Torturous Relationship – Should I leave my husband of 20 years?

waybread said:

World of Mars, I am so sorry for what you've been through. You didn't deserve this, and I hope you can begin to take steps, however small or large, towards healing.

Astrologer Steven Forrest once wrote, "No planet is in the sky just to hurt us."

I think this is true, as well of Chiron. Chiron shows us "where it hurts," both physically and emotionally. But Chiron also shows where, if we stay open to those hurts, we gain in maturity, compassion, and wisdom.

Pluto is the implacable bully, the evil force that we cannot overcome. But it also shows where and how we can be a stand for self-transformation. We can rise, phoenix-like, from the ashes.

Mars rules aggression, but it also rules the kind of spunk that gets us to assert ourselves. As another astrologer put it, fire can burn your house down, or it can warm you and cook your food.

The key is to find empowering interpretations of your planetary placements, and ultimately of life. According to Forrest, we can see planets as teachers or tricksters.

Generally you will feel a transit of an outer planet when it is applying at 2-3 degrees from exact, at most. When it is separating, it seems to ease off much faster. An inner planet seems to go a lot faster. Do you know your way around an ephemeris?

Has your husband ever had a psychological/psychiatric evaluation? Does he alternate rants with periods of depression?

In the US, there are United Way agencies that offer free or low-cost counseling services to people who cannot afford to pay the going rates. Catholic Family Services is one, and no--you do not have to be Catholic and they do not put religion into their counseling services. You might contact one of these agencies in your area.

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Thank you Waybread. I sometimes think we all get what we deserve, in a way. There is a reason two people come together and we have been a vibrational match. The amount of growth that has happened could not have happened without these experiences. I know they are for a reason, and some have already shown themselves to me. But I think in the future, I will know more. Yes, I am feeling the Phoenix rising. Rebuilding a healthier ego after losing it completely.

I love that saying about Mars! It is my nickname.

After the outburst, and watching him split, I did think he needed a psychiatric evaluation. Certainly in the past I did as well. I don't have much trust in psychiatrists or their labels or solutions. If he does have borderline, there is no treatment other than a healthy lifestyle and habits. And it is something you kind of grow out of, which I have noticed in him because this kind of incident has not happened in well over a year now and it was to a much lesser degree and did not last as long. But he did suggest we go to counseling once money comes in and said that if we split that he was going to consult one. We are not living in the US, but I will check it out United Way when we have the funds to see if they do skype counselling. Thank you for the info.

I do not know anything about using an ephemeris. I just looked it up. I can research and learn it. Is there a resource you can suggest? Also, why do you suggest it?

BTW, the story I spilled here was pretty much the one I PM's you about. I pretty much spilled it all.

The part of the story that is missing here is Dan’s good side. He is for the most part amazing with people. He is incredibly kind and has an ability to know how to interact with people in a way that lifts their spirits. It started when he moved to Africa and it has become a natural part of his expression. For years I didn’t trust it because of the stark contrast to how he treated me, but 15 years later, it is definitely true.

We did not know that I was ill for a very long time. When we found out, he did everything for me. He would walk miles to find me anything I needed and still does. He cleaned up after me with a dutiful way that seemed to please him. He stayed by my side at every moment in the hospital. Even when they tried to make him leave, he made them bend the rules.

He has done this for many people in Africa. He is sometimes mistaken for a doctor because of how he commands a hospital staff. He has saved many people’s lives.

He has a 6th sense about other people’s needs and boundaries. People are usually, very comfortable with him. Strangely, this had not extended to me, but does in general now. This is mostly with women and people who are not westerners. Most of our friends are women. But he did have a couple of male friends from the past who he trusted. (Yes, he has father issues although he would never admit it until recently)

I, on the other hand, have a horrible time reading people. I put my foot in my mouth all of the time. I have a hard time controlling my expression and tone of voice and I put people off thinking I am angry when I am not. This is something I am working on and have changed quite a bit. And changes in this area are largely due to Dan’s influence. I think sometimes before, some of his abusive reactions were due to this. But now he is very understanding about it and even consoles me when I make mistakes because he sees how much I have improved and that I am distraught when I am misunderstood.

He has been working on change for years now, but life had gotten so hard that it was nearly impossible for either of us to be anywhere near our best selves.

There is more good stuff, and this is why it is so confusing when he gets bitter and mean, or outbursts. I think much had to do with our dire situation in Africa and when we seem like we will run out of money. He is getting tired of carrying the burden of work with me ill.

Someone once said that a traumatic experience changed her on a cellular level. So when Dan acts bad at all, my reaction is extreme. I may be able to control it on the outside, but on the inside, all of nerves are on edge. It triggers the most awful memories. I forget which astrological placement it is, but one said that when I get yelled at, my body reacts as though I was punched in the face and that I should be very careful of who I allow into my environment.

It's an amazing and distressing story. I really can't diagnose with precision what is going on - I'm not a pro at any of this, astrology or anything else. But I have read that we are made up of sub-personalities. Imagine that you are not just one consistent, integrated being, you are a cluster or community of different folk, each of them shown by different parts of our chart. We can easily show our nicer personalities to other people but, when with our intimate ones, we drop our guard and then our nasty sub-personalities can raise their ugly heads. These latter can also be called the "shadow self".

In a woman's chart, Sun and Mars are meant to show her 'animus'. That's a Jungian term meaning the masculine part of herself. Our animus will (by that very same Law of Attraction - I like the Hicks teachings too) draw to us the man or men that match this animus. Then a man's inner self clicks into place with the woman's animus self and you get a double dose of the same. Your husband's behaviour matches your Mars square Pluto-Uranus which is very harsh, explosive aspect. It's as if a man like this was on the cards for you - I can't say why. Some people might say it's your karma, it's how you might have behaved in a previous life. Or, you might have lived with this guy in a previous life and this is a continuation of your time together, and you chose to be together again and try to heal this bad energy and go through a growth process together.

Having said that, his behaviour towards you might well have him labelled a sociopath/psychopath if put in front of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Sociopaths are known to be exceptionally good at putting on a wonderful show for other people and even fooling the professionals. If you do decide to leave, you'll have to do it while he's not there, and is not aware you're about to walk out. There are lots of resources out there on the web, with many women who've had this 'Jekyll and Hyde' experience with their men and couldn't take it any more writing about their experience and how they got out of the relationship.

Absolutely keep up all the consciousness-raising things that you're doing and which are making you feel so much better. I think it's possible that in a really high-vibe atmosphere, his worst behaviour just isn't permitted; the vibes won't allow it. His demons depart (I do believe that some people's awful behaviour is caused by negative entities latching onto them: here's one read that might be helpful to you:

https://montalk.net/notes/dislodging-negative-entity-attachments

And remember not to keep on focusing on the story of your past: you are reaffirming that reality and that vibration in this present moment. Listen to the Hicks talks again...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVxbNJfHhmE

World of Mars, thanks for sharing your story: was it hard to write, or cathartic? Your personal strength just shines from the page.

I am hopeful that you will be able to regain your physical and emotional health. I have a mild case of PTSD. Most times it is quiescent, but stress can bring it out more strongly, let alone the kind of stress you've described. I think we have to decide whether to suppress/cope with it, or seek professional treatment.

None of us really knows what goes on inside another person's marriage. But I agree with Sweet Pea. Your husband seems to have a serious mental health issue. I also think somehow you're the moon of his Thor's Hammer, although I'm not detecting a particular contact point.

An ephemeris is like a train time-table, but for planets. You can use it to see when an impending transit is in the sky, hits a planet or sensitive point, and then eases off. There is a good free one on the home page of Astrodienst.