I Feel Like I Won't Amount to Anything: Saturn and Sun Afflictions

Suicidal and I Feel Like I Won't Amount to Anything: Saturn and Sun Afflictions

I'm currently in this weird state where I've been incredibly burdened by thinking about the future and feeling very incompetent in the present. I'm a Sophomore in college (I took time off, had a rough period where I didn't do well in classes, lost my confidence and have been having a hard time recovering from this). I've been aware that my Saturn is combust as it's debilitated in Aries, conjunct Sun in Aries, both placed in the 2nd house (in the Placidus and Tropical system at least). My Sun also is squared by Neptune and The Ruling planet of my Sun, Mars, is debilitated in Taurus and square Neptune.

All of this complicates my sense of self (or lack thereof). Have struggled with depression quite a bit, and I feel the pressures of needing to succeed professionally, academically, etc. acutely (from my harsh Father, and from Life in general). I'm in a college notorius for being very rigorous and stressful, located very far from home, and I'm trying to wrack my brain and figure out some sense of direction and what I want to study. I feel as though I very much want to succeed, be respected and do very well in whatever I choose to do, but I'm crippled by indecision, and fear of action and these anxieties that make me feel like my troubled Saturn in Aries will not let me hold on and concentrate long enough to make the big impact that my 10th house Pluto craves. That, and Neptune contacts to my sense of self (Sun) to my ability to assert and Do (Mars), is all frustrating. I'm sure my Pisces South Node doesn't help either....

I lack clarity of purpose, feel like I have the potential to do really well but am scared that I'll just fail because it's hard to conjure up the discipline when such negative things have traumatized me and impede my ability to be consistent and grow. I've also have been having a hard time focusing lately and have been finding that it takes a LOT of effort and stress to complete assignments and essays. I definitely notice I do feel better and relieved when I complete what I need to do, but it takes sooo much to get there. I've also been struggling with suicidal thoughts because of this (I've been working on seeking counseling and talking to people about these thoughts though).

I am not a fan of fatalistic Astrology, I do believe that the chart gives us the energies we have to work on and improve, but I just need help so I can cling onto some feeling of hope that I will gain some self-assuredness of my ability to be competent. I've been obsessively thinking about these negatives in my chart, and it's hard because you get this confirmation bias from reading these negative interpretations and feeling stuck because I project these into my life (all very self-defeating), so I believe in encouraging progress and evolutionary astrology.

It's frustrating because I have this specific innate desire to do really well and blaze my own path (start my own projects and complete them), but the things that seem like it comes soo easy to others to do, I'm freaking out about and feel defeated in even continuing, or at least feel like there are a lot of obstacles (mental or situational) that make it harder for me to complete these projects that I get so excited about. I feel most complete when I get things done, and if I procrastinate and not do them (which has so easily been the default these past few years especially) I become an anxious and depressed MESS.

Other aspects to these placements I find is that I don't take to criticism from authority figures, teachers, professors very well and I have this weird and anxious relationships around male authority figures especially, but I always value the opinion of harsh instructors the most, even though I most afraid of it.

Any insights are welcome, especially in regard to potential career endeavours that might give me some direction and fulfillment, but I just need some encouragement right now that I will not just be stuck to failure for life and there's actually some promising news in my chart, also any methods that I can use to help me focus and stick to it!


My Chart is attached below, but if that doesn't work, my information is as follows:

Place of Birth: Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
Time: 3:00 am (closest estimate as that is what's said on birth cert.)
Date: 04/15/1998

bump bump bump bump

A simple question:

What will you do when (if) you fail?

re:greybeard

depends

probably feel stuck, but feel there's some hope for an opportunity to try again. I guess I'd want to disconnect myself from the cause or area of failure (school, professional life, etc.), but reinvent myself into becoming better in order to achieve whatever. I guess it's partly the fear of failure, but also the fear of never getting the difficult parts of me together to cooperate to help me with my goals and bettering my self. It feels like the worst possible scenario is often in my periphery which is crippling, but when it actually happens, it hurts immensely for sure, but I'm pretty emotionally resilient once I process the sh*tty feelings (Scorpio Moon? haha). I guess I'm also juggling the feeling of having to prove myself, and somehow tether my self worth to people's opinion and regard of me in the work that I do, etc. as opposed to just...existing in the best version I can be for MYSELF. It's a tricky balance, because I certainly need the assurance of security and accomplishment, but I don't think that's a healthy way to live for me anymore--I'd probably get more done if I gave less of a sh*t.

These feelings have been on and off for me, and I do struggle with mental illness,but on good days, the prospect of tomorrow seems much more likely than on really bad days (when I made this post haha)--I tend to be an all or nothing thinker, which is often to my detriment, but sometimes useful I suppose.Weirdly enough, I'm a very positive person on my best days, and can find that in my lowest of lows (but again, mental health can be tricky because sometimes the positivity is muffled for me)

Thank you.

Now let's mess around in your map.

The Sun...your heart, your center, your spirit and honor are in the sign of Aries. Aries is...I AM. To thine own self be true. Sun is Exalted in Aries...it's where the True Self can shine the brightest. They say that Sun symbolizes our Purpose. Your purpose is to let light of the True Self shine bright.

But... Sun is Under Duress, an extreme form of besiegement. He is trapped and held between the greater and the lesser malefic. There is little room for movement and no way out. Tight constraint. You get the idea; you feel it, you live it.

I AM is under tight constraint. The Light is dimmed.

Are we on the same page?

Yes! How can I set him free?

I don't know. Let's explore your map, see how the land lies. Then maybe we can chart a course.

The chart pattern is a Bowl. It is a truncated bowl, being defined by a quincunx rather than the preferred opposition. This delimiting aspect, Moon quincunx Mars (-2*55'), "contains" all the other planets and sets conditions for the life. The Moon is brought to High Focus because of her position at the cutting edge of the pattern (by diurnal motion). A keyword for this position of Moon is Intensity. The cutting (or leading) planet becomes the predominant figure in the chart; her nature permeates the personality and guides the course of the life. Note that Moon is in Scorpio, most intense of the signs, and the fall of Moon. And Mars in exile. In addition to the quincunx of Moon to Mars, she is in a similar relationship to Sun. But here we have (+3*43'), a separating quincunx.