live on their screen then play it out in real life. It's weird. Maybe i'm too old fashioned.
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Unread 12-27-2018, 10:19 PM
GemwDepth GemwDepth is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryalchemy View Post
That's sort of scary about the Saturn-Pluto coming up. You mean loss like, relationship-wise or loss as in someone is gonna die?

I've never heard about that, I only heard that the conjunction means major chaos comes to the surface and it creates brutality and whatnot. So is Saturn-Pluto conjunction always followed by a loss, or only when on the angles?

Thanks for your reply!
Well its gonna have an effect on pretty much everyone, but given its on your DC and in the 7th, I anticipate the loss in your life will be related to close relationships. I tend to subscribe to a succinct summarization of planetary energies, rather than a drawn out description. But, I do respect those who writes a lot about all possible scenarios and calculations.

Last edited by GemwDepth; 12-27-2018 at 10:59 PM.
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  #12  
Unread 12-28-2018, 02:58 AM
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

On the upside, without technology, we wouldn't be able to talk together like this. You wouldn't even know astrology exists


There are a lot of things that particularly stand out in your chart. And so far what you posted highlighted all of them. You have a stellium in 4H and a lot of Libra placements there. You give me the impression of someone whose emotional security is of the utmost important, and who would want to maintain it by going out and socializing. You are so devoted to other people because you know they will give you emotional security, their existence will make you feel nutured. You put a lot of emphasis on your social life. And when it doesn't live up to your expectation, you get upset.



Aries MC and Cancer Asc strike me as someone who spends their life reacting to things. When something happens, you just have to react to it to regain balance. If you aren't careful, you can easily be dragged into an endless whirpool by whatever life throws to you.


5H Venus wants relationship to be a big big party. When you are in love, you want it to be the best experience ever, with all the romance, parade, big words... I kind of suspect that your ex didn't want things to be that way (Capricorn). He might prefer things to be simpler and more private, and it clashed with your need.



4H planets have a bad habit of mulling over past stuff. And Libra basically exists on other people's opinion, when it operates unconsciously. I don't mean anything, but it seems that you are trying too hard to win people so that you can cummulate a stress-free relationship to satisfy your inner security.


You have a fan chart with Jupiter as the focal point. Jupiter wants to find the truth about the world, the why of everything. But it's in Aries. Aries is a highly extreme sign. In Jupiter, it's become an idealistic fireball. It operates with this motto in mind: "I will find the truth that satisfies my vision of the world and if I can't I will throw a temper tantrum until it comes out". I guess this is the source of your depression. You are a frustrated idealist who is angry at everything because your ideals have either been shattered or never existed in the first place. Coupled with the passive 4H placements, you secretly wish that someone would come and somehow give you all the ideals you hope for.


I think your lesson lies in your NN and your Jupiter. They are calling for you to take responsibility on your own life. Aries NN wants to be independent and do its own things regardless of what people think, and Jupiter, once it finally comes to term with the fact that not everything it envisions is true, can take on an indestructible sense of optimism to expand its possibility. Aries is related to the sense of self, so when your Jupiter is tame, you will gain a profound sense of self and you will no longer need validation to exist. I can see that the sense of self and the desire to control your life are already somewhere inside you, from the way you learn your stuff independent from school. I'm not saying that you should abandon your 4H and Libra altogether. They are a great partner/friend/caregiver. But if you don't learn to tame them, their good quality will turn into a self-serving desire that masquerates itself as a benevolent force.


In short, you should learn to take control of your own life instead of depending on others. Currently, you are displaying the dark side of 4H/Libra. You are caring but you also want to be cared back. That leaves you utterly dependent on other people's unpredictable movement and that's a shitty way to live. Please take more responsibility to yourself. Ask yourself some basic questions like "what do I like?" "what makes me comfortable?" and let your real self answer.


I'm not saying that you should stop depression treatment. Depression is a clinical disorder and needs professional help. But in order to achieve success, you too have to take some responsibility to change your own mindset for the better, or else it won't work as expected.


Please don't give up. Aries MC is a strong placement for self-esteem and the will to live. I know deep down your fire is burning. Please let it burn for the good.
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  #13  
Unread 12-29-2018, 04:22 PM
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

I donít think you are going to find what you seek in your chart. You may find why you tend toward this way of thinking in general or right now but not how to move past it. What I see in what youíve written is that you blame your feelings on things external to you because you have expectations of being rewarded for work, noticed for sacrificing, paid back for being a good friend. If you do things with the expectation of getting something back you will always be disappointed.

Obviously there are people trapped in truly insurmountable circumstances by external forces like being born in a war zone or extreme poverty or abuse but most of us deal with traps of our own making. At some point you must make the decision to stop worrying about the things you canít control, like your friend who felt he couldnít be your friend and his girlfriendís boyfriend at the same time. Itís unfortunate and perhaps he will regret it but he isnít responsible for keeping you afloat emotionally . Thatís a terrible burden to bear for another person.

What advice would you give one of your patients/clients who came to you with similar complaints? You are just as worthy of that care and advice as they are.

Iíve been where you are. The only thing that is constant is change. In this case that is a very good thing! Good luck and namaste.
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Unread 01-01-2019, 10:05 PM
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Recent years have brought many difficult transits as others here have pointed out .And now Uranus is opposed your Sun. Here is an excerpt from Rob hand's Planets in transit about Uranus opposite Sun.


" " a sudden challenge in the outer world forces you to take more responsibility for your life...sudden events concerning men or your employer.. ..sudden changes in your relationship.... Surpressed energies from..... lie behind the manifestation of this transit... with the opposition you will probably feel that these events are happening to you rather than that you are doing them..."


It sounds to me that you are living in your S.Node and ignoring the evolutionary call of the N.node. S.Node is what we mastered in previous lifetimes or a lesson or debt paid. Yours in Libra with Mars and the Moon screams I want to be with someone, all cozy and pleasant here at home- I want to feel safe. But the s.Node is a comfort zone and thus we tend to fall back on it when stressed or just out of habit. Although you will always feel the need for companionship and closeness, the N.Node is in Aries a sign that often demands that we go it alone, strike out on a new, uncharted path or just assert our individuality and personal will and creativity.


With Cancer rising and Moon in Libra and that Mars square Neptune, your Martian side is very challenged. You don't like conflict and are too much of a pleaser. This pattern often makes for relationships that do not work because your repressed will leaks out as passive -aggressive energy or resentments build up and then you become overtly angry? Is this a pattern for you? I suspect you do this.

N.Node is the indicator of the lesson your soul needs to learn in this lifetime in order to advance spiritually and to get the best potential from everything else in your chart. You say you "don't care for money, status etc" but that NNode sitting in your MC says you need to care. You need to develop the ability to have some power in the material world and command a position and a salary that will give you strength and independence.


The N.Node challenge is always very difficult as it seems so foreign and uncomfortable. I think this is where you are stuck. Most of us struggle with our N.Node mandate until middle age so you are not so unusual. Most people aren't even aware of this until middle age if at all. It's not that we have to completely let go of our S.Node desires - often we have real talents indicated by the S.Node and we can use them to survive when needed.

I know this is not what you want to hear but I believe it's your best shot and overcoming the difficult aspects in your chart. As for the change of progressed Sun to Sagittarius- yes that is soon to happen but usually people feel the change a year or more before it actually changes. They feel the desire or need for different attitude. Hopefully that change will assist you in feeling more adventurous.


You have quite a few difficult things in your chart. Mars is weak in Libra and Mars square Neptune adds to the difficulty in making your what you will manifest. Venus is not good in Scorpio. The ruler of the chart is the Moon conjunct that difficult Mars.
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Unread 01-01-2019, 11:11 PM
Tryalchemy Tryalchemy is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

kshantaram Yes, all of this is exactly true of me. Especially about the impulsive behavior, emotions, agression, separation, etc; Thank you for also providing remedies! Current remedy- feeding the crows, maybe appease Saturn, gladden Saturn. I become friends with all the crows, everyday, I prepare the lunch for them, bake special bread, special dish serve fresh water and they delight in my presence! You think it is helpful to keep strong hope? What else I can offer to Saturn for blessing/forgiveness? Saturn 7th, my partner dominant Saturn, also a Capricorn. I am moon, this is correct? Natal promise is for marriage but later in life, no children, Saturn deny children, marry to much younger or much older partner (he is 7 years younger)? Thank you for your help! I try to study this, with the rulerships, I find it very true and explaining my misfortune. Thank you so much!



Witchyone Thank you for your reply! I think maybe there is misunderstanding in what I write, maybe the Chiron in Gemini 12th. I am just seeking to know why is bad right now, and when the good comes. Maybe hard to understand because I write and having so much emotion, so angry, but never blame others, blame myself, the birth time, very bad chart, much misfortune and born in the bad degrees. I take responsibility, I know I am the bad one, born bad with the emotions too heavy and too much anger. I apologize and work to redeem for what I do wrong. I get frustrated I feel Saturn does not forgive me, because the harder I work the more suffering comes, and as human I get to the point where I do not know anymore what to do. I am more happy in presence of other people. I feel life meant to be shared, not spend alone, happiness comes in joining of the souls. This society does not believe in this, I understand. We are suppose to only focus on the self and be happy alone forever. But I am not that way, never have been, and do not wish to be, because I do not believe in my gut that it should be that way, and so I cannot practice what I do not feel. I would like just to have the shared presence of those who I care for and sacrifice a lot for. I do not want anything, just them to be here, to visit me, to spend time. I do not demand anything from people, but it is because I am trying to learn to allow things, instead of force. I don't know if I make sense, maybe I come off sounding like dependent on others but no, just make me feel fulfilled and glad to be part of group, to belong, very important and makes my heart whole.



Gemini888
Well, I actually get bored quickly, and in my more stable and ďcomfortableĒ relationships, I just couldnít enjoy having someone there all the time and not having a bit of uncertainty. When I was younger I had a lot more Libra traits so to speak. Now I donít identify with anything about Libra except the seeking of balance and the love for relationships and romance. I believe it is all due to the progressed placements being in Scorpio and 5th house. More then anything, I am the epitome of Mars, Pluto and Moon, almost all Aries and Scorpio traits are what resonate with me and even when trying to hide it, they end up being very obvious to other people as well, especially when it comes to romance and dating. I donít like socializing unless itís with only one other person at a time because I need one on one intimacy and deep conversation. I canít do anything shallow, canít just laugh and have fun with a group, not my thing. I am not at all interested in going out to go out, or talking to just anyone. I guess I am extremely stuck up in that way, really choosey with who I talk to and want to invest time in. Once I get to know someone and actually feel they are someone I want to get close to, then I like going on adventures and hiking to weird places and creating art or music with that person. I am a mixture of Aries and Scorpio when I get angry. Iíll either quietly seek revenge and wait for the right moment to do it or attempt to manipulate the situation in my favor or iíll straight up openly attack them and burn the bridges. I never hold back what I want to say. It is to my detriment, I know this. But I am the last person to be able to lie or keep the peace or be quiet just to make someone happy. I say it how it is, iím blunt and brutally honest and people close to me know that. Iím not mean, iím just honest. I never say anything bad about someone unless I have no problem saying it to their face. I feel like people are threatened and think youíre attacking them if you donít agree on everything or if you confront something other people normally wouldnít confront. But itís like, we canít always agree, everyone is different. Iíd rather confront things so we can tackle it head on and move forward. Iím not doing it to start a war. Iím not even disrespectful or rude about it. I used to respond first with anger but iíve learned to bite my tongue until I have some time to make sense of what iím angry about instead of reacting on instinct alone. This has been the hardest thing for me to accomplish. Iím just so instinct based, itís like second nature to respond without even thinking of what iím doing. But now i make conscious effort to be aware at the very second I am angry and I know at that point iíve got to withhold whatever I want to do or say and remove myself from the situation so I can sort out my feelings and decide whether theyíre justified and how to go about confronting the issue. But yeah, the confrontation does need to happen, regardless of whether or not people find it uncomfortable. Iím not down with just leaving things unsaid and not knowing exactly what is going on. I guess the only way to describe me is fire. But when given the chance, I can get someone lit on words alone; itís easy to ignite when youíre used to being in the dark. I follow through with everything I say. I never break a promise. I donít say things I donít mean. I keep my word 170%, Once I trust someone enough to consider them a friend and want to be close to them, iíll have their back and take a bullet for them. My ex has all the Libra traits that I donít. Like seriously, his motto is ďpeace at all costsĒ. Haha I could never do that. Iím like the least peaceful person ever. Iím crazy intense, passionate, extreme, never undecided, never in the middle, never not knowing. If I donít know, then it doesnít mean s*** to me. I know what I want, and I will do whatever it takes to get it. I donít care how long or how much work it takes, I will do it, and I wonít give up until I get it. Failure is not an option. Once someone does me wrong, iím done forever. Iím patient and pretty forgiving, but if you betray me, or donít have my back, or lie to me, I will never ever trust you again and cut you off. Also anyone who belittles me or talks down to me, thatís the quickest way to get on my bad side. I donít allow anyone to talk to me with disrespect. Thatís probably my number one thing- respect. I could be your dream come true or worse nightmare- it all depends on how real you are and if you can handle me exposing who you really are. Most people canít, because theyíre coward, and donít want to know who they really are, and donít want to do any kind of self reflection to find out. Iím the person who makes you do that, so iím not for the weak. I donít want to know anyoneís favorite color or how their day is going. I want to know who they are. In the soul, in the core of their being. And iím not gonna walk away if itís ugly or bad, because we all got that, we all got the good with the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, but the only time I walk away is when someone keeps trying to hide the ugly and bad. I appreciate the darkness, the things that people donít like to talk about, that people try to forget- those are the things I want to know about someone. Those are the things I can love- the complete person- the joining of two parts- the light and the dark. Iím not interested in knowing about the light fruity things someone shows to everyone. I want to know the deep hidden parts. I wanna discover. I wanna make moments where we vibe on the same wavelength to the same song and itís so good you can feel the electricity in the air. The kind where nobody even has to say anything, itís that intense. Someone who hears the bass in the same way I hear it. These things are priceless.

See, iím pretty much all masculine energy, so I donít even like what girls typically like in relationships. With my ex, for the first time I was able to have the masculine role that feels most natural to me. His strongest planet is Venus, and heís extremely feminine, so itís an odd match that works in awesome ways. In the past, itíd always be me and whoever I was with fighting for that dominant role. I love being the one to take the guy out. I wonít even go out with a dude who asks me out, because itís such a turn off to me. I do the chasing. I want to chase. I want to pursue. I like to hunt. I will wait patiently until itís time to pounce. I will devour. I treat the person iím in love with like royalty. I donít want a guy to buy me diamonds, iím the one who buys the diamonds. I plan the dates, I lead. I like to be in control. I donít need anyone to take care of me, I take care of myself, I like being the one to take care of the guy. I tell my ex all the time, whatever you want, itís yours, all the diamonds, all the attention, all my heart, I will buy him a castle in the sky, and I will do it better and bigger then anyone else ever will. And I love him straight from my soul, all the way up to the highest point in the heavens down to the lowest trenches of hell, deeper then any person that has ever loved him and will ever love him in all his lifetimes combined. That is not an opinion, not a question, it is a promise and a never ending fact.

The past, man, the past haunts me. But I donít think itís a Libra thing- I think itís a Moon thing. I donít know anyone who is more haunted by the past then I am. I miss what hasnít even happened yet- itís that bad. Like as soon as something makes me feel alive- I start to miss it, because I know iím gonna remember that feeling, and I know itís going to be taken away, and itís like, I appreciate it so much. I am not one of those people who donít know what I have until itís gone. Iím like, treasuring it every second and counting my blessings. Wish it could stay though, nothing gold stays. But the memories, those will probably be what ends up killing me. Only memories of moments and the way they made me feel though. Itís the only way I can even write music. Like, when we were going uphill towards Santa Barbara and listening to The Range, one of the instrumental songs, and as the song climaxed we got to the top of the hill and like a curtain pulled back the ocean came into full view and I never felt in my life the way I felt then, like, that was the most valuable thing I may ever attain in my life, and I knew it then, the same as I do now, though isnít it strange how much we fight to get it back. Even if itís just 15 seconds. But should the day come that I am no longer afraid to hit the switch, I will see that moment last, the same as I saw it then, the same as I see it now. But itís that kind of thing, the moment that tells you exactly where you are supposed to be and everything makes sense like an orchestrated movement inside your heart and pieces of it become molecules that make up your sinew and spit. I die for it. I am dying for it. Again.

Sorry I canít continue writing this because I am starting to become overwhelmed with sadness. I should not have written about that moment. I hope the fire does not. Go. Out.
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  #16  
Unread 01-02-2019, 02:50 AM
thelivingsky thelivingsky is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

You say "The past, man, the past haunts me. But I donít think itís a Libra thing- I think itís a Moon thing. I donít know anyone who is more haunted by the past then I am. I miss what hasnít even happened yet- itís that bad. "



Yes it's a Moon thing. It's like you are a triple cancer or more. You are Moon ruled since you are Cancer rising. Then add to that the Moon falls in H4 a house that is associated with Cancer. Also you Sun is in H4.
Having any planet in H4 would be much like having that planet in Cancer.



It's too much Moon. It needs to be balanced, directed, disciplined. Too much of anything in a horoscope is a problem.



Cancer is very sensitive, instinctual, emotional. Cancer has a hard time letting go of anything - people, possessions, memories. Very sentimental and nostalgic. They get very attached very quickly. Relationships are extremely important.



Many of these these qualities are intensified by the Moon -Neptune aspect and the Moon's Node conjunct the Moon. Mars there keeps it stirred up. It's a difficult configuration.



Sometimes this heavy Moon/Neptune involvement can make one a psychic sponge - so perhaps much of your sadness happens because you are picking up on others negative feeling states and what is floating in the collective unconscious. But this type of clairsentience/clairavoyance can be a gift. If you suspect hat you have this gift, you can learn from others who have same who have learned to live with it, harness it, shut it off when they need to.
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Unread 01-02-2019, 05:18 PM
Tryalchemy Tryalchemy is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

thelivingsky Sorry I missed your other reply! I just see it now. I feel like I am more like the North node just because of all the Mars problems i've always had. Like, just doing what I want and forcing it into motion regardless of what anyone else wants. I literally have to stop and watch videos on how to not force your will and objectives upon people. I don't even notice i'm doing it. It's probably Pluto and Mars though, because a big psychological part of it is the intense need to control, and obviously I remain in control when I am able to force things in the way I want them to go. When I have no say in what happens, that's when I either react emotionally or violently. At that point I go into hiding until I come up with a plan that will let me gain control again. I can't just let s*** unfold the way it should. I determine what happens. Figured out a few years ago it has to do with the subconscious feeling of losing control and/or not having the control I may have once had. Which makes me obviously feel like everything is on fire before my eyes, like I literally go insane when I feel myself not having control of a situation. That's when I usually burn bridges so bad, all the construction in the world couldn't rebuild em. I had to paint this quote on my dresser so I can see it when i'm starting to flip out, it says "right now is not forever. circumstances can change." I have to like repeat that in order to not do something i'll regret.

The Neptune aspects, yeah it's really weird like I don't know if i'd call it "psychic" but i'll randomly just have a thought come into my head and it's usually always true. There doesn't have to be anything that confirms the belief, it just comes into my head and I can't shake it, and everyone thinks i'm being dramatic and paranoid but it always ends up being true. I remember when I first had a breakdown and I was just repeating in my head what am I going to do and I heard in my head "the occult". It was like from somewhere else, I don't know how to explain it. It wasn't my own thoughts coming up with it. This happens often though, the knowing of odd things.

There was a baby crow at my house and immediately I knew it was going to die, I just had a horrid feeling come over me, and my dad and ex were totally baffled and told me it's just being a baby bird but I knew, and of course I got hysterical because I got attached to it within 5 seconds. It did end up dying, the next day.

I was paranoid for 3 months and would call my ex on the weekend if I didn't hear from him because I felt he was going to get into a car accident. He thought I was just getting old or something and worrying like a mother, but I was convinced, and I told him he needs to pay attention to the drivers next to him because it is going to be a man who isn't paying attention on the cell phone that hits him on the freeway. And sure enough, one of those weekends he got into a car accident on the freeway because of a man on the phone not paying attention who swerved all the way into his lane and totaled his car completely.

People cannot lie to me because I always know. Every single time. But it is a burden because I have to deal with intense anxiety of knowing something before it happens and not knowing when it will happen so i'm walking around worried 24/7 and I wish I just didn't know anything. And there's no point in it anyway, since nobody listens when I try to tell them something. And knowing something ahead of time doesn't change it, so I have to deal with that loss of control when i'm already dealing with my control issues.

I have that asteroid Pythia conjunct my DC exactly. Maybe that also has something to do with it. I am not one of those people who believe things easily, like I need consistent solid evidence to believe things. I have to verify it with my own research and analysis and literally do stats on it. I don't want to be walking about in a total imagined state. I worry because I do not want to become delusional. I have a hard time trusting my intuition when all signs point to no. Or when things take longer then expected. Then I am certain i'm just an idiot who imagined all of it. Maybe I am. If the universe could prove to me that i'm not then i'll do whatever it wants me to do. I just need it to manifest. Naturally. I need it to become solid. Fact. They say having true faith is to believe when all odds are against you and you have no evidence or facts to justify your belief. How long does a person need to have true faith before they realize that maybe none of it exists.
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Unread 01-02-2019, 06:25 PM
PlutorisingLee PlutorisingLee is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

You have received some great in-depth responses and not sure what angle O can add. I admit I resonate easily with all your wrote and been in a similar place in the past. that's the good news...Things change, we change and suddenly it all something new grows- a new perception.
Can you think of a time when you were a very different person to who you are now? Imagine you will feel the same about your present one day. It's basic cognitive programming but also happens to be true.
The only tricky thing is that other people from the past might not see you grow. Never let how others perception of you define things. Especially if the past is painful.
I think with oppositions (see my fresh pressed thread) it will always be hell because it is inner conflict...The only way out is choosing one path (say, Jupiter) and following it for a time or trying to figure out what aspect of yourself has been neglected and strengthening it.
It's interesting to have sun a Mars/Moon on IC. Really at the core root of you, there is tremendous passion and fire. It also seems this power is not your own and can only be tapped into through service to others (that 6th house Neptune). So you have all these incredible tools but they will slip from your fingers unless channeled towards something larger. And yet, I think on a more basic level it is such a wound in childhood to have that power misunderstood. I picture you having explosives and weapons and before you learned how they work (the on and off buttons) -because Mars/Moon are our instincts on a soul level. So before getting around to learning how you work and why you react to things...You just learned it "happens on its own"= Neptune...
Do you work or had close people literally doing dangerous stuff or handling tools? Just curious.
And let's not ignore this Mars-Moon to Neptune is going to create some interesting dynamics with males.
I'm not being much of help at the moment but sure it is a very powerful chart.
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  #19  
Unread 01-03-2019, 12:42 AM
thelivingsky thelivingsky is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

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Originally Posted by Tryalchemy View Post
thelivingsky

The Neptune aspects, yeah it's really weird like I don't know if i'd call it "psychic" but i'll randomly just have a thought come into my head and it's usually always true. There doesn't have to be anything that confirms the belief, it just comes into my head and I can't shake it, and everyone thinks i'm being dramatic and paranoid but it always ends up being true. I remember when I first had a breakdown and I was just repeating in my head what am I going to do and I heard in my head "the occult". It was like from somewhere else, I don't know how to explain it. It wasn't my own thoughts coming up with it. This happens often though, the knowing of odd things.

There was a baby crow at my house and immediately I knew it was going to die, I just had a horrid feeling come over me, and my dad and ex were totally baffled and told me it's just being a baby bird but I knew, and of course I got hysterical because I got attached to it within 5 seconds. It did end up dying, the next day.

I was paranoid for 3 months and would call my ex on the weekend if I didn't hear from him because I felt he was going to get into a car accident. He thought I was just getting old or something and worrying like a mother, but I was convinced, and I told him he needs to pay attention to the drivers next to him because it is going to be a man who isn't paying attention on the cell phone that hits him on the freeway. And sure enough, one of those weekends he got into a car accident on the freeway because of a man on the phone not paying attention who swerved all the way into his lane and totaled his car completely.

People cannot lie to me because I always know. Every single time. But it is a burden because I have to deal with intense anxiety of knowing something before it happens and not knowing when it will happen so i'm walking around worried 24/7 and I wish I just didn't know anything. And there's no point in it anyway, since nobody listens when I try to tell them something. And knowing something ahead of time doesn't change it, so I have to deal with that loss of control when i'm already dealing with my control issues.

I have that asteroid Pythia conjunct my DC exactly. Maybe that also has something to do with it.

These do sound like clairavoyant episodes. It may help to learn from others who have the same issue so you can learn to block it out when you want to, let it in when you want to so you don't have to worry so much and be so tuned in to the dark messages floating in the ethers. At 12listen.com there are psychics who offer classes and training . I respect most of the people at the site. Also I have much respect for Collette Baron-Reid who used to be at HayHouse radio - had her own radio show. I think she is on her own now.
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Unread 01-03-2019, 12:52 AM
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Witchyone Witchyone is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

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Originally Posted by Tryalchemy View Post

Witchyone Thank you for your reply! I think maybe there is misunderstanding in what I write, maybe the Chiron in Gemini 12th. I am just seeking to know why is bad right now, and when the good comes. Maybe hard to understand because I write and having so much emotion, so angry, but never blame others, blame myself, the birth time, very bad chart, much misfortune and born in the bad degrees. I take responsibility, I know I am the bad one, born bad with the emotions too heavy and too much anger. I apologize and work to redeem for what I do wrong. I get frustrated I feel Saturn does not forgive me, because the harder I work the more suffering comes, and as human I get to the point where I do not know anymore what to do. I am more happy in presence of other people. I feel life meant to be shared, not spend alone, happiness comes in joining of the souls. This society does not believe in this, I understand. We are suppose to only focus on the self and be happy alone forever. But I am not that way, never have been, and do not wish to be, because I do not believe in my gut that it should be that way, and so I cannot practice what I do not feel. I would like just to have the shared presence of those who I care for and sacrifice a lot for. I do not want anything, just them to be here, to visit me, to spend time. I do not demand anything from people, but it is because I am trying to learn to allow things, instead of force. I don't know if I make sense, maybe I come off sounding like dependent on others but no, just make me feel fulfilled and glad to be part of group, to belong, very important and makes my heart whole.
I'm offering a different point of view of the problem, one that empowers you to improve your situation. It probably sounds like blaming. I know that it did at first when someone offered the same view to me.

I'm really sorry you lost your friend like that. That would hurt anyone. I agree with you that we all need other people. We're social beings. Some relationships are better and healthier than others, and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference until they end. Then it's time to learn and try not to get bitter. Don't ya think? I'm trying really hard, myself.

Oh, and I have actual astrology for this. I'm a Gemini sun. Maybe your Chiron in Gemini did play a role. Also, look at your transiting Pluto and Saturn.

Last edited by Witchyone; 01-03-2019 at 12:59 AM.
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Unread 01-03-2019, 05:14 AM
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Gemini888 Gemini888 is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

I'm glad that this thread is still going and the OP is still responding.

I just think that the OP's Aries placement is too impatient to wait for things to change. All I can say now is that the OP should slow down a bit and take necessary steps for change to the better.

I'm also a Gemini sun. But good news: my Moon and Asc actually conjuncts the OP's Jupiter with 0 deg orb. I hope that we could redirect the aggressive fire of Aries to healing instead of destruction.
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  #22  
Unread 01-04-2019, 11:37 PM
Tryalchemy Tryalchemy is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

PlutorisingLee Do you know your strongest planets? You probably have strong Pluto or Mars like myself.

The only thing that might reflect the conjunction of moon/mars to my IC is my dad and brother were both born on November 12th, both scorpios, and they would fight violently with each other when I was growing up, like my mom and I would sometimes leave and stay in hotel because it was really bad. But nobody was violent to me. I guess I subconsciously picked up that type of behavior though, because I was so used to being around it, it seemed like a common response, not knowing it was totally not normal to fight like that with people you are close with.

I don't really know what i'm meant to do here. I am an artist, creative in almost everything, I produce electronic and house music, I play guitar and piano, sing, write lyrics, and I used to counsel couples (but I have not been working for the past 2+ years). I didn't end up getting my full degree to become a psychiatrist, so there's a limited amount of things I can do with what I have. I'm good at it though, the psychology, which is so ridiculously obvious from my chart haha, especially the counseling I specialize in. I was thinking of going back to school to work with young kids in anger management, but i'm not sure...I feel like i'm supposed to have my own creative independant type of service/business that sort of combines everything I have to offer people. I'm really not good at working for other people or anything in which the government forces their control over, which is basically everything these days, because I object to anything immoral that I am supposed to abide by, which is why I ended up not getting my degree for psychiatry. I cannot sell things because I refuse to sell something to someone that is not in their best interest, which is why I left the sales industry. Like I can't convince a diabetic person to buy Naked Juice, I can't tell someone recovering from cancer that they need to buy whatever vitamin i'm promoting, it's just so wrong, especially because i'm not ignorant in medicine and overall common sense. Most people do just fine because they wouldn't even think to ask the person if they're diabetic or why exactly they're looking for a vitamin. But jesus christ, to me that's like second nature. Whenever I sold something extremely high in sugar, I always just had to ask anyone who looked over the age of 60 if they're diabetic, because isn't that the moral thing to do? Maybe some people were offended by me asking but i'd rather someone be offended then contribute to something potentially dangerous to them. I'm just so honest, I was horrible at sales. People really, really liked me though, when I worked in sales. They knew they could trust me. I sold things when I told people NOT to buy it! They would buy it and tell me they were buying it because I genuinely seemed like I gave a s*** and asked them how their day was. Isn't that sad, that people will pay just for someone to show that they care? What a society man, this is how lacking in compassion and selflessness we are. These things are something I find myself passion about, things i'd fight for. I care about whether people are safe or not. They could take that Naked juice home, drink two glasses, and go into a coma. How could anyone just ignore these medical facts in sales? Have we no greater good? Have we no decency? One time, a women that was about 86 years old wanted to buy the naked juice, she was a diabetic, she told me she didn't understand what she could or couldn't drink because her doctors didn't explain. I literally put everything away and I took her up and down every single aisle and showed her what is good for her and what she should avoid. I showed her where to look for the sugar. I showed her the diet snapple, I told her about my grandmother who was diabetic, and what she liked that was healthy. These are things I feel like everyone should just do. I could have gotten fired for that, for walking away and not selling the product. I don't care. I know right from wrong. I understand if a person doesn't know anything about health or medicine and they're selling something like that, because they truly don't mean any harm, but since i DO know, it would be wrong to not use that knowledge to make sure people are safe. I'm very intelligent in all different subjects so ignorance is not a card I can play. But yeah, i'm really passionate in that way, it's Neptune for sure. Cause i've had people come up to me and tell me their whole life story and start crying, I guess they sense that they can trust me or something. But I really do care. I remember what every single person would tell me and when I see them again I would ask them about it. Because I really want to know. People need that, you know, they need to be acknowledged and remembered and such simple, easy things, I don't know why so many people are unable to do this. So i'd like to do something where I can use those strengths to make a difference. I don't care how much money I make. I just want to help someone. I don't want anyone to feel like I have ever felt. I would never abandon anyone the way people have abandoned me. Even if I am giving to my own detriment, I believe strongly that it is the right thing to do. I used to give my whole lunch to people who would come into my job if I noticed them shaking, the elderly people, who skip breakfast and then end up with crazy low blood sugar and are about ready to pass out, i'd insist that they sit down next to me and eat the food and would not let them out of my sight until they did. I am very protective. I feel it is my priority to help people. I even act this way with the crows! My god! Sorry I tend to ramble.

Yes I think I am much better suited with men who have feminine qualities because they will let me be the active person who takes care and protects and controls. I can't be submissive, even if I wanted to, I become greatly uncomfortable and irritated by doing so. I get along better with masuline individuals as friends, though, as I am not interested in the things feminine people are usually interested in. It's not surprising my friends always end up being a fire sign. But in relationships that never turned out very well haha.



thelivingsky
Yes thatís what another astrologer told me to do, I looked into it a while back but wasnít able to figure out how to ďturn it offĒ so to speak. I feel like iím always ďonĒ no matter what. I feel like it is perhaps the heavy moon/pluto which I cannot escape. That is why I am looking forward to progressing into sagittarius. But I suppose I cannot change my natal promise, if there is a promise that isnít never ending suffering haha. Whatever it may be. What are your thoughts on occult/magick? I have taken naturally to it since I was about 6Öis that just pretty much a given considering what iíve got going on in my chart? I have been successful in manifesting things howeverÖthe only things that seem to obey are that which are under Mars. And I have great difficulty figuring out whether I am going against the natural order of things or not. Am I only able to obtain things pertaining to Mars, Moon, and Pluto?


Witchy one
Itís okay, I always take everything really personally lol. I annoy myself. I am still trying to learn that you cannot accurately judge someones tone and meaning by words alone. The technology makes it harder on people like me. I do better in person so I know how a person means whatever theyíre saying. I am just very sensitive because I feel often I am misunderstood and then whenever I am reminded of it I become very strange and despondant and compulsively apologize and feel like retreating and curse myself for being an alien and try to go on and on explaining, with absolute urgency that I have clarified. I know this is greatly enhanced by my anxiety and OCD for sure. I donít know why, it is always important that I am understood to the point where I keep bringing up the same thing and will repeat myself over and over. I think itís why I pretty much stopped telling anyone my feelings cause it ends up somehow being a big mess. My best friend, the Leo, he was the only one who understood me exactly in the most strange way and not having him is like, I have nobody to express myself to anymore because I do not feel safe or understood. And I get exhausted because I donít like to neurotically re-read texts before I send them to make sure I make sense. I donít know why he understood me but I have not come across anybody else like that. I still text him even though he doesnít text me back. Because I am used to everyone being a ghost. Maybe one day someone will respond to me from the grave. I am trying to resurrect everyone and everything. I will keep digging even if it kills me.


Gemini888
I think the first 3 people to reply were all Geminiís hahaha! Go figure right!
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  #23  
Unread 01-04-2019, 11:47 PM
Tryalchemy Tryalchemy is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Ps. Do any of you know what it means to have the asteroid Merlin conjunct my sun?
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  #24  
Unread 01-05-2019, 01:57 AM
GemwDepth GemwDepth is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

Hey Tryal, I hope you are doing better from before. I just want to comment that you are writing a lot back. While I wish you well, one must keep in mind this is a free forum of volunteers where people are not paid for their time and services. At some point, you may want to consider consulting a professional astrologer, or therapist.

I helped you with your original question, and I do hope you feel better. If you want to know about Merlin conjunct Sun, it may be more appropriate to start a separate thread.

Last edited by GemwDepth; 01-08-2019 at 03:45 AM.
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  #25  
Unread 01-05-2019, 03:02 AM
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Gemini888 Gemini888 is offline
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Re: Why am I suffering so much?

You have Chiron in Gemini in 12H. That may be what attracts so many Gem to your question

How are you doing now? Please update us on your status.
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